Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

We've had a good chat tonight and I've apologised for being unfair giving him a hard time yesterday about his time in the gym. I told him how I'm really pleased he's found something he enjoys and glad he's looking after his health. He's agreed to be more mindful of his gym time not eating into our couple or family time. He's supportive of me finding something for me and will scale back his gym time to make it more fair if it gets in the way of me doing anything.

Our work patterns have quite a bit to play because he's often at work evenings and weekends, and I work from home most of the time so it can lead to long lonely days for me.
I need to find a way to deal with that myself and not hold him back in the process. Thanks for all your comments, helped put it in perspective.

I don’t think it’s that one person might not want to fit in a hobby. It’s more that the other person’s hobby takes up so much time there is no time for the other persons hobby.
Also, if one persons hobby is happening at 4am and the other persons hobby is happening at 8pm on a daily basis when is their time together?
think it’s how you’ve been brought up too. My parents didn’t have hobbies and were home every night cooking dinner and spending time with us as a family. My husbands parents worked shifts and his mum ran daily. He was brought up thinking it was the norm that everyone was off doing their own thing not spending time as a family, not eating together or even being present.
it’s about your expectations of family life.

Be supportive, it’ll wear off shortly, he’ll probably balance to a more normal routine in a few weeks. He probably feels he is trying to do something positive and getting met with criticism. Totally get that it eats into time together in the short term - but if you hate the gym and he loves it - perhaps suggest an at home YouTube hit class or something if he wanted an extra evening session?

OP’s DH has said he’d be fine with OP getting up early and taking up a hobby but OP admitted that wasn’t the issue because it isn’t something she wants.

It can be a balance such as taking it in turns, though DH and I spend more time together at the weekends generally since during the week it is work, nursery drop offs/pick ups and hobbies.

@MrsLay

“My parents didn’t have hobbies and were home every night cooking dinner and spending time with us as a family”

I would hate that! Being home cooking dinner ever single night. I would also worry I’d get out of shape pretty quickly if I did that!

Tbh I wouldn't be prepared to compromise on my gym time. It's not a hobby but more a way of life for me. Having that dictated would be like somebody dictating what job I can do or what haircut I can have.

Don’t you eat dinner?
please don’t think I’m suggesting it’s a fun hobby because it’s not, it’s just normal day to day stuff that needs to be done.
do you have young kids?

Good to see your update OP!

Maybe some of these PP can learn from you and realise that communication is key.

Oh wow 😂

My parents didn’t have hobbies and were home every night cooking dinner and spending time with us as a family.

I'm incredibly glad my parents weren't like this. You don't need "family time" every single day.

You are a very mature woman OP. Well done.

@MrsLay

yes I eat dinner. But I also need to get my exercise in! Going to work, coming home and eating every night and sitting in the house all evening would be a bit sad
no parent needs to stay home every single night

@MrsLay
"My parents didn’t have hobbies and were home every night cooking dinner and spending time with us as a family."

I wonder what you guys talked about over dinner except for kids' interests and what happened to your parents once you all grew up and left the house.
I have a complete opposite experience from you. We shared house with my grandparents (they were pretty young grandparents). Everyone had a hobby and we spent plenty of time together as a family. We ate together every single night of the week. Mum was off to her evening classes (crafting and exercise) a couple of nights a week and she taught me how to sew, knit and crochet. Grandad was into photography and I spent a lot of time with him in a darkroom (something I picked up later as an adult thanks to this). We also talked about books and music. Grandmother was a keen gardener (again, something I picked up in adulthood). Everyone chipped in with cooking and cleaning. We spent weekends going hiking, cross-country skiing and I went on long bicycle rides with my dad from the age of 9. We went to the theatre together and had extended family over for dinner a couple of times a month.
When kids left the house everyone retained their individuality and their interests.
I don't understand why it has to be a binary choice. You can have family time without giving up on your life.

“You can have family time without giving up on your life.”

Who could possibly argue with that?!

OP glad your guys sat down and communicated, sign of a healthy relationship

i hope you also find something for yourself that you enjoy doing as well!

Glad it all worked out well, I think the working hours plays a big role here as you say he is on shift work and you're more typical 9-5 so that will always eat into whatever time there is when you are both 'free'.

OP, he really needs to read up about rest days to allow his muscles to heal and to prevent injury. Especially if he does have a condition with fatigue - rest is as important as gym for overall health for people with fatigue.

This level of enthusiasm will hopefully settle down soon to a more manageable level.

Glad you had a talk. Just make sure you get your own time too.

@Catza It’s more the falling asleep in the evening when he could be spending time with her or the times he goes to the gym after work.
I think health and fitness is important but also you can’t ignore your relationship, even just carving out one evening to sit spend time together can make a huge difference. When you first start dating someone we often given them a lot of our time and then as things progress get complacent. It’s important to continue to nurture your relationship.

The endorphins released from exercise can actually be addictive so it could just be that. I’m a gym bunny and I love to go. People probably think I’m mad but unless you’re one of the addicts it’s hard to explain. If it is simply that he enjoys it probably just worth agreeing the sessions he’s going. Even if it’s four times a week / ie slightly more than what you previously agreed.

YABU and all the posters saying you’re not probably need to carve out time for me time themselves.

exercise releases feel good hormones and they are addictive, in a good way. He’s seeing the payoff too, so there’s even more incentive for him to go regularly. Why would he want to slow down or go less frequently when it’s working?

I suggest you need to consider his mental and physical health and accept that this is good for him and as a result will be good for the family as a whole.

TBH it sounds like you’re jealous of his progress and the fact he’s enjoying something that doesn’t involve or directly benefit you. Find something of your own to do. Go to a class, take up Zumba, buy a bike. Whatever it is you find works for you.

YABU and so is DP.

DP will stop going to the gym at 3:45 am very soon on his own, because this will suck for him, but he’s also overtraining.

try and encourage him to keep going when he burns out.

I also think you’re unreasonable and I’d be very less generous with my husband if he behaved as you are. Than your husband is with you

i think uou know the issue, uou said it yourself, you’re jealous of his fitness and progress and uou aren’t achieving the same, and so you’re basically trying to sabotage him.

hes doing his fair share, marriage isn’t a prison, he isn’t some suport worker for you if you’re lonely. The fact you don’t wish to go to the gym, or I guess have friends of your own isn’t his fault or his problem. It’s yours. You need to not be jealous of him and sort yourself out.

You need to not be jealous of him and sort yourself out.

Did you read her last post?

The OP has updated. I think even if she hadn’t you comment I’d unfair. It’s about family time. They just have to come to a compromise, which they have. No one wants a partner who just sits snoring on the sofa every night, because they’re knackered from getting up to do sport. There is a middle ground.

Wow, most of the other responses were pretty balanced but this is just harsh!

Marriage isn't a prison but it is a partnership which involves compromise (also if you read the op we're not married!). As for saying I don't have friends of my own, where at any point did I say that? I have plenty of friends I'm just not able to see them everyday due to work and DC and friends commitments. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend some quality time with your partner, he not my support work ffs.

Thankfully we have communicated like grownups and worked it out.