To display a boudoir photograph with a child in the home?

[Notgoingononlyfansyet]

I ‘won’ one of those boudoir shoots and bought some pictures. It was just a bit of a fun, but the pictures are AMAZING. They honestly make me feel capable of anything and really brought home to me that everyday me isn’t all I can be. That with a little extra expertise and resource I can do something very, very different. It’s such a great concept to get my head around and apply in general. (Also, I look smoking hot and who doesn’t love that?!)

I really want to display some of the pictures. They aren’t tacky or sleazy. I’m wearing more that I was on the beach last month. Full Bra, brazillian pants, and a jacket in some shots. No stockings, thongs or bondage type undies. No handcuffs, but some hobby props (a hat and a book. Some pearls) She sees me naked all the time (but I respect her privacy however she prefers and I don’t brazenly wander about naked. We have dogs that open doors, it’s unavoidable, not deliberate or overtly liberal. She locks the bathroom, but will happily yell for me to get her a towel etc. All no big deal in an all girl household) But the pics are overtly sensual. I don’t have a partner and her father is permanently out of the picture for over than a decade. I do sometimes date and she knows about that in age appropriate detail.

My biggest concern is that she will connect it with my dating (which is fairly new and not unconnected in that both are because I feel more sexy than I have for years) but it’s not that dating leads to needing to change to be attractive for dates. It’s feeling more attractive and exploring that through dating AND how I present myself now I have a bit more freedom from lone parenting. How much do I share?! Is it creepy? Is it tacky, even though the pic itself isn’t? Or is it empowering and celebrating myself? (I could have one without my face in and make put it’s not me, but that seems even weirder!)

I’m not going to hang it in the sitting room, but she’ll see it often in my room. So will her friends as they come in and out of her room, because the only blank wall faces the door and our dogs open the door. We’ll have to have at least a chat about not telling my mother/all the neighbours/the greengrocer’s cat about it, what to say to her friends and not to let them photograph it! I just don’t think she’ll get it. I wouldn’t have got it at her age. (I wouldn’t have got it 12 months ago!). Is it unreasonable to expect her to get it with the right framing or should I wait? Until
when?!

All views welcome, but be polite! (Apologies for length, I’m thinking out loud)

eyeroll

I am a "genuine" lawyer and I was not giving an "opinion".

Jeez, just read the posts fgs to see what they say instead of what you would like them to say to justify your reactions.

It doesn't. I have said many times that there is nothing empowering about it. I was fully empowered years before I went near the place. In that I have a much agency as its possible for a woman to have in a patriarchal society. I thought it would be a laugh. I have felt really sexy recently (thanks menopause) but objectively I look less sexy than ever I have (thanks being 45) and the pictures reflect that. I like them. I look fine having just got out of the shower. I'm not lacking and I like my body. But the pictures show another level. I never imagined I could look like that. What else can I do (with some coaching and resource) that I don't know about. That's what they mean to me. What could I be capable of that I don't know about yet?

How would naked photos be empowering? Literally, how could they give me power? Power to.....what?

For me, I don't want my Son or his mates seeing sexy photos of me. I'm no prude. I'm very sexy for me and my Husband.

But you have no experience in child protection, and have not seen the pictures.

Correct :-)

Don't be absurd. Visible to visitors STILL doesn't make it public. A house remains a private space and a bedroom even more so.

It would be visible to anyone going upstairs in my house. My daughter has occasional friends in her bedroom. I don't think that's actually very strange?

Shall I go back through all the pages and get all the posts calling ME cringy, disgusting, narcissistic, desperate, insecure, chavvy etc etc etc deleted? They were pretty nasty.

So ok 'empowered' was the wrong word - you used the word sexy. Given that I'm older but living in the same culture as you I get what you're saying, I sort of understand you. But isn't that a shame?! Surely you wouldn't want your DD to feel that the only way to feel sexy is to dress up in underwear that, let's be honest is far from comfortable (seriously! Who chooses to wear 4" heels and stockings if not to confirm to today's media driven ideal of what is sexy!)! Now if it was naked (and I'm not brave enough to do this myself so completely understand if you couldn't either) and you were saying to your DD - wow look at my body - wouldn't that be a better message (though I still believe your DD would look aghast)?

But we're digressing from your question and I didn't come on here to talk feminism/morals/ethics. I have multiple daughters myself. Yes you own the house and therefore you might think, my house, my rules. But your DD can't move out so please take her thoughts into serious consideration. Show her your pictures in as positive way as possible and gauge her reaction. Rather than come on here and discuss all potential pros and cons - talk to your daughter. It will be very clear cut given she's 13. You'll either persaude her that it's a positive image and that she's to give you your privacy and right to put up the picture or she won't.

Yes you are in charge, but as a budding teen please take her thoughts into consideration.

Shall I go back through all the pages and get all the posts calling ME cringy, disgusting, narcissistic, desperate, insecure, chavvy etc etc etc deleted? They were pretty nasty.
I didn't call you any of those things but you have called me stupid and absurd.

OP you make some really valid points and for me the following are things you may wish to consider when making your decision.

1. Context is important. So for example would you and your daughter be comfortable to sit in your lounge, with just you and your daughter present, dressed in lacy underwear whilst assuming "sensual" positions? Would you do this if occasionally one or other of her friends might see? whilst you have no desire to do this - the outcome is the same the children would see the same image.
2. Would you feel comfortable with these images being circulated via social media and within your child's friend network via phones? This is a risk that has high probability of happening and you should consider the impact on your daughter. You should consider if the benefit of helping your daughter learn to be body positive and understand peoples privacy needs etc outweigh this risk when making your decision. Could you share it with her and talk to her about it and then display it in a way that reduces the risk?
3. The children who potentially could view this photograph will likely not have the same emotional response that you to to this picture (sense of empowerment and admiration for your body). They would be viewing an adult in lacy underwear in a sensual pose. How does this differ to an image in the page 3 days when women posed in underwear or compare to the images of women modelling bras and underwear in a retail campaign. These might be things you wish to consider in how you discuss this with your child, her friends who will see the picture and their parents in case they have concerns.

No judgment here and at the end of the day, only you can determine what is best for you and your daughter.

I think it also boils down to if you want to be seen as Daughters Sexy Mum to her friends or another adult who they can have a laugh with, look up to and feel comfortable with.

Sorry OP - you are obviously an intelligent person from your posts who wants to make the right choices for your daughter but….this is so weird! Try and remember when you were 12 - pretty sure you would feel uncomfortable seeing your mum in these types of photos. You’re kind of overthinking it because it’s honestly just kind of gross for a kid

Yes we get it you think you're got...if you were chocolate you'd eat yourself 🙄however your kids will we a mixture of cringing and laughing your friends/colleagues will just be laughing

Hot

You didn’t defend her either. That’s just as bad.

Sorry for this shit show of a thread, OP.

I actually am a prude when it comes to clothes (maxi skirts and dresses only) but what happens in your bedroom is for you to decide, it’s your private space. Your daughter’s friends shouldn’t even be going in there.

Most contributors are making judgemental calls about whether the OP is right or wrong. The point is that this is not about whether the OP is right or wrong it's about what her DD might think! The 13 YEAR OLD daughter is old enough that she should have a say! I've raised at least 3 girls to 13, so two are technically adults and the third is 13. Stop treating OP's daughter as though she won't have an opinion. At 13 she will! We can debate the ethics/morals etc until the cows come home! At the end of the day the OP needs to have a discussion with her daughter. She can take all that we've stated, see our perspectives but it comes down to a discussion with her young teenage daughter. What if her DD saw the pictures and thought "wow mum that's amazing"? Who are we to judge that?! OP, stop asking/defending yourself for/on Mumsnet. I feel that there are enough different views that would empower you to have a discussion with your 13 year old daughter. Remember that at only 13 you still have a major influence in her life. You can enable her to see these pictures positively. BUT and this is a serious BUT, you equally NEED to listen to her. My daughters would all have reacted with horror. If this is the case then there are loads of ideas on this thread that could enable you to look at your photos without forcing this on your daughter such as a small one on your dresser etc etc. Please take into account that your DD doesn't have a choice but to live with you. That's not to say you're not in charge but if you want the teenage years to be bad rather than horrific (sorry, actually I've found my teens to be either delightful or horrific - but nothing in-between) then, unfortunately, you'll need to start taking her thoughts/understanding into account. I'm off to bed now! Good luck OP

You didn’t defend her either. That’s just as bad.
Don't be ridiculous, I'm not her bodyguard FFS.
Why should I defend her? She came on here looking for opinions and didn't like the ones she got and then started backtracking.

Surely you can make yourself a photo book of these albums that you keep somewhere private, why would you want a picture of yourself half naked on your bedroom wall?
god if my mum had hung a picture of herself like this in the house I’d be too embarrassed to bring anyone home! If it was hung in her bedroom I’d never want to step foot in there! Children/teens don’t want or need to see photos or even think of their parent in sexy poses.
If they’re ‘private’ keep them somewhere you can admire and big yourself up to yourself, … but don’t be surprised that if you hang one up on a wall then someone will photograph and share it (your DD doesn’t have the power to stop her friends doing that!)…. Or even if they don’t it will be talked about and possibly even be used as a reason to bully your daughter….
No it’s not appropriate.

I have been engaging in a discussion and floating ideas. I said pages and pages ago I'm not going to do it. I didn't propose to 'ban' anything. I wondered out loud if it was time DD started socialising out of her bedroom, to reinforce the idea that bedrooms are probate spaces. We have the space. We also both have ADHD. Doors that are supposed to be shut are frequently left open, by all of us, because we have problems with distraction, maintaining attention, memory and multi-step process. It isn't simple for us. Certainly I have posted long posts explaining how I feel and responding to insults. If there are inconsistencies, it shows the evolution of my views. For example, I referred to the photos as sensual, and was told as they showed me in a state of implied arousal, they were sexual. So from then on I referred to them as sexual.

I have never called it empowering. It isn't empowering. I have all the power I can in a patriarchy already. It's nothing to do with male gaze. No man has ever seen them. Probably they never will. I didn't do it for a man. Empowerment is not my goal. Separating sexuality from male gaze is precisely the point. If I had put it up, I WOULD HAVE TALKED TO DD about how I didn't expect to love the pictures, but I do. How they show me in a way I've never seen and want to remember. How they showed me I could do something I'd never really thought was me. How they remind me there will be other things I can do well that I don't know about yet. How they are just for me. Not for anyone else. How I expect her to respect my privacy and not tell anyone about them and my consent by not letting anyone photograph them. Who the hell else is going to talk to her about that stuff?

They aren't a celebration of women's power. They mean nothing at all to anyone else. They are about ME. They aren't even about power, except that they express a powerful feeling. I suppose they would show her that I can look sexy AND do all that other shit. Or that women can look sexy and still have depth which she won't know from pictures of models etc. I don't know what you mean by publicly affirmed. They will never be public. And literally no one has or will affirm them. It's exactly the opposite of all that. I am literally modelling that I don't consent to sharing to pictures. That they are for myself and no one else. That they are NOT to be shared, except with live-in family and a maybe trusted partner (which I don't have and may take them down if I did) that male gaze is utterly irrelevant. And that privacy and boundaries are positive things. I don't say there aren't other ways of having those conversations, but I would damn well have them.

They portray how I feel. They don't make me feel sexy, that came before. They express it in a way I didn't know I could. I like it. (I wouldn't tell her that bit)

I don't see how the art modelling is relevant, I'm sorry. I'n glad it makes you feel good.

I've never seen such a palaver about deciding to hang a photo or not.

Okay @SurprisedWithAHorse I've just gone back to look at my posts. There are no horrible comments to the OP. I did say these photo shoots weren't for me and why. I didn't call OP ugly (I've never seen her).

Yes, OP didn't ask if I liked the shoots but OP can't control how threads go and people will have an opinion about things relating to the original subject.

I feel like you've been like a wasp around everything I've posted and have managed to twist everything I've said. So go for it.

I'm just saying you can say what you want but I know I've not been nasty.

& go.........

I’ve had 2 of these boudoir shoots done - one was for charity. I have my photos on my bedroom wall - I love them! I live on my own however.

So funny. I'm going to take myself to bed soon.

I did not. I said that the idea that my bedroom becomes a public space because my dogs can open the door was stupid, and that the idea that because visitors come into to my house denotes it a public space was absurd. Because they plainly are. I even prefaced it with you yourself may be intelligent. I have shown a great deal more respect on this thread than I have received, believe me. And I am fast running out of patience with the ridiculous posts, frankly.

Back tracking?

I am fast running out of patience with the ridiculous posts
Ditto