To display a boudoir photograph with a child in the home?

[Notgoingononlyfansyet]

I ‘won’ one of those boudoir shoots and bought some pictures. It was just a bit of a fun, but the pictures are AMAZING. They honestly make me feel capable of anything and really brought home to me that everyday me isn’t all I can be. That with a little extra expertise and resource I can do something very, very different. It’s such a great concept to get my head around and apply in general. (Also, I look smoking hot and who doesn’t love that?!)

I really want to display some of the pictures. They aren’t tacky or sleazy. I’m wearing more that I was on the beach last month. Full Bra, brazillian pants, and a jacket in some shots. No stockings, thongs or bondage type undies. No handcuffs, but some hobby props (a hat and a book. Some pearls) She sees me naked all the time (but I respect her privacy however she prefers and I don’t brazenly wander about naked. We have dogs that open doors, it’s unavoidable, not deliberate or overtly liberal. She locks the bathroom, but will happily yell for me to get her a towel etc. All no big deal in an all girl household) But the pics are overtly sensual. I don’t have a partner and her father is permanently out of the picture for over than a decade. I do sometimes date and she knows about that in age appropriate detail.

My biggest concern is that she will connect it with my dating (which is fairly new and not unconnected in that both are because I feel more sexy than I have for years) but it’s not that dating leads to needing to change to be attractive for dates. It’s feeling more attractive and exploring that through dating AND how I present myself now I have a bit more freedom from lone parenting. How much do I share?! Is it creepy? Is it tacky, even though the pic itself isn’t? Or is it empowering and celebrating myself? (I could have one without my face in and make put it’s not me, but that seems even weirder!)

I’m not going to hang it in the sitting room, but she’ll see it often in my room. So will her friends as they come in and out of her room, because the only blank wall faces the door and our dogs open the door. We’ll have to have at least a chat about not telling my mother/all the neighbours/the greengrocer’s cat about it, what to say to her friends and not to let them photograph it! I just don’t think she’ll get it. I wouldn’t have got it at her age. (I wouldn’t have got it 12 months ago!). Is it unreasonable to expect her to get it with the right framing or should I wait? Until
when?!

All views welcome, but be polite! (Apologies for length, I’m thinking out loud)

@SurprisedWithAHorse

They are quite clearly and pathetically trying to shoot down OP's new confidence because they are offended at the concept of boudoir photography. It's totally transparent. That's why they're not satisfied just to say "keep them in a drawer so the kids don't see" and instead have to tell her that however nice she looks, she doesn't really look like that and has no business feeling good about it. And she should feel embarrassed for doing it at all, etc etc.

I think you're missing the point: the whole point about boudoir photography is that it exudes the opposite of confidence. It exudes insecurity about your looks and a sense that you connect your looks with your sexuality. To be really blunt about it no one who feels genuinely confident about their looks needs to pay someone to photograph them in soft lighting.

No one begrudges the OP doing anything to support her self-esteem but these things don't signal self-esteem, they signal desperation and fragile self-confidence.

Which in turn is being signalled to her children.

I mean it's your house and your photos OP, you can do what you want. It's not unreasonable to want privacy or expect ypur dd's friends not to go into your room, but if you hang a massive picture on the wall in plain sight then people will of course see it unless you close/lock your bedroom door.

All ins and outs aside, your teenager is likely to be embarrassed and her friends will gossip and take the piss if they see it, because: teenagers. Just weigh it up and decide.

I wouldn’t unless you are a sex therapist and your home has tons of nudes all over the place like the sex therapist mum in Sex education had dildos and pictures of vaginas everywhere.

Why is everyone psychoanalysing the joy of a boudoir shoot?

OP's wants to look bloody lovely in some photos.

She's had a shoot that makes her look bloody lovely in some photos.

Those criticising or analysing, do you all keep the photos where you look shite? Or ever used the portrait option on your selfies? If you do, you're clearly insecure about your appearance and need to realise that you need to feel validated in other things. 🤦

But so what if the OP felt under-confident and this has helped her out? Something like 80% of women in polls dislike their bodies, so making out she's some exception is unfair. Most women feel insecure, again so what? People are just using this as an excuse to kick the OP a bit. I don't see the difference between taking 100 shots on a phone and selecting the one nice one, or using a filter, or avoiding the camera altogether, than what the OP's done-people want nice visual representations of themselves.

The question is as it's got a sexual angle to it, is it for shared spaces in the house, and I think the answer is no.

@Wasjumpking ditto!

Pretty sure if I had learnt to do what I can do on a dance pole on a gymnastics bar or learnt to move around how I move around a dance pole in a ballet hall I would also feel incredibly empowered because it's taken years of dedication to strength and flexibility training. Difference is that gymnastics and ballet are not stigmatised in the same way and are not met with large amounts of people insisting it's a degrading activity so there is no need to point out how empowering many performers find it really. It doesn't come up in conversation the same way.

Also I don't think it's strip club roots can be ignored, there is a sensual side to pole dance, especially if you take heels classes etc. There is a whole culture surrounding pole in the UK that is full of women reclaiming their sexuality and bodies for themselves to make themselves feel good because they enjoy it opposed to it being a thing existing to appeal to men with only male pleasure in mind and that is empowering.

I hope that all the people going on about how the OP doesn't look like her and it's all pointless anyway didn't waste their prescious cash on hair and make up for their wedding day, or pay a professional photographer to capture it. Don't you know that how you look on your wedding day isn't "really" you, if you're not wearing the same old jeans that you do the school run in?

OP I support your having the photos! But I do think you're best waiting until DC has moved out to display them publically in your home.

Very very tacky.

I think you're missing the point: the whole point about boudoir photography is that it exudes the opposite of confidence. It exudes insecurity about your looks and a sense that you connect your looks with your sexuality. To be really blunt about it no one who feels genuinely confident about their looks needs to pay someone to photograph them in soft lighting.

FFS @Thepeopleversuswork What a ridiculous thing to say. Having never done it, you'd never know how much confidence it takes to do.

I got mine done to capture a moment in time, to celebrate me, to record how confident and comfortable i am in my skin, how much I love the me-ness of me, to record the cheeky side of me that's always been there, to have something to look back on in later years and say "Girl, you're good"

I'd never have done it in my 20s/30s when I was far less saggy and floppy than I am now, as I wasn't the self loving person then that I am now.

I certainly wouldn't have got the same effect from wearing a twin set and pearls either.

I now have a record of me being me and loving me. And I feel sad for you that you'd rather judge others than celebrate them.

It’s all a bit mean on this thread.

I don’t think OP is trying to look like someone else etc. She has just seen that with a certain kind of makeup and lighting, she is able to look the way she would like to. Sexy etc. So it’s a bit of a revelation to her that after all the years of struggling, she can still achieve a certain look. It’s not something I would ever want to do, but OP clearly enjoyed the experience and the results. I am not sure that aspect needs dissecting so unpleasantly.

OP once your euphoria has settled a bit give this some more thought. My son had a girl in his year whose dad was a famous footballer. The hallway had a photo of his model mum in her underwear. It was a source of much teen giggling and everybody in the school heard about it. Have a think if you want your daughter to be the target of all this.

I think it’s unwise. Surely you can get a friend over and think of some creative alternative locations for this photo if you really can’t hide it away? There is always a solution to these kinds of things.

I am genuinely impressed by your DIY skills though. You sound very talented!

I actually tend to agree that the pole dancing thing is internalised misogyny, which allocates value to activities that are seen as valuable by men. But so what? The great thing about being a woman in the UK in the 21st century is that you can look at these practices and decide to engage in the activities you like, even if the root of your desire to do them is rooted in misogyny.

When I was a teen (in the 90s) my best friend's mum had some topless pictures up on the stairs. They were quite arty, black and white and from when she lifted weights so she was very muscled in them, and very beautiful. I found them quite fascinating and my friend thought they were a bit vain but I don't recall there being any drama around it.

I haven’t read all the replies so it’s possible this has already been suggested but I think you should find a great photographer who offers family and branding photography. Explain what the boudoir photos gave you and ask them to give you a photoshoot with your daughter that focuses on empowering images that depict you both as strong, confident, attractive, (use your own words) that you can hang on the wall. A good photographer should be able to give you that feeling without it being boudoir.

I think it’s great you had such a wonderful experience and I think photos in which you both feel amazing would be a wonderful thing to display especially as she’s in the often uncomfortable teenage years.

I agree with your analysis @MiddleParking

People are being rather harsh. But I do think it's a bit cringe to have a boudoir shoot. It's something regular people do to fee attractive - for that specific purpose. Not because you're a stunning model who on a job.

I think they're the type of thing that's enjoyed privately, in which case no issue

Hang it on the back of your bedroom door

You'll likely be the only one to see it then

Think i would put it in my bedroom, and shut the door properly, dogs cant usually open a fully closed door or move handles up or down or turn knobs.

@JupiterTheFireEngine That sounds like a nice idea.

OP, I’m going against the grain here. If you’re proud of the photo and want to display it in your personal space, then I’d say go for it. Your daughter doesn’t need to look at it if she doesn’t want. And her friends shouldn’t be in your room unless you’ve expressly given permission. It sounds to me, from what you’ve written here, that you have a good and very open relationship with your DD so I’m sure you could talk to her about why you’ve chosen to put the picture up and what it symbolises for you.
Also to all the posters making slightly snide (or at least that’s I how I read it) remarks about how passé boudoir photos are — so what? I think it’s great how empowering you found/find it, OP.

No one begrudges the OP doing anything to support her self-esteem

Yeah, now I know you're not reading the posts. There have been loads trying to tear OP down by telling her that if she looks good in the photos, it's because they've been edited, filtered etc and basically trying to tell her she's not all that. Begrudging her self esteem is completely at the heart of many of these posts, who couldn't care less about the kids and are just offended at a few sexy photos they haven't even seen.

There's nothing insecure about commissioning some private photos that express a fun or intimate side of you that isn't shown to many people or very often. Many women don't want to, fine, but many women find it helps them to rediscover and express a part of themselves that life had made them forget - sounds like OP's one of them.

Tbh, how she looks isn't even the point. It was self-expression, not a beauty contest. Yes, they'll have flattering lighting etc...so what? The pics are for her. This sounds a bit like the "makeup is lying" stuff from people who apparently don't realise eyelids aren't naturally purple. Everyone knows they'll look different in soft light etc. Do we always have to look the same all the time? Does that always have to be the most everyday we look? I had professional hair and makeup for my wedding. Did that make me insecure? Everyone there knew what I normally look like. I don't think any of them thought I was trying to mind wipe them.

Just no. If her friends saw it she could end up being teased. Its not worth it. If after discussion with her, she was happy about it being shown in a more private area, then OK. However 'mature' a 13 year old appears on the surface, they are still children.

All these comments….I think we need to see the photo before we can make our minds up!!

Don't make your daughter keep sexy secrets for you and don't let her become the talk of her friends because you are craving attention. My neighbour has pictures of her nipples in close up hanging on the stairs and I cannot unsee them.

Bottom line is:

• Your daughter will have millions of messages over her lifetime telling her that her appearance/sexuality/availability/willingness to please men/'sensuousness' is what matters - don't endorse those messages, protect her from them.
• Don't involve your daughter in any way in your own 'sensual' life. Your boundaries are fucked because your family boundaries were fucked - it was the 70s and there was still an idea that including children in adult sexuality was liberating rather than an abuse of the child, who cannot consent. We have learnt a lot since then.
• Your daughter's developing sexuality is not your business - it is catastrophically intrusive to involve yourself. Individual sexualityis inherently personal and to entangle yourself in your daughter's will do lasting damage - she will never be able to remove you from it. You will be present in some way forever in the most private part of her self.
• The sense of being able to make yourself desirable to the male gaze is not the same thing as owning and inhabiting your own sexuality. To respond to an earlier poster who did 'exotic' dancing - no-one needs to to 'learn how to walk' ffs. Unless this is all about the male gaze, which it is.
• Empowerment is about being a subject, not an object. Try and be your own subject and look at the world from inside out, rather than observing yourself as an object, detached and alienated from your own selfhood.

Pole photos are generally different to boudoir photos, to be fair. Boudoir photos are more “look at me sexually” whereas pole is more “check what I can do”