To display a boudoir photograph with a child in the home?

[Notgoingononlyfansyet]

I ‘won’ one of those boudoir shoots and bought some pictures. It was just a bit of a fun, but the pictures are AMAZING. They honestly make me feel capable of anything and really brought home to me that everyday me isn’t all I can be. That with a little extra expertise and resource I can do something very, very different. It’s such a great concept to get my head around and apply in general. (Also, I look smoking hot and who doesn’t love that?!)

I really want to display some of the pictures. They aren’t tacky or sleazy. I’m wearing more that I was on the beach last month. Full Bra, brazillian pants, and a jacket in some shots. No stockings, thongs or bondage type undies. No handcuffs, but some hobby props (a hat and a book. Some pearls) She sees me naked all the time (but I respect her privacy however she prefers and I don’t brazenly wander about naked. We have dogs that open doors, it’s unavoidable, not deliberate or overtly liberal. She locks the bathroom, but will happily yell for me to get her a towel etc. All no big deal in an all girl household) But the pics are overtly sensual. I don’t have a partner and her father is permanently out of the picture for over than a decade. I do sometimes date and she knows about that in age appropriate detail.

My biggest concern is that she will connect it with my dating (which is fairly new and not unconnected in that both are because I feel more sexy than I have for years) but it’s not that dating leads to needing to change to be attractive for dates. It’s feeling more attractive and exploring that through dating AND how I present myself now I have a bit more freedom from lone parenting. How much do I share?! Is it creepy? Is it tacky, even though the pic itself isn’t? Or is it empowering and celebrating myself? (I could have one without my face in and make put it’s not me, but that seems even weirder!)

I’m not going to hang it in the sitting room, but she’ll see it often in my room. So will her friends as they come in and out of her room, because the only blank wall faces the door and our dogs open the door. We’ll have to have at least a chat about not telling my mother/all the neighbours/the greengrocer’s cat about it, what to say to her friends and not to let them photograph it! I just don’t think she’ll get it. I wouldn’t have got it at her age. (I wouldn’t have got it 12 months ago!). Is it unreasonable to expect her to get it with the right framing or should I wait? Until
when?!

All views welcome, but be polite! (Apologies for length, I’m thinking out loud)

OP, ignore the prudes. There is a real thread of puritanism running through Mumsnet and this kind of thing brings it out like nothing else. It's spiteful, nasty, ignorant and not worth your energy. They probably all love the idea of doing it themselves. "Brazen", "disgusting", ffs. They're clothed photographs, commissioned privately by the subject. Have these people left the house since 1750?

Just think practically. If you don't want the pics seen by your child or her friends (and it probably is a good idea to keep it from them... cameraphones and social media, kids can be awful), just don't put them anywhere where they might be. You can still have them somewhere private where you can enjoy them and the side of you they express.

YABU to have boudoir shots at all. Thought they were last seen in the late eighties.

Because of lighting and make up usually not heavy editing. I know quite a few photographers and have had quite a few photoshoots done (not boudoir) and I've always felt great about my photos and I never had any of them heavily edited and none of my photographer friends heavily edit their photos unless asked to.

So the idea that the OP only looks good in her photo because of heavy editing probably isn't true and is cruel.

But you KNOW deep down you don't look like this, it is a lie, by all means be a sexual being and enjoy all the sex as you like but you shouldn't have to get a professional to "make" you look hot. Surely that is the absolute opposite of empowerment. It is not being happy in your own skin so you need a filter to feel sexually empowered by putting a heavily edited photo of you on the wall that looks nothing like you....ok then.

All these people whinging about lighting and angles etc are reminding me of the kids on TikTok who have only just discovered that makeup makes you look different.

So none in your bra and knickers then with a hat and pearls?

You want to have a chat with someone else's child about her seeing semi naked photos of you but keeping it a secret and not telling her parent? Can you imagine how you would react if one of your child's friend's fathers had that conversation with her?

The really simple answer is that if you can't prevent other people seeing a picture of you that they are uncomfortable with seeing, you don't put it up.

The word "empowering" does a lot of heavy lifting, doesn't it. You're right toomuchforonewoman, here it's the opposite.

No, obviously not ok to have a sexualised photo of yourself on display at home, and around a 13 year old girl is mortifying for her. You know it’s not ok or you wouldn’t be desperately trying to justify why you think it’s ok. Look at the responses you’ve got- they’re the parents of your daughter’s friends. Keep them in an album.

Personally I'd cringe at the thought of seeing my mum trying to look sexy but she is 78.

Most professional photos are not heavily edited unless the editing is requested by the model. Most professional photos are achieved by make up and lighting not heavy editing.

I also disagree about it being the opposite of empowering. This kind of stuff can really help women's confidence if they like the idea of doing it and that confidence boost can be empowering even if you don't personal think you would find it empowering. I have never had a boudoir shoot, although I've taken photos of myself but I do go to different dance classes that would be in the "exotic" category of dance. The improvement in my body confidence and thus my sexual self confidence is huge and that has transferred to me feeling happy to wear shorts in the summer as an example, or enjoying and wanting sex more, initiating sex with my partner more, and being comfortable being a sexual person instead of carrying a bag of shame about sex and my body around all the time. That is empowering to me, it's fine if you wouldn't find it empowering but we shouldn't put other women down for finding it so. OP said her shoot was empowering for her... so therefore it was empowering and it's a shame for other women to be trying to put her down about that.

I don’t know where you’ve got the idea that that’s the case for models, but even if it were, OP isn’t a model. She is a customer. The editing is part of what she’s paid for.

I’m interested in WHY this is a problem, and how that sits with a young girl developing her sexuality in a hyper sexualised society. Where it’s totally safe and acceptable for her to see strangers in much more sexual poses and clothes outside the home or on TV. But not someone she trusts inside her home, because related. And somehow simultaneously not ok for her friends to see it in someone else’s home. Because…..not related. It seems so inconsistent.

It's not about whether it comes from strangers, relatives, friends. The only distinction that matters is that adults - any adults - should not be involving children in their sexuality and sex life. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from the hypersexualisation of women and children in society, not to throw your hands up and say "oh well it's everywhere, she may as well have it from me too in her own home".

Was wondering when the inevitable cries of "prudes!" would come, as they tend to do whenever the subject of safeguarding children against sexualisation comes up. Or the wild oversimplifications, ignoring all of the nuance and the valid points that have been made.

I also agree that it's not necessary or kind for people to be commenting on OP's sense of style. It's personal and not relevant to the discussion. But if you ignore the rude snobby people and the "caring about children being exposed to sexual images = prudish" people, there's a lot of quality discussion on the thread.

I grew up with a friend whose mum had pictures like this up in the house, it's still a subject of enormous embarrassment for her now twenty years later.

Look I get that you feel good about the pictures and that's great. I'm not prudish at all, I have some fantastic ones myself, but they're for me and my husband, not for my teenage daughter. She's not an idiot, she knows I'm an adult woman and that I have a sex life, but she doesn't need to see the evidence of it up on the wall.

No teenager wants to see their mother's "sensuality". There's a huge difference between awareness of your parent as a sexual being, and having evidence of that pinned up on the wall! My mum is an absolute fucking badass, and gorgeous, birthed and raised seven kids and still manages to look like Dita Von Teese. She's incredible. I absolutely do not want to ever see her in Brazilian panties and a cowboy hat, no matter how great she'd look in them, because... Ew. She's my mother. It's entirely different than seeing some model or Kardashian in the same context. I don't need to see that to know how amazing and beautiful she is, and unlike models and influencers my mother is not trying to sell me anything.

By all means take all the strength and power you want from those pictures, but embody the energy of it rather than displaying the pictures that really are not for anyone but you.

I think she would be uncomfortable with this TBH. Its a little bit cringey I think for children .The trouble with secrets with DC is that they have a habit of coming out! Maybe a nice album somewhere ? Unless Mum never comes past your room wouldnt she run the risk of seeing them too?

No but I have professional pole photoshoot photos where I am wearing very little due to not wanting to fall on my head and die so honestly I am sure I would feel good in a photo in lingerie with a hat and pearls shrug

When you say professional, do you mean you are a professional pole dancer and model?

She is paying to be a model for a photoshoot for the day. Most photoshoots like this come with minor body editing (like removing spots) not heavy editing (like body forming) unless that is asked for and paid for by the customer.

I'd keep it very simple rather than agonising about what is appropriate and not, what to tell your DD to do and say etc, which are all minefields.

I'm not understanding how the dogs open the doors, but I think you need to fix things so they can't, and then keep your bedroom door shut.
And if you can, reconfigure the wall space so you can hang the pics on a more discreet wall, in case the door does get left open.

Talk to your DD about bedrooms being private. She's old enough now to understand that and will likely want it for herself now or soon, anyway.

Just type in Boudoir photo's before and after on ANY website that offers them and the women are UNRECOGNISABLE. I think going to a dance class, learning how to move and finding self confidence in it is HUGELY empowering because it is real, there is nothing fake about it.

Getting a photographer to make you look as hot as they can with lighting and props and makeup is not.... it's not real. How can you be empowered by a photo on the wall you had to pay someone to make you look like that?

Bloody hell OP, whats wrong with you?
Stick it in the wardrobe out of sight 'til she moves out.
Its weird to even consider this.

I am not a professional dancer or a professional model. I do pole dance as a hobby and have paid for professional photographers to take in studio professionally shot photos of pole tricks.

The reason why many women find this kind of thing empowering is because we are bombarded in society with images of other women looking like this due to professional staged photos etc. It is everywhere. Walk down the high street. Therefore the concept and also visually seeing for themselves that they too can look "hot" just like all the images they see is empowering to many women.

Right but this is not a good thing. It's something we need to push back on rather than tacitly accept with a word-weary sigh. The more you tell yourself your value comes from looking "hot" (as defined by the current zeitgeist), the more you will internalise it.

God knows your children are exposed to enough of this through social media. Your home should be an oasis away from this kind of thing. Not a way to reinforce the idea that your value comes from how well some grubby bloke on the high street (sorry, tasteful stylist) has lit you in your smalls.

If you feel empowered by this it suggests that a) you are very happy to accept someone else's value judgement of your attractiveness and b) that you care so much about wanting to look sexually attractive that you're actually willing to pay someone to make you look like this.

You say we don't get to define how other women get a sense of empowerment but that to me is a textbook definition of how not to be empowered (and critically, how not to empower your daughters).

Could you make it a little curtain?

Whiff of jealousy 😂

Only if you place value on what you look like in your underwear, specifically whether you meet particular male standards.

I've just thought about women I feel jealous of and one who sprung to mind was a school friend who's written a couple of books. I think that's amazing and yes I'm a little jealous, I wish I could have achieved something like that.

Boudoir photography...not so much.