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AIBU?

To ask for a sperm test before marriage

148 replies

julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:15

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

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HopeHopeandmoreHope · 18/09/2023 14:25

Absolutely not, we're a team and would deal with it together. I think if you truly love someone you wouldn't leave them because of something that is out their control

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Frodedendron · 18/09/2023 14:31

When you get married you commit to finding a way through the difficult stuff over a lifetime together. Any number of unforeseen things could happen to this couple. She could have multiple miscarriages. She could get cancer. So could he. Financial troubles. Sexual problems. All couples face shit at some point or another. If all it takes for her to decide she doesn't want him is a low sperm count, I'd forget it. That's nothing! (Okay, I know it's a bit more serious than that, but really).

Can you imagine the reaction on here if a man left his fiancee because she'd had a couple of miscarriages and he wasn't confident she could carry a baby any more?

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Trisolaris · 18/09/2023 14:35

No, but part of our conversation pre-marriage was thoroughly discussing what if we can’t have kids, will we still be happy together or would that change our decision to get married.

We did actually do fertility MOTs pre-marriage but that was more to inform whether to get a rush on with baby making before the wedding or to wait.

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PinkRoses1245 · 18/09/2023 14:38

I personally think that's very odd, and reductive - to minimise your whole relationship to that one thing. Even a couple that doesn't show any issues on fertility tests can find it hard to conceive/have a baby. It's something you deal with together, if that is the case. Can you imagine the reverse situation if a man asked that of his future wife?

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Owjrbvr · 18/09/2023 14:39

I wouldn’t marry someone who wanted proof I was fertile before marriage; if someone asked for that I’d consider it a lucky escape to know what they’re like before marriage

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MixedCouple · 18/09/2023 14:40

I had this convo with DH 0re marriage. What's its etc and he said what I said we are marrying the person for them not their reproductive abilities which are unknown. If I couldn't have kids he would stick by me and vise versa.

You can go off and marry someone fertile and have an awful unfullfiling marriage with kids. Or marry Mr right and be content with your lot in life. That's what we picked - each other.

6 months later despite my reproductive tract issues we had DS 1st month TTC

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SnookyPook · 18/09/2023 14:40

Wow.... no, I wouldn't. That's not why you marry (imho). You marry the person you love and want to be a team with for life. You marry because they make your world feel brighter, and you get each other, support each other etc. You can imagine being old together and still having fun and finding things to talk about. Having kids together (if that's what you both want) is the icing on the cake.

I would however have ended a relationship early on if we were on different pages about wanting kids... but the having them, that is to be discovered.

This seems a very naive and black and white way of looking at things. Not to be awful but what if her partner needs chemo or something and having kids then goes off the table? Grounds for divorce?!

As someone who has had two miscarriages this year, and part of my grief is feeling bad that I've 'let my DH down' (even though I know that's not the case and he definitely doesn't see it that way) the whole idea of this is just terribly sad. Personally it would be enough to make me rethink marriage with a person if they insisted on this but... each to their own. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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ISpyNoPlumPie · 18/09/2023 14:44

Trisolaris · 18/09/2023 14:35

No, but part of our conversation pre-marriage was thoroughly discussing what if we can’t have kids, will we still be happy together or would that change our decision to get married.

We did actually do fertility MOTs pre-marriage but that was more to inform whether to get a rush on with baby making before the wedding or to wait.

We had this discussion too because we are grown ups and fertility tests won't necessarily give you the answers you are (your friend is) looking for.

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EstieGreenwood · 18/09/2023 14:44

If my husband had asked me to submit to a fertility test before we married, I would have given him the engagement ring back. Modern marriage is supposed to be a journey through life together, in all the good and bad that entails, which includes fertility struggles.

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Webex · 18/09/2023 14:46

Planting your own stories to "pick up" later I see.

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KimberleyClark · 18/09/2023 14:47

Absolutely not. If you don’t love someone for themselves rather than their sperm count then you shouldn’t be considering marriage. There would be outrage on here if if a man insisted his wife had fertility tests before marriage.

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julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:51

I don't know how to feel about it tbh. My DH and I conceived baby no1 straight away but haven't been able to conceive baby no2 for a few months and the TWW has been gruelling every time, so I can see why she would want to avoid years and years of doing this potentially. But equally... it doesn't seem in line with what marriage represents

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KimberleyClark · 18/09/2023 14:55

Trisolaris · 18/09/2023 14:35

No, but part of our conversation pre-marriage was thoroughly discussing what if we can’t have kids, will we still be happy together or would that change our decision to get married.

We did actually do fertility MOTs pre-marriage but that was more to inform whether to get a rush on with baby making before the wedding or to wait.

We discussed whether we wanted children, but not what if we couldn’t. In the event we couldn’t, but that has made fuck all difference to how we feel about each other and our marriage.

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Lavender14 · 18/09/2023 14:55

No, there's loads of factors and some people have unexplained fertility, some people have experiences as life goes on like cancer treatment that might affect fertility etc. I think you get married to unite as a team and commit to one another for the bad stuff that's not in your control as well as the good.

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HopeHopeandmoreHope · 18/09/2023 15:02

I really hope your friend's partner never has to experience any fertility issues, I mean I wish no one did! But as someone who is currently struggling with infertility I can say how hard it is, never mind having a narrow-minded partner who sounds like she wouldn't be supportive if the worst was to happen. I think it's awful to put that pressure on someone she is marrying.

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parietal · 18/09/2023 15:04

No, of course not.

After 5 years of marriage we discovered DH has fertility issues. IVF-ISCI is fab and has a better success rate than most other types. But I would not have changed my mind on marrying him even if it hadn't worked.

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Kendodd · 18/09/2023 15:06

Was this an arranged marriage for the production of children/an heir?

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PyongyangKipperbang · 18/09/2023 15:09

It depends on why she did it.

If it was to go into the marriage knowing up front that they might have trouble conceiving and therefore they can make decisions about when to start trying, what they would do if they needed assisted conception etc then I wouldnt have a problem with it. Its quite sensible when you think of how many people wait until their mid thirties before ttc and then finding out they cant, when they have a lot less time to get treatment and potentially a lot less chance of it working.

If it was because she wouldnt marry him with a low sperm count then I would question whether she actually loved him at all and if I was the DP would be reconsidering the marriage.

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LonginesPrime · 18/09/2023 15:20

I think it depends hugely on why they are getting married.

Not everyone gets married for the same reason and throughout history many marriages have been based on factors other than being head-over-heels in love.

If having children is central to their plan and they wouldn't want to be married if that can't happen (and perhaps might be against fertility treatment for religious reasons, or worry about the cost, etc) then I think it's perfectly reasonable to save themselves the hassle of getting divorced by knowing what they're getting into in advance.

Plus, I can see how it could influence how much a couple splashes out on a wedding and honeymoon if they know they're also likely to need funds set aside for fertility treatment. It does seem sensible to know in advance unless they've got unlimited funds available.

Marriage is a legally binding contract so if that's what they need to know before they enter into it, then I don't think it's unreasonable (sure, it might not be the best predictor of fertility anyway, but that's their business as to what makes them comfortable). It doesn't affect anyone else and everyone has their own non-negotiables when it comes to marriage (like where they'll live, raising the DC in a certain religion, etc).

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gabsdot · 18/09/2023 15:21

My husband has zero sperm count. This was discovered after about 4 years of TTC. He was 22 when we were married. If I had known, would I have still married him, probably yes but would he have let me marry him, I dont know.
It was devastating news to receive after 4 years together, how much worse for him to get that news as a 22 year old single man.

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Laurapb88 · 18/09/2023 15:23

I did marry someone with rubbish fertility and we are very lucky icsi gave us a beautiful boy but we were willing to go through that treatment

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MoonShinesBright · 18/09/2023 15:24

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Theroom · 18/09/2023 15:40

I'd have stayed with him, yes, but I was sure that I could be happy whether we had children or not. If having children was my life's dream, then I wouldn't have wanted to marry someone I knew was infertile, no.

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DisquietintheRanks · 18/09/2023 15:43

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health....

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PinkRoses1245 · 18/09/2023 15:46

julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:51

I don't know how to feel about it tbh. My DH and I conceived baby no1 straight away but haven't been able to conceive baby no2 for a few months and the TWW has been gruelling every time, so I can see why she would want to avoid years and years of doing this potentially. But equally... it doesn't seem in line with what marriage represents

but tests aren't definitive, and a few months of trying is normal. Surely it's even more stressful if the tests come back OK for both of them, and then it takes a while. Better going in blind initially, i think. and being pregnant doesn't mean you have a baby, and there's no way of knowing if you'll miscarry.

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