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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for a sperm test before marriage

148 replies

julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:15

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 21:12

gabsdot · 18/09/2023 15:21

My husband has zero sperm count. This was discovered after about 4 years of TTC. He was 22 when we were married. If I had known, would I have still married him, probably yes but would he have let me marry him, I dont know.
It was devastating news to receive after 4 years together, how much worse for him to get that news as a 22 year old single man.

What did you do? Did you have kids? In your shoes I'd have expected him to agree to a sperm donor so we could still have a family

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 21:13

PinkFootstool · 18/09/2023 16:06

My DP tried to make me leave when we found out he was infertile. We're now married and childless, but it works for us these days.

Not going to lie, it was a very hard few years to learn how to face up to not having kids but I love him and want to be with him with or without kids.

Out of interest did you explore using a sorry donor? If my eggs didn't work I'd definitely use an egg donor

heartofglass23 · 18/09/2023 21:22

No man/relationship would ever be more important to me than having (bio) DC.

BBno4 · 18/09/2023 21:23

If I had an arranged marriage I would. I would want full sti and fertility testing and would offer the same.

PinkFootstool · 18/09/2023 21:26

@Unexpectedlysinglemum We explored everything and concluded donor sperm through every potential source including friends, DH's brothers, strangers, altruistic donation and every donation single website in Europe we could find was far too legally complicated. We decided not to go that route via IUI, IVF or self-insemination as a result. Sperm donation is not an easy option. We didn't want a stranger appearing on the doorstep in 18yrs time or to be dragged through court for custody by the biological father.

We looked at ICSI, but DH's sperm was non-viable. We tried to adopt and were turned down due to my disability. We have now come to terms with being childless.

You can say you'll explore every avenue when it's not something you have to seriously consider, but unless you actually have to confront infertility head on, I assure you that you can't know how it will pan out.

daliesque · 18/09/2023 21:26

WTF?

Just no words. It's disgusting, either way.

Hiddenvoice · 18/09/2023 21:28

No I wouldn’t ask my dh for any of the tests pre marriage. Before marriage we spoke a lot about our future and what we both wanted. When we started ttc it wasn’t easy but it’s something we worked through together. We are both fertile but it’s not always a guarantee that it will come easily. We thankfully have a little one but if we weren’t able to then we would find other ways to be a family. My dh is my person and the only one I’d want to do it all with.
I fully understand your friends longing to be a mum, I’ve felt that so strongly but it’s strange that she was maybe happy to lose someone she apparently really loved for it. If he was against having children then that’s different as their future wants are different but if he was infertile and she truly loved him then surely she could find another way?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/09/2023 21:29

It's a good idea to know from the outset, rather than wait 5 years, then decide to TTC, find out nothing is happening, then wait a year, then wait a year on the waiting list, then wait another six months for the next appointment, etc, etc.

Don't think 'I'm not marrying you if it turns out you're a Jaffa, Dave' is the same as that, though.

Mistymist · 18/09/2023 21:30

No fertility tests will guarantee a child. None! Her request is unreasonable and honestly I would have run a mile if my husband had asked me to test my fertility.

lolcoCoobn · 18/09/2023 21:36

Financial security is important to me. I wouldn't marry a man with low earning potential.
So if children are important then who am I to tell another woman the she shouldn't ensure she has the best chance?

It's a bit intrusive but no more U than other criteria. And quite frankly, good for the DH to know that she's super invested in this!

I'm ambivalent about kids. So is DH. If conditions are right we will have them, besides we're both neurodiverse and need to work out whether we'd cope. I wouldn't marry a man who had been wanting them all his life as much as the OP's friend.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/09/2023 21:51

I love how some people say I want children so badly that I'd leave or not marry someone with infertility issues without a single thought about how they would feel if the situation was reversed and if they were rejected be be sure if it.

He should have ran immediately and never looked back. Good luck to him with illness, accident or any other challenge life throws up. He certainly can't depend on to stick around if it doesn't fit in with her plans.

WrylyAmused · 18/09/2023 21:54

I think this whole discussion is quite interesting, given that the average MN narrative is if a woman wants (some or more) children but her partner doesn't, she's absolutely entitled to leave him to find that happiness with additional children.

So what's ethically different here?

The OP doesn't give the full context, but we can suppose that to go through all that, the woman is very very keen to have children.

She's considering her future life. She knows, absolutely, that she wants children in it. So she's taking steps to ensure that happens.

The missing context is, OP doesn't say whether the testing is to promote an informed discussion, so that if there are potential problems identified, the couple can discuss them and agree approaches in advance. That sounds very sensible, although of course they could still suffer unexplained infertility etc, they're taking the most informed path they can.

Or, it might be that part of the future she envisages for herself includes a family where all the children are biologically related to both parents, which might be impossible if the man has low fertility. You might disapprove, but it's a choice she can make.

It's also unknown what the male partner's views on the whole thing are, and how keen he is for children, or bothered he'd be if they weren't biologically his, or indeed, if he would still want to have any if they wouldn't be biologically his, and/or whether he knows he could still be as committed to and loving to them if they weren't related. Given what we see in terms of inadequate fathers who are related, that's also not a small concern.

Also, since infertility can be a massive strain on a relationship, it's not unreasonable to want to be forewarned, to know that this is an issue you'll need to face together.

But, supposing she did want to leave him if he were infertile....
No, it's not his fault. And yes, he might also be devastated by it.
But there are any number of threads where the repeated advice is "You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason."
The ability to have children is a pretty fundamental reason for a lot of women. And from the importance she's giving it, she clearly wouldn't be happy if she couldn't.

So ultimately, for this person, I feel that she's actually making the ethical choice, by ensuring that this doesn't become a major issue for her down the line, and causing her to want to break up an established marriage, which would be much more painful and disruptive to all involved (possibly including such things as wider families, as well as the couple themselves) than it would be to end the relationship before that commitment was made in the first place.

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2023 21:55

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/09/2023 21:51

I love how some people say I want children so badly that I'd leave or not marry someone with infertility issues without a single thought about how they would feel if the situation was reversed and if they were rejected be be sure if it.

He should have ran immediately and never looked back. Good luck to him with illness, accident or any other challenge life throws up. He certainly can't depend on to stick around if it doesn't fit in with her plans.

It's not only perfect people who get married - the rest of us are entitled to do it too if we want.

He knows what he's getting into and what her priorities are, so I don't see why anyone else would have an issue with it if they're both still happy to tie the knot.

Greensleeves · 18/09/2023 21:56

This is so far outside my wheelhouse I can't even imagine it. DH and I have been together for 26 years, we moved in together after three weeks of knowing each other and we love each other. If either of us had had fertility problems we would have faced it together. Asking a partner to pass a test before you commit just sounds so...transactional. And a shitty basis for a relationship; anything can go wrong with health, pregnancy, childbirth etc. if your attachment isn't strong enough to withstand adversity at the start, it's not going to work long term when life happens.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 18/09/2023 22:05

@julia8148 her poor husband to be! I hope he leaves her!
What if they have unexplained infertility?? Just like me and my husband ! 2.5 years it took us to have our daughter, and a failed IVF. Nothing wrong with either of us.
My body didn't respond to IVF drugs as it should have (it wouldn't shut down into menopausal state) and I couldn't get pregnant.... should my husband have went and left me??
Our daughter is now 4. No sign of baby number 2.... but I'm so grateful for our daughter.

Anotherparkingthread · 18/09/2023 22:06

I think it's a good idea. Lots of people wouldn't marry somebody who didn't own their own property or who had low earning potential, I think it is perfectly acceptable. People can be incompatable over much much smaller issues.

Divorces are also really expensive, imagine breaking up just a couple of years after marriage because one party found the idea of a life without children impossible. I don't see it as unfair. There are lots of things we are told to find out about somebody before we marry them, if it's a deal breaker it should be investigated.

I do think it's different if illness or something out of anybody's control happens after marriage though, for example being made infertile by cancer. I think once the vows are made you should stand by them.

SaffronSpice · 18/09/2023 22:10

Each to their own. If this was important to her then fair enough. If he was offended by it then equally fair enough if he wished to call the wedding off. Everyone sets their own priorities. Yes other things may happen in marriage but if this was really important to her then it makes sense to check it if he was willing.

UndercoverCop · 18/09/2023 22:14

The country we got married in insists on blood tests prior to marriage to test for contagious diseases, pregnancy and blood type and a chest x ray, as they believe marriage is for procreation and the outcome of those tests may affect that, they strongly discourage marriage between rh+ makes and rh - females because of possible pregnancy complications . It's a Catholic country but interestingly only civil marriages are recognised legally.
I think your friend isn't following usual social norms here and it's not something I would've asked for but is she from a country/heritage where this is standard?

AliasGrape · 18/09/2023 22:30

I wouldn’t have married/ stayed with DH if he hadn’t wanted children - it was a conversation we had very early on and if he had not wanted them then I’d have said we were incompatible and wished him well.

If I’d known at that early stage he couldn’t have children then I think I would have done the same honestly.

We had actually done fertility tests before marriage because we were already ttc/ under the fertility clinic by the time we got round to planning the wedding but at that point then no, marrying/ staying with him was in no way contingent on the outcome, we’d discussed and agreed what avenues we did/ didn’t want to pursue to try and have a child and how long we were going to give it, and what our plans were for what life would look like if we didn’t end up becoming parents.

RobertaFirmino · 18/09/2023 22:32

She's not marrying him for love then...

bluegreygreen · 19/09/2023 01:44

@julia8148

Interesting.

To be honest, I'd be more bothered by the amount of his personal information she's divulging than by the initial request.

TheGoogleMum · 19/09/2023 01:51

Makes it seem that having a baby is more important to her than marrying her fiance. It's certainly not a romantic decision!

Charlattanus23 · 19/09/2023 01:59

I'm a bit bemused, do people in your friendship group marry people or sentient ova/sperm banks??

Life doesn't move in a straight line, the older you get the clearer that becomes. You might be incredibly fertile in your twenties and then get sick or have some other life event happen and find your fertility changes. Nobody ever really knows what life has in store...

whatthejuice · 19/09/2023 02:09

No, but I do think it's generally a good idea for people to think more carefully generally about fertility. The earlier you know about any potential problems, the more likely you are to find a solution/way forward.
I suppose it depends on why she asked; is she just getting ahead of the curve or was it a case of "if you don't have the 'right' results, we're not getting married." I understand the first, slightly horrified at the idea of the second option!

givemeasunnyday · 19/09/2023 02:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Agree. I would be running for the hills if it was asked of me, and I wouldn't dream of insisting anyone else have it done.