To ask for a sperm test before marriage

[julia8148]

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

It doesn't mean someone views them as a means to and end though does it? Surely someone can be in love with someone but also recognise that children are a dealbreaker for them. I do wonder how many posters weren't overly bothered about having children and/or haven't faced the agonising decision between your partner and forgoing having children.

I do think there’s a difference between leaving a partner who won’t have children and leaving a partner who can’t have children though. The latter seems cold and selfish to me.

Many women aren't selfish enough to be honest and would rather go without something they really want so as to not risk upset- cliche but we only get one life, for some they prioritise having children and that's okay.

My DH was diagnosed with testicular cancer a year after we married. You never know what the future holds. We were told his cancer treatment would likely make him infertile, so used a sperm storage bank before his treatment started. I am intrigued as to how your friend would deal with this kind of infertility. Despite knowing we desperately wanted to start a family one day, I can tell you when you're faced with the very real prospect of losing your partner, things are put into perspective. Would she leave him if something similar happened to him, in pursuit of a 'fertile' man?

Not knowing what the future holds is different from making decisions based on information that is available now.

I agree with this.

I actually WAS looking into becoming a parent through donation and had made initial appointments, had some initial tests, just before I met DH.

I wasn't totally sold on the idea - had a few ethical qualms, but actually it did feel like a bit of a risk for me to put all that on hold and hope things worked out with DH.

So yeah, knowing full well that having/ wanting children was a dealbreaker for me, and that I was very set on making that happen - I may well have chosen to part ways with DH in the early days if I'd known he wasn't either willing or able to have children. It doesn't mean I don't love him, or that I wasn't falling for him pretty hard from quite early on, or that I ever saw him as a means to an end. It just means that I knew full well what I wanted from my life/ a relationship and I would probably (can't know for sure) have chosen to prioritise that. I was aware that we were both getting on, and always knew there was a chance we wouldn't be successful in having a child (and indeed it did take years and some treatment) but in order to commit to the relationship I did need to know it was at least a possibility.

I don't know when exactly the switch came from 'would leave if children weren't an option with you' to 'sticking with you regardless' - it was definitely long before we got married though.

Why not push them into genetic testing too?

Find out if your partner is susceptible to particular cancers or other illnesses so that you can bin them off now and find another?

I would not be marrying anyone who asked this. Actually, we had fertility issues. I say we, because we considered them joint issues. We have 2 dc, but it was a but of a struggle. I would do it over again though!

Why not? If it is important to you and if your fiancé doesn’t mind? We do most of our choosing based on visible genetics so why not include hidden genetics? Quite a few communities actually do this due to the prevalence of genetic conditions within their community, to check they aren’t both carriers, or where controls of sperm donation have broken down and they want to confirm they are not siblings.

The point is this is their choice, not yours, so if it is a free choice of both parties then that is up to them.

To the people saying not having children is a dealbreaker, what would happen if you were infertile or a partner decide you weren't enough if you couldn't produce a child?

I'm not taking about adoption, surrogacy or egg donor etc. He insists he wants his own naturally created, fully genetic child?

Surely that would be their right? Anyone can break up and leave anyone for whichever reason they chose. Yes it would feel like shit for sure and in a fair world might objectively be unfair, but again if its truly a dealbreaker for you then you have to do what you have to do.

I don't see the issue as long as both parties are happy to do it. Seems sensible if children truly are a dealbreaker to reduce the chances of heartache down the line by finding out sooner. We 'vet' a lot of other factors when finding a partner either consciously or subconsciously, don't see the issue.

No! I would leave if he changed his mind about having children because that’s a deal breaker for me but if wanted them and was unable, and willing to look into other options to be parents then no.

Possibly biased because I am childfree, but I think that's awful. Either you love someone enough to marry them, or you don't.

I knew from early that my DH had no sperm due to medical conditions. He said if I wanted a child w e would find a way. We did, in the end, but it I would have known how much pain it would have caused me… would I have agreed? It also sometimes feels sad that we couldn’t have the experience of creating a person from our shared gametes but we still created him from our shared love and DH is a wonderful dad.

also we never know what life has in store. My DH is older than me as people went on about me being his carer. I got dragged Dundee scar last year, if he hadn’t been retired and cared for me and DS with all he had, I would have been stuffed. So…

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

It doesn't say anywhere that she'd leave him if he was infertile!

@Ricewhispies I agree with you that anyone can break up at any time but it just appears the person breaking up with the infertile person gives zero consideration to the fact that they could also find themselves in the same position following sickness etc.

b) she told us she wouldn't be with him if he was infertile

I wish I could have known that exh had MS before I married him, it would have focused my mind more to the fact I didn't really love him & didn't want to marry him. Had I not been 7 months pregnant with ds, when he got diagnosed, I would have run for the hills. I think it is sensible if you want to have a family & also to find out if there are any illnesses that run in the family that could be passed on.

You can apply that to anything though.
One of my exes was long-term disabled and unemployed following an accident. It was hard. I eventually broke up with him.
God forbid if something happened to current DH I'd certainly stay by his side but that's very different from the situation with my ex who was already disabled when I started dating him.

I can't imagine wanting a DP who didn't see having bio dc as as important as I do.

If I really loved someone I'd never deny them the opportunity to have their own dc.

Well, no this is incorrect.

Marriage was created so men knew who their DCs were.