To ask for a sperm test before marriage

[julia8148]

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

I think it good that she asked then at least he aware of what her priorities are

personally I’d run for the hills it’s as though her priority is a sperm donation and a meal ticket

Maybe a test to see if it tastes too rank or there's too much of it.

I married my DH because I love him and it never would have occurred to me to get his sperm tested. We already had DD1 but knew we wanted more and it took a year of TTC to have her. If the struggles had continued, we would have dealt with it together.

Wish I had done that +25 years ago. Ended up doing icsi (that’s ivf where they actually inject the sperm into the egg) to get each of my four children. Don’t regret the kids for one second, but have divorced the exH. Could have saved myself a lot of bother if I’d thought of getting him to do a sperm test -or even the “try before you buy” approach (like the French: have baby first, then marry). I got pregnant each attempt - no problems my side-but we spent over £8k (in London) for each attempt at pregnancy. The strain of it all killed the marriage and it’s taken years to get my career back on track.

No, never. I love him too much.

Before we tried to conceive we planned two lives, one with kids one without. We also agreed on things like adoption, egg donation etc which wasn’t for us. For some, kids are the be all and end all, sometimes irrespective of who it’s with. For me, I wouldn’t risk losing the perfect man for me for a dream of children that don’t yet exist.

You can have kids with almost anyone (albeit some women have fertility issues I understand), but to find your ‘one’ is far more difficult.

I did know. I knew there was a chance a few weeks into dating but he played it down a bit (cancer) but before we got married he did do a sperm test (cos we were considering timelines for treatment etc)..it came back at pretty much zero. And it did not cross my mind once not to marry him. I loved him and I wanted to build a home and family with him no matter what that family looked like. We did some research on adoption, IVF and sperm donation and talked about what that would mean for us.

Five years later he responded to treatment amazingly. It was still low so we thought we needed IVF but lo and behold I got pregnant naturally. Now just started TTC no 2.

If someone would leave you for fertility issues maybe they're not the right person for you. Life's always gonna throw curve balls. The best couples I know work through those curve balls and don't just bail.

No, ridiculous.

I or we suffered from unexplained infertility for twenty years, so it wouldn't have bloody helped anyway.

Some things are outwith control.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

No and no.

It all sounds so transactional - as if all this person wanted was a sperm donor and not a life partner.

Agree with this completely. If you switch the sexes it’s horrific isn’t it?

That was my first thought too. I hope OPs friend and DP wrote their own wedding vows as that one would be a bit of a joke...

Agreed.

I suppose it depends if having children is more important than the marriage, which is the case for some people.

I'd say it is a bit unreasonable because you might be like me and my DH who had all the tests and were eventually diagnosed with unexplained infertility because all the tests came back clear and normal.

How very non-AIBU in here right now!
Usually everyone is very conditional with their ’love’ for their partners (and also when it comes to other people’s relationship).
I.e: can’t/won’t have a baby with me - dump them!
Doesn’t want/can’t have sex anymore - dump them!
Only wants 1/2/3 kids - dump them!
Gained weight - dump them!
Doesn’t want to get married/ married fast enough - dump them!
Won’t host a bbq - dump them!

I didn’t know there were anymore this many people here who actually wanted a partner.

My DH took it on himself to do this - without being asked. He said to the GP he wanted his fertility to be examined and the GP laughed and said he should have his head examined if he thought that's all marriage is! He did it anyway, and I was sort of touched - but also a bit bemused that he thought it 'the right thing to do'. Not sure if anyone advised it, but there you go. He's always been a deeply considerate person.

My DP tried to make me leave when we found out he was infertile. We're now married and childless, but it works for us these days.

Not going to lie, it was a very hard few years to learn how to face up to not having kids but I love him and want to be with him with or without kids.

Good grief, no. He's my partner, not a sperm donor whose purpose is to furnish me with a child.

If someone asked me to have a fertility test prior to marrying them I'd run for the hills without even saying goodbye and I'd expect any man to do the same.

Totally agree with this 😂

Got to agree with most of the replies so far. A lot can happen in life and marriage/love is about weathering any storm together. Fertility tests can be useful but they are far from the whole picture. If my husband and I had had fertility tests before marriage, our results would have indicated that there would be absolutely no problems. As it turned out, our first baby was only conceived due to intrauterine insemination and our second and third due to IVF. We both had problems which weren't easily diagnosed. On top of that, our first two babies sadly passed away soon after birth. Another thing that could never have been foreseen.

Life throws the most unexpected and awful challenges at us. You should find someone who will stick by you no matter what. If it's conditional on fertility tests then it's not meant to be.

I wish I had, my exh knew I wanted to start TTC immediately as I was 38 and he was 40. Several invasive tests for me later it turned out his sperm were drunk and swam in circles. They were not viable so would need doner sperm. Turns out he knew this and it was why his first wife and he divorced . I now have no kids as spent a decade with him. He refused point blank and we divorced.

Most people discuss having children before marrying. You haven't said she'd flat out reject him, if he were infertile, without looking at any other options. If she knows she wants kids soon no matter what and he's OK with that and he wants the same, then going in informed doesn't seem like a bad idea to me.

No, I married for love. I have dc but Dh never had his own. While we have loved a dc together it never happened. It doesn’t make me love him any less.

I think the wish to have children differs so much between individuals. For some it is a deal breaker. I think it's ok to admit to having hard lines that would make you break off a relationship and if this was one for your friend then at least she was upfront about it.

Where I'm from there is a certain genetic abnormality that is common. Many people are carriers (my niece is) and it's a terrible idea for two people who are carriers to have children. Most people are tested before they marry and it's not uncommon for relationships to be called off if both partners are carriers.

Better to be upfront about it imo than to invest time and emotion in a relationship that is unlikely to lead where you want it to go.

I couldn't imagine asking my DH to do this, but if your friend's fiance was anti-fertility treatment for instance and your friend knew she really wanted DC then I can see how it could come about.

It's really important to discuss life aspirations, finances, marriage, children prior to marriage. So many people don't. I've seen some lovely couples end up divorced because they just thought love would overcome any differences. The cold, hard truth is that infertility has ended many marriages. You could say that your friend is being pragmatic and reducing the chances of her marriage failing. So, in a way, she's doing the fiance a favour. Imagine putting years into a relationship and having an expensive wedding, only to see it all go to shit over infertility.

If I couldn't have children, then I would be distraught. It isn't something I would end my relationship over though. If I was that desperate, then I would do the tests too.

A lot of these replies are ridiculous. Obviously having children is IMPORTANT to OPs friend, which is why she’s raised the issue before heading to the altar.

OP, I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. When I was in my early 20’s I met a man that I really got on with. He came from a family of commercially successful winemakers and life would have been made for me, If I could have just accepted that, if I were to be with him, I wouldn’t have children of my own, as he was infertile.

sorry, I really liked him and all, but guess what? I wanted children.

Eventually I met a man who was able to give me that.

This man (infertile one) had been previously married, by the way, and at the time, his wife was on the fence about children. … they divorced because she realized that she wanted children of her own and he couldn’t give them to her. So all this to say, don’t repeat Stacie’s mistake if you know you want to be a mother/father.

no way. we had kids because we loved each other. if either of us couldn't have children it wouldn't change how we feel about each other.