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Original poster

To ask for a sperm test before marriage

148 replies

julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:15

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

OP posts:
Georgeandzippyzoo · 18/09/2023 16:20

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 18/09/2023 14:25

Absolutely not, we're a team and would deal with it together. I think if you truly love someone you wouldn't leave them because of something that is out their control

Exactly this 💗

KimberleyClark · 18/09/2023 16:21

Both my DH and I had issues which together added up to a big issue. It’s possible we both could have had children with more fertile partners, but we didn’t want to. We wanted to be together more than we wanted children.

Ghastisflabbered · 18/09/2023 16:40

I can see why it would also kick off a discussion about how much you want kids as well though.

You can both agree how far you are willing to go based on the medical information you have.

I’d rather know before marriage if my partner was onboard with IVF or adoption or surrogacy if needed than be in a position where one partner desperately wants a child but the other is shutting down potential avenues to achieve that.

And I appreciate all sorts of things can happen but if children are non-negotiable in their life then fertility testing for you and your life partner just seems sensible.

WolfFoxHare · 18/09/2023 16:43

No. I love my husband, not his baby-making potential. Bloody good job he feels the same as I have secondary infertility so despite both of us wanting (and assuming we’d have) at least two children, we can’t have any more. I’m very glad he hasn’t left me.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2023 16:53

Was she clear she'd leave him if HER fertility was sub par?
I think if you do this, it should be done much earlier. Not after possibly cohabiting, buying a house, getting engaged, planning a life. Then what, before you put the deposit down you just want to check his sperm works?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2023 16:56

saythatagaintome · 18/09/2023 16:17

A lot of these replies are ridiculous. Obviously having children is IMPORTANT to OPs friend, which is why she’s raised the issue before heading to the altar.

OP, I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. When I was in my early 20’s I met a man that I really got on with. He came from a family of commercially successful winemakers and life would have been made for me, If I could have just accepted that, if I were to be with him, I wouldn’t have children of my own, as he was infertile.

sorry, I really liked him and all, but guess what? I wanted children.

Eventually I met a man who was able to give me that.

This man (infertile one) had been previously married, by the way, and at the time, his wife was on the fence about children. … they divorced because she realized that she wanted children of her own and he couldn’t give them to her. So all this to say, don’t repeat Stacie’s mistake if you know you want to be a mother/father.

Edited

Presumably he was up front tho so you could make that call. DH and I had the baby conversation very very early on because it was non negotiable for him to TRY and for him to be open to doing whatever it took. So if he'd had been infertile it probably wouldn't have progressed unless he was v clear he was up for options.

But this woman has done this ONCE they've built a life together. And I think every one would be horrified if a man did this

GodspeedJune · 18/09/2023 17:00

Well I’m the infertile one and I’m lucky to have a partner who stood by me during diagnosis and subsequent treatment ending in our IVF baby.

LizzieW1969 · 18/09/2023 17:09

TwistofFate · 18/09/2023 16:00

I suppose it depends if having children is more important than the marriage, which is the case for some people.

I'd say it is a bit unreasonable because you might be like me and my DH who had all the tests and were eventually diagnosed with unexplained infertility because all the tests came back clear and normal.

^This definitely. In our case, initially tests found nothing wrong with either my DH or me. But then I never conceived. Then, after 4 years of TTC, 2 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle, it turned out that I had no eggs, and had virtually no prospects of having a baby naturally. (We adopted eventually and now have 2 DDs of 14 and 11.)

ActDottie · 18/09/2023 17:16

Absolutely not I’d rather be with my husband and childless or with adopted children than not with him at all.

LizzysDrippings · 18/09/2023 17:23

I knew before DH proposed that he was infertile. I just assumed we would adopt, use donor sperm or remain childless.
As it happened, ICSI was developed so that became an option, but we had been married a couple of years before we even knew about this possibility.

LemonQuiche · 18/09/2023 17:27

Why stop at sperm? Why not do a full medical? A but like when someone is signing for a football. Nothing says romance like a compulsory medical examination.

Puffinsandcreeks · 18/09/2023 17:31

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm?

No, but I'd consider leaving somebody that asked me to do a fertility test before marriage.

I'm the one in our relationship with fertility issues and my DH has stuck by me through thick and thin. In sickness and in health, and all that. The thought of being asked to do a fertility test before marriage has actually made me feel a bit queasy.

MsFrost · 18/09/2023 17:32

Speaking as someone who has been through 3 years of male factor fertility issues with my DH (and still struggling to conceive)... No, I would never have asked him to do a fertility test before marrying him.

I married him because I loved him and saw the rest of my life with him by my side. We are in it together, and all marriages have challenges. This is one of ours, and it is what it is. We both desperately want children and it is a sad part of our journey together that we are struggling so much.

But I would have never asked this of him, and would have married him anyway even if I had known. Although it causes me a lot of pain, it would not have made a difference to me wanting to marry him.

I suppose some people are more practical about what they want and that's OK... but personally I would find it far too intense if someone demanded this of me before committing to marriage.

Puffinsandcreeks · 18/09/2023 17:33

Out of curiosity how has her DP reacted to this request? I can't even believe somebody would ask this.

MNetcurtains · 18/09/2023 17:34

If I was her DH to be, I would run a mile. What a fucking nightmare she'd be!

itscurtainsnow · 18/09/2023 17:36

This is bizarre, imagine if it were the other way round - it’s basically saying you mainly want them father children? DH and I thought we might have fertility issues (turns out we don’t) and our thoughts turned to what we would do with our lives instead of bringing up babies, because ultimately we want to be with each other.

WhisperingHi · 18/09/2023 17:36

I wouldn't leave him IF he was open to other methods of parenting (IVF, adoption etc).

If he was infertile and didn't want to pursue other options, I'd leave.

I love him, but I couldn't live my life without children.

Franticbutterfly · 18/09/2023 17:36

Honestly. I probably would. Being a mother via my own pregnancy was extremely important to me. We have also had this discussion/joked about it, and he knows that this would have been the case. Sounds awful written down (and is not an issue as we have 3 DC).

KinderCat · 18/09/2023 17:38

TwistofFate · 18/09/2023 16:00

I suppose it depends if having children is more important than the marriage, which is the case for some people.

I'd say it is a bit unreasonable because you might be like me and my DH who had all the tests and were eventually diagnosed with unexplained infertility because all the tests came back clear and normal.

This is exactly what happened to us so would not have been useful at all to do these tests. On paper we were ideal to have children and not a thing could be spotted wrong. 7 years of TTC and 3 failed IVF, including with ICSI suggested otherwise...

We did discuss quite openly if we wanted children prior to becoming a serious relationship and I don't regret not doing tests to find out our fertility prior to marriage.

Ricewhispies · 18/09/2023 17:40

I think it's wise if children are super important to her to be honest.

I personally wouldn't insist on this because for me children are never something I've been a million percent in on, if I knew I definitely wanted them then yes I can see the logic. One of my friends is married to a man who it turns out is infertile. Not his fault of course, but she has to choose between whether she wants a biological child of her own or whether she is content staying childfree forever- if she'd have known before spending 10 years with him she'd have been able to make the decision a lot sooner. As it goes even the well i really love them there can be unconscious resentment that builds that isn't always something you can get over.

Worddance · 18/09/2023 17:41

Marriage is very much a practical arrangement as well as a love match. If this is how she feels and he accepts it, probably better to do it this way than get dumped down the line.

Rewis · 18/09/2023 17:53

I wouldn't do it. But to me children are not a deal breaker. Ny priority is to marry the right person for me. But if someone considers marriage the be means to have kids and that is a priority then I can understand it. As long as it is discussed early and the partner can bow out early in the relationship. It would be a bit shit to mention this for the first time a week before the wedding.

I'm kmagining going on a few dates and the person you're on a date with says that they are infertile. I wouldn't blame anyone if they stopped dating. So I'm not sure if this is massively differnet.

Original poster
julia8148 · 18/09/2023 19:20

To clarify a few points that people have asked
a) yes she desperately wanted children as long as I've known her (since school), it's all she's ever talked about
b) she told us she wouldn't be with him if he was infertile but would be with him if fertility is slightly low but not zero (for example sperm count slightly on the low side but possible to conceive)
c) her DP did the tests, I don't know what his results were but based on (b) and the fact they're still together I am guessing he is fertile
d) he told her he wouldn't leave her if she was infertile
e) she told us that all of her tests ie on the female side came back fine

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 21:08

I have a friend who did this without her partners knowledge with a sperm count test from Amazon with Sperm that she scooped out from inside herself 😩

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 21:10

I think even if you both 'pass' all the checks it's not a guarantee of chikdren. I think more
Important is the question of what would we do if... I'd expect to use a sperm donor but if my imaginary husband said no it's my kids or you don't have any then I'd be very upset so best to have that conversation first