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Original poster

To ask for a sperm test before marriage

148 replies

julia8148 · 18/09/2023 14:15

A friend of mine asked her DH-to-be to do a sperm test before marrying him (she also did a full fertility check before marrying him, so that it's equal but he didn't insist on it), which got me thinking. I can't say that lots of people know about it, so it wasn't like she told the world about it, but our group of 4 closest friends do, one of them was completely outraged.

Would you consider leaving your DP if you knew he was infertile or had poor sperm? Would you get him to do a sperm test before marriage?

OP posts:
redribbon1 · 19/09/2023 02:17

Maybe it would be worth reminding your partner your marriage Is for love not just for children. Would she get test to show she can get pregnant. Your a partnership not a baby factory. It would be worth reminding her a sperm test is simply a snapshot of time and fertility changes daily. I would be wondering why your being asked. I've never heard of it before so seems very odd. Good luck.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 19/09/2023 02:40

We married very young. We discussed the what if I became unexpectedly pregnant (was on contraception) discussed that we both wanted kids 'some day'. But, the thought that either of us could be infertile or that we'd have Aby issues didn't cross our minds. Those are problems other couples have. Apparently not.

We were married 11yrs before we had our opsie daisy baby. We ttc for years after, had multiple losses, many, many tests. We were diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. We stopped trying and next you know we're having dc2.

If we would have tested everything would have come back normal/favourable. Sometimes, there's just certain things you can't test 100% for.

VesperLynne · 19/09/2023 03:13

Owjrbvr · 18/09/2023 14:39

I wouldn’t marry someone who wanted proof I was fertile before marriage; if someone asked for that I’d consider it a lucky escape to know what they’re like before marriage

Me too. I would end it there and then.

HoppingPavlova · 19/09/2023 03:13

So, if tests had of come back indicating she had fertility issues, she would have been totally fine with him dumping her quick smart? Think not.

If I was him I would have run way past the hills, and not glanced back.

Puffinsandcreeks · 19/09/2023 03:35

she told us that all of her tests ie on the female side came back fine

I hope she knows things can change! A year after being married I started go experience gynae issues and was diagnosed with my first condition. We started trying later that year and it took a little over 12 months. When we started trying for our second, we had a loss and it took a long time to conceive again. I had developed another issue in that time which contributed to secondary infertility. All issues were on my side. The secondary issue was not present just after we got married as I was tested for it then.
Luckily DH loves me for me despite my ever worsening gynaelogical health. It was all fine when we got married. How will she respond if that happens to her?

Mothership4two · 19/09/2023 03:46

she told us she wouldn't be with him if he was infertile

Is he aware of this? And what would happen if, God forbid, he had a condition that made him infertile, would she divorce him? She sounds lovely

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 19/09/2023 03:56

I think it's stupid because 20% of infertility is from no known cause.

I know of one couple who took 9:years of trying to conceive because of this

Funkyblues101 · 19/09/2023 04:02

Kind of thing the Royal Family would do. It makes sense for them.

Mothership4two · 19/09/2023 04:06

@fortheloveofjamdoughnuts

I think it's stupid because 20% of infertility is from no known cause.

DS1 was a honeymoon baby which was a shock and DS2 took 3 years for me to get pregnant and had just started to have my fertility investigaged

user1477391263 · 19/09/2023 04:29

I think it's OK as long as he is fine with it and as long as she would be fine at receiving the same request.

Brightandshining · 19/09/2023 04:38

How romantic!
Lmao. Of course I wouldn't. Never in a million years Reminds me of medieval times when they used to check the girls virginity before marriage.

WandaWonder · 19/09/2023 04:38

So has this friend gifted the BF with her results?

PeloMom · 19/09/2023 04:50

We did fertility testing (both) as well as DNA testing (included about 150+ conditions we could have been potentially carriers for). I think it’s part of the due diligence if having kids is very important to you. During dating you vet the person on a lot of criteria, values, etc. so this is a no brainer to me as we now have the technology.

lizzy8230 · 19/09/2023 07:49

@MoonShinesBright
I wouldn’t marry anyone that insisted my fertility was tested beforehand, I’d feel like the only reason they wanted to be with me was for reproductive reasons.

100%

dikwad · 19/09/2023 08:00

As a woman with a husband who at his first sperm count had 7 (as in the number 7 not 7 million) visible sperm in the sample resulting in a shit tonne of ICSI at our expense, I can honestly say no, in hindsight I wouldn't ask. Love is love and so if you're willing to give the heave-ho to the person you're supposed to love then, we'll, you don't love them! My husbands horrendous sperm count is as a result from a botched operation on his undescended testicles as a 3 year old. Would knowing that in advance made me love him less or not want to carry on the relationship? Not at all and I pity the woman who doesn't love enough to get past it.

TupperJen · 19/09/2023 08:05

The only thing I would like to add is whilst testing either party's fertility prior to marriage sits very uncomfortably with me, the only things I could say in its favour is it prompts a general infertility discussion.
We struggled to fall pregnant and it was only then we had discussions about what was acceptable to us in terms of having a family - and it turned out we had very different views. We'd discussed children, work-life balance etc, but infertility wasn't something we'd addressed. In the end we did fall pregnant naturally, but I think if I had known his views on infertility it would have caused me to rethink the relationship before we married and whether I was prepared to accept no children/family if it turned out we couldn't conceive naturally.

HohiyiKozbevi · 19/09/2023 08:30

Frodedendron · 18/09/2023 14:31

When you get married you commit to finding a way through the difficult stuff over a lifetime together. Any number of unforeseen things could happen to this couple. She could have multiple miscarriages. She could get cancer. So could he. Financial troubles. Sexual problems. All couples face shit at some point or another. If all it takes for her to decide she doesn't want him is a low sperm count, I'd forget it. That's nothing! (Okay, I know it's a bit more serious than that, but really).

Can you imagine the reaction on here if a man left his fiancee because she'd had a couple of miscarriages and he wasn't confident she could carry a baby any more?

Edited

This.

If him being infertile would nake you not want to marry him, don't marry him.

CampsieGlamper · 19/09/2023 08:38

Is he a husband or a prize bull?
Are they getting married or commercially breeding?

In the name of the wee man.....

RandomButtons · 19/09/2023 08:52

Owjrbvr · 18/09/2023 14:39

I wouldn’t marry someone who wanted proof I was fertile before marriage; if someone asked for that I’d consider it a lucky escape to know what they’re like before marriage

Snap.

All a bit handmaidens tale.

RandomButtons · 19/09/2023 08:52

CampsieGlamper · 19/09/2023 08:38

Is he a husband or a prize bull?
Are they getting married or commercially breeding?

In the name of the wee man.....

😂

You win the internet today

lizzy8230 · 19/09/2023 09:15

All a bit handmaidens tale.

Isn't it just

Ricewhispies · 19/09/2023 09:43

PeloMom · 19/09/2023 04:50

We did fertility testing (both) as well as DNA testing (included about 150+ conditions we could have been potentially carriers for). I think it’s part of the due diligence if having kids is very important to you. During dating you vet the person on a lot of criteria, values, etc. so this is a no brainer to me as we now have the technology.

I agree. Children were never the be all and end all for me so I wouldn't have asked let alone wanted to test, but for people (men and women) who really really want children then I can't see why you wouldn't consider it.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 19/09/2023 09:50

I wanted kids way more than a man, but low or no sperm wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me. It would never have occured to me to even ask, though we were young when we met so maybe time brings a different point of view. The deal breaker for me would be if one or both of us had turned out to be infertile and he wasn't willing to try fertility treatment or to adopt. Having biological children was never the biggest point.

KimberleyClark · 19/09/2023 09:54

If you (general you) want children so badly that you view a partner as a means to that end, it might be better all round if you seek to have children by means which don’t require a partner - sperm donation or adoption as a single parent.

Tinklyheadtilt · 19/09/2023 10:00

Op, your friend sounds unhinged. You marry someone for better or worse, not the quality of their sperm ffs.