AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

It s fine
She can choose her lifestyle at 18 go to agri cultural college etc
She can get involved with a city farm as volunteer

Do you have any city farms locally, we have this one in Leicester www.gorsehillcityfarm.org.uk/home/

They regularly ask for volunteers and have loads of low cost activities. You could look for things like Boarding Kennels and Catteries or Rescue Centres that need people to help look after the animals at the weekends.

Or we have an outdoor pursuits centre that again look for volunteers a lot, especially in school holidays lopc.co.uk/

It might not be living on a farm and breaking horses but it could be possible to add in more activities she's interested in at low cost, she's getting to an age where she'll be eligible to take on volunteer positions on weekends and holidays.

That's her dream. So she gets her education and gets a job that fits in with that dream, might be working on a farm, outdoor pursuits instructor etc

I grew up in the Lake District but I was a city girl. It happens and plenty of time for her to seek out her dream herself. You can't fill her whole life. Just be kind and caring and she will do the rest.

Yep - we have a small city farm and visit when possible- she's done the goat herding etc to help them move the animals from field to field. She volunteers at the stables we book her into for rides, however we aren't sure how feasible this is now she's at secondary, as its weeknights and she has homework etc.

I don't think we can do much more, we tailor as much as we can to the interests she has, but fuck me parent guilt is real isn't it? I know how fulfilling her life would be if we happened to be farmers

Knowing our luck we would get a child who wants to live in new York City

Honestly, this is a bit ridiculous and an “only child” luxury to me. What about if you’d had more than one child, they wouldn’t all like the same things!

Is there a stables near by she can help at?
Could she join scouts and get to do trips with them?

I can understand why you feel guilty but honestly don’t think you should. She will get lots of positives from the life you do have, such as experience of large city, living in a diverse place etc. These are things you don’t get if you live in the countryside (well not where I am anyway).

Help he access what she likes as much as possible but don’t be hard on yourself because you happen to have live in a city. That’s life.

My Dd was like this when she was young - obsessed with the countryside (which we don’t live in) and wanted to be a farmer.

Now she’s a teenager she’s really glad to live in the city as it affords her so many more opportunities.

I’m sure she’s taking lots of positive experiences from her life as it is so don’t worry.

My DD’s dream is to grow up and buy a house with stairs. Apparently our bungalow is depriving her of that dream 😂

She isn't an only child. Dc2 is so laid back he is almost horizontal, and will embrace the fields round our tent on camping trips and absoloutley loves the buzz of our local park full of kids kicking a ball around etc. His holiday request is London - so next summer we will do that, and have a few days in the capital and dc1 will be fine. Not her preference but she'll enjoy it.

The thread isn't about giving everything to a child - it's simply acknowledging that my child would "fit" better in a world we don't live in.

What an odd thing to feel guilt about. You are working hard to provide a home and essentials. If she is still interested in horses,‘outdoors etc she can pursue it when she’s older as a career or hobby.

I was the opposite, a born city girl who grew up in rural/suburban Kent. So when I grew up I moved to London. But I would never have expected my countryside loving parents to move there for me!

I feel bad that I give myself the life I want.

I want chickens and a massive garden for the cats I have neither.

I know it's daft, and I'm not wringing my hands 24/7 at it - more just curious to see if others had similar. Eg farm/countryside lifestyle and a child who craves urban bustling life etc.

Agree with pp and also bear in mind that kids can and do change. From age 4-12 I was a dance, theatre, jazz hands type kid and my parents moved heaven and earth to be able to afford all sorts of lessons, costumes, stage school etc for me. Then I hit 13 and decided I wanted to give it all up because gossiping with my friends on MSN messenger and chasing round after boys was a more fun way to spend the weekends. Now as an adult, beyond the fact that I can do a slightly better than average job on the dance floor at a wedding, there is zero trace of my supposed early calling in life. I’ve never done adult dance classes, didn’t join dance or theatre society at university, don’t do any am dram etc. Imagine if you upped sticks and moved to the country only for her to lose interest and start moaning about how she can never get into town to see her friends 😬

This is silly.

Me and my brother grew up in the countryside - I adored it, and he found it boring and was always desperate to move to London (where he's now lived most of his life).

This does feel like an only child luxury as other pp have said - if you'd have several children you wouldn't be able to give every one their dream childhood home, because they'd all prefer different things.

I wouldn’t get worked up about this. Most children grow up in families that have differing interests to them. Think sport kids born to non sporty families or musical kids where no one plays an instruments. M You do what you can to develop a child’s individual interests (sounds like you’ve done a great job of this already) and you watch with excitement as they become adults and make the lifestyle that suits them.

I know what you mean OP- DD1 is exactly the same, with the added complication she's autistic, so it's also one of her special interests and she obsesses over it. She's even more aggrieved that I had that childhood myself and she's denied it. She wants a dog so much.

The autism also means that she finds some elements of city life a bit much I think, she basically just craves quiet. So I feel worse about that because she would feel less overwhelmed somewhere rural. She will happily hike for miles.

Unfortunately for her the other 3 people in the house quite like living in London (and make good use of it) so it's a bit tough, although we have at times flirted with the idea of moving, like PPs have said- she might hate it in a few years (she's only 9). And we would definitely hate it and we know that because we both grew up proper rural. We do the holidays on farms, and field studies council etc, and I pack her off to my mum's sometimes as well. She also gets to ride a bit even though it's a massive PITA and very expensive. I'm not sure what else you can do. My mum made a big effort to make sure we saw a lot of cities so I suppose this is the reverse. But her soul is the countryside

Have you ever watched Clarkson's Farm?
Agriculture is crying out for workers and there are lots of programs to get young people into farming, Your daughter can even go to Farming uni like Harper Adams which while it requires farm work experience runs a program called Access to Agriculture.

https://www.countryside-jobs.com/
https://www.countrysidejobslink.co.uk/
https://www.ucas.com/explore/subjects/agriculture-and-related-sciences
https://www.harper-adams.ac.uk/apply/how-to-apply/access-to-agriculture.cfm

DH is from the countryside, father worked fixing farm machinery and SIL is now at Harper Adams. She's gone on lots of placements, hard work but gets paid a decent amount, fed and housed for a very low cost on site.

DH on the other hand can't stand any of that stuff, escaped ASAP and never looked back. I'm more of an urban girl myself.

I'm not surprised everyone says 'vets' as you live in an Urban area many people are ill-informed about the farming world but there are many jobs! You can be an arable or or livestock farmer, workers are multi-skilled and a lot of peoiple make more money by contracting like Kaleb Cooper in Clarkson's farm. It's a profession for those who live and breathre animals and the open air like your daughter with her attitude not being from a farming background won't hold her back.

Lots of farming women on MN as well who will be happy to advise I'm sure!

I'm bemused by posters saying this is silly. Why?!

It's really common for people to struggle to get into 'trade' type jobs if they don't already have the lifestyle. It is hard to become a farmer or similar, if you didn't grow up in a farming family. Naturally you want to give your child the experiences she might need. The idiotic posts about this potentially being 'a career or a hobby' suggest that some posters don't realise that non-academic careers might still be rigorous and competitive.

Ok, she doesn't want to be a vet, and I wouldn't blame her. Has she looked at courses at Circencester and Harper Adams to see if there's something there that she fancies? Or could she get some work experience? Stables near me are inundated with kids her age - because of course they like the horses - but it is worth a try. Thinking laterally (and this is my area so I am self-interested), would she consider something like working in a plant nursery? It's all outside; you gain good practical knowledge and lots of transferable skills so far as machinery goes, and they will often take on people for Saturday jobs.

For a cheap holiday you could look into WWOOF, it's an organisation where you work a few hours a day on an organic farm, in exchange for food and a place to stay (some places or a room, others camping). They are all over the world. Some welcome families. It's just random people who own farms, so i'd be take care with younger kids from a safeguarding point of view, but I've been to several as a solo woman traveler and had very positive experiences.

Some harsh replies but I do agree with the sentiment. She sounds like an exceptionally lucky kid to me. She has parents who provide well for her including holidays, who support her interests and encourage her to be who she wants to be.

I have a daughter who's fairly similar. I dislike dogs and I know nothing about horses so we'll never own either. I feel zero guilt. Like you I do my utmost to indulge and support her interests. I don't actually believe she'd be living a blissful life on a farm with a stable full of ponies. She'd probably be moaning about having to muck out!

Thanks to the posters who mentioned Harper Adams, that's super useful to know about.

I agree @SarahAndQuack. My school had its own farm! All my farming friends were helping out on each others' farms as teenagers and as far as I can tell still do now. Farming is handed down- my childhood best friend now runs her family's arable farm. 'Breaking in' to a rural community to get work is incredibly hard. I'm going to try and steer dd in the ecology direction but I suspect she'd love to be lambing!

Are you willing to change your life to move rurally maybe ? We moved from the city into rural Scotland , not for the same reason but similar , my oldest loved the outdoors and as he is autistic I really wanted to be able to help him as much as possible . It took a while to get used too but we all love it now , we have the eva j and the mountains and services are better . We live in the middle of a farm so your daughter would be on cloud 9 .

Leaving aside the extremely rose tinted view of the “ranch in Montana”, roaming around with unbroken horses and a pack of dogs type lifestyle….

Honestly most people can’t have or afford their “dream” or “perfect” life for a whole multitude of reasons and I don’t think you have anything to feel remotely guilty about. Compared to the vast majority of children both globally and across the span of history she’s living a great life - happy home, parents who are doing their best to give her experiences, free health care, free education…. All that stands her in good stead to pursue her dreams as an adult if that’s still what she wants to do.