AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

Ironically, now I am thinking of moving somewhere smaller to raise kids... and spend my weekends leaving London to be in the great outdoors.

I loved the great outdoors growing up, I didn't live out in the sticks though we were walking distance to lovely green spaces. I was in the cubs and scouts, we were away camping and doing outdoors things most weekends, kayaking, abseiling etc etc. My family were also outdoor types we went camping both in this country and abroad, we were always outdoors. Just because you don't live in the countryside with lots of money doesn't mean you can't enjoy the outdoors. We were fairly poor, the beauty of outdoorsy activities is they come very cheap. Yes horse riding is a rich person's hobby, but there's plenty of other outdoors activities you can do on the cheap. My friend had a horse when i was growing up, I used to go with her when she was looking after it. It stank, was muddy, wet and freezing in winter. I think the horse reality isn't what you imagine!

I wouldn't worry I'm an outdoor person, I love beaches and countryside and a slower pace of life but was brought up in the city rat race.

I just looked forward to moving to the countryside and did just that.
My son hated the countryside and moved back to the city.
We're all different but I wouldn't say my childhood wasn't good it just taught me that it wasn't for me.

Once she is grown up she can live the life she wants. Right now, you get to choose.

I work at Scotlands Rural College (SRUC) we have lots of students who come from urban backgrounds but love the countryside and all that it has to offer. We do Higher Education stuff but also plenty of Further Education courses like countryside management (can lead to work as a ranger, wildlife conservation etc) agriculture, gamekeeping, horticulture all sorts. Definitely all sorts of avenues open to your child.

Yes, I have the opposite with my 10 yr old.

We live on a 15 acre smallholding/nature reserve in the middle of nowhere, which suits us and his teenage sister down to the ground.

He hates mud and the outdoors and dreams of living in a city, on a street where the houses/flats have numbers - where we live it's 'house name', 'village', we don't even have a street name!!

I hope he will seize the opportunity when he is 18 and I don't expect he will stay local as an adult.

One of DDs was horse mad - I could happily live my entire life and never see another horse.

We found a woman in a nearby forest who ran very cheap pony holidays - basically children went and stayed with her, helped her with her ponies, shovelled shit etc. and then they got to ride out in the forest. DD loved it, and regarded the lady herself as a "proper mother" (I quote DD) because she went to bed in jodhpurs and bra!!

I always wanted to live in a village in the countryside, right from being about 5 years old. My parents lived in very urban Manchester which I absolutely hated. I used to read The Family from One End Street and feel.a lot of empathy!

I moved to London at 21 for work but lived in a very villagey area on the edge of a common so I could pretend I lived in a real village!

I guess even as a child I always felt that it was up to me to achieve the lifestyle I wanted. I finally moved to the real countryside at the age of 53

OP can you say roughly where you live so that we can perhaps help with more local information?

She has parents who love, respect and value her - you’re doing great OP!

It is, in itself, a great gift to grow up KNOWING the kind of lifestyle that you want and would make you happy. So many of us do not, and find it takes several wrong roads in adulthood to figure it out.

It is an even greater gift to have parents who support and help you explore how you might make that liestyle come true when you are an adult.

Your daughter is already blessed with both.

Hi OP if it helps, I grew up in the city but am a seaside country girl at heart. I've always been this way. One day I will get there but it's my dream, and my DH's as it happens. Don't feel guilty. At least you try to let your daughter get a glimpse when you can. Make sure that all your DC are interested in these farmstay holidays though.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz There is one thing you can do to help her fulfil her ambition, and that's help her with the cost of learning to drive. You can't live in the countryside and rely on public transport.

Absoloutley. Both dc will be funded at 17 for driving lessons, til they pass. It was a non negotiable for me as a teen from my folks and I'll be doing the same with mine.

I know the cost of then running a car is prohibitive, but the skill will be there and we will try and work it so we can afford for them to drive when they pass.

I grew up in the countryside and wanted to be in the city. After living and working in various cities as an adult now I am back in the countryside. What you want changes with the journey that is life. Although I got annoyed with country life as a teenager I never resented my parents for it.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, it sounds like a lifestyle most people don’t have. What’s important is she knows who she is and what she wants, so that she can plan for that life when she’s old enough. Having a dream and working towards something is great motivation.

I grew up on a farm and its exactly what I wanted, so I'm incredibly lucky as I've always loved animals, faming and just generally being outside. I'm one of 6 and only 2 of us are still in ag! They rest are either in cities or still studying, when she's a bit older and depending on her interests she could get a weekend job milking or calf rearing, mucking out stables or even lambing in spring half term!
If she's interested in faming then the best thing to do is join YFC, in fact I'd recommend she joins this anyway for all countryside activities and they do really good days out etc! And she can then find contacts within the industry, you don't have to actually be a young farmer to join!

I always wanted to live in the country when I was a kid, but we couldn't. But honestly, I was genuinely happy and now that I actually live in the country, I appreciate it so much more. You're giving her as much as you can - and she can build her life to suit when she's older.

I have two who are just diametrically opposite of each other. My daughter is similar to yours, but I swear my son must be allergic to fresh air and won't even step on grass. There's no way I could find a lifestyle that suits them both.

It sounds like you're giving varying experiences which is really good and she sounds like she finds joy in whatever she's doing, I'd focus on that. Are there stables near you she can join a pony club if it's not too expensive?

Having said that once you get into horses forget having any money! I didn't grow up around horses but did grow up rurally which I loved. I now have stables, horses and work with rescues. She'll find her niche, you just have to support her in her dreaming not always give her the experience she can find that for herself when she's older. You sound like a lovely mum 😊

Haven’t RTFT but you can join young farmers from age 10 and you don’t have to be a farmers offspring anymore. Look up the nearest group to you. DD may want to go with a friend but if you could get her to some farm visits, socials etc she may be able to start to mix with agri people and could get some introductions and farm related experience at weekends. Things have changed a bit over the years though, there isn’t so much manual labour with barrow, brush and shovel required as there was 20 years ago as a lot is mechanised but perhaps worth looking into. Otherwise apart from the city farm etc she may have to wait until she can drive/ leave home to follow her dreams. It’s hard but she can find her way. A lot of farmers kids can’t wait to do the opposite- escape the isolation, lack of being able to leave the farm apart from going to school, 365 nature of the lifestyle tying you to the farm and always having to help out, there is a lot of financial hardship out there too, so it can be quite a depressing existence.

This. In spades. I had a half and half life, growing up between rural Ireland and South London. I loved the adrenalin of living in a city, the novelty of having so much to do but I hated the lack of greenery, the pollution, the press of people. Work kept me tied to a city but years ago myself and DH made the decision to head to the country as I was horsey and so were the kids and we wanted them to have the lifestyle and keep our animals at home. What didn't help me is that my parents kept telling me all my life I would hate the countryside, because they did, and kept putting obstacles in my way. I think they feared me being different from them and moving away. You are not doing that to your child and you are letting her explore her passions. But you also have to be the responsible adult and worry about work and bills and how to pay for the roof over her head! I really cannot see how you can do much more. Relax, if she truly wants this, she will find a path to it. I strongly suggest you look at SRUC courses, there are many careers that will let her live in the countryside and help her fun her dream. Forestry is a growing area, for instance. I also dreamed of big skies but for me, it was Africa!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond to this. I'll take down notes of the suggestions re colleges and courses etc, as I'm not knowledgeable about that, then it's to hand when we chat about her life.

The career I have that I didn’t know existed as a teenager is a Rural Surveyor. I’ve worked for the National Trust managing their land and properties in the Lake District and South West. It’s a wonderful job that is much better paid than other rural jobs like rangers. Out all day visiting different properties, inspecting land, planning regeneration projects on some of the most recognisable places in the country - all with my dog in tow!

I was the same at her age OP. I wanted a pony, and a german shepherd and it was a big no no.
It was fine!
Now, 32 years later, I absolutely love living in a big city, I have a dog (not a german shepherd at all, thank god) I could maybe afford a horse but I'm not interested anymore, not since I turned 14 and have discovered music, skateboard, boyfriends and art. I was happy living in a big city at this time!