AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

My cousins daughter was born with cystic fibrosis so her future was very uncertain. She loved the countryside and horses from a very young age so when she was about your daughters age they sold up their house in London and moved to Norfolk. They are not well-off by any means but their very modest house in the city bought a bungalow with enough land to keep a horse. It was a huge adjustment for everyone but was the best thing they ever did. Their daughter thrived and loved the life they managed to give her. I know it’s not feasible for everyone but could be a dream to work towards

Well they say happiness isn't getting what you want but wanting what you have. You may not be able to give her her dream environment, but you can make sure she wrings every possible drop of benefit and joy from the one she's in. Personally I'd worry less about giving her a tantalising glimpse of what she believes to be perfection, and more on helping her see the advantage of where she is right now. Her time to move to the country will come. Meanwhile there's so much to enjoy about her current location, and in her life time she can get to enjoy both worlds.

That's easy enough actually. Your son stays in and she goes out. You'd have a much bigger problem if your son liked going out.. but in the buzz of the city, instead of the countryside!

That aside there are loads of places which offer a bit of both. Where I live now (with fields behind my house) it's a 20 min train to Manchester to party, and a similar journey to further countryside /start of the Peak district. Similarly, relatives live in a village near the town of Morpeth, 20 mins train to Newcastle, an hour to Edinburgh. Their home is in a converted barn and there are fields as far as the eye can see, not much else around.

While I'm more of an urban girl I never quite reached the heights of 'spontaneous coffee 10 mins walk' like my mates who live in the city centre. When I go out I spend a good few hours so a 30 min journey is fine.

DH also detests fresh air and his dream would be a massive house with space for a VR room, cinema room... he doesn't mind it being rural. He hasn't quite thought through the practicalities, like the inability to pop to the shops for a pint of milk unless you happen to be near a small shop/dairy farm. People as disorganised as we are would never survive in full-on rural areas.

OP, you sound lovely and it's great you're helping your daughter think about the opportunities that will exist for her to facilitate what she wants.

FWIW, I loved horses as a kid and would have loved to grow up on a farm. I think I'd quite likely have ended up a farmer if I had grown up in that sort of environment, but my parents very strongly pushed the academic route for me. Now I work remotely in tech, from my house in a village, with woods at the end of my road and my horse kept nearby.

There are lots of remote jobs these days so it's entirely possible your DD will be able to live on a small patch of land with whatever animals she desires and do a multitude of jobs. There are also environmental / animal vet research type jobs that also involve being outside some/lots of the time if that is something she'd be interested in.

Many people grow up feeling like square pegs (I did), but you don't have to give her her absolute dream lifestyle. As long as you're bringing her up to be confident, assertive, courteous and hard-working (and I'm sure you are), she will make her own way in her own circles.

I get this. I live in zone 3 in London and I feel sure my autistic DD would be so much less stressed living somewhere rural. But, I have a good, well paid career in Zone 1 and she is in a fantastic school fairly near to where we live. It isn’t practical to uproot us at this point. I do envision a life in later years now though, where we live somewhere tranquil and she makes a living doing something arty away from the hustle and bustle.

My children want loads of these (many of which their friends have) that we have no possibility of giving them. It’s good for them to have aspirations and at 18 they can seek out ways of fulfilling them.

Don't let homework prevent her from.doing anything that she wants to do. She will nmanage both no problem if she wants to do it. Long term aim for agricultural college? Opportunities here tend to be extremely diverse. Animals, horticulture, golf course maintenance to name but a few.. Be glad she has a direction, even at this stage.

Oh bless you. I remember once we got a v expensive holiday cottage with a thatched roof on the coast with a sea view. My youngest daughter in all innocence was swept away by the romance of it wondered why we didn't live somewhere like that.

When she grew up, she said she was going to be a painter and live in a seaside cottage.

I encouraged her without any trace of cynicism. There is no way we would ever afford that but who's to say she won't? Its all to play for. By the time life pans out those dreams may be long gone. Or she may find a way of making them work.

There's no harm in exploring what's important to you. 😊

Do you have a Woodcraft Folk group near you? They are an amazing group - my son is now a District Fellow and he has had so many opportunities to try things that I could never do with him

I am your girl grown up! Except my parents didn't acknowledge it. I have everything I've ever wanted now but I still remember how I wasn't allowed to have it when I was little. I would search out lost dogs, birds that had fallen out of nests anything to do with looking after animals. You are trying that's all she needs.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

It's not your job to provide that lifestyle for her. It's your job to empower her to create that lifestyle for herself. You're doing this by showing her love and strength and compassion. By taking the time to understand her and appreciate her for who she is. Make sure you tell her, maybe have an honest conversation and ask her about the kind of life she'd like. Make plans with her to make sure she can make that life possible. That's the best sort of mum and the best parenting a kiddo could ever ask for.

I grew up in a small town with a normal family, money was never enough, my parents have no degree and my mum always struggled to find decent fairly paid jobs. We never took a flight and many summers no holidays as there was no money. I wanted to become a CEO, live in a buzzy life in a big city, travel, buy expensive things. My parents lifestyle did not fit me but it was not a problem, I had an happy childhood overall. I studied super hard, graduated top of the class, got a phd e started networking with wealthy kids to understand their life style. It was so much fun to see how others lived. I thought myself skiing to go on skiing holidays and I would work two jobs to pay for them. Now I have a great job, with a 6 figure salary, live in London, have a nice big house in a nice area with a lot of designer and antique furniture, used to have lot of expensive clothes but got a bit bored, my kids go to private schools and they travel, ski trips, loads of activities. Do they like it? Sometimes when we go back to my hometown they say they would love to live there! Well, they can! Once they are adult they can choose the lifestyle they want, hopefully!

My 6 y/o granddaughter (who lives with me) loves the outdoors and all things active. I actually can't remember the last time she watched TV. We live in a very built up area too, although we're lucky to have parks very close to us.

If I could afford to, I'd send her to forest school, where I'm sure she would absolutely thrive. She has adhd so focus on maths and English is difficult while she can manage practical and especially outdoors activities much more easily.

There are so many things I'd love for her to be able to do, but can't afford to pay for them. No point feeling guilty about it. I put my energies into thinking of things I can afford, which will suit her personality and which she will enjoy - so swimming, long walks, camping, making camps in the woods, visits to the city farm etc. Also worth thinking about enrolling in cubs/scouts etc

Yea I’ve got one one who would be suited to living on a ranch with ponies around her. Desperate for a dog also. And another one who would live in the 1940s if she could. But out in the country where there are no people nearby. We live on an old terrace in a suburban area. Lol. We do our best. They are polar opposites and when you as neurodiversities into the equations neither are very tolerant of taking part in the other one’s hobbies. We muddle along. One has a list as long as their arm if things they want and the other never asks for anything.

I was that child! The opposite in likes, but the same situation I guess.

My family (parents and now grown up siblings) all have horses and dogs and cats and hens and their houses smell of damp animals and the pets sleep on their beds 🙈 They all live in the middle of no where.

I hate it! I moved out the second I could and rarely go back. They all get on well, but it is not me at all. I like going to the ballet, the opera, having my nails done... They all hate that.

I think it's different though to me as you are trying (ie farm holidays) weathas I was sent riding regardless.

But there is so much you can do for free that she might like, and a pet doesn't have to mean a dog. Cats are pretty low maintenance?

Dreaming of a country life isn’t the same as living one. There are plenty of downsides - working on a farm usually means massively long hours and little to no holiday, heartbreak when you have disease outbreaks and bad years. Horses are HUGELY expensive and time consuming to care for. Her friends wouldn’t be local and you’d have to drive all the time etc. Do what you can to indulge her passions and put her in a position where she can choose that life if she wants it. It’s pretty rare that kids long for exactly the life they are living.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I was that kid. Tbh I still am, that's still the dream. But you're doing everything right for her.

I don't know where you live but there are options for things like that, that aren't being a vet. Askham Bryan (round York way) is a great school for animal / agricultural based education.

Also look at whether there's an RDA Unicorn Centre near you (Riding for the Disabled Association). They take volunteers on weekends, and usually the volunteers get to do the odd ride as exercise for some of the lesser used horses. When she hits a certain age (can't remember what it is, 14 or 16 maybe?) there's some schemes they can do where volunteering counts towards their academic stuff.

Aside from that, has she thought about the Wildlife Trusts, or some kind of conservation based future? Once my DC is at a point where I don't need to pay for her (will that be ever??) I'm contemplating retraining in that so that I can spend the rest of my days outside, with the birds and the otters.

Oh, the other thing that's totally fab is the Field Studies Council. They have some brilliant opportunities for young people, a lot of it heavily subsidised. I think it's mostly 16+ but we did one of their family holidays as well and I swear DD had one of the best weeks of her life.

https://www.field-studies-council.org/courses-and-experiences/experiences-for-young-people/

Not sure where you are but there are agricultural colleges she can aim for. Askham Bryan is the closest one to where I live and it we hear really good feed back on itZ

My dream as a child was to live in a warm house!

I achieved this early on in working life by working hard at school, being frugal at Uni and buying a house!

It is good that she had got something to aim for. Don't worry too much.

This

my youngest is horse mental, we live rural, but in an ex-council house…it’s what we could afford here, we are lucky to have a friend who lets her spend time and ride cheaply. But most of her pals in our village own farms/land and some their own horses etc…my eldest is also heavily into another ‘countryside pursuit’ so I now feel the odd pinch of why can we not provide that (land/stables/giant home), I try to remember how well we have done compared to our upbringing. If your doing your best which it sounds like you are, drop the guilt, provide her the opportunities you can towards her dream x my point is I guess, is that no matter how much we manage to provide, there’s always MORE….and with this type of thing, it gets really really expensive and unattainable for most.

I'm an equestrian who grew up in town. But i am absolutely your DD!! I was not meant to be a townie!!

My mum had horses as a child but had to give up when she had children (super sad!) my older brothers hated horses. There is a 10 year age gap between me and them and in that time she had started riding again but didnt have her own. i was riding before i could walk on borrowed ponies. I was VERY lucky. Both my parents worked full time but my dad hated us having them.

I grew up with people telling me i should be a vet, but the same as your DD, i didnt want to! I wanted to work with horses and live on a farm with dogs and sheep too. At 16 i went off to Agri college. at 18 i worked for an eventer. From about 15 - 21 i also worked for myself, fixing other peoples horses. i loved life outside

However, i soon realised even though i was an outdoorsy person, that kid of work did not pay enough for me to have my own once parents stopped paying.... So i moved in to the world of office work.

As an adult, i still live in a town because of cost, but all i do is sleep there, i'm always outside!!