AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

well unless DD works really hard at school and actually manages to get a place at vet college (bearing in mind that there is a very high drop out rate on vets courses) then she is going to be poorer than you. it is known that this generation of kids are going to be the first ones who are poorer than their parents!!!!!

I always wanted a pony. Instead I read the Jill has a pony books!

Don't feel guilt, life is too short for that! But do help her research what options there are for college/university so she can plan her life to be what she dreams of.

She doesn't want to be a vet though.

Rural life is not all it's cracked up to be, especially if you're on a low or average income.

I grew up in the countryside and fuck me it's depressing in winter with the dark, dark days closing in. I still feel the claustrophobia now when I visit my parents and it's pitch black by 4 with nowhere to go and no one to see.

I'm not sure there are that many opportunities for outdoor activities either, compared to reasonable size cities. We live in an urban area and have a city farm, three commons filled with den-building spots, a popular paddling river and two excellent adventure playgrounds within fifteen minutes of us.

You’re doing your best and that’s what matters. She can carve the life she wants herself.

I know exactly how you feel OP - we have a really similar situation here with our dd (14). We live in a town/home exactly as you describe purely because it's what we can afford, but it doesn't suit DD's personality at all. She desperate to move to Cornwall, dislikes the town we live in and is desperate for a dog (we can't afford one). Finances have been so tight we haven't had a pet for 10 years, though DD desperately loves animals - but we are hoping to get some rats soon, so I'm hoping that will make a difference. I feel guilty every day for not being able to give her the life that suits who she is. On the other hand she definitely understands the value of money - I'm hoping she won't make the same mistakes as I did.

I don't think you're being silly, OP. I can understand where you're coming from.

I haven't experienced it myself (yet). We live in suburbia so can be rural / city centre quite quickly, so haven't experienced that exact situation, but I can understand it. Your DD does sound like she is suited to a more rural lifestyle.

But you can't stress about it. Just give her the tools and the knowledge to make her way in life, that's all you can do.

I feel massive mum guilt about all kinds of things, I'd love to give them more in life than I do, but ultimately all any of us can do is our best.

This is a tad ridiculous we all have lives we wish could be a bit better in one way or another and that’s just what it is life and we as parents always do our best

What a misinformed post! There's a very low dropout rate on vet courses. Unfortunately however vets are not particularly well paid.

Has she considered being a farm or horse vet? Outside all the time, part of the rural community, farm vets nowadays do a lot of preventive care so it's not even treating sick animals that much. It's a way into the country lifestyle and meeting farmers to marry. Tongue in cheek, but the advantage is that you can do it anywhere especially in rural locations whereas many other jobs require you to be in a city or specific location...

I think you’re worrying too much OP.

You sound like cracking parents, and the fact you live in the city now means she’s experienced diversity in her life and will love the country all the more should she choose it

There’s a lot of £££ in equestrian veterinary.. just saying

Are you on the sauce?

Adult gen Zs and millennials and younger Gen Xs are already poorer than their parents.. on average. It doesn’t mean they ALL are.

You’ve described my daughter too OP!

My children would have been better suited growing up in a different time period. they low medieval stuff knights and castles ect.

i remember as a 6 year old my middle son crying when he realised that being a ‘bower’ (archer) in the army wasn’t a job anymore cause that’s all he wanted to be.

Have you looked for your closest Young Farmers Club? They are for anyone age 10-28 (although some clubs raise the lower age limit).

Huge range of activities and meetings including some agriculture, but also sports, visits, talks, competitions etc. It's a fantastic and very welcoming organisation. Google NFYFC to find your local club, the new YFC year is just about to start and they often have a new members night.

As a smart, science minded student who liked animals, I also had a lot of ‘so you want to be a vet then?’ when I was growing up. Like your daughter I absolutely knew that I didn’t want to be a vet, that I’d really struggle with aspects of the job like pts, even when in the animal’s best interest.

I also grew up in a city and was deeply disappointed that when we moved while I was in junior school it was just slightly further out to suburbia and not to ‘proper’ countryside. My parents didn’t want a dog and couldn’t afford a pony, though I did years of hanging around a local yard, working for rides and later cash. I’ve steadily moved more and more rural, and now am living the dream on a small holding with dogs, cats, chickens and best of all my horses 😊So, sometimes we just need to wait till we’re adults and can make it happen ourselves.

As well as the agricultural colleges, if your daughter maintains this interest she also may want to look at some of the equestrian colleges like Bishop Burton and Hartpury, there are a vast number of careers related to equestrianism beyond jockey, professional rider, trainer or groom, which I suspect are much less insular than agriculture. Farrier, EDT (equine dental technician), equine (or canine) physiotherapist, saddle fitter, equine nutritionist etc etc are all skilled and generally reasonably remunerated roles.

She has a good life already, with a caring family, and you have clearly supported her interests. When she grows up, she can choose what will suit her.

One of mine was a very active child who loved outdoor play, cycling, swimming etc. Very interested in animals, searched for minibeasts in the garden etc.

She's now early 20s, hates going for walks, isn't active at all other than when she walks to work. Has been to a swimming pool about twice in the past 5 years outside of holidays. Still likes pets but screams at the sight of a spider. And has barely entered our back garden for years ( seriously). She loves gaming and gigs.

Don't make assumptions!

Yep, I know what you mean. I have two very different DC. One is very adventure, up for anything, anywhere (city breaks, climbing walls, hiking etc) and one who will barely leave the house. We went away with my brother and his family and he took the adventurous one out every day on all sorts of activities we can't do, and it did make me feel sad. But at least they have glimpses of what they like to do and not having it handed to them will hopefully mean they get out there and make opportunities to get what they want. That's what I hope!

I grew up in the country - not a very pretty part of the country either. To this day I have no idea why my parents chose to live there (teachers dso could have lived and worked anywhere). I found it free and happy, roaming fields and woods, as a 3-8yo; then I gradually realised that we were miles from anywhere and lived in an under-resourced area with nothing to offer. I hated that I lived miles and miles from my schoolfriends, and never really got close to them (we didn't even live in the small town, no a tiny village). First chance I got I moved a long way away to a big city.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz you are giving your child a life that is good; they can choose to change it when they are an adult. It sounds like a good life (better than my parents chose - what were they thinking? sadly I cannot ask) and if it doesn't fit what would delight your DD, that's not really anyone's fault.

We live in your daughters ideal! We are surrounded by fields and farms, have acres of green space around us. And guess what my kids want? Yep, to live in a city.
they loved it when they were younger but as teenagers, all they see are the restrictions (no taxis, no public transport, no neighbours so no friends nearby, no takeaways that deliver, no Uber eats etc etc). They would dearly love us to move. The thing is, where we live is MY dream. I grew up in a city and hated it and gradually moved more and more rural. I love where we live now, it feeds my soul to see the nature, hear owls and woodpeckers, be surrounded by green spaces. So I totally get the guilt thing because I feel like mine are 'disadvantaged' because I want to live where I want!

I think there is sometimes an element of the grass being greener- perhaps the reason she is so interested and absorbed by country life is precisely because she doesn’t live in the country.
many children in the country dream of the big city and bright lights- or the chain restaurants, public transport and opportunities.
You are letting her explore that world- you sound like a lovely parent- she can make her own decisions when she’s older.

We raised our two in the country. DS1 was a city boy from the get go. Luckily there's a good sized city near enough to get to by freeway. He was always looking for reasons we 'needed' to go into the city and once he was 16 and had his license and a car he was off every chance he got. He now lives in that city and WFH for a company in a major big city.

Your DD will find her way if she wants to live in the country. There are so many jobs being done remotely now that she may be able to have the best of both worlds; live in the country but make city wages.

Has she read James Herriot?

Also here to suggest joining young farmers.

Don't feel guilty. Just do what you can to facilitate her interests. Mine used to do holiday courses at stables and we'd take them out to rural areas and give them lots of outdoor experiences. Your child might be interested in a completely different path when they get older. I saw my job as giving my kids a diversity of experiences, so they could learn all about different options for their lives. There will be pros and cons to every way of living.

1. I agree with one the previous posters - the grass is always greener! Sometimes I wish that I were living a "McLeod's Daughter's" life, and sometimes I am kind of happy that I don't live that kind of life.
2. Very soon, in 5 or 6 years time (or something like that), your daughter can start training for a job at a stable/barn/farm, and the life she is dreaming of can be soon be in her reach! There are a lot of different agricultural education options, are there not? And before that, perhaps she can do work experience on a farm?
3. If she does not want to work on a farm: Like a previous poster wrote, she can start thinking about jobs where she can work remotely. That way she can live in the countryside and have pets, but still work with something else.
4. Good Luck!