AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

OP, my Dsd has been similar, including desperate for a dog which would not fit our lifestyle.
She has just finished at agricultural college and is now doing days at a kennels.
You can only do what you can do, the rest will come to her in time.

I raised two kids in a rural market town both of whom hated it and yearned for the city.Now grown up one has moved to London and the other is at uni down south. I’m still glad that I brought them up here somewhere where it’s relatively safe to
walk around at night and where children can play out safely.

It must be hard when you feel you can’t give your kids the life they need. But if it wasn’t this issue it would be something else.

And kids change.

I felt a bit bad that we didn’t flee London when our friends did after having kids. No rivers and fields for my children. But now no regrets as they loved their busy teen years in London. Independent due to fab public transport and so much to do. No hanging round street corners; they loved London life. I had to force then to go to universities elsewhere!

There are pros and cons to every kind of life. Don’t waste it with guilt.

Is she your eldest? I mean she’s 12. Surely you know she may choose something different as she grows up. It all sounds a bit school girl fantasy to me.

This is a really sweet post, OP, and it's lovely how much you care that your daughter can have her dream. That really came through in your post.

I think like all children, she just needs encouragement to work hard, good, positive input from the adults around her and guidance in the right direction, and she will be able to get the life she wants as an adult.

It's OK that you can't provide that right now - most children have dreams to do something/ be somewhere else when they grow up. Hers is very specific and it's great that she already knows what she wants - much better than struggling to find herself. She can have a clear goal to aim for, which is the first step to achieving it.

I grew up in the kind of life your daughter craves. When I was15/16 I was desperate to live in the city and spend my nights going to comedy and music gigs. I went up to London every opportunity I got. I moved to London as soon as I could and never looked back.

My parents could have no more.provided that lifestyle for me than move to the moon, but I didn't resent them, I just made it happen for myzelf.

It's more than likely she will grow out of this. If she doesn't she can work towards making her adult life fit her dream. Lots of agricultural colleges around.

When I was 12 I wanted to be a show jumper. By 14 i would have laughed at that idea. I've seen the same in my own children.

No need for guilt, you've given her lots of experiences to fit how she currently feels.

Seriously? Every child will want exactly what they don’t have. I really wouldn’t worry about it. She probably got into all of this because it’s not her norm and a bit of an escape. If she wants this life, she will find a way. It also involves just having a lot of money 😂 tell her if she earns a certain income she can buy a farm and live with horses

Take her along to Young Farmers! It’s a wonderful club that will give her opportunities to learn practical, hands on advice. When she’s a bit older stay on farms around the world.

I also work in agriculture but am from a city, have no agricultural background. I went to a specialist agricultural university (there are two, the Royal Agricultural University and Harper Adams University) and not having an agricultural background wasn’t an issue. They do summer programmes for teens sometimes too so worth looking at also!

Ha! My kids have been brought up in a gorgeous village on the south coast with the beach at the end of road (a much much nicer environment than the one I was bought up in). My eldest was desperate for the city life so chose a city uni. One year in and he's done with city life, 'too many people'. Agreed son, that's why we live in this village. He misses the sea so much.

Don't worry about providing for her passions, those passions are her driving force. Encourage her to study and get into agricultural college. It will be much more rewarding for her to provide it for herself.

How about some work experience at a stables?

This.

Disagree. If you have more than 1 child you still try to find ways that both/all of the can do things that meet their interests and aspirations.

Get her take a look at Plumpton College. They take them from 14 years old. They also provide housing if it's too far. They have all sorts of equine and agricultural courses she can consider. Maybe a thought for the future.

I was born in London and am. a country girl at heart. luckily my grandparents lived in a tiny village in the back of the beyond and i spent nearly every holiday there. From very early age i was around farms and horses. you and your dd have an idealised view of rural life you say your dd doesn't want to be a vet as she doesn't want to put animals down then farming is not the way for her. Farms are businesses and when am animal is not contributing financially e.g. producing enough milk its 'put down' this is farm life. Small pet owners may spend a huge amount treating their animals for farmers its a cost benefit analysis; if the cost of treating an animal exceeds its value to the farm then its destroyed its as simple as that. Livestock farming isn't about skipping through the daisies with your dogs it a hard graft 24/7 365 days a year often for poor financial return.
And as for horses thats another hard slog (and breaking horses is a real skill) probably worse than farming unless you have money to buy yourself a good horse(s), preferably a sponsor and a hell of a lot of luck, for most working in the horse world their chances of making a good career/success are minimal the reality for those who choose to work with horses is terrible pay, appalling work conditions with very little career prospects.
Im not saying don't encourage your DD I volunteered at riding stables from an early age and I was lucky has access to horses through the farms I worked on but you need to encourage her to see how real life farming works not her romantic view. I choose neither as a career in the end but my chosen career meant I earned enough money to enable myself to own horses.

What she has access to now won't be detrimental to her in the future especially as it seems really inherent within her. Ellen McArthur grew up not near the sea and neither parent sailed...and look how she has spent her life. Your daughter will be able to act on her preferences when she is older and just continue providing any opportunities you can in the meantime. When she gets older 'workaway' or 'woofing' might be of interest to her as its helping at rural properties in return for board, many young people do it to travel but it could help her decide what aspects of rural life appeal.

So I Know she’s young, and says she doesn’t want to be a vet, but is that because she’s only seen one kind of vet?

As there are small and big animal vets, or ones specific to horses. It’s not just putting animals down. My friend is a vet who has moved into research and teaching (think cutting edge surgery and treatments).

It’s like as a kid I didn’t want to be a doctor, as I’d only really seen GPs and thought that was boring. Turns out that I would have loved some of the specialist roles, but I didn’t know they were a thing!

Plenty of time in her own adult life to go and get that dream though.
what if you had another child who liked city life? My DD is the total reverse of yours she’s 13 but doesn’t like animals , finds them borning. Camping would be a literal nightmare as she can’t stand the outdoors, walks or nature. Screams at every bug.
She likes the city, new builds, she’s into performing arts so loves being in London with the shows and adores shopping. She needs to be somewhere buzzing where all the action is happening - wants to be performing in every show. Her dream is to be in a west end show or dance troupe.
So if you had a child like that as a second child (and many people have two children totally opposite) then you wouldn’t be able to give both what they wanted anyway?
We earn well as a family and are well off but even we wouldn’t be able to afford a horse paddock and farm? I mean that’s quite a specific lifestyle- would involve moving a fair distance into the countryside?
The only thing I guess you could do is upsticks and move everyone to a cheaper more remote part of the UK and buy a house with land? Depends on your jobs though - pretty unobtainable for many even if high earners.

You are doing fine! I was always interested in art and music and history but grew in a tiny village. My parents NEVER did ANYTHING at all that I might have been interested in. The big city was less than an hour away, we had a car - but no visits to museums, art galleries, concerts, etc. Nothing, nada.

First thing did at 18 was to leave for university - funded almost entirely by me - and never looked back. I got the life of culture I wanted under my own steam...

Well when she leaves school she can go and work on a farm, go to agricultural college, whatever!

Loads of young farmers these days - she may marry one and work a farm with him or her!

The world is her oyster.

Regarding wanting a dog - have you tried Borrow My Doggy as an option for her/you as a family to be able to at least walk a dog occasionally?

She can plan to go to agricultural college, plenty of outside based courses there.

All sorts of post 16, degree and short courses. Could really build her interests over time.
https://www.askham-bryan.ac.uk/

And again some volunteering ( national trust, wildlife projects, gardening groups) Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.

Agree with pps that it isn’t a tragedy to have a childhood that doesn’t align with all your dreams. I grew up in the suburbs of a big city and my best friend went on to agricultural college and then living on a remote island. Her whole lifestyle is based around the outdoors and traditional crafts. She didn’t get to do much of that as a child - although she always took up any opportunity to do anything outdoorsy - but she wasn’t unhappy. I remember we had a lot of fun as children and teenagers. It’s just that now she’s doing exactly what suits her.

I hear you.You sound lovely and a caring Mum to your DC.However many girls would love this and its not feasible for many really.This sort of idyllic life is a pipe dream for most of us.You sound like you are doing well already ,working hard to provide a home/experiences for her ,in tune to her needs. just keep on doing all you can trips to the country ,camping and so on .Maybe she has a friend with a dog ? Could take him out maybe