AIBU to feel guilty that our lifestyle doesn't match my child's personality and preferences?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Fairly low income family, not poor poor but income = basic costs plus a smidge to save for holidays in the UK. We live in a built up area, homes stacked on top of each other, positives:- cheap and diverse and central, negatives:- little to no open spaces, no garden, too built up for childhood dream freedom. Dh and I both work ft and tbh this is what we can afford, and is fairly similar to how we ourselves grew up, with a smidge of "we've done slightly better than generations before us"

Somehow, we've birthed a child who is, in all honesty, a farm girl from the Railway Children / Spirit and her horse Lucky / ranch hand mould.

Literally would ideally spend her days breaking horses the riding them through the surface, shearing sheep and roaming the lands with her pack of alsatians. 12 years into parenting her, scraping the funds together for the odd riding lesson and tailoring our holidays to her personality (farm stays and the like).

She's happy, we spend time outdoors as much as we can, camp a bit, plenty walks, etc. We can't get a dog, as our lifestyle isn't fair on a doggy, yet I know it's something she would absoloutley love to have.

I know we can't give our dcs everything they ask for. But she doesn't ask. I can just see who she is, and how our world isn't what her perfect life is.

We talk a bit about her growing up and the kind of future she envisages for herself, and how she could tailor her future career to enable a life spent at home with animals and fields around her. Everyone she knows suggests she becomes a vet which she gets frustrated at. She wants land and pets. Not putting down sick animals and what not.

I know we can't magic up a farm lifestyle, or suddenly be able to afford to ditch it all and move to a ranch in Montana or whatever; but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we've got a child who would just suit a totally different lifestyle to the one we have.

Anyone else feel the same?

As a vet, it's refreshing to hear of a 12 year old that doesn't just equate a fondness for animals with being a vet. She wants fresh air, fields, big skies and being a vet (as it sounds like she already knows) is not that. Maybe farm vetting at a push but probably not even that these days.

Young farmers would be a good thing to meet like minded souls. She needs to be a little older for things like helping at lambing time or milking cows but those things are great fun. It sounds like agricultural college might be worth looking into if she remains interested. Locally to me there is a farm that has taken on two young women as farm hands and they look like they are having a ball!

Are you able to shuttle her after school/at weekends to activities?
If you can, then I suggest find your nearest Young Farmers Club where she can meet children of farmers and people with similar very outdoorsy interests, and can learn countryside stuff - random but useful stuff such as sheep judging comes in handy when you buy your own flock, there are almost 600 branches so hopefully you can find one within reasonable distance. Ours is mostly Friday nights/weekends, so hopefully yours will be the same.
https://www.nfyfc.org.uk/
For a relatively cheep weekend outing and get tractor action plus other farming related activities, there are plenty of ploughing matches going on at this time of year hopefully not too much of a trek to your nearest
https://www.ploughmen.co.uk/uk-matches
For horsey fix, try Pony Club unmounted via a local branch - you don't need a pony, but you can learn all about horses, horse care and gain loads of badges.
www.pcuk.org
For dogs, perhaps ask about locally if there are any neighbours with a small well behaved dog she can walk upon return from school.

I was going to suggest a move until
i seen you have a second child, I think you juggle it all well and it’s only a few more years untill she can go off and do all the things she loves . You have a good balance and I think you should let her do it through the week , living is as important as homework. It’s life experience and keeps your Dd happy. You can get dogs from adoption centre and walk them at weekends too. I’d let her continue as she is for as long as she likes . In 2 years it may be all lipstick and fashion you just never knows.

A friend had a daughter who was obsessed with horse. Our families are on the edge of an urban area. They were comfortably off so they could spend money on riding lessons. They even bought a horse.

The daughter was not very happy at school and after GCSEs the plan was for her to go to some specialist college that would prepare her for working in stables with horses.

The daughter hated it. The other young women were from 'country' backgrounds and did not accept her as one of the gang. She also realised that despite not having thrived at school, that she had a more enquiring mind than they did.

She is now at sixth form college in her home city studying - quite happily - for A-levels. Once she was given what she wanted, she realised that the reality was rather different from her dreams.

I was that child. I grew up in a council house. My parents were not in poverty, my dad was a factory manager and my mum didn't work. They could have bought a house but always worried about debt.They had savings. We had nice holidays in England. I didn't want for things but we certainly weren't wealthy.

What you need to do is give her all the tools she needs to have a better life than you socio-economically, if that's what she wants.

It is harder than ever for children from less wealthy backgrounds to do better than their parents and to have choices and chances in life.

Education, confidence, self-esteem, security, cultural capital, the right values re:work, ambition, self-belief are what she needs. She doesn't have to be a vet. She can have a career where she earns enough money to live in the country, have a nice house, dogs, a horse if that's what she wants.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/sep/07/social-mobility-uk-worst-50-years-report-finds?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Worth a read, there's some decent links in it too. Tory Britain.

That's very hard. At least you care.

We live in central London. My younger daughter is just like this. My husband is from the countryside and our girl was never happier than when staying with my lovely (now sadly gone) mother in law. Roaming the fields and visiting my husband’s best friend’s farm, feeding lambs and hanging out with the pack of dogs and his horse and chicken owning daughters. She was born like a tiny member of the WI, and I do agree with her that she would fit better in the countryside, but she understands she has a good life here too. My older daughter, though also woods loving, would have been restricted by the reduced options and lack of diversity of a rural life. Like you we do camping and countryside holidays and help her research options for a rural life when she’s older. Most of all I encourage her believe a this life completely possible if she wants it. So far the ubiquitous farm vet is top (animal affinity, academic and very good at needlework ), but environmental land management is also an option, and the other suggestions on here have been helpful too.

Your girl is definitely not the only country mouse somehow born in the city. I think that we are supportive, acknowledge it and provide opportunities to see a rural life is possible for them if that’s what they want is whats important.

I was your DD, OP 😁. I do now live a very rural life unlike my siblings. I don't hold it against my parents, it was just how life was. But I always craved the green open space and wildness outside of cities.

However I think this is quite rare. Much more common to see youngsters hate the quiet isolated existence in the sticks and crave urban living.

Get her to join the Young Farmers, the biggest dating agency in the UK. Married to a farmer she'd have land and animals. Wouldn't recommend it as the reality doesn't match the dream.

You're just wanting the best for her. Your constant visits
are great for her to "dip her toes" into the lifestyle: who knows
how she'll change? Or maybe she'll end up studying horticulture/agriculture!

Your daughter has a loving family who care about her interests and want to help her have a good life. Both your children sound great.

Nothing to feel guilty about, OP. You're doing a wonderful job and your children are lucky to have you.

It's normal for a 12 year old to want to have a different life from the one they live in surely?

I think you are doing a lot for her as it is.
It's not realistic to up sticks and move to Montana, as you point out.
But when she is older she can decide on what she wants to do for work and where she lives etc.

I was brought up in a village on the outskirts of a big city. We went out into the countryside every weekend. All I wanted to do was roam the moors.
The school was very pushy about academics and studying and having a great career and so on and so forth. So I felt like that's what I had to do.
But it all went pear-shaped when I was in my early 20s because I was trying to live a life that wasn't for me - cooped up inside, in a city, working, going home, being knackered.
It took me until my early 30s to up sticks and move to the Alps. I'm self-employed and earn enough to be able to take good chunks of time off to just roam about mountains for weeks on end.

Just make sure she understands that non-academic options are also viable (especially if she's in a pushy school and she's bright) but also that she needs to make sure she can provide for herself and be financially independent and stable.

OP if it's any comfort i have 4 DDs and we live in the countryside. Eldest DD was as you describe, spending hours and hours after school and at weekends working in the local stables up the road riding and breaking horses and after leaving school went to one of the best agricultural collages in the country and enrolled on the basic stages of vet training. Up to her knees in muck learning to milk cows and inject rabbits ...

... 15 years on she's managing the local GP surgery 🙄😂

I get what you're saying, and my DD was lucky to dabble in it and loved her time doing it. But they change and change again through their teens and 20s. If your DD is determined to do it she'll do it ...

Just concentrate on a good education.

Most children don't grow up in the countryside.

One way or another, the guilt will get you. I only have one, small farm, and two children who want to be farmers. I also tie myself in knots worrying about the lack of opportunities for my kids, how one will find a partner (he is gay and this is hardly the centre of inclusion and tolerance!) and a whole host of other things.

Since you have more than one child, you will never be able to provide exactly what they both/all want (and I have my doubts that it's possible with one!). All you can do is help her to find the best way to work towards the lifestyle she wants.

But I grew up with her ideal and whilst I miss aspects of it, I really wasn't suited to the work and all the issues that go with having lots of animals...my family couldn't provide the academic environment that would have suited me down to the ground. I managed, you find your own way in life.

There are lots of careers in agriculture/land. There's a college in Gwynedd that specialises in courses for 16/17 yo land-based stuff, so I'm sure there are other colleges like that in the UK and loads of people go do stuff on the land.

Equine studies courses, jockey courses, groom courses, green keeping, lots of interesting things out there.

I was your daughter, our circumstances sound fairly similar to yours and I was an outlier. I never resented my parents and it was pretty much my only motivation to work and study hard and try to get a job that would allow me have that kind of lifestyle. I don't work outside or with animals, but I do have a job that earns enough that I can have them and is flexible enough that I can make time for them.

Honesty OP i could have written your post 20 years ago.

Mine grew up, and moved to the countryside at the first opportunity.

I am proud

My sister was that child. I was not. I read books and didn't like the outdoors.

As adults, we are the complete opposite. I live in a farm, have the animals and the land and so on. Need to live outside.

She's a total city girl. She still loves horses and so on, but much prefers the urban social life to the realities of living in the countryside.

People change. Keep giving her as much access as you can, and she'll find her own way, if it's still what she wants in the future.

YABU to feel guilty. Sounds like you are an involved parent doing your best to encourage your daughter. There are very few people who have exactly the life they want to give their kids.

If DD still wants to pursue this as an adult she can do(antlets face it her interests may change.

I mean this kindly, but I think you may be idealising rural life a little. Rural life has its difficulties. I live in a remote rural area and almost all the kids leave here at 18 and are keen to do so.

YABU to stress about this. We all try to do our best for our children within our means. And looks like you are doing that.,

I feel your pain. We live in a grotty built up part in the outskirts of a city. My ASD daughter longs to be in the countryside. She is very aware how noisy and dirty where we live is. It’s really hard, I would love to move to but can’t afford it. Living in poor neighbourhoods has a negative impact on your mental health.

I grew up rurally (moved from the city c. age 10) and hated it. Loved aspects (animals, for example) but couldn't wait to leave. Now my parents are divorced and my youngest brother, who wants to become a farmer when he grows up, will likely have to move into the city. You can't please everyone, you're just doing your best. I wouldn't wish my teenage years on anyone and my parents are not even remotely apologetic - because in their view, they were doing their best.