To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

Agreed. She is lucky to have you. Well done you.

Bloodyhell, that’s a bit strong. And it definitely is different from seeing a child beaten in the street. The OP is doing her bit.

I think that’s because people don’t usually let children go to environments to hang out on their own where adults go to drink. THAT is odd.

But I agree on the parenting of the other Mum

Agreed.

Be careful OP that she doesn't lead your daughter ashtray, a chaotic home life with drugs n alcohol is bound to cause a rebellion àt some point and if you can't stand up to this child your daughter won't be able to either!! By allowing her to use your shampoo and take your daughters clothes you're subconsciously telling your daughter that the friend is allowed to help herself to your daughters things! Tell her if she uses your shampoo again or takes your daughters clothes she won't be allowed back, and tell your daughter the same! She is still a child but not for long....she sounds like her mother....a taker!! You are not social services it's sad but you cannot be responsible for her mother's selfish behaviour. By not addressing the issue with the mother or the child you're handing them the upper hand and allowing those two to take you and your daughters belongins. This sets a bad example to your own daughter that she should let people take advantage of her. Explain to your daughter that if she wants friend to stay she has to bring lunch money as you cannot be used just so daughter can be happy. The girl sounds like a potential bad influence and you cannot afford to let that happen. Once your daughter goes off the rails it's hard to put them back on.... hindsight is 20/20.

They make a good point tho!! It's absolutely right and if OP is tolerating behaviour from this girl that she wouldn't tolerate from her own child then she puts this child on a pedestal....

I would put some boundaries in place. Don’t worry about the mum, you can’t control that. But you can sit the girls down and say you can’t take my daughter’s clothes and you can’t use my shampoo. Take a minute to list any other rules you want to establish. I would say we all love having you here, but this isn’t a hotel. If she doesn’t respect the boundaries send her home.

It’s fantastic that you care about this child, but you need to remember this behaviour will probably get worse over time.

I would also limit how often she can visit, maybe stop any Friday nights so she can’t stay the entire weekend.

Find your daughter a hobby that doesn’t include the friend. One that it is unlikely the friend would be able to join. Give your daughter the opportunity to meet other kids and have a life outside this girl. When they get older you might like a little separation.

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie ♥️ this so sensible

So many heartless people who clearly born with a silver spoon in their mouths. The lack of compassion blows my mind.

What about OPs daughter? While OP is busy 'rescuing' someone else's DD, her own is stuck with a friend that is taking advantage of her generosity. And OP's DD has clearly also learned from OP to be a bit of a pushover - who is looking out for her?
I was OPs daughter. I had a 'friend' like that, who was basically living at ours and was helped a lot by our family. Yes there are several people here on this thread who describe similar situations and how eternally grateful they are - but this is not always the case, not all people can be changed by supportive environment and good examples.

I just wish someone would have considered me (and OPs daugther) and if this is indeed a good friendship that should be encouraged. That girl should not come above OPs own daughter's needs.

I think there are a lot of people who assume that if the OP 'reports' the mum life will get better for the kid. That isn't necessarily the case at all. By all means talk to the school but don't assume that anything will happen or, frankly, that if something does happen it will improve the child's life.

Low-key and non committal support could make the world of difference for this kid and really is all you can do. Expect the friendship to change and make sure you're always on your DD's side of any dispute. I wouldn't like being called her second mum and would be v clear on the posh shampoo issue. I would also avoid explaining when I didn't want her around (eg 'time to go home now' and take her). Regular check ins with your DD about how she's feeling. Otherwise let her muck in with you with a low emotional demand from either of you.

I wouldn't waste my time telling the mum why she's out of order. You don't know the full picture - just accept there's some reason why she can't give her DD what you would.

Wow! I think you are very kind and generous.
A few things I’ve picked up on reading all your updates:

1. open your daughter an account so any money you transfer is into her account.
2. Sit down and have a ‘family’ meeting! Tell young girl that she cannot use your things and if she requires special shampoo she brings her own from home…
3. She can borrow your daughters things while in the house but has to take off clothes before leaving, also make her a list of things that she must return to you daughter!
4. explain to her that you love having her there and she’s always welcome BUT she has to respect your property and belongings… ie not taking clothes/shoes and beauty products as you simply can’t afford to replace these…. Tell her if she’s short of clean clothes to bring some round and you’ll happily give them a wash!

You are amazing for doing this!! As she gets older I can see her choosing to live with you full time… so prepare yourself for that too! Poor kid

I also have no idea where others live to be so concerned about a Serbian pizza in a pub garden….. where we live pubs aren’t rowdy places full of drunks, they’re more like little family restaurants and I’d be happy to drop my 12 year old and a friend off to most of our locals for a portion of chips and a cola.

An afternoon pizza not Serbian 😂

@nopainnogain1
I've kinda been where you are op.

My son has had every school friend under the sun to our house over the years and it never seems to be reciprocated. My situation is a bit different as the friends didn't have the same homelike your daughters friend has.

You definitely need to sit the girls down and tell them what's acceptable and what isn't. Say to the friend I've already told you not to use this or that but you are still doing it. I have rules and they need to be followed and I'm afraid if you don't follow the rules you will need to go home.

Set rules for sleepovers. If she comes over on a Friday, tell her she will need to go home at 4pm on Saturday. She can't stay all weekend. Tell her she has to return your daughters clothes and she has to ask you to borrow something. Even say if she wants to leave an outfit at yours so she can change and you can wash whatever she leaves for next time.

Transferring money to the friends account, no wonder she thinks your her second mum. Open your daughter a bank account ASAP.

Be grateful your daughter isn't invited anywhere. It used to grate on me that my son got invited nowhere but I took his friends everywhere, mainly because my son is an only child.

I understand you have concerns for this girl but you need to take a step back a bit or you will always be responsible for this child.

This☝️

In the long run, exposing your daughter to a child who has been raised in an unstable, chaotic home environment may have a negative influence on her.
Despite the friend's sweet nature, it's important to remember that she perceives the world differently compared to your daughter, who has been raised in a more sheltered environment. While the friend may attempt to adhere to your household rules, her behavior and worldview are largely shaped by her upbringing. For instance, she might take clothes, shampoo, and other items without thinking much of it. This behavior could escalate over time and potentially influence your daughter. The impact might not be apparent immediately, but it could manifest during the teenage years. By allowing this close friendship to continue under the current circumstances, you are essentially permitting your daughter to be partially influenced by her friend's mother through her friend's habits, worldview, and survival instincts. Your primary concern should be the well-being and proper upbringing of your own child. Given that your daughter spends a significant amount of time with her friend, who in turn has been heavily influenced by her own mother's chaotic lifestyle, the concern is that the lack of guidance in her friend's life could indirectly affect your daughter.

You are faced with two options: either formally take the friend and provide her with a stable upbringing, or limit the extent of her influence in your daughter's life, especially during chaotic times at her home. This could mean ending sleepovers, borrowing of clothes, and other such interactions. Set clear boundaries, such as specifying what time she should return home, and ensuring you have a conversation with her mother before taking her under your care for extended periods.

You should have a thorough understanding of the friend's home environment and meet her mother before allowing a deeper involvement in your daughter's life.

The fact you think you can just take someone else’s child on account, of the one sided biased drip feed that OP has given, tells me a lot about some of the entitled mums-net brigade.

I’d love for the other girls mum to get wind of all this talk and judgement behind her back.

I know who the real cheeky fuckers are.

I think I sort of agree with Lolasgame. There is a chance that the mum believes everyone is blissfully happy with how things are. She might be horrified to hear that a bunch of strangers think that the OP should adopt her daughter in all but name.

Did you get your daughter's clothes and shoes back?

That's the very least you should be expecting from the girl and her mother.

The lack of protection around her own dd s staggering to me.

Sillymummy295 - gosh - you are SCARILY silly.

Emz6103
The girl sounds like a potential bad influence and you cannot afford to let that happen.

I agree with this - you need to watch out for your own daughter. You're not responsible for this other (very annoying) girl. If you have genuine reason to be concerned for her welfare, let the school know but she's not your responsibility, so you don't need to feel guilty in any way. She sounds like a CF to me!!

The Daily Mail has picked up this story FYI

its been in a fews days

I hate when the papers take stories from here, they could potentially be putting a persons safety at risk if the person being spoke about recognised themselves in the story.

This is supposed to be a safe space for advice.

This is supposed to be a safe space for advice

Where did you get that from?

As soon as you write anything on the Internet it's fair game. Do the Internet safety things we teach our kids not apply to adults?!

Baffles me that an adult can think anywhere on the Internet is a "safe space" 🤣