To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

This girl sounds rude and ungrateful. Put a stop to this. Your kindness is being taken advantage of. Start of by not allowing her to use your bathroom and no borrowing clothes. In fact if it was me I would discourage the visits for a while.

Why break up a good friendship between the girls just because the mum doesn't have any manners?

Maybe you could say you'd like mums number so you can chat about visits next time and arrange when you're going home in case you have plans etc.

As long as your DD is enjoying the friendship there is nothing to stop you continuing to be such a positive and supportive influence in this girls life.

You could set some ground rules: eg I don't let my daughter leave the bathroom in a mess like that and neither can you! Ask before you use etc.

The girls will never forget these sleepovers, such fun and conspiracy!

I'm sure the girl won't even remember your kind n when in the future this girl won't be bother help your own daughter return kind . Lesson learn so I stop being kind to any 1 as I help some n in return they was like its your choice to help me no 1 force u then.

So my DD is 9, she has a friend who every Monday tries to invite herself round to ours after school. It's never my dd asking "can xyz come over for a play?" it's always "xyz says she wants to come over"
I've said no every Monday so far since schools returned, partly due to prior plans and partly as last school year it became every Monday, we'd feed her, and have to take her back home. But when I said it was hometime, Xyz would sulk or try and hide. Offer of my dd going to her house has never happened 🙈 I don't mind once every so often but feeding another and having an extra hyper kid in the house on my one day off, every week became annoying lol

Basically I feel your pain although yours it worse, I'd just start saying no, sorry we are going out/have plans

I think you’re doing an amazing thing for a young girl who is craving a family and is sadly being neglected by her own. I agree with you, you can’t turn your back on her. You have lived experience of this - you could really save her. She just needs to be taught proper boundaries and manners.

‘ you could really save her’

Fgs this thread is deeply troubling.

You cannot control who your teenager daughter is friends with. If there are concerns about the friends going off the rails, far better to be involved/ supportive and influential than to have no idea what she (and your own daughter) are up to as time goes on.

Have clear boundaries from the outset: eg don't even let them think about her moving in.

The fact she has someone like you that cares clearly she is craving this. I would do the same as you and want to take her under my wing. I would continue with boundaries the same as I would my own dd. If your daughter enjoys having her round then I wouldn’t stop this but I would maybe let her wear some old clothes I didnt mind about or try and get her clothes washed and dried before she left. I would also contact the local safeguarding hub or the school and let them know, there’s a chance they may think Mum is improving as a parent but she isn’t if she doesn’t have her dd for the weekend and is drinking instead. This isn’t the poor girls fault she has this horrendous home life. I would sit and talk to the girl and explain you’re happy to have her but if she wants to continue staying as much as she does then she needs to respect your boundaries otherwise she won’t stay for as long next time or won’t be allowed to stay over night. She’s lucky to have you, don’t change what you’re doing

The mother is obviously a Cf.

You're doing a wonderful thing by taking this girl under your wing.

Ignore the batshitness on this thread. You are being very kind and generous. Bollock the mum, keep caring for the child and let them still go out for pizza and a soft drink.

You’re enabling this awful behaviour of the girl, her mum and setting a bad example to your daughter.

why can’t you tell DD friends the rules you live by. What is acceptable in your house and what isn’t. If you don’t want to be such a door mat, simply stop lying down for it.

Say it to the mum!
I don’t mind having x all weekend and feeding her and giving her money to eat out but I was surprised, as was DD when you picked X up to go out for dinner and didn’t invite DD.
(Is there a possibility that she wasn’t being taken out to dinner, she just said that to impress that her mum does nice things too?)

If you think the mother is a drunk then why would you want your daughter to go off in the car with her anyway? I wouldn’t be cool with that even if she had invited her.

she sounds chaotic from your description and I feel very sorry for her child. Your house and daughter are probably a secure constant for her in what sounds like an otherwise neglectful situation. Using your stuff like that suggests to me the child feels like she needs to be acquisitive because she has so little at home. I’d probably just hide stuff I didn’t want her to use but otherwise I think good to show this child kindness and generosity.

The alternative is that you do what you should do and report this to social services. We can’t all save the world and this child’s life when she’s not at yours sounds awful, therefore the authorities should be involved. I say this as a former foster carer - this needs professional involvement!

You are such a lovely person.

I can’t believe all the heartless people on this forum, the child is clearly yearning for a proper family environment and kudos to you for providing that for her. I think you should definitely set some boundaries, if you accept the fact that she will be at your home and not abiding by your rules, I would put a lock on my bedroom door. That ensures she’s not just swanning in there and using your things.

To another poster’s 50/50 comment… I ABSOLUTELY would not want my child staying at her friends house, her mother is not someone I would want my child around, you have no idea what she’s being exposed to there. You have a bigger impact on that girl than what you will ever know. Well done

OP you sound lovely and you're clearly making a positive difference to this girl's life but you're also being walked all over. Either carry on as you are or if you're not happy with it, make changes. The mum isn't going to change and costs will go up and maybe she'll start borrowing your make up and perfume or go home wearing DDs jewellery. Set boundaries now and show her no means no.

Report concerns to the school. It will help build a picture if there are any other safeguarding concerns.

I think you have two problems here. The mum is clearly a CF. ...but you are very unclear on your boundaries. I mean the thing with the hair products! How did this kid even get into your bedroom let alone take your products..again! That ones on you, likewise leaving in your daughter's clothes.
I'm not sure the mum sounds the sort of person you could have a reasonable conversation with. If youre happy to have her overnight then be blunt. She's more likely to respond to black and white ...eg my daughter and friends are going to cinema/Pizza Hut this weekend. If your kid plans on coming she'll need £20. She can stay over if she brings clothes.
I think you're right to make some allowances for her poor upbringing however you don't want her ways to brush off on your daughter. A simple 'that's not how we do things in this family. We....'. If you have a OH he can join in.

I read this thread with a real tinge of sadness. One because a lot of people are very judgemental and two, because I was that girl when I was kicked out of home by my mums latest husband age 13.

My best friend said I’d better go home with her and her parents just took me in. I was treated exactly the same as their two children, rules, pocket money, clothes, holidays and I was also disciplined the same. Although I was so thankful for these wonderful people looking after me I didn’t often play up and never had to be told twice.

Boundaries are really important and so I would suggest sitting down with DD friend and going through the ‘rules’ again.

Ignore the judgy people on here. You know the mum is being an enormous CF, take it up with her but I doubt she’ll care. Or she’ll tell you to keep your nose out.

For what it is worth, I think you are a great person, just like the couple who took me under their wing, and I will be forever grateful to them.

the child is clearly yearning for a proper family environment

How do you deduct that? She's rude, ungrateful, disrespectful. Not making any efforts to be pleasant and part of the family.

What is an A level in "German Spanish", OP?

Assuming this is real, I'd be encouraging my DD to broaden her friendship circle. This friendship is not going to do her any favours at all.

I'm going to have a word with the mum and tell her what I think.
I've also asked my DD how she feels about her friend being here all weekend and so often. She said she's her best friend, of course she likes her being here. As for the 'borrowing' clothes, I'm writing a list of the items that haven't been returned and will give it to the mum when I have a word.

There's no way I'm going to just cut this kid off. She's sweet and kind. She's absolutely tiny too, which makes me feel she's perhaps more vulnerable than she actually is. But she tells me she loves me and she made me a Mother's Day card etc, so I think she's crying out for a maternal figure. Yes she's a cheeky little madam with things like helping herself to my things, but I do care for her very much.

Now this makes sense to me, I didn’t think you were angry at the daughter and I could sense you care for her, why else would we put up with kids! I’m so glad/relieved you’re not listening to everyone saying cut the daughter off. I grew up with my best friend around due to her home situation, 30 years later and she’s still like a sister to me even though we may meet rarely once a year it doesn’t matter. I remember well all the sleepovers and the holidays she joined us on. My mum never complained - she just treated her like her own daughter, and like with me, it was very much if you stay here, you follow my rules and respect them! It’s as simple as that. I do however completely understand your anger towards the mum. That is called for. Being angry at a 12 year old, it’s not her fault.

You’re being very kind to the kid OP but I’d gently but some boundaries in place such as not leaving wet towels on the floor or using your toiletries! Cheeky madam.

The mother is a cheeky fuck.

Ps I can’t believe the number of people clutching their pearls about two 12 year olds having a pizza and a coke outside a pub on a a Saturday afternoon. Get a fucking grip people, they’re hardly popping pills 🙄

OP you need to talk to social services!
I’d also talk to school with an immediate safeguarding concern!!

you can keep doing what you do and care for the child and importantly help your daughter to maintain her friendship. It will benefit them both. But at the moment you are covering up a mothers negligence and that shouldn’t go unreported.

Why on earth are you complaining about your child not getting invited out for dinner, I would not want a drunk anywhere near my child