To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

So you think nothing is wrong with 2 12yr olds eating pizza and coke? You are correct BUT 2 12 Yr olds eating pizza and coke outside a pub? That's VERY WRONG because what sort of older men drinking and could take advantage of them being on their own,honestly op your own standards are not quite up to scratch here either although you are very good to the the other child she is not your responsibility

Sure if she takes your advice she will have a queue a Mike long at her door

Mile long

It's really lovely what you're doing for this child. I think you just need to establish firm rules and boundaries.

Some really nasty comments here! You’re doing a great thing taking this child under your wing OP! She clearly needs a good maternal role model and the fact you’re willing to be that for her is a testament to your character. It seems a lot of the commenters here could’ve done with a figure like you in their lives growing up and maybe they wouldn’t be so nasty and devoid of empathy now!

This child is obviously neglected and not living in a nurturing environment. She takes what she can from you because she doesn’t get it at home and does t know how to respond to your kindness

This!!

If social services are involved it would be really helpful for them to have your details so they can add you to her support network and you may even end up as a private foster carer for this child. You also hold a lot of safeguarding information about this child that they need to know so call your local social services explaining your situation and how much you help and just wonder if the childs social worker would like a conversation. As a social worker myself, people lile you are a lifeline to some kids amd so important to know about for contingency and safety planning

I could feel tears in my eyes when I read that @nopainnogain1. No wonder you feel some responsibility to this girl. Eventually she will understand that she can't use your nice toiletries. Let's face it, it's perfectly clear she's not learned to respect people's property at home.

You will have to speak to the mother. Her behaviour towards her child is really quite neglectful but if you can do it in a way which helps the daughter to still visit you in a more planned way then you will help her so much in the long run.

It sounds like she doesn't have any boundaries at home so it's unrealistic to expect her to intuit yours at her age. Next time she visits, sit her down and say something like "we really enjoy having you here, but if you're spending so much time here, you need to stick to the same boundaries as the rest of us. This is how we show respect for each other and make sure don't fall out." Then list non-negotiables, such as leaving in DD's clothes, using your shower and shampoo etc, leaving the bathroom in a decent state. If she accepts and sticks to the rules, all good. If she sulks and refuses, hold firm and you'll soon find out if she's genuinely clueless or taking the piss.

FFS OP you're amazing and what you want for this girl is truly admirable and so kind. She isn't your responsibility though so talk to school and the mum, setting clear boundaries. Also, make it clear to the girl you are always there if she needs you and she is always welcome.... Within the boundaries. That is all you can really do. And it is cool of you to shout dinner out... 12 is fine. Ignore the bullshit. But don't expect a thing in return from the mum. Your empathy and patience is what kids need... Legend

I don't know. I think the friend is taking advantage too. If you're neglected you wouldn't just go and get ur friends mums shampoo use it and leave it on the floor. It's just a bit selfish. Does ur own child use ur shampoo?

She could have also asked your daughter to come with her to 'dinner' for all the times ur daughter has invited her to ur house or asked ur permission to have her home. It's cheeky and selfish. What sort of friend does that? I know you'd prefer if she didn't go but if they're friends then why can't she atleast invite?

I'd be having words with the mum and tell her what you do for her child. I'd get social services involved too. It's neglect.

Apart from being puzzled by your mention of your German Spanish A level (whatever is that?) I echo the replies about your boundaries, OP. And in particular because while your daughter loves her friend now, she’s 12 and often 12 year olds friendships change as they get older. Your daughter needs you to make sure she has the ability to move away from this relationship in time if she needs to. If you go hook line and sinker for being a substitute parent to this girl your daughter may well find herself playing second fiddle to another child’s needs in time. You can be kind and an excellent example of stability at this time but also create boundaries for yourself and also your daughter. She should have the right to keep her space for the future even if she adores her friend at the moment. She’s young and your priority, however compassionate you feel towards her neglected friend.

I was that child. I read the post and instantly recognised myself as that child. Alcoholic mother, dad at home but working every hour to keep a roof over our head. My BF mother was an absolute angel to me. I no doubt took the piss though not because I was cheeky but because I had NO guidance or boundaries at home. I didn’t hold the normal “behaviour”. I was desperate for some normality, a clean bed to sleep in, a house that wasn’t chaos.
if it wasn’t for that woman treating my like a daughter honestly God only knows how my life would have turned out.

This!!!⬆️ WTF??? You're being a complete doormat. Why aren't you refusing & confronting the mother?

This is so sad. Thank god she has you

Sounds like your house has become a refuge for this poor girl. No, her behaviour isn’t acceptable but unless she is told this, she won’t know. It seems like this is normal to her, which is heartbreaking.

I know you have already had a lot of replies to this but I just wanted to say, thank you for doing this for your daughter’s friend.

I had quite a chaotic home life, I didn’t ever want to be at home. It was nice going to other people’s houses and getting a taste of normalcy.

Similarly to another poster, I walked on eggshells around adults and would never ask for anything for fear of upsetting the status quo. However, my sister grew up separately to me in a much worse situation and I could 100% imagine her acting in a similar way to your daughters friend (ie. pushing boundaries). They almost can’t help themselves and it’s like a test to see how much you care (to see if you reject them or not). It could also be learnt behaviour with her mum, this might be the only way she’s learnt to get attention, or her mum
might be the type to let her get away with all sorts at home to pacify her for when she inevitably dumps her for some bloke.

Setting boundaries now is really important, and I would urge you to only let your daughter to socialise with her friend under your guidance, so don’t let the mum take your daughter out etc. There may be things the daughters friend is being exposed to that you don’t know about, especially with different men coming and going.

I’m sure you already have but also talk to your daughter about strange behaviour from other people and how to trust her instincts and practice what to say when something doesn’t feel right.

My Nan used to take in friends of her kids (I’ve lost count of how many!), these people are now in their 50s and 60s and often tell me what a difference she made to them and how fondly they looked back on that time.

Maybe your Nan did take in children and it all worked out but I am assuming her own children were not set to suffer as a result
Doing the right thing for a child in need is what most of us would do, I remain unconvinced in this case. There are too many flags, and even without them this is so unhealthy for op’s own dd, and the trouble that is coming.

I used to be shocked by other people’s homes. I think this has hit me today, I remember one friend still now where I couldn’t believe her toys, flowery room and then we had a jacket potato for lunch, the most delicious jacket potato I ever had! I told my mum and then from then on she’d do the same for us.

I commented before reading the full thread. It's nice what you're doing for her. Her mum sounds horrible and just like my niece's mum.

As others have said previously you need to lay some firm ground rules!

Clearly the mother has major CF issues and is taking you for granted AND the daughter clearly needs you.

You need to check with your daughter that this girl is really a friend and that your daughter is happy for her to be around all the time (I wouldn't have her around quite so often).

You need to ensure your daughter reclaims her things!

You need to make rules to reclaim your territory and stick to them. No going in your room, using your en-suite or taking/using your things EVER!

This girl is lucky that you have her back - but she needs to show respect in your home and to have manners towards you and your daughter.

This woman also needs to be grateful and not take you for granted.

I also agree that school needs to be aware of the situation.

The CF mother is clearly off the rails!!

Bless you, I think this fully explains why you feel so strongly for her, you've been there and feel her pain. I see no issue with you being a maternal figure for her I think it's wonderful and very selfless of you.
However as you say, your friends parents taught you manners. So I feel that is what you need to do as well, help her become the good kid she can be.
Bollocking her about using your stuff doesn't seem to have worked. Maybe a sit down and establish ground rules might? "I love you, DD loves you, and I have no issues with you being here. But if it's going to continue, we need some rules and boundaries. 1. Do not go into my room" etc etc. Maybe write them together and sign? If rules are broken then she won't be able to come for x no of weekends, if continuously broken then won't be allowed at all?
I think you have to let go of the fact that the mum didn't come to the door. She's clearly self involved and doesn't give a shit so would never occur to her. I'd just focus on helping the daughter, if you care for her and try to let the CF mum thing go (as hard as that is!!)

This thread is horrible to read. People calling a young girl from abusive background a user. She’s 12 years old ffs!!

I’d set some strict rules and buy her some basic clothes to keep at your house. I’d be slightly worried about what will happen through the teen years but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

I think if you’re going to help you just have to do it without any expectations from her mum. I think her calling you her second mum says a lot about how important you are to her and I don’t think it’s odd. She isn’t old enough to understand that her behaviour could push you away ….I guess she feels secure with you.

You are enabling the mother and the daughter. I would want my child to mix with someone else - God knows who they are meeting down the park. Do you know?