To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

Are they at the same school?

Is there a safeguarding lead there?;if so can you talk with them?;handing your kids off to all and sundry because you won't look after them yourself is a red flag when other issues are present.

I'm going to take it that the father isn't in the picture as she's spending a lot of time at your house.

Is she showering at yours because she doesn't have access to a proper shower at home?

Where are your boundaries?

Seriously- is this the message you’re happy to send to your daughter about how you allow people to treat you?

This

The young girl clearly needs a better support network- but it wouldn’t be coming at the potential expense of my own child.

And it’s not really ok to allow two young girls of that age to sit in a pub garden on their own, 4pm or not, just inappropriate. Plenty of other places they can hang out

And what happens when the kid turns into a teenager. She has no boundaries now, what will it be like in a couple of years. What will it be like when the OPs kid outgrows this friendship? The kid decides she wants to live with the OP full time? It's going to happen.

It might seem to be the kindest and easiest option now. But long term it isn't.

Spent many many years working in bars and completely agree.

Staff are not there to babysit your unaccompanied children. In an environment that serves alcohol this is in no way appropriate.

I mean, it's admirable that you're looking out for this girl but you've already stated that SS have previously been involved and there is history of neglect, abuse and drug taking, so surely you're just enabling this to continue?
SS need to be made aware again if this is the case.
Fine to having her round but absolutely not fine to be burying your head in the sand and going along with it all.

Been there, done it. Several times. And the resentment will grow until eventually you snap. You have two choices, tell the kid and her mum to p off, so you don't get taken for a ride by them, saving you stress and money.. Or you accept that your kindness will never be reciprocated, for whatever reason, and you'll never be thanked or reimbursed, but that you are providing a safe space for your daughters friend, where she experiences kindness and compassion and hopefully learns some boundaries along the way. Definitely start by making your bedroom and en suite out of bounds, and explain that any clothes she borrows from your daughter must be returned. It's a thankless job, but I'm sure when the girl is older and a bit more mature she will look back and be grateful that she had at least one stable adult in her life who was a positive influence on her. Good luck!

I run a village pub. It’s against the law for unaccompanied children to be on the licensed premises, including beer gardens.

I actually thought it was against the law, as in actual LAW for someone as young as 12 to be on the premises without an adult and am glad someone that definitely knows has confirmed it.

It has taken me a while to post this, but I will even if it causes offence.

Far from this girl being from a broken home and sad, I feel you are being played like a kipper mainly due to your own triggers.

This girl has figured out you and by extension your dd are easy rides, her use of your personal items to me comes across as contemptuous not desperate.

Desperate children that are genuinely in dire straits and dependent on a ‘second mother’ would be very unlikely to imperil the relationship like this, additionally brazenly walking out in your dds clothes and asking for money. It all indicates a total disrespect of you and dd.

The Mother’s Day card feels manipulative and unnecessary. It’s a sure way to keep you onside though.

Your anger at the situation with her walking out to a restaurant with her family was justified- and she did so without as much as a thank you. It doesn’t indicate a massively dysfunctional home to me, you are just being played. You knew this at the time when your real feelings arose - anger.

This girl is ensuring she is besties with yours to consolidate her place at your house indefinitely and access to all of this free stuff. This will escalate into more of the same but bigger.

You will be asked to take her on holiday, throw parties, weekend sleepovers, pay for more pub meals for sure… all through your dd but really coming from her.

When they start underage drinking and getting into trouble you may look back on this junction with regret.

Get some counselling, explore why this is such a tough triggering situation for you. Your dd is the one I feel sorry for.

Unaccompanied children can’t buy anything in pubs.

Op lets her 12 year old go to a pub alone; no one is coming out of this well.

The mother of the girl was in there drinking, no doubt she helped them order. Incredibly it was op that paid despite the other mother being present.

You really couldn’t make this up.

I haven't read the whole thread but have read op posts.
Sounds to me like you have 2 12 year old friends that have asked DD friend's Mum if friend can stay over at your house which the mum has agreed to. The DD has asked you if friend can stay over.
Friend's Mum hasn't asked you to have her daughter or to give her money or sent daughter on a clothes finding expedition. You have allowed all of this.
The mother doesn't owe you anything and doesn't owe your DD an invite to a meal out either.
If the mother is as bad as you say then she probably would be happy to leave her 12 year old home alone while she goes out.
I think that this is all coming from the girls. You aren't doing a favour for the mother.

You need to make direct contact with mum and explain that your concern and kindness are being taken for granted and worn away. Also you need to find out what the truth is. There will be more to this.

If you were to look into this child's background, you would likely find a series of friendships much like this one that happened exactly like the friendship with your daughter all of which ended when the parents grew weary of being used by the girl's mom.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with this. I had a friend much like this and, after a while, it drove me crazy. Once I pulled back (and my Mum stopped being quite so obliging), she turned on me.

How much time is this girl spending at your house? It's easy to say that you should definitely take on the role of being a second mother but, ultimately, it will be you who has another child / teenager in the house. What does she do when your daughter is doing her homework? Does she sit quietly and do her own or does she disrupt? Even if your daughter says how much she wants her friend to come over / stay the night / borrow all her stuff, there will come a time when she just needs her own space.

You may contact the safeguarding lead at the school with your concerns. They may get involved, depending on what the school population is like. I doubt social services will be terribly interested - a twelve year old who goes to school and has at least one adult who is prepared to take an interest in her well-being? They have bigger fish to fry and are not going to rescue the one adult.

Well done op for helping this poor kid.
im sure it makes a huge difference to her and that she will never forget your kindness.

Once again on MN I’m utterly bemused as to how people put up with this kind of shit. Just for a start I’d have told the girl in no uncertain terms that she does NOT go into my ensuite and help herself to my toiletries! My bedroom is also out of bounds to non family!

Oh OP, you're the kind of mum I was lucky to come across at my friends' houses when I was a teenager. My parents had split up, my mum moved away and I didn't see her for years and my dad was very.... hands off? I was lucky if he cooked me tea. He didn't drive so never took my anywhere etc. A bit of a basic, sad existence I'll be honest. Other people's houses were... homes rather than houses. They felt warm and friendly and they all sat down for tea together. Anyway, parents like you are invaluable. I would often do something similar - go to my friend's house and stay all weekend. Or randomly go to theirs unplanned after school and handwash my underwear etc. (Or borrow things)

The problem (as I see it) is the cheeky behaviour of the girl while she's there, assuming you're actually happy having the girl there and money (for feeding her) isn't the issue as such. You're never really going to be able to do anything about her mum - she's just a rubbish mum and old enough to know better. You need to lay down some ground rules with the daughter if you're going to let her come over - no going in other people's bedrooms, taking/using things that aren't hers, make sure she brings things back that she's borrowed etc. The only thing with the mum, in my opinion, is that she should be giving her money to do things over the weekend. You shouldn't have to be funding her daughter as well as your own.

Yes this! I also thought the comment of the girls 'turning up before dinner' odd as well. Where the hell are they all this time?

For someone who doesn't think highly of the girl's mother and the girl not being that fussed about school, OP really doesn't seem to be too bothered about her 12 year old daughter roaming about with her.

I've been in pubs full of football fans since I was 15.. I still wouldn't have been going on my own though, even if it was just in the garden.
If you think there aren't drunk people in pubs on a saturday afternoon you are mistaken.

But that wasn't the main point. Put the boundaries in place and mean them. Kids with no consistency will push boundaries because they've never had any, she needs to know where she stands.

@nopainnogain1 you are doing the best you can with a shit situation.
My best advice is buy some ‘cheaper’ clothes this girls size to give her when she has none.
Hide your expensive products in the interim, replacing with standard stuff should stop it.
Re the CF mother, I’d try the soft-soft approach first - happy to have her, lovely child, but it’s becoming quite expensive to clothe her too, could she send her properly attired. Also I felt DD was a bit left out the other day when she heard your child going out for dinner after spending all weekend here. Bit of mutual respect?
good luck (btw it’s a pizza, and day time, they can eat where they chose, restaurant clearly permits it, some folk on here need to get a grip)

I understand why you're taking this girl under your wing (apart from the posh shampoo thing - say no and hide it!).

I wouldn't make her life more difficult by needling her mum to be honest. Yep, she's a CF of the highest order and probably not very nice either, but if you've decided you're helping this kid just do it and be glad she's not your mum. It's like that fable where the person nurses a snake back to health and is surprised when it bites them. If you want to stop helping the kid as much that's fine, just draw your boundaries with her, but what's the point of drawing boundaries with the mum? You know what she's like. Don't make the kid's life more stressful by behaving as if you don't.

If anybody said that to me, even dressed up as softly softly with a fake smile and all. I’d see right through them and take great offence. So bitchy, the mother is not obliged to invite her daughters friend out for dinner.

OP is doing all this by choice and jumping to a lot of conclusions about girls home life and mother.

I almost get the feeling her daughter is an only child (could be wrong) and maybe she liked her daughter having the company of another child. Things have gone too far and now she’s resentful towards girls mother being footloose and fancy free.

You sound awesome. Don't stop helping the child, but yes you absolutely need to set boundaries-you might be the only adult who does this outside of school, and it is needed. Much love to you and this girl. You could really make a difference to her future xx

I think u need report to social service or school that the girl keep visit u every single day as her own parents not pick her up from school. So ideal inform school that this girl often visit your house cos mother drunk n not give attention to her own daughter.

I won't allow my daughter friends over only for birthday party as I have other kids n other responsibilities so no time for other kids as I'm not baby sitter or nanny or free childcare. Ask that girl why her own family like grandparents not pick her up but freeloaders n misuse you so much .