To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

*This thread is horrible to read. People calling a young girl from abusive background a user. She’s 12 years old ffs!"

Out of interest, at what age to you transfer from poor girl from abusive background to cheeky fucker user? Maybe the mother is from an abusive background.

Unfortunately, because you are kind you have enabled with child's behaviour but the time has come to tell her what you think and have a long chat with her irresponsible mother.

I agree with this.
You need to have a chat with the other mother.

I agree school need to know to keep an eye on her

Reading between the lines I would be concerned there are safeguarding concerns about the friend and her home life
Some of the behaviors you have described are indictive of a neglectful home.
I wouldn't suggest you don't ban the child from your home as you may be her only safe haven, but maybe have another word, explain that you understand why she is so clingy, that you don't mind but there needs to be boundaries and rules and they need to be followed all times.
You mentioned that SWs have been involved so might be worth reaching out to them and voicing your concerns or speak to the safe guarding lead at school. SS may be under the impression that since the old bf moved out all is well and not aware that she may still be being neglected at home

You are a child abuse enabler. When children are abused they are usually in contact with other people like you for instance, you know this child is being neglected and yet instead of doing the right thing going to the school and social services you're covering it up whether you like it or not.
When a child is being abused it's everyone's responsibility to report it.
This is no different than seeing a parent beat their child in the street and just carrying on walking without calling the police.
You are enabling the neglect of this child once you were made aware of this child's abuse it was your moral duty to inform the appropriate authorities.
I wouldn't tell her t f off, but she would be told that she is not to touch any of my possessions shampoo, clothing etc I would not lock it up either if you don't have to hide stuff from your own child you shouldn't have to hide stuff from this kid, to tidy up after herself to not go into the kitchen without permission or she will immediately be brought home and stick to it, I wouldn't be giving her money either if she has no money then they can't go out simple as that.

You need to have similar rules for the guest.
It is unfair that you allow her to be rude.
Start setting acceptable boundaries for the mother and the child.

It is VERY odd that you allowed two 12 year olds to a pub by themselves. It is totally irrelevant whether they were sitting inside or outside. Surely you must realise this!?

I have a 12 year old and unless she was with an adult, she wouldn't be going to a pub with just her friend. They are 12!!!!

@gamerchick Exactly but not many on here are looking at the bigger picture.

You sound like an amazing mum! You are raising your daughter to be independent and supported.
What you are doing for her friend is admirable! I can tell you now that you will be the person she thanks for helping her achieve her ambition in life!

Someone upthread made the very good point that children's friendships change all the time, and the OP is potentially putting her own daughter in a difficult situation by being a 'substitute mother' to the friend. What if her own DD wants to be friends with other girls? Will she not be able to, because her mum has taken on this other child as a quasi sister to her? What if the OP's daughter simply wants her own space without her friend in it?

The best thing the OP can do is report what she knows to the school, and then take a big step back.

And don't under any circumstances speak to the girl's mother, because that's a road to nowhere. Leave it to the people who are already professionally involved with the family.

(I still want to know what a German Spanish A level is...)

It was this post.

I think this is more than the mum being a CF. This is neglect. I'd have a word with school. I'd also be putting a lot of boundaries in place. No way should she be going into your en suite and using your things, for example.

Wow! These people are taking the piss...you are being wonderfully hospitable but you need to have some boundaries. First your room should be a no go for this girl.. tell her this and explain she's welcome to use the stuff in the family bathroom but not yours..she's being disrespectful. Next, stop financing her. Tell her bloody mother that she needs to pay for her own daughter she's got enough money to go out getting drunk so she can send some her way. Don't feel this child is your responsibility, she is not.

What on earth. OP you are being an absolute mug here, and allowing your daughter to be one too! Fgs grow a backbone and a) ban this girl from your home, b) re-refer to social services, c) inform the school, d) distance yourself from their household, e) ban your daughter from being friends with her - by enabling this dynamic and exposing her to her and her mother’s behaviour you are in serious danger of allowing her to be led astray during a very easily influenced pre-teen phase where she will just want to be liked. This is NOT a healthy friendship or relationship and needs to be curbed immediately for the sake of your child, otherwise she will learn that this is how people who ‘love’ each other treat one another and it will translate into her making poor life choices with partners and becoming a victim of domestic abuse. This child is NOT your responsibility. How you have allowed this to continue is beyond me. People who collect waifs and strays are always taken advantage of - stand up for yourself and get boundaries in place ASAP. Be empathetic but firm in your explanation to your daughter of why this friend and her family is toxic and she will understand that what you did was in her best interests.

Find it mental that there is a terrible parent out there who isn’t meeting her daughter’s needs but people are more upset about you letting your daughter have a pub meal in the garden area 😂 what world are we living in? OP you sounds like a great person. It sounds like you’re really changing a little person’s life.

Agreed - can't believe what I am reading !

We don’t actually KNOW she is a terrible parent.

Everyone has already said everything I wanted to, about boundaries etc, but I will say thank you for being probably the only safe and welcoming place this girl knows. And tbh - she may well be lying about the dinner out, just to try and sound/feel “normal”.

Well the prognosis isn’t promising 🙄

Children are a product of their environment - of course she’s going to imitate her mothers behaviour - UNTIL she’s taught differently.

So many heartless people who clearly born with a silver spoon in their mouths. The lack of compassion blows my mind.

This ☝️ The girl arrived on a Friday after school, how do we know the cycling shorts weren’t for a week of gym lessons in school. Her mother hadn’t had a chance to wash them yet cause girl was having a long sleepover. Also she doesn’t know if she was drunk on the Friday, just that she was on a date.

The episode in Wetherspoons on the Saturday were op says mother was too drunk to drive the girls home. That could easily mean she’d had 1/2 drinks over legal limit.

Who’s to say the girl wouldn’t normally stay with grandparents or a babysitter when her mother goes out. Maybe she works all week and wants to let off steam and socialise, it’s lonely as a single parent. She’s just been a victim of domestic abuse according to op. She could be struggling herself, but loves her daughter.

Also deprived and neglected kids don’t tends to have their own accounts and bank cards (I know I didn’t) Also they aren’t usually fussy about toiletries.
OP’s post screams of misogyny to me, referring to the mother as a ‘fish wife’ and ‘dried up glamour model’ Also she wasn’t doing the mother a favour by babysitting her child she was allowing her daughter to have a sleepover, there’s a big difference.

The expensive shampoo and the request for money was a giveaway to me too. Neglected dc wouldn’t know a good shampoo from a bad one at 12.
Asking for money is highly unusual. I wonder how your dd really feels about all of this?

what a lovely person you are to look after this girl as you have and hopefully your influence will leave a lasting impression on her! Its easy to simply say 'do something about it' but I can see that this would impact negatively on both girls. How about simply starting to treat the friend as an additional daughter - discipline and all! If she's happy enough to mooch around your house and treat it like a second home then she's not likely to go running if you put a few boundaries in place. If you want to save her blushed, prep your daughter that you're going to have 'a talk' with both of them and whilst you understand your daughter is not guilty of these things it would be kinder to her friend to do it as a blanket approach. So sit them both down, explain that you need to make it clear to both of them that your bedroom and bathroom are out of bounds from now on. If they use the facilities they are expected to leave them as found and so on. It doesn't solve the wider problems but may take the edge off your growing frustration (and perhaps instil some better habits for the friend for their future)?

I think you’re right to be annoyed with this woman, but also, you give your 12 year old money to go to a pub for food on her own?!