To think women who constantly say on social media they love being single don’t actually mean it

[TitusMoan]

… and often run off with the first man who asks them out?

There’s too much protesting with some people.

I’ve been single over ten years and I could never consider giving that up for some man . And I do often say this on Facebook…

@Goldmember

Sorry but that is the definition of a shitty relationship. A poor partner for the sake of it, as a fear of being single.

Yes this is exactly my point. The majority of relationships are like this but because women have been socialised to thiink that their being “loved” is the most important thing so they put up with it.

Even when the partnership is better there is still a lot of that residual compromise involved. Accommodation of things which you haven’t chosen yourself and generally watering down of your own needs.

I didn't get married until I was 48.

I certainly won't be doing that again!

I think circumstances now women have found it easier to be single

And many of us (and often through learned experience) have set the bar high when we have looked or been on dates

I simply cba to waste my time going on a number of dates to find one possibly suitable man. Lots of people don’t seem to get this but it’s not my (or other single women I know) priority to find a partner if one comes along that fits In my life and I feel worthy of giving my time to great if one doesn’t and life continues as it is great and if I am honest the positive I mainly see with a partner is financially I would be more comfortable

but do I need to get out their to find this partner no as it’s simply not that important to me

ive been a single parent from when I found out I was pregnant had a few relationships not one of those men were good enough to bring into ds life as I have got older the less interest I have In men I think hormones plays a big part in this and I also like my own space

@HRTQueen It’s definitely something women feel more liberated to do as they get older. There’s almost a bit of an omerta among younger women to admit how limiting relationships can be.

Getting older, having children, having marriages and relationships fail, coming to understand the value of lifelong friendships, menopause, all embolden women as they grow older.

A mature woman with kids, a job and hobbies quite rightly may feel an optimal relationship is great but why disrupt your busy life to find precious time to slot in men who won’t enhance it.

I'm single (very long time divorced) and if I ever feel that I would be better off getting hooked up with another man, I only have to come onto this website and read some of the abusive stories about the appalling men that some women on here are married/partnered with whether it's financial, emotional or sexual abuse. No way on earth would I swop my current life for any of that.

I'm pretty happy being single overall thank goodness.

Honestly think the volume of women happier being single is to a large extent a reflection of how many men are fairly shitty partners. If the vast majority of men shared all of the domestic and childcare load, were supportive most of the time, made decisions as a partnership and genuinely respected women then far more heterosexual women would actively want to be in a relationship. Longer term relationships require a significant investment of commitment and compromise regardless of how lovely your partner is. Why on Earth would anyone want to invest that effort for someone who isn’t doing the same and is making their life harder overall. I’ve been with OH for coming up on 20 years and at times he irritates me immensely but he is a true partner. We operate as a team and support/encourage one another to pursue career aspirations, interests, life goals etc. If it wasn’t that way then I’m pretty sure I’d be happier on my own. It clearly becomes very apparent to many women when they have kids that their OH is not a partner in a true sense as they want all the benefits of having a supporter in life without the effort of being a supporter themselves.
I always doubt anyone who suggests their life is perfect and there is nothing at all they are even the slightest bit unhappy with but people can be very happy over all whatever their relationship & family set up is.

As a newly divorced person I can absolutely assure you that I am happy being single. I still date (but didn't for about a year) and I really needed that break and I still do. I am having loads more fun than I did being married. Doesn't mean that I will never change my mind. I am sure there will come a time (or a man) that will make me want to not be single anymore but that doesn't take away from the fact that right now, I am happiest being single. Nothing in life is that static that we can't change our opinion and we shouldn't be ridiculed for sharing our feelings. It doesn't make us liars or fickle people, just people who evolve and change.

No. Where do I say that in my post? I’m single, I think I’ll always be single now, I’ve been married and won’t be again. I am however fed up of women who go on and on about their great single life on Facebook and then form relationships with men who treat them poorly and who were waving red flags from the beginning. (I’m also fed up with women thinking they can set me up with unattached men and women who think I’m after their husband, but those are different issues).

Also, what happened to the quote function?!

A lot of people find being in a relationship comforting and reassuring. Some people find it stifling and boring and incredibly restrictive. I'm one of those people.

I'm one of those people too. I feel like I'm being suffocated in a relationship even with genuinely decent men.

I wonder if it's similar to the differences between introverts/extroverts. Some people love being partnered to the extent that the compromises don't feel like compromises and some of us can't see anything but the compromises and feel restricted.

You paragraphs about what you see as the compromises really struck a note with me. There is no amount of love that can make me endure it. I feel stressed just thinking about sharing living space with a man or even entertaining a man in my living space.

@FOJN

I wonder if it's similar to the differences between introverts/extroverts. Some people love being partnered to the extent that the compromises don't feel like compromises and some of us can't see anything but the compromises and feel restricted.

I think the introvert v extrovert debate is often grossly over-simplified (particularly on here), so I don't think that's the right analogy but I completely agree with you that there are certain personality types which are better suited to the kinds of compromises required to make long term relationships work than others.

I think a fair amount of women in particular get a lot of their validation from making other people happy and comfortable (principally their partners and children) so for them the tedium and the restriction of a standard long term relationship is "unseen" because the greater goal is this sense of comfort and utility to others which is ultimately worth te sacrifice for them. Whether that's a personality type or social conditioning I don't know: I think it's probably a bit of both.

But a reasonable minority of people don't enjoy the feeling that they are principally accountable to just one adult person, and they should get most of their emotional/intellectual/sexual satisfaction from that person. They find it limiting and stifling. I'm definitely one such person. I've had a very small handful of relationships in my life which haven't made me feel bored, restricted and hemmed in.

The friction comes from the fact that all of us are heavily indoctrinated to believe that this one person for one person model is applicable to everyone and anyone who doesn't do well with that model is dysfunctional or selfish. It's very difficult to talk honestly about this without being accused of either being bitter or not having had the "right" relationship but I'm pretty sure that's an over-simplification.

It's certainly true that many women put up with shitty relationships purely to be in a relationship but I think there's more to it than this. A lot of women thrive on their own but we haven't yet developed the societal language to admit this.

I don't understand how a relationship ship is restrictive yet having children is somehow wonderful and not at all stifling?

It's about the biggest responsibility you can ever take, and often very boring and expensive.

From a partner, and mum.

Having children is indeed incredibly stifling, boring and expensive. It's probably the most restrictive thing most people ever do to themselves.

But the love for a child is unconditional. The love for a partner isn't.

Critically in the past women relied on their male partner economically in order to have children. If you wanted to have children you pretty much had to get married (if you wanted to remain part of respectable society and not be ostracised). That's no longer the case: many women are able to have children without men. Their economic justification is less clear and the whole moral framework for marriage has largely been eroded.

In a world where women no longer automatically rely on men for money, security or status the point of men is less compelling. So if they don't enhance you or your children's lives, what's the value in having them involved? They have to meet a much higher quality bar than they did in your grandmother's day. And quite right too.

As a general rule, anyone feeling the need to gush on SM about how wonderful an aspect of thier life is, is normally over compensating in some way.

Life is complex and things that are good are very rarely 100% good - they come with some compromises. I think those who are happy with their choices (whatever they may be), tend to not to waste time crowing about it.

Most of my friends, whether dingle or married, post on social media about going out somewhere, be it the beach or theatre or a sports match or NT property or whatever. They post about meeting up with friends and family. Currently there are a lot of posts about offspring going to uni. They post about their cats and dogs. Some post about feminism or other causes dear to them. The only time they tend to talk about relationships is if they've been to someone's wedding or someone has died. Some wedding anniversaries. And someone did post about their engagement ring recently.

But mostly people are getting on with life and enjoying it, rather than specifically saying they're loving being single (or married). Everyone is left to infer thst from seeing them enjoying themselves walking the dog or whatever.

I cringed at the idea of posting on social media, whether I am happily married or happily single, but I am currently single and extremely relieved to be. I really wouldn't want a relationship right now and much prefer being alone, day, I would quite like sex every now and then. The problem I have is tinder isn't my kind of thing I've never been a one night stand kind of person so it's kind of complicated. People tell me I will want a man in the future but I honestly don't know if I'm too wounded for that! I think I've given up hope that happy relationships happen and think that my life would be much more peaceable if I were to just stay living on my own. That's easy for me to say though as I'm still bringing up children as a single parent: when they leave home, I may feel differently. But for now, I agree with the sentiment of that saying, "my alone is so good that a relationship with you would have to be even better (tough call), for me to let you in".

as I alluded to earlier in the post, I do miss a good shag though. The early version of my idea of a relationship would like the closeness, but I don’t think those parts last and so there’s no point in setting yourself up for failure. I think being a single parent, not having someone in the house to bounce ideas off or share problems with 24 seven, is harder, unless you come from a relationship where everything ended up being a fight, in which case it’s much easier, but still not the same as the perfect scenario (in my perfect world, which probably doesn’t exist) where to parents actually quite like each other and work nicely together and share the burden as well as sharing the love!

Wow, what a misogynistic post!

Women aren’t to be trusted in what they say? And all they really want / need is a man?

I agree that people who forever post on SM are annoying, and that SM is not to be believed (thought everyone knew that)

But I can tell you for sure I’m very happy being single

The women who are happily single aren't generally yapping about it on SM, but that's true of those in relationships too.

Reminds me of a friend who married recently. She talked a lot about having "been picky" and waited for the "perfect guy". Which is not my recollection of events at all - she was picky as fuck when it came to guys actively trying to date her, but would fall in love at the drop of a hat with any twat from her office. Her last thing before her fiance was with married man with a pregnant wife who fed her lots of shitty lines about being the only one who understood him.

That's the opposite of picky.

Beware anyone who editorialises their lives.

They do say married men and single women are the happiest!

Take a break from social media.
Stop caring so much about what other people post on their own social media.
Stop having people on your socials you clearly despise.
All very easy ways to stop this atrocity.

That is a myth. Created by a very biased poll done by mostly single people a number of years ago. It's anecdotal bullshit.

😂😂😂

Women on social media can't win on Mumsnet.

Post pics with your partner, say nice things about them or wish them a happy anniversary? Mumsnetters gleefully claim that means your relationship is dysfunctional and that your partner is having an affair and it's all a big fake facade to hide the misery of your life.

Suggest that you're enjoying the single life? Mumsnetters think you're actually desperate for a man and just posting to hide the fact that you're sitting at home crying in your pyjamas and comfort-eating like Bridget Jones every night.

Perhaps everyone could stop being bitter and resentful about the notion that their friends might possibly just be happy?

@thecatsthecats

Beware anyone who editorialises their lives.

I think that's generally true. But you have to bear in mind that being in a relationship and wanting to be in a relationship is very much seen as the default position, particularly for women.

There are people who are a bit nonplussed by this approach because it doesn't work for them and who may feel they have to justify themselves. If you're relentlessly subjected to comments like "I can't understand why you're still single" etc etc, you may get to a point where you want to head all this off at the pass.

The rhetoric around women's lives is very much that if you're single you must be unwillingly single. So I can see why some people want to shout from the rooftops that this isn't necessarily true. There may be an element of protesting too much in some cases. But some people just want to be understood.