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Original poster

To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

377 replies

altawalt · 17/09/2023 14:39

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 18/09/2023 11:01

It’s not OPs responsibility to house homophobic DSS and/or his cocklodger dad.

The pair of them need to fuck off and OP needs to start prioritising her own DC.

Beezknees · 18/09/2023 11:02

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 09:47

@MargotBamborough

The OP when a single mum with a disabled child was taken advantage of by a freeloading gobshite who is still resident in the home and dictating what goes on within it, despite financially contributing nothing except a bit of food.

I would be surprised if it’s known he lives there as the tenancy is still in OP’s name only. And she will have no way of applying for somewhere for DS on the basis of an overcrowded house because on paper it probably says there’s only her, DD and DS present in the house.

The waste of space, passive aggressive partner and his son need to go.

I doubt OP had much of a say in DD having to share a room, the cocklodger has her downtrodden.

Show quote history

Not all women are taking advantage of. Single parents need to get smarter and make better decisions for their children and I say that as one myself.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:05

OhComeOnFFS · 18/09/2023 10:57

Just realised that food shop is every month! FFS, for clarity could you post your costs and his in the home?

She probably won’t, fear of being outed.

If how I’m reading this is right - She will pay all the rent and utilities with only her name on everything. Because that way DP isn’t classed as living there but a visiting boyfriend.

If she had him on anything as a live in BF/husband her income could plummet by about 20k (much more than a few bills).

However, this allows him to be slovenly in his role as a provider and to take advantage of her. He probably saw her as a meal ticket in the first instance.

MargotBamborough · 18/09/2023 11:05

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 10:25

@MargotBamborough

So you’re one of these people who believes that women should continue in dysfunctional, abusive relationships “for the sake of the children”…. Even when the children have all clearly been harmed due to this relationship. It’s not the Walton’s is it.

Also, you keep going on about the 16 year old doing A levels which is a middle to upper class view. The OP hadn’t said anything about A levels. He could be finishing up with school and going out to work.

If her son ends up committing suicide that is not going to be particularly helpful for his sister either now is it?! That is what I see as the major danger here and there is very real risk of it.

My solution is as follows

a) give the children each a bedroom and parents sleep on sofa
b) if DP objects then get his ex to step up and take their son for a short period of time until housing is sorted for older boy
c) sort housing for the older boy

C could be tricky if she is in a social house and her tenancy was given on the basis of having the disabled dependent. If he officially moves out then they might say she needs to move to a smaller 2 bed for her and the daughter which would totally screw them. Or she admits the partner/SS are there and they need rehoused but then her benefits are cut drastically.

Personally, If it were me I’d be thinking about retaining financial and physical security for my two biological children and keeping them alive.

Show quote history

Did you seriously just go down the "if the OP and her partner don't put her son above their two other children yet again he might commit suicide" road?

Awful.

Floralnomad · 18/09/2023 11:06

Having read all the updates I agree with all the posters saying to get rid of your partner and his son and give your own son the help he obviously needs .

MargotBamborough · 18/09/2023 11:07

SpringViolet · 18/09/2023 10:48

The DP and SS have no rights over the OP’s property and as a PP said, the SS has taken over her DS’s room when he’s not even related to the OP or her DS.

OP should never have allowed this to happen in first place.

Show quote history

No, she shouldn't, but she did, and now she has a moral responsibility towards the other two children whose lives have been affected by all of this.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:09

No @MargotBamborough I’m saying that if OP does not meet her sons needs and adequately house him at home or in a besit his mental health will deteriorate and there is a risk of suicide - it is very well documented with autistics.

They need to nip this in the bud - now!

MargotBamborough · 18/09/2023 11:09

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 10:34

@MargotBamborough

You’re saying again that the SS is liable to suffer hardship just because his adult stepbrother has decided that actually he can't live with his girlfriend after all!

AGAIN

The DS has autism which is a neurodevelopmental disability and he has the developmental capacity of a 16 year old child - as his mother has attested to.

He has been bullied out of his him by OP’s waster of a DP and ghastly SS who is so unpleasant that his own mother doesn’t want him in the house.

OP’s son is now so unwell because of this that he is incapable of work and liable to be ill/benefit dependent for some time.

So AGAIN this is not a typical 20 year old bloke who cannot be arsed being independent.

This is a vulnerable, disabled adult who is being put at risk by this entire situation.

It is OP’s house and she has a responsibility to her biological children to protect them.

This boy has two parents who should be looking after him and providing for him. Where the fuck are they?

I understood all of that perfectly well the first time you said it, and all the subsequent times.

I'm saying two other children exist and have rights too. Something you appear not to have understood any of the many times it has been said.

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:13

Jeffreybubblesbombom · 17/09/2023 16:35

I think a load of negative replies on here of not understanding a 20 year old with ASD.

Actually plenty of us understand a 20 year old with ASD, and still totally agree.

He functions well enough that he was going to live in a flat with his GF. He moved out to live with her family. He is not the only one that matters in the home, and ASD or not he is an adult, with a job. He does not get to come back and put the other actual children at a huge disadvantage.

People tend to forget they non ASD kids in the home. They matter too.

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:15

It is OP’s house and she has a responsibility to her biological children to protect them.This boy has two parents who should be looking after him and providing for him. Where the fuck are they?

Um, what? This boy lives with his parent, in their home. He is no more or less important than the 20 year old who lived at home with his parent.

1 parent each, in the parents home. Where the fuck is the 20 year olds father, by your logic?

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:15

@MargotBamborough

OP’s daughter has her own room now.

This was only ever taken from her because DP insisted that his verbally abusive problem child enter into OP’s home to be housed for free. Not because of DS.

The SS welfare is the responsibility of his mother and father. Both of them should be paying for his housing and providing for him. He is not the OP’s responsibility and it is absurd that you are saying she should negate her responsibility to her own child in favour of prioritising someone else’s.

Her children have suffered enough. He has two parents that need to step up.

LittleOwl153 · 18/09/2023 11:16

The tenancy is in my name, he does the food shop once a month but apart from that its me.

and

DP won't allow DS and SS to share as DS doesn't need to be here...

I'm sorry, you have a cocklodger partner who contributes very little who thinks his son getting his own room is right when that means chucking out your 20yr old autistic child with no job...

Nah... I'd be chucking out the cocklodger and his son and giving ds the room for as long as he needs it. And making sure he pays cms for DD too.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:18

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:13

Actually plenty of us understand a 20 year old with ASD, and still totally agree.

He functions well enough that he was going to live in a flat with his GF. He moved out to live with her family. He is not the only one that matters in the home, and ASD or not he is an adult, with a job. He does not get to come back and put the other actual children at a huge disadvantage.

People tend to forget they non ASD kids in the home. They matter too.

Show quote history

@boromu222

He is not a functioning adult with a job.

He moved in with GF family and worked FT for a short period.

He couldn’t cope, had a mental health crisis and has been on the sick since May.

Read the thread.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:21

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:15

It is OP’s house and she has a responsibility to her biological children to protect them.This boy has two parents who should be looking after him and providing for him. Where the fuck are they?

Um, what? This boy lives with his parent, in their home. He is no more or less important than the 20 year old who lived at home with his parent.

1 parent each, in the parents home. Where the fuck is the 20 year olds father, by your logic?

@boromu222

Again - read the thread.

This is OP’s home.

The partner pays nothing toward the house, electric, gas, tv NOTHING.

He isn’t living in her fathers home.

He and his father are freeloading off of the OP and bullied her disabled son out which has resulted with him having mental health issues.

Lydiala · 18/09/2023 11:24

I'm sorry, you have a cocklodger partner who contributes very little who thinks his son getting his own room is right when that means chucking out your 20yr old autistic child with no job...

The dd is his daughter too. He wanted both of his children to have their own rooms, which is perfectly reasonable. It’s ridiculous that a 15 year old and 10 year old girl were sharing anyway.

He is at least prioritising both his children. The OP quite clearly only cares about her son and has put him above her daughter for years.

MargotBamborough · 18/09/2023 11:24

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:21

@boromu222

Again - read the thread.

This is OP’s home.

The partner pays nothing toward the house, electric, gas, tv NOTHING.

He isn’t living in her fathers home.

He and his father are freeloading off of the OP and bullied her disabled son out which has resulted with him having mental health issues.

Show quote history

The stepson isn't freeloading off anyone, he's a 16 year old child.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Lydiala · 18/09/2023 11:26

*Again - read the thread.

This is OP’s home.

The partner pays nothing toward the house, electric, gas, tv NOTHING.

He isn’t living in her fathers home.

He and his father are freeloading off of the OP and bullied her disabled son out which has resulted with him having mental health issues.*

These details all came via incredibly late dripfeeds, with the OP only choosing to reveal them when the thread was not going her way.

And the DP’s son is her daughter’s half brother. The DP is her daughter’s father. They’ve been a family for 19 years. The question of ‘whose home it is’ is pretty irrelevant at this point - they’ve lived there for nearly 2 decades.

Bigcat25 · 18/09/2023 11:30

I'm more sympathetic to op and her son than a lot of the thread. He needs a roommate whether it's shared or not, rather than just the couch.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:31

So should you @MargotBamborough

You’ve rattled on arguing this entire thread.

First you took issue with me saying the DS likely had the developmental capacity of a younger child (which I gathered from reading the mother’s descriptions). You finally shut up about that whenever his mother confirmed that he does have significant developmental delay and is more akin to a 16 year old child.

Now, you’ve become fixated upon advocating for the SS, whom you seem to think is OP’s responsibility. He has two functioning parents for that. They should be paying for him and meeting his needs. OP shouldn’t jeopardise her own children’s health and well-being in order to pick up somebody else’s child - she is not a charity.

Would you ever give your head a wobble!

Shame on you! Disgraceful! Blah blah blah

You couldn’t give two tinkers about the boy or you would have been advocating for him from the beginning.

You just like a fight and haven’t much on the calendar for today.

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:34

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:21

@boromu222

Again - read the thread.

This is OP’s home.

The partner pays nothing toward the house, electric, gas, tv NOTHING.

He isn’t living in her fathers home.

He and his father are freeloading off of the OP and bullied her disabled son out which has resulted with him having mental health issues.

Show quote history

You read it again. It's the boys HOME. Its nothing to do with him who pays for what. It is his home, it is fathers home, it is his sisters home.

OP's decisions about her partner and her finances are of no concern as to whether her 12 year old dauhgter and her 16 year old brother should be forced to share a room to accomodate an adult who has already shown they can move out.

Shame on you.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:35

Lydiala · 18/09/2023 11:26

*Again - read the thread.

This is OP’s home.

The partner pays nothing toward the house, electric, gas, tv NOTHING.

He isn’t living in her fathers home.

He and his father are freeloading off of the OP and bullied her disabled son out which has resulted with him having mental health issues.*

These details all came via incredibly late dripfeeds, with the OP only choosing to reveal them when the thread was not going her way.

And the DP’s son is her daughter’s half brother. The DP is her daughter’s father. They’ve been a family for 19 years. The question of ‘whose home it is’ is pretty irrelevant at this point - they’ve lived there for nearly 2 decades.

@Lydiala if they are commiting benefit fraud she likely didn’t want to fully advertise it.

And if the tenancy is only in her name despite DP living there - then yes, even after all this time it really does matter “whose home it is”.

She will have been granted that home to house her and her disabled son.

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 11:41

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 11:34

You read it again. It's the boys HOME. Its nothing to do with him who pays for what. It is his home, it is fathers home, it is his sisters home.

OP's decisions about her partner and her finances are of no concern as to whether her 12 year old dauhgter and her 16 year old brother should be forced to share a room to accomodate an adult who has already shown they can move out.

Shame on you.

Show quote history

Again @boromu222

Please read the thread

I said the adults should sleep on the sofa bed and that all three children been allocated their own room.

Only where the DP would disagree with this would the SS mother be required to house him for a few months or the boys share.

Never said that the daughter and brother should share in future and I don’t think they should have in the past either.

They should have said we have no room to accommodate SS here, and got him behaviour therapy to stop him being abusive and homophobic.

I certainly wouldn’t have let that sort of a preteen come into my house and share with an 8 year old girl and disabled 16yo.

Alstroemeria123 · 18/09/2023 11:44

I certainly wouldn’t have let that sort of a preteen come into my house and share with an 8 year old girl and disabled 16yo.

I wouldn’t let someone who is potentially violent towards women come back into the house with a teenage girl, either

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 12:00

Alstroemeria123 · 18/09/2023 11:44

I certainly wouldn’t have let that sort of a preteen come into my house and share with an 8 year old girl and disabled 16yo.

I wouldn’t let someone who is potentially violent towards women come back into the house with a teenage girl, either

Neither would I, but OP made that choice. He's been living in that house for years, and its his home.

The adults poor choices do not rest on the children, and they should not pay for them.

Naunet · 18/09/2023 12:13

SensationalSusie · 18/09/2023 10:45

@CrazyHedgehogLover

Haven’t you been reading the thread?

OP’s son had a mental health crisis in May and has been on anti-depressants and unable to work since then. He returned to the family home a month ago as he wasn’t having his needs met at GF’s house.

I didn’t suggest SS shouldn’t have a bedroom.

I suggested the OP and her partner give up their bedroom so that all three offspring are accommodated and that they sleep on a sofabed until the DS is well enough and they find accomodation for him or the SS moves out which could be 18m away anyway depending on where he is with school and what his plans are.

I speculated that getting DS socially housed could be tricky depending on what web OP has woven for herself - if there’s an undeclared partner in the house etc.

I am taking it your stepdaughter hasn’t hit her teens or 20s yet? Buckle it could be a bumpy ride.

I am of course not labelling all autistic people in a certain way. I am reading what OP is telling me about her son’s mental health and his general functioning. It’s incredibly clear that he has deteriorated because he wasn’t able to cope. That doesn’t rule things out for the future but he’s incredibly unwell right now.

Show quote history

Having his needs met at his girlfriends house?! She not his mummy, she’s not there to meet his needs, and he shouldn’t be putting his hands on women, which you failed to even acknowledge. He’s not a victim in that.

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