To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

If this is a social house and OP was awarded on the basis of her having an autistic child resident then it might really matter for all that he stays there.

Which is why I am asking OP if this is her house that she was given for her and DS that DP has then cocklodged himself in?

Just a gentle reminder that we are talking about a person who, just a few months ago, the OP judged to be capable of moving into a rented flat with his girlfriend. Hardly someone with the mental age of a toddler. Someone who is capable of getting a job and forming a relationship with a woman is not as handicapped as you seem to be implying. You seem particularly overinvested in this thread and I assume that it is close to the bone for you and you are filling in the gaps in the OP's story by projecting your own experiences into them.

I agree that he shouldn't be sharing a room with anyone who hasn't chosen to share a room with him (e.g. his girlfriend).

But equally, a 16 year old boy shouldn't be sharing a room with his 12 year old half sister.

There just isn't room for him to have the kind of accommodation you are saying he needs, in his mother's house. The only way for him to have that is to force other family members back into a completely inappropriate living situation. So OP needs to help him find alternative accommodation, or move out with him because it sounds like it'll be the end of her marriage if this goes on much longer.

Jesus H Christ.

@SensationalSusie how on earth have you now extrapolated he's a cocklodger?!!
Because he doesn't want his 12 yo dd to share a room with 16 brother?
So because he's not bowing to ops demands a room is kept empty and permanently available for an adult son, he's a Cocklodger?

Each time that the OP posts more about the step son it is becoming more and more obvious that he is already struggling with the lack of attention he is getting so unless you want two children having mental breakdowns he needs to be prioritised in whatever you do.
The step son has resorted to purposely annoying the OPs son and also calling his brother homophobic names because acting out is the only way that he knows he will be acknowledged even if that acknowledgement is negative.

@User183642 if you believe he's done that! Useful dripfeed to build negative towards him.

OP as a parrot to an autistic 23 year old I fully understand the need for his own space.

I could not live with a DP who would not support me to find a solution for all the DC in the house. I wouldn't care that my DC is 23, if he needs a place to live then I will always provide one.

*parent.

Because the OP probably wouldn’t have moved DS from his environment and I just get the feeling she’s being taken advantage of…. DP is dismissive of her concerns, shows no care for and is passive aggressive to the DS. And to get his son into the house fully he manipulated to get DS out of it.

If it is a social house granted for a disabled person and they no longer live there that can be a problem. Equally it could cause a problem with getting DS a flat as he can’t live in two SHs at once.

Thats why I asked for clarification over who owns what or whose tenancy it is.

I never told DP how long DS would be living here for. When he moved in DS was around 6 so I had no idea what the future looked like. When he moved out, he was always going to be allowed to come back.

Yes, DS needs his own space but I've tried to compromise by suggesting they share but DP is against it because in his words, DS doesn't need to be here.

There isn't a solution that works for all of them unless they move house.

The problem is DSS is also in need of his own space and doesn’t have the options to live elsewhere that your DS does have. DSS is behaving in ways that show he is crying out for more attention and DH probably recognises this and knows that things would only get worse for him if DS was allowed into his room but probably finds it easier to say that DS is old enough to live elsewhere than to openly come out and say that DS living with you is having a direct negative impact on his sons mental health.

Oof, OP. That first line says it all.

You never told your partner how long your son was moving back in for?

Was your partner consulted in any way? Or did you just announce that your son was moving back in and everyone would have to like it or lump it?

It sounds like there are probably three people in your house who are completely sick of being treated as though they don't matter at all and have no say in anything.

If this was a social house they would have been classified as overcrowded years ago, if DS was considered disabled enough to require his own room, and almost certainly have been offered somewhere bigger by now if they were in the top band (which a household overcrowded for disability related reasons would usually fall into).

Yes, DS needs his own space but I've tried to compromise by suggesting they share but DP is against it because in his words, DS doesn't need to be here.
So why didn't that work before when everyone else compromised and you had a brother and sister pre teem and teen sharing so Ds could get his own space, but still take over the whole house with noise and mess?
I've already said I accept step parents are detrimental to their step dc, but you've absolutely compromised your dds childhood haven't you.

A "gentle reminder" back that we are talking about someone who stopped attending work, became depressed and who has found that they actually couldn't live with their girlfriend.

You cannot judge an autistic 20 year old by NT standards. You have no idea how significantly he struggled living away from home, though it certainly sounds as though he realised that he was not ready. The poor sleep patterns, wandering around at night, etc are very typical.

OP I don't think your DP understands autism. It's really important that your DS understands that he has a home with you as long as necessary. There will be certain compromises, such as using headphones when he needs loud music, that he should be encouraged to make.

On the other hand, I don't think it's unreasonable for your SS to want/need his own space, and it is definitely inappropriate for your DD to share with either boy.

First, look at bedrooms. If you and DP have the largest, swap with the boys (assuming your bed fits in their room). Your daughter should have the smallest. Give the boys the biggest room, making it clear it is temporary until one moves out or on.

Then I would sit them down, talk through the problems from when they shared before, and see how they propose solving it. They might decide to store all their stuff in the room in separate spaces, and take it in turns a week each to sleep in the room and on the sofa. They might decide to screen or curtain the room. You must have rules about SS not touching DS's stuff and vice versa, and no loud music - use headphones. Basically, have a guided conversation with their ideas on how to solve this problem. Having the largest room might make dividing with bookcases or similar easier.

Your DP has to stop making DS feel unwelcome in his home. I can't stress this enough. He tried moving out, and it didn't work. That's humiliating enough without getting a constant message that you should not be here. He's only 20, he isn't a 45 year old man FFS. If SS goes to uni, would DP like it if you instantly return the room to DS and tell SS he shouldn't be there when he comes home after the first year? No? Then he needs to pipe down.

The tenancy is in my name, he does the food shop once a month but apart from that its me.

@MargotBamborough what I meant by my first line was that when DP first moved in we never spoke about how long he'd be living with us for and his future plans. When DS moved back we thought it was just for a few weeks until things had calmed down and I think that's what DS hoped especially after DP threatened him. Which people seem to be missing.

DS then met up with his girlfriend and they talked and sorted things out but agreed they both stayed where they were for the time being. That's when he told us. It's been around a month.

Good point. I was thinking they might not have let on about the partner moving in or step son..

However, from what OP is now saying it’s looking like she started a relationship with DP when her DS was 3 and they moved into DP’s house when he was six.

For some reason OP did not grasp that autistics very often have extended adolescences well into adulthood and may never leave home….. so the discussion around DS always needing to have a place didn’t happen… the DP doesn’t have a grasp over autism either and so expected DS would be out of his hair by 18.

The OP had no power in this scenario, DP’s two biological kids are what he’s interested in.

OP if it were me and my autistic son was ill/in danger I’d get out of there with him and get our own place with dd. She can visit her dad - he will have all the space he wants then.

Ah sorry read OP’s post wrong…

I was right the first time with my instinct that DP is a cocklodger.

Honestly I'd ditch the dh . Give ds his room back and support him with his mental health.

Do you have an autistic child? No? Thought not.
If you don't understand why some autistic children need (not feel like having, or prefer, but need) their own space to retreat to, then you could learn a bit more about autism and sensory overwhelm.

In any case, If you read, both boys argued. This is not all on the autistic son. Step son touched autistic son's stuff on purpose to wind him up. Step son moved from his own house because he was winding up his other (actual) brother.

The compromise occurred when step son left his mum's house because he was homophobic bullying his real brother, then started winding up his autistic step brother. Is the autistic child really the main problem?

You don't have a big enough house for everyone to live comfortably.
For a short term stop gap yes, longer term no.

So either you move to a bigger house or some people move out. The options seem to be either DS or DP and SS.

Right but he moved in, what, 14 years ago? I can't believe you haven't had a discussion about your long term plans in all that time.

However, again, another drip feed. The tenancy is in your name and your partner doesn't pay for anything except the food shop?

Does he work?

Because if you're affording this house on your income alone I don't understand why your partner isn't financially contributing and why you can't jointly afford to move to a bigger house?

This whole situation is very odd.

It’s really hard op but you can’t just move out ss from
his room. It would have been crazy to leave the room empty and have ss and dd share whilst your ds lived somewhere else. A few months ago you felt ds was capable of living elsewhere and now this has suddenly changed. This will be the issue your dp is having, how quickly it’s changed. Of course we will always welcome our children home in their hour of need but that doesn’t mean ds should get his room back.

ss sounds like his has his own issues going on but he can’t be punished over ds coming home. Yes your dp should be helping ss and setting boundaries but things haven’t worked out for him at his mums house. He will now feel incredibly unwelcome and lost if he’s suddenly moved out his own room.

You’re considering splitting your family up over this and it shows how serious it is but I’m worrying you’re not thinking about the other children.

Again, I feel the only resolve here is to create a bedroom in the living room. Get a sofa bed and work towards helping ds with his mental health, getting a job again and making working towards getting his own place. He was able to do this months ago so maybe it will be an option again soon.

I don’t agree with dp threatening ds but I do worry that there’s maybe more to the argument with his gf that ds is letting on. If he did in fact push his gf then I feel like I slightly understand dp being harsh with him and reminding him that it’s not on.

Sorry I’ve just read your update and i’m now confused. You and dp have lived together long enough and have a child together . I’d like to Hope in that time you’ve spoken about living arrangements .

This to the moon and back he can take his son and F off.