To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

So from the sounds of it, OP’s DS moved in with his girlfriend possibly due to the situation at home with his stepdad and stepbrother. I should imagine he felt his home wasn’t his safe haven anymore due to the stepbrother moving in who sounds like he would be very difficult to live with if he abusing his own brother to the point that his own mother didn’t want him in her home. I assume the brother was older if he’d come out as gay when the OP’s SS was only 12 which is when his mother kicked him out.

She had effectively prioritised one son over the other and OP is now expected to prioritise someone else’s son over her own, his age is irrelevant due to his ASD.

The OP’s DS and his girlfriend planned to get a flat together but that hasn’t happened for whatever reason and was likely infeasible anyway due to his operating age. He couldn’t stay at her parents so has come back home as he has nowhere else to go and is made unwelcome there as well due to his stepdad not wanting to make an effort make space for him after he’d thought he’d got rid of him.

OP I hope you don’t back down and find a workable solution. You son needs you to stand up for him in his own home, and it is still his home.

I hope he’s back safe now.

And the joint dd id assume as she's not being given any consideration when the ds needs are being looked at? She can fuck off too?

You DP isn't going to be satisfied with any solution because he doesn't want your DS living there at all. Having had a taste of how much better he found life when he lived away, he isn't going to want to go back, whatever you suggest about bedrooms. There isn't any reason to block the sons sharing other than to make the home less attractive to your DS.
Unfortunately that means you will need to make a choice sooner or later between living with your DS and living with your DP.
If I were you I'd be weighing this up very carefully now and being clear what is best for you and both your children, so you don't end up making a knee jerk decision when things come to a head.

Where is she acting like her daughter doesn't exist?

At that time, actually, stepson was living with his mother. He only moved in permanently 4 years ago. Daughter is 12. So from birth to age 8 she had her own room most of the time. It also is fine for brother and sister to share at that sort of age.

Also, autistic small children are different from autistic young adults and the way an 8 year old presents their autism (,the age he was when his sister was born) will be very different from now.

Listen, if you don't have lived experience of an autistic family member, listen to those who do. If you do have lived experience, then it's a great shame you took so little time developing understanding.

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky
She can stay in the house with her mother and visit her father whenever he pays for his and his offspring’s accomodation himself.

He does not sound like he contributes much to his daughter’s life.

Your DP doesn't sound great.
His son your SSsound pretty odious too - the homophobia. Does his Dad even calling him out on it.
And DP sounds as if he's been sponging off you for years.
He needs to sort his own stuff and go ideally.

Just seen it’s your house OP. You’re not married to this man as you say DP. Tell him it’s your house, your decision, and it was your DS’s home long before it was his or his son’s. If his DS can’t live amicably along your DS with an understanding of his ASD, he needs to find him other accommodation and he’s free to go with him.

TBH as parent of an ASD young man of the same age as yours, this is something I’d never forgive and any feelings I had for my DP would stop dead.

Get your DS on Universal Credit and PIP if he’s not already and contact adult social care tomorrow for an assessment for longer term support so you can plan for his future.

You’ve already seen that the ‘independence’ forced on him due to being forced out of his home due to his stepdad and stepbrother has not worked and left him in a much worse situation mentally.

Just wow.
You would actually encourage your partner to put his literal child on the streets rather than acknowledge that maybe your child was difficult to live with and that the cause of the stepchild acting out was almost certainly your prioritisation of your own child at the expense of another child.

A) autism is not a choice. I don't care if it makes a person "difficult to live with". Families accept their children as they are. A child with complex medical needs is "difficult to live with", would you recommend they get to sleep on a sofa and tell the mother off for pandering to their medical needs? This mum is suggesting the two boys share. At no point has she suggested the stepbrother be put on the streets. It's the partner blocking this (because he wants the autistic person put on the streets).

B) this stepchild has acted out at his own home too, homophobic bullying of his brother there. Is there a way you can make that the autistic person's fault too? Or maybe this stepbrother is a wind up merchant?

While I think it is unfair to make ss move out of his room,
the lack of understanding of how difficult life can be for a young adult with autism on this thread is astounding.
Makes me worry about how my young ASD adult will be viewed by others.
I fully expect her to have a go at living independently but fully expect to have to house and support her for the rest of my life.

Sure sure.

@User183642 Just Wow at your reading comprehension. The OP stated the SS got kicked out of his own mother’s home for fighting with his own brother before he moved in with them permanently.

How on earth can you twist that around to the OP’s DS being the cause of the SS already acting out before they even lived together? The OP’s DS’s need to play loud music and stay up at night when no one else is around may have a coping mechanism to deal with him living there.

OP should certainly have prioritised her own DS over her SS by not allowing an obviously badly behaved child with his own issues to move into her DS’s home and cause him distress in what should be his safe space but she didn’t, hence the situation now.

Isn’t that what step parents are told to do on the step parents board all the time on here, prioritise their own child!

Hey @altawalt

Wanted to wish you all the best in extracting your DP and his son from your home so harmony can return….

Seriously though, so sorry that he has bullied you, made your son unwelcome leading to his ill health and tried to rob you of your autonomy.

He is at the crux of this, if he worked you would be able to afford that 4 bed house!

Do what is best for your children. I hope you are able to find resolution. Let us know what happens. Goodnight 💐

So we have that

• your partner has threatened your son
• he doesn’t want him living in the house

i have to wonder if your son felt pushed out the first time he moved out.

he needs a quiet, stable, home so he can get a job and get himself launched into adulthood and eventually get his own place. If your partner is interfering with that, it’s time for the partner to leave.

Agree with this post.

In the circumstances you describe I think it would be massively unfair to kick SS out of the room. Your 20 year old moved out, in an ideal world yes his room would still be there but unfortunately it is not. It doesn’t mean you have to kick him out but maybe he will just have to make do on the sofa until he sorts himself out.

She's acting like the daughter doesn't exist because she has literally only mentioned her in the context of there not being enough bedrooms. Absolutely nothing about the daughter's needs, the daughter's feelings, how the daughter has found it sharing with a teenage boy for the last few years. Nothing about the safeguarding risks.

That's what I'm talking about here. Not the autistic son. I'm not claiming to know much about autistic family members. I'm commenting on how unbothered the OP seems to be about the impact of all of this on the rest of the family, particular the daughter that she chose to bring into this situation.

You remind me of the people who, every time JK Rowling says something about women's rights, start banging on about trans rights. Can we talk about some other people's rights for just two seconds? No, apparently we cannot.

It's your house, you pay bills and you want to house your own children. Fairly simple fix then that the "D"P and his DS need to leave. When "D"P is paying to house his kids, he can get a say in their space.

@MargotBamborough
Bold of you to assume that because this post is about the currently more pressing needs of eldest, that the youngest isn't cared about. My interpretation was that she is mentioned less because she is now finally sorted in her own space, and no one appears to be suggesting she no longer have it. OP wants the 2 boys to share. DP says no.

No, the point is that the OP and her partner made their daughter share a bedroom with her teenage stepbrother (a boy she now wants us to believe is unpleasant and homophobic and has been chucked out of his own mother's house) for years, and there has been nothing in her posts suggesting that she feels any guilt about that or acknowledging how inappropriate it was for both children. That's what I'm talking about.

Everything in her posts is "DS needs this, DS needs that". Only when most people expressed sympathy for the stepson did she start mentioning all his apparent character flaws. Nothing about the DD at all.

The favouritism is truly shocking here. I get that if you have an autistic child your whole life might become all about them and their needs, but who brings another child into that situation, only to completely ignore that other child and their needs?

The drip feed about the partner not contributing financially is pretty shocking too. I was starting to wonder how it can be that the OP was apparently able to afford this house on her own as a single mother 14 years ago, but could never afford to move somewhere bigger even when there was another adult living there full time. I assumed the OP must have given up work or something. But it sounds like, unless her partner has never worked and only gets a minimal amount of benefits which he uses to do a food shop once a month, they could actually pool their resources and move somewhere bigger. So why didn't they?

All the adults involved in this situation appear to have made some very questionable decisions and the children have suffered as a result. But the two who appear to have suffered the most are the stepson and the daughter, whose needs have been bottom of the list of priorities throughout.

If the partner has never contributed financially then the OP is within her rights to ask him and his son to leave, and then she will have enough space for herself, her son and her daughter (assuming the daughter wants to stay). But that would involve making a 16 year old homeless during his A-levels and breaking up her daughter's family just as she hits her teenage years, so again, the same two children would bear the brunt of that decision.

Otherwise, the only options are to support her son to live elsewhere, or force her partner to contribute more financially so they can move to a house which is big enough for all of them.

On the DP threatening the DS, let's look back at what the OP actually said:

This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

Basically the DP has told the DS not to assault his girlfriend and threatened violence if he does. Which I don't really agree with but the OP doesn't seem to care at all that her son may be physically abusive to his girlfriend... feels like this is another thing that it's not great that the DD is around

This thread reminds me why I'm always sceptical of "blended families." So often they seem to put adult "wants" before children's needs.

Even NT kids need consistency and stability in their lives, autistic young people so much more so.

I'm quite surprised that you would think moving in with a girlfriend and her family would be a permanent solution for your vulnerable son and actually encouraged this; how many 20-year-old's relationships actually last? Add your son's autism into the mix and it seems naive at best. No-one his age should end up being reliant on a transient relationship in order to have a roof over their head.

Lots of ignorance about autism on this thread as well. I'm sure the OP's son has loads of potential and can go on to have a successful career and lead a full life. But he needs extra support in order to do so, more than your average 20 year old.

Now it's time to prioritise all three kids. Your son needs his own space to decompress and retreat to when overwhelmed. Your step-son also needs his own space - these boys are not related and one of them has special needs which make him challenging to share a space with, through no fault of his own. Sharing with a girl at that age is also not acceptable. And obviously your daughter is too old to share with a boy and has reached an age where she needs more privacy.

How you manage this I don't know, but it is a problem you and DP created so your responsibility to solve, not your children's.

I just really wish single parents thinking of moving a partner in (or moving in with a partner) would think more about the impact on their kids as they should always be the priority.

I agree and I'm a lone parent. People will moan and say "are single parents not allowed happiness" and I think actually, no, not if it's at the detriment of your kids. Learn to be happy single, or at least if you want a relationship, don't live together. It's not a life necessity.