To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

So often they seem to put adult "wants" before children's needs.

Absolutely this, @AlwaysHeadingWest.

I have two children of the opposite sex and live in a three bedroom flat. I am married to my children's father.

I would love a third baby, and if we did have a third baby it would be the same sex as one of its siblings and able to share a bedroom. But I don't think it would be fair to have another child when we don't have enough bedrooms for them each to have their own, we can't afford to move house, we are already tired and working hard, and it would mean splitting our time and energy and money three ways rather than two.

So as much as I would love another, we won't be having one.

If my husband and I split up and I got together with a new partner, particularly one who already had a child of his own, all that would be multiplied by about a hundred.

OK

So I think it’s time DP and his homophobic wind up merchant son moved out.

DP and son moving out would obviously solve the problem.

It's the most expensive solution of the lot though. It'll be interesting to see what DP's next move is if you raise that as an option/threat though.

This all feels a bit chaotic like you're lurching from one issue to another. No matter what DSS has done he is only 16, and he's grown up a lot since he moved out of his mum's. Your son's moving out into his GF's mum's house was never likely to be permanent. Ideally you'd want some ground rules to give both boys some space (eg one has a games system in your room daytimes) but I'm not sure that sort of structure is going to work here.

I hope you’ve talked to your son about how unacceptable it is to use violence. Too bad him and his girlfriend got back together frankly, sounds very toxic.

A lot of people seem to be ignoring the fact that the DD is the child of the OP and her DP, making the OP’s SS the half brother of her DD - not step brother.

All of you gleefully suggesting the OP kick out her DP and SS - how do you think her DD would feel at seeing her father and half brother kicked out of their home, and her family broken up? She may well prefer to go with them than to stay with her mother and her other half brother who sounds like a nightmare to live with, even if that isn’t entirely his fault.

I don't think there is a simple solution. The only thing that is fair for all the children is for them to have a room each and you sleep downstairs. Or maybe putting a caravan or garden room outside. Or your partner move out but imagine that's more expensive than renting a bigger house.

@Lydiala not gleeful at all. Just in response to OP saying she would be willing to split up with her partner of 14 years and father of her child over it.

It all feels a bit chaotic and reactionary. Pressures of being crammed in compounding blended family issues, it's not easy.

I think you and dp need to agree a longterm plan for all dc.

DS will likely need a room in your home longish term. Maybe not, but it is reasonable to expect that moving out and living independently make take a much longer time than expected, or he may move out and return repeatedly. It sounds like you want to make that commitment to ds and your dp does not. If so, that is game over for a relationship, either the one with your ds or the one with your dp.

It seems that ss is the only person in this scenario with another home to go to. He is currently living in his Dad's partner's home, in her son's room. He can go home to Mum.

DD needs her own room.

@MargotBamborough

The OP when a single mum with a disabled child was taken advantage of by a freeloading gobshite who is still resident in the home and dictating what goes on within it, despite financially contributing nothing except a bit of food.

I would be surprised if it’s known he lives there as the tenancy is still in OP’s name only. And she will have no way of applying for somewhere for DS on the basis of an overcrowded house because on paper it probably says there’s only her, DD and DS present in the house.

The waste of space, passive aggressive partner and his son need to go.

I doubt OP had much of a say in DD having to share a room, the cocklodger has her downtrodden.

The drip feed about the partner not contributing financially is pretty shocking too. I was starting to wonder how it can be that the OP was apparently able to afford this house on her own as a single mother 14 years ago, but could never afford to move somewhere bigger even when there was another adult living there full time. I assumed the OP must have given up work or something. But it sounds like, unless her partner has never worked and only gets a minimal amount of benefits which he uses to do a food shop once a month, they could actually pool their resources and move somewhere bigger. So why didn't they?

Single mothers of disabled children, even if they don’t work or only work part time, can be on the equivalent of a teachers salary.

If she married the DP or had him contributing to housing and utilities then her income could be cut by about two thirds (if she is dependent on any benefits like tax credits, housing benefit, UC etc).

If this is the case, for them to move they would both have to work full time ++ and probably upskill too to have comparable income. And that isn’t always easy with three dependents one of whom is special needs.

And it still strikes me DP would not be enthused about bringing home the bacon.

This 100%.

The DS didn't come home (directly) because he's not coping, though this is the narrative some posters are putting on it. His mental health issues started 6 months ago and where been supported by the girlfriend and her family. He was kicked out of their home because he assaulted the girlfriend.

I don't condone the threat, but good men should tell other men that violence against there partner is not OK. Your DH has rightly taken a very dim view of this, which is maybe why he's not keen to role out the red carpet

Right, so your solution is that the OP makes a 16 year old homeless during his A-levels and chucks her daughter's father out just as she hits her teenage years.

The partner may or may not be a freeloading cocklodger, but that isn't the fault of either the stepson or their daughter.

Do you have a proposed solution which DOESN'T involve, yet again, putting the OP's adult sons' needs above those of the other two children?

If not you're just proving my point for me.

The 16 year old SS has a home available with his mother, if only he can cut out being vile and homophobic to his sibling who lives there.

Seriously, it's absolutely disgusting to suggest chucking him out of his home, where he lives with his father, near his school, just because his adult stepbrother has decided that actually he can't live with his girlfriend after all!

If his behaviour is bad (which we can by no means take for granted), maybe it has something to do with the fact that his parents separated when he was a baby and he's been shoved from pillar to post ever since. How do you think being rejected by both parents by the age of 16 is likely to go down for him?

@MargotBamborough

So you’re one of these people who believes that women should continue in dysfunctional, abusive relationships “for the sake of the children”…. Even when the children have all clearly been harmed due to this relationship. It’s not the Walton’s is it.

Also, you keep going on about the 16 year old doing A levels which is a middle to upper class view. The OP hadn’t said anything about A levels. He could be finishing up with school and going out to work.

If her son ends up committing suicide that is not going to be particularly helpful for his sister either now is it?! That is what I see as the major danger here and there is very real risk of it.

My solution is as follows

a) give the children each a bedroom and parents sleep on sofa
b) if DP objects then get his ex to step up and take their son for a short period of time until housing is sorted for older boy
c) sort housing for the older boy

C could be tricky if she is in a social house and her tenancy was given on the basis of having the disabled dependent. If he officially moves out then they might say she needs to move to a smaller 2 bed for her and the daughter which would totally screw them. Or she admits the partner/SS are there and they need rehoused but then her benefits are cut drastically.

Personally, If it were me I’d be thinking about retaining financial and physical security for my two biological children and keeping them alive.

I have only skim read the thread but I cannot believe that hardly anyone including the op has addressed her son pushing his girlfriend. I think it's highly unlikely that it is made up.

Op if your son was functioning well enough that you allowed him to move out, he certainly has the capacity to learn not to be violent to his partner. I would work on that before anything else.

It would also be hugely unfair to force one of the other 2 children living in the home out of their rooms because your son can't keep his hands to himself.

I have to say I totally agree with what DP said re. shoving his girlfriend! In fact I think we need more men like DP who are willing and able to set other men straight on these things.

With that in mind, and the fact you have DD living at home, is it any wonder your DP doesn’t want him back? I wouldn’t in his shoes either.

@MargotBamborough

You’re saying again that the SS is liable to suffer hardship just because his adult stepbrother has decided that actually he can't live with his girlfriend after all!

AGAIN

The DS has autism which is a neurodevelopmental disability and he has the developmental capacity of a 16 year old child - as his mother has attested to.

He has been bullied out of his him by OP’s waster of a DP and ghastly SS who is so unpleasant that his own mother doesn’t want him in the house.

OP’s son is now so unwell because of this that he is incapable of work and liable to be ill/benefit dependent for some time.

So AGAIN this is not a typical 20 year old bloke who cannot be arsed being independent.

This is a vulnerable, disabled adult who is being put at risk by this entire situation.

It is OP’s house and she has a responsibility to her biological children to protect them.

This boy has two parents who should be looking after him and providing for him. Where the fuck are they?

@SensationalSusie surely having somewhere to sleep for now is at least something? If he works there is a good chance he won’t be there a lot of the time.. OP can’t just expect SS to have no bedroom? It’s shocking your even condoning that.

my stepdaughter has just been diagnosed with autism, where you state what he needs, not all autistic people need this that you have described, with my stepdaughter she just likes to draw to take her mind off things, write stories if she feels stressed and has problems socially with other children (not siblings) as in is very shy and quiet and it takes her a while to form relationships with others..

not every autistic child is the same so please don’t label them as that, if OPs son can work, move in with a girlfriend etc.. I don’t see why suggesting a sofabed for him while he gets back on track and potentially could move back in with his girlfriend why is that such a bad thing?

otherwise OP should try and help him find a flat/somewhere for him to move into if he needs the space etc to be on his own then fair enough.. but SS should not lose the bedroom, OP has other children and to potentially risk them having a split up family is selfish and will show the other children she is putting one child in priority over the others.. all of them deserve to be happy..

@CrazyHedgehogLover

Haven’t you been reading the thread?

OP’s son had a mental health crisis in May and has been on anti-depressants and unable to work since then. He returned to the family home a month ago as he wasn’t having his needs met at GF’s house.

I didn’t suggest SS shouldn’t have a bedroom.

I suggested the OP and her partner give up their bedroom so that all three offspring are accommodated and that they sleep on a sofabed until the DS is well enough and they find accomodation for him or the SS moves out which could be 18m away anyway depending on where he is with school and what his plans are.

I speculated that getting DS socially housed could be tricky depending on what web OP has woven for herself - if there’s an undeclared partner in the house etc.

I am taking it your stepdaughter hasn’t hit her teens or 20s yet? Buckle it could be a bumpy ride.

I am of course not labelling all autistic people in a certain way. I am reading what OP is telling me about her son’s mental health and his general functioning. It’s incredibly clear that he has deteriorated because he wasn’t able to cope. That doesn’t rule things out for the future but he’s incredibly unwell right now.

The dp and his son need to move out .
there was never enough room for the ss to move in ,and as he was causing trouble at home ,it stands to reason he would cause trouble at the next home .
mum really needs to put her kids first
the dp needs to find a home for him and his son
op don’t give up your council house to move somewhere bigger ,the dp needs to go ,he’s not contributing financially as it is ,and he’s being nasty to your son

The DP and SS have no rights over the OP’s property and as a PP said, the SS has taken over her DS’s room when he’s not even related to the OP or her DS.

OP should never have allowed this to happen in first place.

The tenancy is in my name, he does the food shop once a month but apart from that its me.

Why does that not surprise me?

I think it's time for your partner and his son to move out. He's been a cocklodger all these years. Yes, he pays for food, but he eats a good proportion of it!

I wouldn't live with anyone who treated my son like that. His own son sounds awful, too. Tell them they both have to go. It's not as though you can go on your own with your daughter and son, because the tenancy isn't in your partner's name.

Just realised that food shop is every month! FFS, for clarity could you post your costs and his in the home?

He didn't come home because he wasn't getting his needs met, he was kicked out for assaulting his girlfriend. He was hoping he would be allowed back in a few weeks, so must have liked/wanted to live there, and only announced he would be home permanently after meeting the girlfriend and (presumably) been told no.