AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

[Fedupsinglemum]

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

No don't tell them, why upset them like that? Not all adult issues are for children to know about.

You don't have to lie and you don't have to tell them the truth. Let him explain next time he sees them.

I would tell them the truth, but in a child friendly, non judgemental way. I hear of so many mothers 'protecting' their children from arsehole father's.

I think you say, daddy has a poorly tummy. Then you tell him that to console the kids you took them out to dinner and he owes you £40

Daddy is too tired from his party.

I would tell them what he's said, he's too tired to see them. You don't need to get into what someone else says he might be doing instead or why he's tired. I wouldn't lie and say he was working or ill either

Any chance your friend is stirring? You don’t know he’s going out, so you can’t really say that

Just tell him he said he was poorly and they can ask him themselves when they do see him.

Hopefully everyone is helping them to understand that he is not coming back to the family? That won’t help anything

I would go for some version of the truth in a child friendly way.

Daddy has told me he’s too tired today. Now shall we build that Lego/go to the park etc?

I wouldn’t protect him, but I wouldn’t rub in his uselessness to upset the kids either.

They are a bit young to NOT be protected. I am sure your 7 year old is starting to get the measure of his dad, but you can't give them all the gory details at this age. I wouldn't lie to them though. Just say daddy isn't coming, I'm sure he will explain next time.

Sorry you're all going through this. Men who treat their kids like this are scum.

As they’re young I would be inclined to say he’s ill / tired but not mention the party. As shit as he is you don’t want to ruin their self esteem.

in ten years time you won’t need to tell them because they’ll see what he is.

All my single friends with useless ex partners have never had to slag the men off because the kids will always realise when they get to about 11/12.

Being too tired to bother with his children after a party is a crap excuse. I'd be telling them daddy is too tired after a party. It's a crap excuse. It isn't bringing children in to adult issues. Don't run him down but don't big him up or make excuses for him either. He could have changed the arrangement

Daddy is too tired after his party is fine.

If you say he is poorly all the time they will worry, especially your eldest.

I tend to go with a version of the truth my son is 6 & I'd just say daddy's tired he was up late last night & leave it at that,it's true but not as hurtful as saying he had a party or is going out again without you

Agree pretending he is unwell is worse. He's not unwell

No, you don't tell them the truth. That would be too hurtful to them, and they're only little. Bollock him for letting them down.

I know he is going out. Both his and her family are invited and are going.

I am sick of making excuses and protecting him. He has always been a lousy parent but now has taken it to another level. I want to protect my children at all costs but I am tired of dealing with the constant fall back of him going awol, doing bare minimum and lying for him. It just never ends and he prioritises gf and her family over and over and over.

They’ll work it out themselves when they are older that he’s an arsewipe. In the meantime I wouldn’t purposely upset them and make them feel like he doesn’t care, there’s no need.

I would just say daddy is too tired. But why do they think he’s coming back?

Just say not today and you're not sure why

I'd tell them their dad will explain next time they see him.

DCs were told the truth that he isn't coming back. Its been a year and they occasionally still say they want their dad back and ask him if he will come back. Rather than say the truth he will say things like oh not at the moment, or maybe one day, or I cannot say for now buy maybe in the future. He literally undoes all my work of calming them down and getting them to understand what is happening with one sentence and then I am back to square one with them thinking there is hope he will come back.

I wouldn’t tell them
Text just say kids are disappointed what do I tell kids
your tried or your out with friends and family for a meal
kids aren’t anymore upset than them already are and he knows that you know he’s lying

Personally I'd ring him and say he needs to explain why he isn't seeing them. Why should you be the one to tell them he is letting them down?
I'd also immediately shut down his bullshit toying with them, making them believe there is a chance he will return is just cruel.

You could tell them he isn't coming back because you don't want him back? Would that help? It seems like you're giving him the power here, in their eyes, of whether you reconcile or not but it also sounds like you wouldn't want to! So maybe be clear about that?

Also, I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't tell them about the meal either. "Daddy says he is too tired to see you today" will cover it and allow for the fact he's lying.

This is good advice.