AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

[Fedupsinglemum]

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

His behaviour is crap but yours would be just as bad if you told them the truth. You want to tell them to get back at him, not cause it’s the best thing for (very young) children to hear.

My therapist told me to not slag off their dad, but also not to cover up for him. I was covering up for him all the time, and I don't any more.

In future ask him to speak to the kids himself and explain. Such a coward to get you to break the bad news.

If its a one off i wouldnt say anything..i would text ex and say considering youre not coming to take them shopping i will have to but send me some money to take them because you were supposed to be taking them, i dont want them feeling dejected.

Well done OP. Glad you had a great day.

Is there a counsellor you can access through school or similar to work out a good way of dealing with him leading them on about possibly coming back? That is really going to mess with their heads and I’d be trying to find a way to counteract that

I agree with those who say to stay schtum and let him explain himself.

And from your brief op I would say that in the past you didn’t lie to protect him but to protect your DCs. You sound like a lovely mum.

Let him tell them. Eventually they will recognise that he is an unreliable arsehold!

You need to go middle ground here I think. Do not cover for him……ever. Let him explain to them directly why he lets them down. Yes he won’t tell a word of the truth etc but they eventually will twig he is a waste of oxygen. If you cover for him you risk being seen a liar and losing their trust, but also they will build up expectations of him for longer.
Yes the worst thing you can do to DC is slag him off, however it’s not slagging him off to state the truth from time to time. In this circumstance I don’t think I would tell them the truth I would hand it over to him to explain. You can’t protect them forever and the older they are the harder it will be for them to process this.

For everyone saying let him explain, he lies OP already said he lies and she ends up calling him out about it infront of the children which is WAY more damaging than telling a child the truth (in a kind way) you cannot and should not lie gor your ex it gives the child a false sense of the other parent they will be blissfully ignorant to the fact that he is a pointless twat who constantly let's his children down they will expect the lie they have been told and its devastating to learn all at once that it's untrue they will then blame BOTH parents for this

Just be truthful not hurtful, "daddy has made other plans today" not daddy hates being with you or daddy would rather get pissed than spend time with you simple truths children can deal with those and move on

Me and my husband (soon to be ex) separated just over a year ago!
we separated on reasonably good terms, had an outing, a meal out before he left, I ran him to the train station, daughter waved him off….. he promised daughter he’d train down at least once a month to see her and I agreed he could sleep in the spare room on these visits.
14 months on, he’s been down once, for one day!!!! Had made no plans or thought about what they could do and he suggested ‘walking the dogs!!’…. I arranged for them to go bowling together and suggested he took her for lunch somewhere after….. so they did that then he suggested watching the newly released film avatar…. Had to scrap that due to anyone with half a brain pre booking (no seats left)…
She started seniors weeks after he left, was also diagnosed with a chronic health condition about a year before he left… so as a result she’s had a really turbulent year 7 and has really struggled with school - not the work but more so the building friendships and trusting people. (There’s more to that!)
Anyway she’s gone into year 8, is doing much much better and is finally not anxious every morning!! BUT her Dad just seems completely detached!…. Daughter asked me last night if I’d heard from him lately…. I haven’t… she said she hasn’t had a text from him in over a week!!
about 2 weeks ago he messaged me on messenger and seeing he’d changed his profile pic, to what I could see was someone stood with him, I assumed it was our daughter (an old pic) but it was a new girlfriend…. Fine, not bothered in the slightest…. But clearly this is the reason he’s not bothered to come and see his DD!!…. I find it really sad men do this…. I don’t care that he has a gf, I wouldn’t even care if he’s been seeing her / talking to her before he left, we were over years ago…. BUT I do care that he’s ditched our daughter and makes her feel so unwanted!…..
She has now said that she doesn’t want to see him again, isn’t interested in him and only responds to texts to be polite.
how sad!!
God I hate men that can just walk away and shrug their responsibilities of their child(ren)!!

To cancel seeing your kids for a meal out is disgraceful. I wouldn’t tell the kids but I’d make damn sure he knew that I knew he’d ditched seeing his kids and celebrating his birthday with them for yet another adult only celebration!! As for his lies…. I was also worried my ex would be telling people he hasn’t seen our DD because of me…. However I laid in bed the other night and thought, I don’t actually care what he tells his friends and family…. I know the truth, my loved ones know the truth and more importantly my DD knows the truth…. If these men have to lie to make themselves feel better then so be it! They know the truth - and they know deep down that they’ve failed as a father and a decent human being !!

This!

I tell my daughter that her father loves her, but that he has issues with affection … his family have never even bothered to meet our DD who turns thirteen soon…. So I use that as an example of how he’s inherited a gene that means he’s fine with only seeing her once a year and is happy to just text about the weather and nothing personal - really deep down I’m thinking what a useless twat he is!!

He's an arse op, and it sucks that you're the one left dealing with his fallout. But your kids are still wee. I would be trying to protect them from the inevitable feeling that their dad doesn't want to see them or prioritise them because that will lead to them questioning why and what about them made him not want to spend time with them. They don't deserve that even though its his doing.

I'd say that he isn't feeling well/ is very tired and let them gradually come to their own conclusion that he isn't stepping up in their lives. If you start opening their eyes too young it could really affect their self esteem so I'd wait until they're a bit older and able to understand that it's on him.

You aren’t protecting him, you are protecting them. They will get older and either he will get better or they will see it for themselves.

this is a terrible suggestion and will upset the children more than anyone else.

It’s not his gfs responsibility to make him
parent his children.

@Whyohwhywyoming

No, it is not his girlfriends responsibility at all but as a good partner, one would expect a woman who is a mother herself to encourage his relationship with his children rather than set him up with a curfew. This whole situation is a shitshow.

Tell the truth but in a child friendly way. Don’t lie for a poor parent. Just say daddy is tired. That was his reason (excuse) so let them hear it. Then move on. No need to say he’s going out for a meal on top of that (you have a go at him for that).

let’s be honest. He can’t be bothered with his children today (don’t tell them that)

i think I’d do this too. take them to where he’s gone, you weren’t to know he would be there. He can then explain to them that he was ‘tired’

Big hugs, its so difficult having to cover for a full grown adult when you don't necessarily like them! Its so easy to slip up and have little digs and hint drops thinking they won't notice - they will! Don't fall into the trap of being THAT parent who gets accused of 'poisoning' the children against their Dad - regardless of what's happened between the 2 of you, and how easy it would be to 'educate' your children, he's still their Dad and they still hero worship him right now .

Just think back to the playground when kid 1 tells kid 2 in anger or bullying or whatever 'your mum smells' or 'your dad is fat' and how viscerally kid 2 reacts to this because that's THEIR parent and the idea that anyone else can say something so horrid is about the hardest and worst thing you can do to them? now imagine its the only other person on the planet you feel the same way about saying it.

Don't be the one to educate them that he isn't a hero at all, just be ready to talk them through it when they're older and wise up to his character and right now is not that time.

@Whyohwhywyoming

Wow you're really invested in the dad. You sure you're not the girlfriend? 😆

Write it down. Keep a log of when he stands up your daughters.

I think you should have a word with him to advocate for your children's wellbeing and prioritising.

You should tell them that it was his decision.

I'd probably stop seeing my x. Don't make plans where he can let them down.

As a child of divorce, with a father who made constant promises he couldn’t (be arsed) to keep let me share my experience.
My mum was there when he let me down, picked up the pieces every time when I was waiting by the window with my coat and shoes on. She was never harsh about him to me, but validated my feelings whenever I expressed them. As I was a child I gave him more chances than he deserved, but finally cut him out of my life aged 15 and haven’t spoken to him since.
I then struggled with my self worth as I felt for a long time that his disinterest was a reflection on me - I wish that somebody had stepped in and filtered the information rather than allowing him to hype me up only to let me down.
As much as they are children right now, they are already going to be trying to understand why he doesn’t come for them. I’m glad my mum stayed classy as I think teenage me would have resented her.
I think the question I would ask myself in this situation is will it benefit the children to know this? Do they feel any better about him not coming if they know exactly why? Be sure this isn’t coming from a place of “I’m telling them because I want them to be annoyed with ExH because he has let them down.”

I hear this. My daughter is 10 and over the last couple of years I’ve stopped with the excuses…. I told her lots of lies to protect her but I realised that actually it’s just giving her a higher platform to fall from. I worry every day about how she might internalise his ‘not-botheredness’ …. I often tell her that her dad really does love her a lot but some adults find it hard to think about how kids might feel about disappointments…. It makes me really angry as a mum, as everything in my life has to revolve around her as the priority, hopefully that’s enough to I still self worth but it’s a lot of pressure, to be the one that can’t let her down because the other parent does so frequently….

It’s such a hard situation and there’s really no perfect way to deal with it. Now I have a child of my own, I can’t really comprehend how he could just choose other thing over me so consistently.
I saw a few therapists from 18-24 and came to terms with what happened and why it wasn’t my fault, but if you have the funds and begin to feel like your daughter is feeling it could be something to do with her, I would definitely be tempted to go to speak with somebody earlier. You don’t have to have a massive problem for them to adjust your thinking and help you to be a happier person, and it really sets a precedent that mental health is an important aspect of self care to be maintained!