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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

151 replies

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 12:51

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

OP posts:
Neighbours87 · 17/09/2023 13:22

That’s infuriating OP he sounds like a selfish prick. If you know where the dinner is I’d drop the kids off with him there. If he complains “oh I thought you were joking who wouldn’t want to share their bday with the kids. Anyway I’ve plans bye “

familyissues12345 · 17/09/2023 13:25

I'd lie to protect the children's feelings. I spent a long time lying, until DS was about 12 and I stopped as it became blatantly obvious he knew what was going on.

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 13:25

I would tell them he has a girlfriend, that will stop him undoing the good work every time with his bullshit answers.

moose62 · 17/09/2023 13:27

My sister spent years protecting her nasty, useless exH, not her his benefit but to protect her DC. They always blamed her until one day she just told them the truth!
It would have been better to do so in the first place as the children won't get hurt by exH not turning up and letting them down. Then you can manage their expectations and take them elsewhere instead.

Thementalloadisreal · 17/09/2023 13:27

Don’t tell them, they’re very young, protect them from what will upset them for now. As they grow they’ll figure it out anyway and you can begin tell them the truth about him and his behaviour (assuming he continues to let them down) as they mature. When they’re teens and can make their own minds up about him.

Sunandnomoon · 17/09/2023 13:36

as others have said you don’t have to lie and you don’t have to give them the unvarnished truth. My ex is the same and I won’t lie for him. It’s not protecting your kids, it’s protecting your ex. My ex cancelled to go play golf and I told them that.

AuntieStella · 17/09/2023 13:37

I wouldn't actively lie for him. But nor would I drop him in it (tempting though that is) because DC should never be caught in the middle

So in these circs, I would say that I'd had a call to say DDad isn't coming because he's too tired (exactly the message that he gave you) and then if they ask why, you say they'll have to ask him, because you don't know.

And always put the onus on explanations on him. Because this isn't a one-off, is it? From now on, you're always not sure, or perhaps he did say something but you've forgotten, and suggest they should ask him.

Plus have a list of things as long as your arm for things they can do instead of seeing him when he lets them down. Your role here is to be the parent they can rely on, who never says a word against their father no matter how flaky he gets.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 13:43

Going forward, I would (if possible) stop telling them when he's due to come so they're not waiting and then getting let down.

Original poster
Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 13:49

He told them last week he will see them on Sunday and will go shopping and dinner. They woke up asking is it Sunday? When is dad coming? I said I don't know yet. Then got the call so posted here to see what to say. He promised to buy them things and now they are asking if he is not coming, can I take them instead. Do I?

OP posts:
andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 13:50

I would absolutely take them.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/09/2023 13:55

They are too young for full truth, but equally you can't keep reinforcing this idealistic view of dad as they will have a harder bump to reality later.

I agree with age appropriate truth then distract. "It is Sunday but dad called and said he's too tired to come over. Now go pop your shoes on, we're going out for ice cream" or something similar. Be prepared that they might be upset and you may need to delay going out while they deal with it. If he does this a lot I'd look at getting them some early therapy intervention before they hit teenage stage.

NIparty · 17/09/2023 13:56

Yes, I would take them if you can afford it. They'll remember you taking them, and their dad not. I wouldn't tell them the whole truth, but I wouldn't lie to them either - thats protecting them. "Daddy has phoned to say he's too tired, but I'll take you let's go." I never talk bad about my kids' father to them, but always tell them a gentle child friendly version of the truth without all the gory details - just matter of fact - then distract them with something fun. My eldest is 12 now and sees for herself who he is. It's his loss.

Kidsandcat · 17/09/2023 13:59

Everytime he cancels, he should explain to them on the phone why. It's not fair for you to have to make excuses.

Conkersinautumn · 17/09/2023 14:00

They're old.enough for him to be explaining to THEM where the fuck he is pissing away his time with them. I'd be putting the feckless arsehole on the phone with the kids, it's their right yo access hes not giving two shits about.

Evaka · 17/09/2023 14:00

I'm really sorry OP. What a piece of shit. Agree it's better to protect them for now, they'll wise up to his useless ways in time. Take them today if you can and hit him for the cost. I'm manifesting a case of screaming diarrhea for him if that helps.

towriteyoumustlive · 17/09/2023 14:01

I'd take them out if you can afford to!

Do you know what reataurant he's going to? Message him and tell him you're sorry to hear he is too tired to see his kids, you hope he has a nice rest, and you're taking them out for a meal instead to X restaurant.

See if he squirms! 🤣🤣

Obviously don't really take them to the restaurant he will be at! Shopping is fine!

ASuitableName · 17/09/2023 14:01

As your exDH’s milestone birthday apparently warrants three celebrations in a week, can we assume that it’s an amazing milestone that few people reach? Is all this just an excuse to show off his telegram from the King?
If so, I can understand why he’s too tired to see his young children.

ruffler45 · 17/09/2023 14:02

Nice to see he has got his priorities right!! What a !

SunDaughter · 17/09/2023 14:02

Tell the truth but in an age appropriate way. My mom used to lie about my dad but it felt like she was constantly dangling this carrot in front of me for years that one day he'd have time for me. It made me into a really angry teenager. Don't dangle that carrot. It's more cruel than the truth.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/09/2023 14:03

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 17/09/2023 13:15

Personally I'd ring him and say he needs to explain why he isn't seeing them. Why should you be the one to tell them he is letting them down?
I'd also immediately shut down his bullshit toying with them, making them believe there is a chance he will return is just cruel.

I agree with this.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 14:04

towriteyoumustlive · 17/09/2023 14:01

I'd take them out if you can afford to!

Do you know what reataurant he's going to? Message him and tell him you're sorry to hear he is too tired to see his kids, you hope he has a nice rest, and you're taking them out for a meal instead to X restaurant.

See if he squirms! 🤣🤣

Obviously don't really take them to the restaurant he will be at! Shopping is fine!

Edited

Ooh, I like this Grin

LolaSmiles · 17/09/2023 14:09

His toying with their feelings and dangling the hope he might come back is awful. Cynically I wonder if he does it because he feels that is some leverage he has with them to keep them engaged.

On missing his time with his children, I'd not lie for him but wouldn't divulge all the details. "daddy had a party last night and has said he is too tired to see you" is enough. They'll quickly work out that only pathetic deadbeat fathers decide they're too tired to see their children.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/09/2023 14:09

Agree with telling them dad says he's too tired so I am going to do xyz with you.

Next time he rings "hang on I'm putting you on speakerphone so you can talk to them".
Let him do his own dirty work.

You don't want them asking why you lied to them when they are older. They need one parent they can rely on.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/09/2023 14:09

Thing is, yes it would be good for him to have to explain to kids why he isn't coming. But OP has said he lies to them when they ask when he's coming back etc. She could say fine you need to explain but then he could make up any old bullshit about being really ill and how he really was looking forward to it. Could well promise to make it up to them next weekend then not show up yet again!

It seems he has no issues making promises to them and not keeping them, by putting him on the phone OP can't force him not to make these promises, and just sets the kids up for further disappointment. She is regretfully better off dealing with it herself in a way that stops him making the situation worse.

Theunamedcat · 17/09/2023 14:10

In the kindest way don't lie for him they will always have a rosey view of him if he is always "poor daddy" just explain he has got other plans today and will see them soon if he kicks off over it you can say your not going to lie to make him look better its not like the kids just showed up yesterday he has known he was a father for years