Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

151 replies

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 12:51

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

OP posts:
Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 17/09/2023 16:57

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 13:03

I know he is going out. Both his and her family are invited and are going.

I am sick of making excuses and protecting him. He has always been a lousy parent but now has taken it to another level. I want to protect my children at all costs but I am tired of dealing with the constant fall back of him going awol, doing bare minimum and lying for him. It just never ends and he prioritises gf and her family over and over and over.

Tell them he’s too tired “shall we go out to dinner instead” - and book a table wherever he’s going.
You weren’t to know he was going there - he’s tired.

LuckyPeonies · 17/09/2023 17:07

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 17/09/2023 16:57

Tell them he’s too tired “shall we go out to dinner instead” - and book a table wherever he’s going.
You weren’t to know he was going there - he’s tired.

Show quote history

Oooh, that’s brilliant! 👏🏻

KajsaKavat · 17/09/2023 17:10

No you can’t tell them.

Orquid · 17/09/2023 17:11

AppleKatie · 17/09/2023 12:57

I would go for some version of the truth in a child friendly way.

Daddy has told me he’s too tired today. Now shall we build that Lego/go to the park etc?

I wouldn’t protect him, but I wouldn’t rub in his uselessness to upset the kids either.

Good one

Freezingcoldinseptember · 17/09/2023 17:14

Imo if her dc are grown-ups then having small people back in her life won't make her get up and applaud....
Adding dc to a new relationship isn't hearts and flowers!!

Whiskeypowers · 17/09/2023 17:16

Whatever you say or do will be held against you and used as children repeat things.
personally I think anything about breaking promises is gold dust for a crap parent as it gives them something to go to town on.

if it were me I would just say Dad has told me he isn’t going to be coming to collect you today. If they ask I would say “I don’t know, but perhaps next time he sees you you can ask him to tell you”

the idea of deliberately going to a restaurant with them when you know he will be there is simply awful.

as for him stringing them along and being evasive about his future and whether he will be coming back, well that is just appalling and you should do everything in your power to appropriately set the record straight.

BerfyTigot · 17/09/2023 17:21

It backfired for me - covered for my DH for years, really thought I was doing the right thing.
They're now teens and think he's an amazing dad. They've forgotten what he was like. And I've ended up feeling like shit.

Batalax · 17/09/2023 17:54

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 15:54

Thank you - I think it's a shame that mothers feel they have to put so much effort into keeping up the pretence and I'm not sure it's good for the kids - if their dad is wonderful, why isn't he interested in them? The problem must be with them, right, otherwise this wonderful dad would want to be with them? Far better to understand, in a child-appropriate way, that dad isn't perfect and has his issues which might make him behave in ways that make them sad sometimes, and it's ok to be sad and talk about it. Promise-keeping/breaking is a good one as there are lots of discussions that can be had around why we should keep promises, why we might break them sometimes and how that makes others feel.

Show quote history

Good advice.

AInightingale · 17/09/2023 18:47

Could anyone imagine a divorced mother behaving like this? I daresay there are some women who don't have custody who behave appallingly, but it seems to be the norm with many divorced men. They 'move on', they become born again bachelors, and no-one but their pissed off ex wives and disappointed children seem to think any the worse of them. The bar for being a decent parent is very, very low for men.

OP, your kids are still very young and you need more support and breaks from them. Your ex h seeing them once a fortnight or whenever he feels like it just isn't enough. Have you seen a solicitor to work out a joint parenting arrangement, because just paying maintenance isn't enough, for you or the kids.

Sorry I am venting a bit, my ex did EXACTLY the same today!

Original poster
Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 18:47

Thank you all. Some amazing advice here. I had explained in a nice way with a light bit of truth that dad is not coming today as he is too tired after going out last night. If I tell DCs to ask him he will just lie and cover himself up with work or being sick which would then lead to me having to step in and call him out fully in front of the children and I don't want to do that. He has always been a liar. I do wonder what lie he told his family but I don't want to ask as it will cause more arguments. On the positive I took them out shopping and we went for massive desserts with all the toppings they wanted so had a great day.

OP posts:
SunDaughter · 17/09/2023 19:50

@Fedupsinglemum

If it makes you feel any better some of our "fuck-dad" outings (as we started to call them when I became an older teen) are some of my favourite mother daughter memories with my mom. After awhile we didn't wait for him to not show up. We just stared planning on them on our own and did them because we looked forward to them. ☺️

Mari9999 · 17/09/2023 19:52

@Fedupsinglemum
Why bother pointing out to your children when you think that he is lying particularly about relatively insignificant things? You are not dad's truth patrol, and your children will soon enough figure out both his relationship with them and his relationship with the truth.

Be mindful that they may or may not experience him and think of him in the same way that you do. What you experience as dad lying or playing fast and loose with the truth, they may just write off as " just dad being dad." In fact they may somewhat resent being forced to face truths that they were willing to overlook.

Just let them know that your feelings and relationship with them is separate from and not tied to dad's relationship with them, but that what you share with dad is the unconditional love that you both have for them.

If you do that, your children will be the winners.

Sunandnomoon · 17/09/2023 23:01

You sound like a good mum OP. My ex pays the minimum fixed to by CMS and sees them once a fortnight. They’re already pretty indifferent to him and don’t have a close bond. I think once they’re older they’ll only see him at Christmas and on birthdays, if even that. The way your ex is treating you all is not fair on you or your children, but just remember that you’ll have a close relationship with your children their whole lives and he won’t. It really is his loss.

Pollyputhekettleon · 17/09/2023 23:05

Mari9999 · 17/09/2023 19:52

@Fedupsinglemum
Why bother pointing out to your children when you think that he is lying particularly about relatively insignificant things? You are not dad's truth patrol, and your children will soon enough figure out both his relationship with them and his relationship with the truth.

Be mindful that they may or may not experience him and think of him in the same way that you do. What you experience as dad lying or playing fast and loose with the truth, they may just write off as " just dad being dad." In fact they may somewhat resent being forced to face truths that they were willing to overlook.

Just let them know that your feelings and relationship with them is separate from and not tied to dad's relationship with them, but that what you share with dad is the unconditional love that you both have for them.

If you do that, your children will be the winners.

Why are you assuming he loves them unconditionally? That's a very strange assumption to make given his behaviour to them throughout their lives. I'd say he seems to love them a lot less than his girlfriend and his bachelor life.

Damnedidont · 18/09/2023 18:53

Why is lying by omission and building a golden image of a parent who is likely to let them down in the future as well as now somehow protecting them??
Tell them the truth - gently as possible and stressing that his behaviours reflect only on him. But speaking as the adult who made a number of disastrous decisions relying on a man who everyone else knew was a waste of space I can tell you how bloody angry I was to be "protected"!

nomadmummy · 18/09/2023 20:08

In this case you should ask him to tell his children why.

ThreeLocusts · 18/09/2023 20:17

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 13:09

DCs were told the truth that he isn't coming back. Its been a year and they occasionally still say they want their dad back and ask him if he will come back. Rather than say the truth he will say things like oh not at the moment, or maybe one day, or I cannot say for now buy maybe in the future. He literally undoes all my work of calming them down and getting them to understand what is happening with one sentence and then I am back to square one with them thinking there is hope he will come back.

This is incredibly cruel, keeping them guessing and hoping like that, stopping them from moving on. Lazy, opportunistic and spineless too.

Glad you could save the day OP and sorry you're dealing with such an utter shithead.

Nyata · 18/09/2023 21:13

😂😂

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 18/09/2023 21:32

If it’s a one off , just say he can’t come today.
They don’t need a detailed explanation.

sgtmajormum · 18/09/2023 21:40

I would just say dad isn't coming today. If they ask why not, just say you don't know. Don't make excuses but also don't slag him off. They are very young still. Once they are older they will work it out themselves

My boys went through the same. They know their dad is a useless manchild.
He celebrated a big birthday this year. I asked them what they wanted to get for their dad and they said why bother mum. They were right. He fecked off to play golf and didn't bother replying to them asking when would be good to pop over to give him a card and cake.
So we posted the cards through the letterbox and then we ate his cake 😋

Bignanny30 · 18/09/2023 22:16

You’re not lying ‘for him’ you’re lying for your children. They don’t need to think they come second best by one of their parents. You don’t want them hurt like that. If he continues this behaviour, then they’ll realise when they’re older. That’s what happened with mine. But don’t tell them and hurt them any more than they probably are anyway by him cancelling on them.

Kazzy3200 · 18/09/2023 22:43

I lied to my children, covering for their father. I eventually stopped and they worked it out.

MermaidMummy06 · 18/09/2023 23:23

Don't lie, but be gentle. They'll work it out anyway & need to know they have one parent they can trust.

I know two fathers - one friend, one family, who I have watched prioritise their selfish lifestyle or new wife & kids over their first marriage kids. One ignored them & left his new wife to deal with them (tbf he's doing the same with his new bio kids because he's a selfish manchild ar*sehole).

Both now whine that the now grown DC never visit or respond to texts - unless they want money. They blame the exes, of course. Who tell them well, you reap what you sow!

Dingdong90 · 19/09/2023 20:45

You lie to protect your 7 and 5 year old. They are too young and to tell them the truth would upset them needlessly imo

Kwasi · 20/09/2023 06:51

Freezingcoldinseptember · 17/09/2023 12:55

Daddy is too tired from his party.

THIS! Don’t cover up for a man who’s too tired from partying to have his kids celebrate his birthday with him.

This is the truth as he told you. These are his words and you should pass them on. I wouldn’t mention anything about the meal, as he didn’t tell you that himself.