AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

[Fedupsinglemum]

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

Don't lie, just say daddy had a late night last night and he has said he is too tired.

And as for making the kids believe he will come back.... does he think he will be allowed to come back and wants to come back when he's finished his fun... maybe that's what he thinks will happen.

@Fedupsinglemum
Why are you trying to manage your children's expectations or relationship with their father?
Let him provide his own explanation for his absence; your children will discern on their own what they think of him and his relationship with the truth. This may be a painful learning process, but it is not one into which you should interject yourself.You can be available for support if requested or needed.

You may be surprised how children will love an errant parent and forgive a lot if failings. They have the ability to forgive a lot of things because they see the love that comes along with the faults. For the more responsible parent, this sometimes can be hard to see and accept.

His actions mean you must be the adult they can rely on.

So tell them an age appropriate version of the truth, daddy is going somewhere with his mummy and daddy, and take them out for a couple of hours.

I have told them the partial truth, dad called he is too tired as he had late night and he won't be coming today. They have obviously questioned why and I told them to ask their dad when they next see him. Very disappointed they cannot give him his bday present either.

I am highly disappointed with the gf too as she is a mother herself albeit her children have grown up (Yup is much older than him). She should know better but obviously doesn't care either. Huge red flags for our future dealings.

I have told DCs to get ready and we will go out and do something fun so they are excited again.

As for ex, this is a drop of the drama over the last months. He has gone on 2 holidays but not covered any summer holidays or half terms. He pays bare minimum. He is constantly late. Gf is massive priority, I am dreading the moment they will have to meet her and go to her place.

Don't lie to them, just tell them that he will explain it when he sees them and occupy them with something else.

Why are these men so bloody selfish though :( We had years of it.

They do need to know though that he is not coming back and XH should not be giving them false hope on that as it is extremely cruel.

Do you know where they are? you could go for a meal there too.

I'd probably pitch up at the restaurant they are all going to for dinner with my DC...

"Oh what a coincidence, I didn't know you were here? I thought you were too tired from the party to see your DC and that's why you couldn't have them today, yet again?"

Make him feel about 3 inches tall in front of all his guests. No one can kick off back at you because the kids are there.

Of course this is in my "Revenge Fantasy" and usually those types of fantasty just remain as such.

Honestly even my 14 year old tries to make excuses for his useless father he even tried blaming me because his dad forgot his brothers birthday told me I should have REMINDED him that it was his own sons birthday then berated me for my face because it was apparently speaking volumes later he apologised because he knows he was being Unreasonable but his dad likes to favour him and ignore the youngest and he HATES it "allowing" my ex to forget brought it home to him (the birthdays are a couple of weeks apart there is zero excuse)

It's never ending

You say he’s too tired.

None if this is the kids’ fault. Protect them and their feelings at all costs.

At that age I wouldn't tell them the whole truth just Daddy stayed up too late last night so he's too tired to see you today. If they were teens I'd tell them the full truth.

I’d just say daddy is tired; not daddy said he’s tired but really he lied and he’s going for a meal

I would be asking him to ring and tell them. Will his family say anything?

If it keeps happening you need to tell the kids though. You don't have to be spiteful but be truthful.

My best friends mum tried to cover for their Dad most of their childhood. As such they grew up craving his approval and feeling so abandoned when they got to teenage years, because their mum never said a bad word against her ex when they were little. He'd say he couldn't afford petrol, so she would drive the kids 1 hour to his and 1hr back without telling her kids, he was actually doing everything possible to get out of the visit. Sometimes he just wouldn't turn up and she would have to tell them he had to go to work instead now, because he was so important and no one else was as clever as daddy at work!

When they grew up, got phones and their calls never got awnsered, texts never replied to etc.. it was a bit of a shock. Now she wishes that she had been honest with the kids so they accepted their dad wasn't gonna be there from a much earlier age.

Just tell them he’s too tired and will explain when he sees them . However you need to knock the ‘will he come back’ on the head and stop fobbing them off .

Great advice and means you don't tell them lies.

They need to be able to trust at least one parent.

I have a twat of an exH but I agree with above - don't hurt them for his behaviour.

How embarrassing. I would never have wanted to be in the same place as my exDH and his GF.
More than that, I would never put my children in the middle of an awkward situation. Just how would they feel, here is daddy having fun without us?; who do we sit with, speak to.

Terrible advice.

I am sure the OP has more self respect and dignity than that.

I’d make him explain why he isn’t seeing them, I’d also be telling him exactly what I thought of him the useless prat.

To all asking. I have told DCs that there is no chance their dad is ever coming back. I have explained we don't get on and cannot live together anymore and that's final. It's him giving them false hope with random things. I have pulled him up on it each time, once in front of them and he said well you obviously didn't explain to them properly. Lack words

The worst part is he barely sees them, maybe once or twice a week and tells people I'm stopping him from seeing them more when in truth I have offered him more days. Its never ending lies.

This. I used to do the same but it certainly wasn’t to protect the ex, it was to protect the children from feeling even more rejected. Now they’re adult they know exactly their dad’s flaws. They do have a relationship with him but it’s very much on their terms now.

I am sick of making excuses and protecting him

Protect your children. You don't have to lie, just deflect. 'Daddy isn't coming today. Shall we make some cupcakes?'. And to avoid further issues, simply.never tell them 'daddy will be here tomorrow' so they get up with expectations. Just simply wait till he rings the doorbell, pop their coats on and say bye. That way, if he doesn't show, there's no.difficult.convwesation to be had.

I know it sucks big time. But don't make it any worse for them than he already is. You've a lot of co-parenting years ahead of you. Play that long game.

You need to park your own resentment and put your children first. None of this is their fault and they don’t deserve to have their relationships with either parent affected.

I would rather grow up knowing that my dad was a lousy parent but that I could always count on my mum, than grow up thinking that my dad was great only to discover at about 14 or 15 that this narrative had all been a lie.

My mum always made excuses for my dad when he wouldn't turn up. Now looking back, the truth of it was "Daddy is a selfish fucker who only cares about his new girlfriend and himself and being free of you". I don;t get why so, so many men do this. Just dump kids like they're nothing. Poor little mites.