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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my DCs the truth why their dad is not coming today ?

151 replies

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 12:51

ExH has big birthday. Last weekend he went away with his gf to celebrate. This weekend he had an adult only party. Today he meant to see the children and he called this morning to say he is feeling too tired after the party. Mutual friend just told me he is going out for a meal with family to celebrate further. DCs don't know of GF yet as it's too early and they still hope their dad comes back. They are highly disappointed especially as he promised to take them out shopping etc.

Do I tell them the truth or lie for my exH as usual? DCs are 7 and 5.

OP posts:
Fizzology · 17/09/2023 14:49

You best revenge here, and I know it's tough, is to raise well-adjusted dc who have a good relationship with you.

And to try not to let the selfish twat sabotage that goal.

For now, I would always pass on the fact: Daddy said he couldn't come. Why? He did not tell me (he did not, he lied). You will need to ask him. Then distract, make other plans together, even if it's going to the park or making popcorn together or whatever.

Later, they will be texting and calling him for answers. And presenting you with his lies. And you can discuss together if his stories seem truthful. Or good enough excuses for not seeing your children.

ASimpleLampoon · 17/09/2023 14:50

Tell them the truth as tactfully as you can. So they can start to lower their expectations sooner rather than later. I know "badmouthing " useless men is frowned upon but this only benefits the men.

SunDaughter · 17/09/2023 15:05

@blackbeardsballsack

Yes I don't get some of these parents who say "oh yes. The dad is a lying good for nothing so you need to join in the fun! Otherwise their feelings will get hurt." Small children aren't stupid.

I found it more frustrating as a small kid knowing something was up but not having the words to express it and knowing I wasn't getting the full story. So I'd express that frustration by breaking things because no matter how many times I'd ask my mom kept giving me the pretty rose coloured version of what was going on. I just needed the damn truth. The kids are getting hurt regardless. Their dad is a flake.

Mom doesn't need to go out of her way to bad mouth him. But definitely don't paint him as some kind of Saint either.

The kids can feel it in their gut when mommy is full of crap! The only thing worse then one lying parent is two!

Hankunamatata · 17/09/2023 15:10

I'd tell them daddy rang and said he couldn't come today. Give them a big hug and tell them your sorry daddy has not come and its OK to be disappointed

nursei · 17/09/2023 15:11

No useful purpose to telling children that young their Dad has his priorities wrong. Just say unfortunately Dad cannot come today and suggest to him he needs to explain to them next time he sees them.

OnlyYellowRoses · 17/09/2023 15:16

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 13:09

DCs were told the truth that he isn't coming back. Its been a year and they occasionally still say they want their dad back and ask him if he will come back. Rather than say the truth he will say things like oh not at the moment, or maybe one day, or I cannot say for now buy maybe in the future. He literally undoes all my work of calming them down and getting them to understand what is happening with one sentence and then I am back to square one with them thinking there is hope he will come back.

You need to stop giving them false hope

OnlyYellowRoses · 17/09/2023 15:17

Sorry posted too soon! He needs to stop giving them false hope with stuff like that! Just correct him every time.

AInightingale · 17/09/2023 15:18

Same sorta boat here, but kids are older. I'd lie because they're so young, but you owe him a bollocking OP. He sounds useless, a selfish self-seeking twat. Tell him his kids are his #priority, not getting drunk and his girlfirend.

MartinChuzzlewit · 17/09/2023 15:21

Tell them the truth. I get so sick of seeing women making excuses for their shitty ex and it snowballs to the point the kids are teens and daddy is a hero whi can do no wrong whilst mum has spent years covering for his fuck ups. I wouldn’t be that parent - he has to take accountability and if you lie for him you’re enabling his deadbeat attitude

Coldbrewnumber2 · 17/09/2023 15:21

PonyPatter44 · 17/09/2023 12:57

They are a bit young to NOT be protected. I am sure your 7 year old is starting to get the measure of his dad, but you can't give them all the gory details at this age. I wouldn't lie to them though. Just say daddy isn't coming, I'm sure he will explain next time.

Sorry you're all going through this. Men who treat their kids like this are scum.

I agree with this. My ex lets our son down all
the time cancelling plans because he is irresponsible and selfish and puts his own personal life first and my son is a similar sensitive age (almost 6).

If I told him the reasons - I know it would hurt his self esteem and I just can’t do that to him so I just give him the basic fact; “Unfortunately, Daddy isn’t coming to visit this weekend, so you and me are going to do X Y and Z instead” and when he asks me “why” I say that he can ask Daddy that question on the next FaceTime call, which he does.

His Dad can see first hand the disappointment in his child’s face and the consequences of his selfishness. The onus is on him.

itsgettingweird · 17/09/2023 15:24

Fedupsinglemum · 17/09/2023 13:09

DCs were told the truth that he isn't coming back. Its been a year and they occasionally still say they want their dad back and ask him if he will come back. Rather than say the truth he will say things like oh not at the moment, or maybe one day, or I cannot say for now buy maybe in the future. He literally undoes all my work of calming them down and getting them to understand what is happening with one sentence and then I am back to square one with them thinking there is hope he will come back.

This is so when on a few years time and they figure him out for themselves he can say "well I said I'd be back soon but mummy wouldn't let me".

That's why you need simple age appropriate truths.

"Daddy had his birthday party last night and said he's too tired. So we are doing X instead"

Floppyelf · 17/09/2023 15:31

Hadalifeonce · 17/09/2023 12:54

I would tell them the truth, but in a child friendly, non judgemental way. I hear of so many mothers 'protecting' their children from arsehole father's.

This. Times a million.

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 15:32

I agree that you should tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way. I disagree that you need to lie to protect their self-esteem. Perhaps this is poor advice but I'd personally start to contextualise his behaviour a bit so that your children understand that the fault isn't with them but with him. So if he doesn't see them or lets them down: "Daddy loves you but some people aren't very good at being there when they should". "Daddy loves you but some people have difficulty keeping promises". Nothing heavy or overtly critical but make it clear the fault is with him not them. And then, distract: "Let's go and do this instead".

Floppyelf · 17/09/2023 15:32

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 15:32

I agree that you should tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way. I disagree that you need to lie to protect their self-esteem. Perhaps this is poor advice but I'd personally start to contextualise his behaviour a bit so that your children understand that the fault isn't with them but with him. So if he doesn't see them or lets them down: "Daddy loves you but some people aren't very good at being there when they should". "Daddy loves you but some people have difficulty keeping promises". Nothing heavy or overtly critical but make it clear the fault is with him not them. And then, distract: "Let's go and do this instead".

This thread is filled with great advice like this.

asosStalker · 17/09/2023 15:36

He’s an arse and you have every right to be angry.

The kids will work him out when they are a little older but for now it’s not worth making them feel rejected and hurt.

SunDaughter · 17/09/2023 15:41

@Goldbar

Perfect way of putting it!

HappyPurrrsday · 17/09/2023 15:44

I think it’s pathetic that he gets you to break the news? Anyway you can refuse next time, immediately phone and hand it to the boys. He wants to flake out, he has to explain

NewName122 · 17/09/2023 15:46

I'd say daddy has other plans today then ask if they'd like to call him. They will ask him.

brightdayloomingdark · 17/09/2023 15:50

Next time, just pass the phone to the kids so he has to tell them himself.

He might stop being a flakey bastard then.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 17/09/2023 15:54

I made a lot to excuses for my ex in the beginning. I could not wait until he stopped being the golden parent in the DCs eyes..Now DC1 is 13 he has a pretty good grasp on who his dad is as he sees if all for himself. He no longer wants to see as much of his dad as he did. And it is fucking heartbreaking to see how sad and disappointed he is in his father. Your children will work it out for themselves when they are old enough, don't upset them with it now. And don't make your life harder by having to console heartbroken children when you have absolutely no ability to fix any of it.

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 15:54

SunDaughter · 17/09/2023 15:41

@Goldbar

Perfect way of putting it!

Thank you - I think it's a shame that mothers feel they have to put so much effort into keeping up the pretence and I'm not sure it's good for the kids - if their dad is wonderful, why isn't he interested in them? The problem must be with them, right, otherwise this wonderful dad would want to be with them? Far better to understand, in a child-appropriate way, that dad isn't perfect and has his issues which might make him behave in ways that make them sad sometimes, and it's ok to be sad and talk about it. Promise-keeping/breaking is a good one as there are lots of discussions that can be had around why we should keep promises, why we might break them sometimes and how that makes others feel.

Mistressanne · 17/09/2023 16:20

@Fedupsinglemum some men are just horrible.
My cousin’s dh failed to turn up on his ds’s birthday one year, the lad sat on the stairs for hours waiting.
The same lad went to Oxford and has a really good job and his shitty father is so proud of him!
I don’t know why considering he didn’t raise him. It’s certainly got nothing to do with his parenting.

FootprintsOnTheCeiling · 17/09/2023 16:33

Kidsandcat · 17/09/2023 13:59

Everytime he cancels, he should explain to them on the phone why. It's not fair for you to have to make excuses.

This is what I was going to say.

HipTightOnions · 17/09/2023 16:36

My ex used to do this. I never criticised him to my kids but they worked it out for themselves eventually and now they're adults they longer see him.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 17/09/2023 16:37

Protecting your dc now by lying is setting them up for a fall later on. Why let them think he is a df to respect when he absolutely isn't? They will have faith in him and possibly think he is great a role model. What a shocker when maturity allows them to see the truth...