To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

I think the Hancock tale is interesting.

He was clearly a bit of a dweeb at uni and she didn’t look twice at him.

fast forward a couple of decades- he’s now a big deal in government, she is bored in her marriage, and probably didn’t have the stellar career she hoped for.

suddenly he doesn’t look like such a loser after all.

Am not letting him off the hook at all, as his behaviour of hiring someone he fancied at uni is creepy and pathetic. But she strike me as the type of woman at uni who is very status driven and would only go for popular and/or ‘successful’ guys.

they deserve each other. They are equally to blame.

though I bet he already gives her the ‘ick’ ! 😂

This is baffling logic to me. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17. He didn't "owe" me anything. It doesn't mean I don't blame him for sexually assaulting me!!!!

By what logic do you think this is comparable. A man committed a crime against you, he is entirely to blame.

So your husband had months to nip it in the bud but instead he ended up sleeping with her and you think she's to blame?

This isn't about me, but I think my husband is to blame for not nipping it in the bud and she is to blame for their being something that needed nipping in the bud.

Obviously two grown adults are responsible for their choices and I'm confused over why you're defending her?

I made this post because I'm quite sick of reading infidelity posts where the OW is defendended like this.

It's almost abusive to the betrayed wife to imply she has no right to blame the OW for the cruel behaviour they chose to participate in.

Maybe it feeds into this idea that men are these evil creatures who are always in the wrong and women can behave as appallingly as they like and are some delicate flower who's ostensibly horrific behaviour is only really wrong because the man was too weak to resist

Boke!

This ^^

The key here is IF OW knew. Most cheaters don’t say they are married

OP how many times have you had sex with other men since you’ve been in a relationship?

Do you have sex with every man that flirts with you?

Do you carry that flirting on or do you shut it down straight away?

The person who cheats is to blame.

Your ex cheated on you because he wanted to and he made sure it happened.

You separated because of his actions.

That doesn’t mean to say she’s not a bitch and a horrible person but she has absolutely no blame when it comes to your husband cheating.

Not really

I mean the OW is a tosser

But the only person who broke the marriage is the person committing adultery. If it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else.

It’s just letting him off the hook.

“Let's be honest here as women: be really honest. Think about the married men in your circle: friends husbands, dad's from the school run, men at the gym.

Do you really believe that if you started paying them attention, flirting, acting vulnerable and besotted and trying to spend time with them that you personally couldn't start plenty of affairs?”

Dear god even thinking about the men in my circle like that brings me out in a rash of boredom, irritation and a slightly queasy stomach! I despise pretty much all of the men I encounter…and compare them
very unfavourably to my husband. But then, I am still surprised I ever met one that I liked enough to want around permanently.

@Catastrophejane

*He was clearly a bit of a dweeb at uni and she didn’t look twice at him.

fast forward a couple of decades- he’s now a big deal in government, she is bored in her marriage, and probably didn’t have the stellar career she hoped for.

suddenly he doesn’t look like such a loser after all.

Am not letting him off the hook at all, as his behaviour of hiring someone he fancied at uni is creepy and pathetic. But she strike me as the type of woman at uni who is very status driven and would only go for popular and/or ‘successful’ guys.

they deserve each other. They are equally to blame*

This is exactly what I think. His wife has perfect right to blame them both.

He's a horrible piece of shit, but the way the OW must have known the wife was sitting home with the kids just shows she's also a POS.

And going on TV to say he'd fallen in love! Oh my God! His poor wife!

Obviously two grown adults are responsible for their choices and I'm confused over why you're defending her?

How am I defending her? Where in my post did I say she had done nothing wrong? I think I said this:

I'd agree that pursuing a married man is a shit thing to do but he was clearly responding to the attention otherwise they wouldn't have ended up in a situation where it was possible for them to have sex.

Why are you trying to make out that posters support the behaviour of women who have affairs with married men? Not one person here has said that.

You had a right to rely on your husband's fidelity, he wasn't able to do what he vowed to do. Making the survival of your marriage dependent on the decency of randoms seems insane.

I reserve the right to judge the fuck out of anyone, male or female, who has an affair with someone they know is married or in a commited relationship. It's morally repugnant behaviour. But if my DH cheated, I wouldn't blame the OW. I'd judge her for her actions, yes. I would believe her to be an immoral, selfish and untrustworthy individual. But I wouldn't hold her responsible for destroying my marraige because upholding our marraige was never her responsibility in the first place. That would be on him.

YANBU. Yes only the husband is married to you and has made vows to you, but when the OW knows that he is married and deliberately engages in a relationship with him, then 100% yes, she is also responsible for the breakup.

No decent woman would get involved with a married man. The OW make that decision to get involved, knowing that he is cheating on a wife and family. I would not want to be with a man who did that.

So yes, they play their part in it. They could walk away. They could say, get back to me when you are single, but they don't.

Blaming the OW as well, doesn't take anything away from blaming the man.

The OW should not be absolved from blame as they are choosing to wreck marriages and families

But if your spouse is worth anything, they’ll shut down any seduction immediately. I’ve had men try it on with me, and I found it creepy and inappropriate, and ran a mile. The people it works on are the type who encourage that kind of attention when they receive it.

There is a kind of self-justification that affair partners do: “oh we spent more and more time together, and then somehow completely by accident my clothes fell off and I landed on his penis, we never meant for this to happen” and yep that is absolute bullshit. But anybody decent will just not entertain that sort of thing at all.

@GoryBory

OP how many times have you had sex with other men since you’ve been in a relationship?

How many times have I tried to have sex with someone who was married?

Also 0

Hence I'm neither a cheater, nor an OW.

I think both are very shit people who get needs met at the expense of others.

Most of the OW arent trying to cheat though, are they, they believe they are in love. And your view might be that she seduced him but my view is that ye enjoyed every moment until he was worried about his own skin and giving up his own comforts.

Women seeking relationships with married men are more likely to have low self esteem than just wanting a bit of fun. And what do these men that risk everything want? They risk everything for fun.

The OW is to blame as well if they knowingly got with a married man. If they didn’t know he was married or with someone that’s different.

some women get a joy out of “winning” someone else’s partner as it gives them an ego boost and it’s pathetic. Obviously the man is more to blame but the OW is awful as well.

I usually presume those comments are made by people who have been the OW. It’s immoral to peruse someone in a monogamous relationship. Some affair partners specifically like married people, they put a lot of effort into pursuing them. So yes ultimately there’s no excuse for your partner cheating but that doesn’t mean the OW/M is blameless. Legally there’s lots of incidences where being complicit is a crime

OP - let’s just examine two quotes from you:

Quote 1 - men are weak:

Let's be honest here as women: be really honest. Think about the married men in your circle: friends husbands, dad's from the school run, men at the gym.

Do you really believe that if you started paying them attention, flirting, acting vulnerable and besotted and trying to spend time with them that you personally couldn't start plenty of affairs?

I think I could!

Quote 2: men aren’t weak - it’s the fault of the women who seduce them:

It feeds into this idea that men are these evil creatures who are always in the wrong and women can behave as appallingly as they like and are some delicate flower who's ostensibly horrific behaviour is only really wrong because the man was too weak to resist

Get some therapy and sort yourself out.

Seriously.

Your husband had an affair because he wanted to. Perhaps he was entirely an arsehole, perhaps your marriage was broken, which is some mitigation.

Whatever degree of blame there is, is his.

Blaming her is doing you no good at all, as your increasingly strange posts show.

It's definitely fine to blame them! It's two separate hurts. The man who has strayed and the woman who went against the sisterhood. I share my most vulnerable moments with women and anyone willing to participate in the disruption of someone else's life for the sake of their own goes against the solidarity we should have with each other. I would feel sick at the thought of another woman being hurt because of my actions or wondering why me and not her, let alone the gaslighting, abuse and lack of ability to truly consent to a sex life at home ( that involves more people than they realise risking their sexual health ) but I've come across a LOT of ow and they do not care at all until they think the man is going to leave them, then the bargaining and empathising begins. That said as someone who was cheated on although it hurt like hell at the time I'm so glad it happened and my ex and the OW were so foul, I needed to toughen up and face the real world a bit and I'm loved and happy now with a wiser perspective.

Most of the OW arent trying to cheat though, are they, they believe they are in love

Oh my I've read it all now.

Women seeking relationships with married men are more likely to have low self esteem than just wanting a bit of fun

Oh my God.

People are 100% responsible for their own actions so yes, it is perfectly reasonable to blame ow for her choices while also blaming cheating bastard for his.

It's not like there's one bag of blame and you would have to split the contents and take some off cheating bastard to give it to ow.

I don't think anyone is saying the OW is to be absolved of all blame. I think this is generally said when the betrayed person is focusing on her rather than their partner who is primarily to blame.
I do though think that often affairs happen because the current relationship isn't working. It isn't about wanting your cake and eating it, it about not realising how miserable you are until you're away from it and in the company of someone else. Then that person's torn. So often when a partner says the family has been torn apart,we'll it k8nda has but it was going to end that way anyway. My friends neighbour co existed with her husband for years and was distraught when he left her for the woman he'd had an affair with. She talked about how her marriage had been torn apart but they hadn't been a couple for years! They just lived in the same house. She blamed OW. They had to take an injunction out against her in the end as she harassed OH and started a hate campaign. Really unbalanced.

The problem is with affairs which are different to one night stands is the bullying aspect not unlike school yard bullying.

Whereby you have two people actively bullying, alienating, sidelinling and marginalising an innocent party.

The deception that is required is all consuming and requires the intellegence of a milartary SAS operation to achieve, both parties must be in co operation to do this, it is pre planned, intentional and obviously known that it is causing harm and hurt to an innocent party, those being the idiot at home who knows nothing of this and the disregarded children.

When people actively side with a bully who is willing to destroy another person, in many areas of life they are condemmed, but it appears not to be the case with affairs, probably because there are feelings of love involved, but make no mistake it is bullying in an excruciating way.

Whether ow want to admit their involvement in this behaviour or be accountable in anyway is irrelavant, they wish to blame the males, to absolve themselves of any wrong doing.

Both parties in an affair lack empathy or at least the understanding that being attacked by two other parties is devastating, being ganged up upon, two against one is unbearable, even if sex doesn't occur.

I would never actively gang up on an innocent singular party.

@continentallentil your posts read like you're an OW! Or at very least have been one.

I don't need therapy because I think people who try and shag married people are arseholes. They are, in fact, arseholes.

Very well put @TickyTimeBomb 👏