To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

Oh please, almost all OW are "manipulated and groomed" by men?

So much epic misogyny. Women aren't responsible for what they do, they can't help shagging married men, they were manipulated into it!

What a load of hairy balls.

@Superlegs

What makes you think husbands are overweight, balding and unappealing? My best friends husband is athletic, handsome and successful and the woman he's just announced he's having an affair with is clearly thinking he'd make an excellent partner for her and has enthusiastically persued him. She's well aware he's married with two young children, but she's decided he's a good catch for her and is very happy to sext with him while his spouse is next to him in bed.

Are you aware what the word misogyny means, are have you just come across it this morning and thought you'd try it out on Mumsnet ?

@Superlegs

Women that chase after married men are very much in the minority, I'm yet to meet one, but I heard a friend of a friend that once knew one. I guess it's just a hard pill to swallow that your (ex) husband has manipulated and groomed someone into having sex with them

Aside from the ridiculousness of your first sentence, the second one appears to be full of vitriol and is clearly intended to shame a victim.

Can I ask if you're an OW? You seem to be projecting a bit of real venom.

That poor man, Fingers crossed he doesn't accidently fall into her vagina.

@Superlegs

You're deflecting. The point is that many women go after married men and many married men are not fat and balding.

Not that being fat and balding would be a problem anyway. People decide they want to have sex with people for all sorts of reasons.

Your post makes it clear you think men are always to blame. And at times, their wives.

Seemingly the only person not to blame is the affair partner.

No its not. The fact that you can't accept your husband is clearly an odious creep and your focus is still on the other woman, shows your anger is misplaced and not doing you any favours.
You married someone that behaved appallingly towards you, deal with why you have accepted such poor treatment in the first place and then choose someone that will show more respect next time round.
Or basically spend your days trying to rally other hurt woman around you and stay stuck in a cycle of hate and bitterness.
I guess its a tough choice.

MANY WOMEN ?
I have never pursued a married man, none of my friends have ever pursued a married man. However I have encountered many married men that tried their luck with me when I was much younger, when I was newly divorced-basically at various points in my life when I have felt vulnerable.
Where are you meeting all these women that are pursuing married men.

You can think your adulterous husband is an odious creep and his accomplice is no better at the same time. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

@Superlegs

It's a natural reaction for a spouse to be very angry, blaming and vitriolic to their unfaithful spouse.

It's a natural reaction for a spouse to be very angry, blaming and vitriolic to the person who shagged their spouse.

What I'm finding odd is why you seem to be angry and vitriolic towards wives who've been cheated on for not feeling the way you feel is correct.

It seems very strange thing to get het up about.

Are you aware what the word misogyny means, are have you just come across it this morning and thought you'd try it out on Mumsnet ?

If disliking a woman who shagged your partner, and expecting her to acknowledge her role, is misogyny,

Then I'm sure that insinuating woman are little dumb weaklings who sleepwalk into affairs is also misogyny

It's a natural reaction while you are processing what has happened and are trying to make sense of it, its not a natural reaction to hold that hurt towards the OW many years later and start a thread about it on mumsnet in an attempt to re-ignite hatred towards a bit player in the breakdown of your marriage.
Your really grasping with the last bit, not blindly agreeing with your misdirected belief system doesn't imply I am angry at the wives of unfaithful men. Try harder.

I don't think you are over anything and that's the problem. Good, loyal men don't cheat. I think your standards for men are pretty low. Let's make excuses for the poor targeted men. Couldn't keep it in his pants once she came on the scene
Standards for women seem much higher though. This might be part of your problem.

A cheater is someone who is severely lacking in morals and loyalty. A cheater is a liar. And he doesn't care about you enough. Simples.

Let's make excuses for the poor targeted men. Couldn't keep it in his pants once she came on the scene

Let's make excuses for the poor targeted OW (who are too fragile to accept any blame or bad feelings). Couldn't keep it in her pants once he came on the scene and find someone who's single.

I'm amazed that a cheater has low morals and is severely lacking in loyalty, yet OW is fine? It's not fair to blame her for her role? Either both are trash or both are regular people with issues and downfalls. Can't be both

@Superlegs

Any reaction me, or any other woman who's lived through this chooses is up to them. I can feel however I want to about it. So can every other woman. Who you to dictate what I'm allowed to feel? And why would you want to?

Secondly, you've invented your narrative completely. Again, as you do in all your posts, trying to belittle me and make me out to be an angry, bitter woman scorned. You've got an issue surrounding this.

I think OW was / is a very shit person. I will think that forever. Just like I will forever think other people who have done really shit things are shit people forever. That's perfectly fine.

I'm not holding into hurt (although if I were that certainly wouldn't entitle you or explain your weird vitriol). I am irritated on behalf of other women going through the same who are belittled and shamed (as you have attempted to do to me).

You've got no idea what caused the breakdown of my marriage, you've never met me, yet you're angry that I'm not accepting your version of my life?

This is very weird behaviour. I really don't care what your version of why your past relationships ended. It's very bizarre you feel so entitled and desperate to diagnose mine.

The question asked is AIBU to think the OW is also to blame if she goes after a married man knowingly.

Your answer seems to be "women don't go after married men" and all affairs start because women are manipulated and groomed.

Again, weird!

Those ow who were lied to by the man who said he was divorced or almost divorced wxcept d, it is joint enterprise.
Someone who knows full.well that he is married has committed a despicable act. The wife makes decisions based on what she knows, another baby, jobs, moving away from family expecting her family will.remaun intact....and putting her at risk of all manner of STIs, f im serious to less serious. It robs the family of money spent on the affair, I've not heard of any OW who goes out and pays for hotel rooms, etc.
Yes he has made vows but unless he paid for sex, he needs another woman to have the affair with. Even if she doesn't pass on anything she is responsible as much as he is for deceiving the wife and taking away any possibility of informed consent to sex that assumes monogamy.. They are both 100 percent responsible. In any other breach of contract leading to such serious outcomes,the fact that it is not their name on the contract wouldn't absolve them from aiding and abetting serious misconduct

November the OW doesnt owe loyalty, that's the issue here. The DH does though. Its also not true that all OW are fragile etc. People are individuals. I just think that responsibility for cheating predominantly lies with the person who is attached. Quite simply if you are in a committed relationship and you find someone flirting with you, or you find yourself tempted, then remove yourself from that situation. If you cant ie work colleague, then tell your other half. That should put a stop to things. You may not like an OW and find her morals etc dubious - that's your perogative but your DH cheated on you not her.

Exactly. OW didn't take any vows, OW didn't get a mortgage with you or get you pregnant.

The fact women are trying to compare their DPs who did all the above and act like they are equally to blame is astounding. It's basically making excuses for their DP who broke all his promises to them.

Any reaction me, or any other woman who's lived through this chooses is up to them. I can feel however I want to about it. So can every other woman. Who you to dictate what I'm allowed to feel? And why would you want to?

Appears that you are having a problem with the fact that I don't agree with your viewpoint though.

Secondly, you've invented your narrative completely. Again, as you do in all your posts, trying to belittle me and make me out to be an angry, bitter woman scorned. You've got an issue surrounding this.

I think OW was / is a very shit person. I will think that forever. Just like I will forever think other people who have done really shit things are shit people forever. That's perfectly fine.

We get that. I just don't agree with it. I get no sense of any of that anger being directed to your ex husband, he had sex with a mentally unstable women ( by your own account) that's pretty poor behaviour. Why's your anger not being directed at him. I have asked this a few times and you've never answered ?

I'm not holding into hurt (although if I were that certainly wouldn't entitle you or explain your weird vitriol). I am irritated on behalf of other women going through the same who are belittled and shamed (as you have attempted to do to me).

The existence of this thread shows that to be categorially un
-true however you try to dress it up. How exactly is it helping anyone to encourage them to feel anger towards someone that is not responsible for your marriage ?

You've got no idea what caused the breakdown of my marriage, you've never met me, yet you're angry that I'm not accepting your version of my life?

This is very weird behaviour. I really don't care what your version of why your past relationships ended. It's very bizarre you feel so entitled and desperate to diagnose mine.

You started a thread about your ex husband cheating, beyond that I have not offered any diagnosis of your marriage. If it makes me weird to offer a consistent view point and not back track like yourself, then I am happy to be weird.

The question asked is AIBU to think the OW is also to blame if she goes after a married man knowingly.

And plenty of ow will have been fed a pack of lies by the married man about the state of their marriage, some of them will be too young/ naive to know any better, some come from homes where a healthy relationship was not modelled and all manner of dysfunction, are they are shower of cunts too, are they equally to blame for the breakdown of a marriage ? Not many emotionally healthy women pursue future baggage, so contrary to your belief there are not large swathes of predatory women looking to reek havoc on the married men of these shores.

Your answer seems to be "women don't go after married men" and all affairs start because women are manipulated and groomed.

I have never said ALL about any group of people,

@Superlegs

You're fine to disagree with my viewpoint on the question I've asked, for example to say "I don't agree, I think it's 100% the fault of the spouse"

When you start to get vitriolic to the people who've actually lived it, demanding in effect that if they don't accept your view as correct this means they are flawed / bitter then I think you might be crossing lines.

When you start getting into trying to diagnose strangers divorces without invitation, then it crosses over into definitely weird.

Someone having sex with you doesn't entitle you to harass them and their family when they dont want to have sex with you anymore.

She was harassing him before he had sex with her. He was just too flattered by the attention to see it.

We did. Actually they had to escort her from our doorstep. It was the police who eventually got her to fuck off.

Wow, that sort of information seems like it would have come up by now, indeed I note it was only after my post that you referred to her stalking him. But in any event, too little too late. He had every opportunity to not have sex with her but still chose to do so. That is not her fault.

@Superlegs

Why's your anger not being directed at him. I have asked this a few times and you've never answered?

This thread isn't about my anger at him. Or at anyone. It's not even about my old marriage at all. It's about a woman's right to blame in part an OW who deliberately aims to have an affair with her spouse. Therefore OW are being discussed by those who've had personal experience.

There's no need to discuss anger at our ex husbands.

@Superlegs

I'm not holding into hurt (although if I were that certainly wouldn't entitle you or explain your weird vitriol). I am irritated on behalf of other women going through the same who are belittled and shamed (as you have attempted to do to me)

The existence of this thread shows that to be categorially un
-true however you try to dress it up. How exactly is it helping anyone to encourage them to feel anger towards someone that is not responsible for your marriage ?

Oh my God your desperate mate! I've started threads on all sorts of topics. Please let go of the fantasy narrative you've got going on here. Infidelity will always be a topic dear to my heart, because its a topic of something I lived through and know very well the suffering it causes. The victims of it will always be people I'm very protective of because I've walked in their shoes. Please stop this absolute embarrassing attempt to characterise me in your mind. You're coming off very odd!

@KingofxOh I get it you just wanted a thread of

tHe OtHeR WOman iS a [inSErt MiSoGynistic TeRM here]

Not half as unhinged as you sound love.