To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

Over 97% of sexual assailants are male and the overwhelming majority of sexual predators are male. Yet I never stop hearing wronged wives calling the OW "husband thief" and "homewrecker". It's a response in a lot of cases. This tells me that wronged wives are incorrectly identifying unwitting OWs as knowing ones, and are doing this a lot. I don't like people who sling mud undeservedly. Why are wronged wives doing this? The answer is found in the first rule of misogyny.

I assumed that both my OWs were innocent until I had evidence that they knew that my then-bf was cheating. One of them had had no idea. I think that I mentioned that we dated for a while and she was far better than him in bed and she said the same about me. The other, I said that she was welcome to him because I didn't want to date someone who is willing to cheat, and to watch out that he didn't pull the same stunt on her. As far as I'm concerned, the knowing "boyfriend thief" did me a favour because she exposed him for what he was.

I suppose when mem who've been cheated on are angry and insulting about the OM its misogyny too. Rather than just perfectly justified thoughts and feeling towards the arsehole that just shagged his spouse.

No idea how to do emoticons but I'm definitely rolling my eyes.

You quoted me without reading the quote? Or ANY of the thread? Or even understood the point of the thread....

Impressive, in a bizarre way.

Actually yes, because under patriarchy, men treat women as property and so another man "stole" his woman, rather than her choosing to break her wedding vows.

The emojis are behind the smiley face on the right end of the formatting bar below the window that you type the post in.

It's a manifestation of Rule 16: Everyone owns and controls women’s bodies except the women themselves.

Now I know how to use emojis I'm at a loss over which one to use for someone who thinks anger towards someone who shagged their spouse, regardless of gender, is misogyny.

No words, no emojis. We're going to need a meme

Yes they own and control their bodies Vito. That's rather the point.

OW doesn't control your husband's body though. That's my point.

No one said they did. But you can't have an affair with TWO bodies

Your point is entirely irrelevant, on this thread, specifically about OW and not the men.

My point is entirely relevant because my point is about it not being ok to hold the OW responsible for the husband's decision to cheat. Which is literally what the thread is about.

I mean unless my lessons about biology were woefully misguided.

But it does take two bodies to have a sex. The body that's married though is the one that's breaking their vows and family's home.

Jonny having a wank on his own is hardly what I would call a torrid affair but each to their own I suppose..

Now I know how to use emojis I'm at a loss over which one to use for someone who thinks anger towards someone who shagged their spouse, regardless of gender, is misogyny.
Most people have said it's fine to feel anger and hatred and all sorts of emotions about the OW because she is responsible for her actions.

It is not misogynistic to say her actions are bad.

The misogyny running through the thread doesn't come from disliking a woman.

The misogyny in the thread comes from positions that explicitly and implicitly hold a woman responsible for the actions of men:

• he's a good man, he never wanted an affair... but the OW...
• OW lured him
• OW nabbed him
• OW stole the married man
• if a woman has boobs out in the office then obviously men are going to have their heads turned
• some men might have the emotional intelligence not to have sex with someone other than their spouse, but most men lack the ability to say no once a woman turns their head
• who'd you rather you husband was with an 80 year old woman or a young attractive woman (nice bti of agesim into the mix)
• if a woman laughs at a man's jokes and is a bit flirty then he's only going to do what most men do and go home fantasising about having sex with her
• men are only human and have flaws so when mean OW get their claws into them sometimes affairs just happen. He never meant to have an affair, just it's one hung after another and when you've got someone giving you an ego boost and it feels good...
• OW is equally responsible for the affair (even though the decision to have an affair lies entirely with the lying spouse)

That's the misogyny.
The OW is entirely responsible for her actions.
Married men who cheat are entirely responsible for their actions.
Anything that repositions the cheating husband as a poor little darling who was led astray by the mean other woman is problematic because women are not responsible for men's behaviour

This list presupposes that the wife is sympathetic to the man that ruined her future. Most women are angry at their husband

The he thing about being an OW is, that chanting about how you owe nothing and you didn't make the vows, doesn't inspire any kind of empathy from anyone. It automatically puts people on guard and makes you look like an arse.

If I was cheated on, and the OW was trotting out lines like 'there must be something wrong with your marriage, not my problem, don't care', I'd would bloody well dislike her.

OW are to blame for their actions. OW need to own up and stop the petulant attitude whilst expecting to not be disliked. Personally, I have nothing against people who hold their hands up and say 'it wasn't right, and I know I contributed to the pain caused'. We all make mistakes, we all can be tempted and do things we know are not great.

Totally agree!

I am frustrated by the posters who keep trotting out the line about the OW owing no one anything etc. If she knew the guy she was seeing was married/in a LTR, she should have walked away. If she didn't, she is a cunt, and the hurt party in this is well within her rights to hate the fuck out of the OW... that is what this thread is about.

if a woman laughs at a man's jokes and is a bit flirty then he's only going to do what most men do and go home fantasising about having sex with her

Heaven forbid that I laugh at a colleague's joke! This idea that a woman being friendly with a male colleague is somehow a temptress trying to ruin his marriage actively holds women back at work as men avoid having one-to-one meetings with women that they would happily have with men.

As I said before, your contempt for women in STEM and other male-dominated jobs is appalling. There is so much misogyny on this thread.

So in my case I know how she behaved because I saw it. I also endured her on my doorstep, at my workplace, calling my home and harassing my children at school because she was a complete cunt of a human who couldn't accept when he said he wanted nothing to do with her.

So much so he has sex with her? He could have shut it down immediately, he didn't probably because he was flattered, and weak, and unhappy.

But that aside, if what you say is true, she was stalking him and he should have reported her to the police. He had so many other options than having sex with her then making sure he had it in writing that he was devastated by that.

@ASCCM Yes she knew.
I know it wasn’t her fault. He had the affair and was incredibly cruel. He lost his family as a result. I still see his ex occasionally and his children who won’t see him. I could be kind and show him the odd photo of his kids but I don’t. He made his bed.

I wanted to be cruel to the woman, invite her to sit down with us and talk about our friends and what had happened to her. I wanted to ask her how she felt about being responsible for a man losing his kids. But I just chose to ignore her. I think I was being nice when what we all wanted to do was chase her down the road scream shame at her.

I actually think real misogyny is shagging another woman's husband to be honest. I really do.

So do I,

It shows the ultimate in disrespect and hatred for women, children and the family unit.

@BoredZelda

So much so he has sex with her? He could have shut it down immediately, he didn't probably because he was flattered, and weak, and unhappy

Someone having sex with you doesn't entitle you to harass them and their family when they dont want to have sex with you anymore.

But that aside, if what you say is true, she was stalking him and he should have reported her to the police

We did. Actually they had to escort her from our doorstep. It was the police who eventually got her to fuck off.

Not before she'd made me ill and traumatised my kids though- which was entirely her decision.

@TickyTimeBomb

It shows the ultimate in disrespect and hatred for women, children and the family unit

Couldn't agree more. Women should be supporting that, not trying to smash it up.

I don’t think constant harassment especially at home is ok, but if you do shag someone’s husband you can’t complain if you get a little push back. Things like having your phone number listed on something or your email address used to query health insurance is a little piece of karma coming your way. Because while you don’t owe some random woman anything, sleeping with their husband is the lowest thing you can do. Especially if they have kids. And while he hopefully gets to experience a messy divorce, the arsehole he slept with can lie in the bed she made. If you don’t like it, maybe try having some morals and self respect.

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie

I was the wife.

The OW harrased us

My friend has just divorced. Her attitude towards the OW is pity not hatred, and a certain amount of guilty gratitude that she has taken this shitty guy off her hands. That said, I would avoid anyone I know who is or has ever knowingly been an OW, because she’s probably stupid and unpleasant as a person.