To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

I do think the crudity is necessary though. Not only does it strip the OW of any romanticised concept of the affair, it highlights to the wife exactly what the OW's ultimate value is, the OW what the married man is intending her to be ( and happy for her to be whilst going home and more often than not putting his wife in the same position ) and demonstrates what a vile, impulse led, tacky dog the cheating husband is. I'd rather never be in a relationship again than be the OW but if I ever thought of being one then realised that ultimately this is how I'm viewed I'd be put right off and hopefully go and find someone who respects me. Not to mention that the wife is no longer consenting to a sexual relationship with her husband based on terms she believes to be true & that is not okay, and that is because the OW is very much opening her legs. Crude as it is, its reality and as disgusting a thought as the affair is.

It really wasn’t.

For me it's the same as anything else, if someone has 0 morals and acts with complete disregard for another or is acting in a way they know is going to hurt another then im going to think they're an absolute prick- this is in any situation, affair included.

Your DH is also abusing OW.

Forty something men who have affairs with a string of twenty something women choose the vulnerable ones who believe their lies.

I hope you're doing alright now. The removal of sexual agency is the most disgusting part of an affair and so traumatic but gets so overlooked.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

For a start, no way am I having sex with someone until I know for certain who they are. Ask their name. Have a google. If you can't find them on anything then it probably isn't their name.

Confirm identity, and you can usually check social media or LinkedIn. If that fails, then I have quite literally asked people to see a driver's licence. OLD can be risky, no man with anything to hide will object.

Also, before you get emotionally (or ideally sexually) involved with a stranger it's a good idea to see who they are - try and meet a friend, go to their house, see where they work and so on.

Every single man I met on OLD who was cagey or weird about anything is usually hiding something. They're the ones who are shifty about what days they can see you, having a phonecall unplanned in the evening and so on.

You can spot it very easily! I can't fathom how (unless it was exceptional circumstances) anyone could hide that for more than 6 or 7 dates.

‘The removal of sexual agency is the most disgusting part of an affair and so traumatic but gets so overlooked.’

I completely agree. It’s utterly traumatising. I could not be a part of removing someone’s right to informed sexual consent and their personal agency: as a cheat OR as the willing affair partner.

That's useful, thanks. Ironically, I was very cagey when I still lived with my parents because I was hiding my OLD from them, so it never occurred to me that someone else being cagey was hiding from a wife and not parents.

I didn’t realise how serious and traumatic cheating was until I was cheated on by my Ex whilst I was pregnant. I had to confirm it by meeting a few of the women, and most were unaware and very empathic, they helped me to make sense of it.

Two were utterly awful though, told me they didn’t care. So yeah I think some women are really callous and get off on it.

I mean if a man cheats on a women with multiple women. Are they all stealing him away/ home wrecking whores or is it a character flaw on the man ?

A man creates the home with his wife and he shags around. How is she a home wrecker when he was the one that made vows ?

Chances are if a man cheats once (and it was just sex) he's likely to have cheat multiple times and just not got caught.
So revering to the ow as just a object in your head may make you feel better. But it's not actually a good sign if you have signed up to try again...

No OW can break up a happy, healthy marriage.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Should anyone try to though?

Rank misogyny rules as ever. If karma came for cheaters then the result would be that the OW then cheated on the cheating husband, and he got a taste of his own medicine.

But that's never what karma means on these threads. It means the prized (cheating) man gets to enjoy more novelty sex and the nasty woman is punished. Despite her not having any relationship to the deceived wife, her subsequent humiliation is seen as the morally just outcome while the actual cheat gets to carry on 'creating vacancies' presumably until death or until his knob drops off.

Until we value women and men equally, this is how society will view cheating behaviour. It's no further forward than in biblical times.

Well it's not good as a middle aged woman having to go to the clinic, sat around mainly a younger generation to get tested for god knows what.

Humiliation is the name of the game and obviously a real fear of sexual health being compromised, but hey ho it's just another aspect of being lied to and being left out of the loop by two people who know exactly who is not being given a choice.

The realities of it are not very glamourous, he was going through tubes of canniston at an alarming rate as his knob was constanting burning, yes he got thrush, by the time the affair was discovered and he'd promised to cut contact, sex had ceased between us and then he ended up with this rash all over his body, and I was like, what the fuck is that ?

People don't seem to care about their sexual health in the throws of romance but fuck me it matters, especially if you're the one who has no clue about what's going on.

And ow wonder why they are disliked as much as the husbands.

@SwiftieGrainger Thank you for asking, and no, now I have an informed choice I wouldn't let him near me if he was the last man on earth.

My choice, safety first, it's very important to me.

@neommear completely agree with this. It doesn't have to change anything for it to be justified

No, I would fully blame my partner. I’d think OW was a horror but I would be too busy being upset & angry at the balls up of breaking my trust.

I would never contact OW but if she tried to contact me, I’d ignore or tell her to fuck off, depending on how she was.

This with fucking spades on.

Genuinely thought most women would leave if they found out their husbands cheated. I did thank god.

If this thread is any indication, it sounds more like many stayed and are blaming the OW for "opening her legs" so of course their husbands had to stick their penis in it. I mean obviously.

To add, never in a million years would I ever stay with anyone that cheated on me. I think far too much of myself (in a non arrogant way).& I’d feel too pathetic.

This pretty much sums up me and man I'm having an 'almost' affair with. I'm doing it becasie my marriage is abusive and unhappy. He tells me he's happily married yet we're pursuing each other anyway. He's having his cake and eating it.

This is assuming it was the woman seducing the husband. Could easily be the other way around?!

I think that as the wife of a cheater it is easier to apportion blame on the OW as there are no happy memories there, no past love and connection. While people are mad at their husbands, you see in a lot of posts that there is still a lot of love also for their spouse.

However, often OW is also married. And so the same is likely true in her camp (ie her husband blames more the OM who seduced etc.)

Not to jump on you but please read some of the responses on here and stop this before an innocent party gets hurt. If your marriage is abusive and unhappy leave but don't use it as a bargaining tool to justify seeking the attention of a married man, his wife doesn't deserve that does she?

I'm reading this thread in an attempt to make me stop because I know it's wrong.

@babybird123 If your "D"H is already abusive, how will he react if you cheat and he finds out? Please, leave him, it's the safest option for you.

Here we go with all the you can't take a person comments. Well you absolutely can. If you're covered in baby sick and absolutely frazzled and Janet in Accounts has got her tits out don't for one minute think she can't take your husband.

I agree op, the ow is just as responsible.

How anyone could inflict such pain on another human being is beyond me.

Here we go with all the you can't take a person comments. Well you absolutely can. If you're covered in baby sick and absolutely frazzled and Janet in Accounts has got her tits out don't for one minute think she can't take your husband
But you can't take a person!

Janet in accounts could be the very embodiment of every man's fantasy, come to work in nothing more than sexy lingerie, walk up to Mike's desk and do a strip tease, and nothing would happen between them unless Mike decides he's interested and makes that choice Mike is an adult who is responsible for his own loyalty and fidelity. If something happens Janet hasn't taken him.

If married Mike looks elsewhere for some sex on the side Janet from accounts hasn't taken him. Mike's decided to prioritise some extra-marital shags over his wife and family.

First rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for what men do.

Janet is responsible for her actions. She is responsible for pursuing a married man. She'd be responsible for her part in any affair. But she hasn't taken him from his wife.

If a man chooses to cheat. No woman has taken him.

A man who is a wonderful husband until he sees a pair of tits in the office isn't a wonderful husband.