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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

898 replies

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 11:59

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

OP posts:
Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 17:46

@Susieb2023 OW believe the lies the same way the wife believes her own husband! If your going to take that Frank approach you need to take your own advice. If the wife doesn't notice......

Susieb2023 · 18/09/2023 17:48

What absolute nonsense. The wife doesn’t know there’s an OW. OW knows damn well there’s a wife. Jeez!

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 17:51

@Susieb2023 that's not always the case. As we have said recently... dating sites.

Susieb2023 · 18/09/2023 17:55

@Barbiesback and i put that in the last paragraph of my post. Of course there are those that do not know. Already made it clear I don’t have an issue with them.

But where they know and choose to engage, they choose to believe, and the excuses for causing that much pain to another person are utterly pathetic.

jays · 18/09/2023 18:18

Zipps · 17/09/2023 13:57

Both to blame 50/50
A manipulative other woman with no morals/boundaries and her legs wide open is not to be excused as some innocent victim.
The man is just as bad. It's the desperate behaviour/no bar to how low they will go which makes me think so little of them.
I've seen a few families destroyed.

Her legs wide open? That is absolutely disgusting language and I reported a post for using that very term last week and the post was removed. I’m truly horrified that you think it’s in any way acceptable to use that phrase, you need to seriously think about where you’re at if you this is ok. It’s utterly unacceptable and crosses a line. I’d ask for this post to be deleted, it’s beyond disgusting.

Original poster
Kingofx · 18/09/2023 18:31

I think there are limited circumstances in 2023 where you might not realise someone is married or attached so I still do think that must be the minority.

Don't get me wrong, I tried OLD and met plenty of marrieds but I managed to deduce that inside of a week!

OP posts:
Usedandhurt · 18/09/2023 18:50

zipps crudity lessons your argument. Why do you need to run women down this way. Men have minds. Married men chose to cheat - they could chose to be faithful . No amount of temptation can make someone cheat unless unless they want to. Stop trying to assign responsibility to single people for married people’s choices

SwiftieGrainger · 18/09/2023 18:56

This is a bit harsh on Zipps if you ask me. I get that crudity makes people cringe but that's sort of the point, especially when that is what the OW is doing. To read it in such a frank way sort of makes it abundantly clear how awful the intimacy between an OW and married man is. It isn't a nice thought but on a thread like this we can't all be thin skinned enough to be reporting people's views and banning their freedom of speech. I know of an ex friend who was an OW ( distanced myself because of this ) who truly did think what she was doing was okay because it was purely sex between her and the married man. In that instance she deserves to be thought of in such a way because that's what she's reduced herself to in my opinion.

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:03

@jays people are entitled to hold their bitter opinions. You can quite clearly see the way some are so hell bent on painting this delusional image of OW is bordering unhinged behaviour. The utter venom and they will probably lie down with their husbands AGAIN, I don't know why they are pretending they all leave. They often stay and become bitter AF.

TickyTimeBomb · 18/09/2023 19:04

Her legs wide open? That is absolutely disgusting language

But not worse than disgusting behaviour, why do words hurt so much when actions are far more painful.

FWIW I had my legs wide open having sex with my husband when they should have been firmly shut knowing he was taking away my sexual agency and right to a healthy sex life with a monagamous partner.

jays · 18/09/2023 19:06

I haven’t seen Mumsnet remove anyone who’s had an affair, but I can tell you they removed a post that used that language last week. It’s unacceptable.

Toomanysquishmallows · 18/09/2023 19:10

I blame the ow as well as dp , she knew he had a three month old , but she still pursued him . They have since had a child and ex dp hasn’t seen dd since she was 5 , she’s now 24 .

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:11

I think its embarrassing that the focus needs to be on a woman's physical position..... but your own husband was happy to put OW in that position literally. I think its odd that the main focus isn't your own husband! He's the one putting your health at risk directly. Often there's multiple women too.... it can't be all OW it's the person who has broken the vows.

A lot of wives can't face that Frank reality. Truth hurts!!

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:15

@Toomanysquishmallows ahhh I'm sorry to hear that. However it speaks volumes that your EX hasn't seen his child since she was 5. You never really knew him and this is obviously his character because that's another matter completely not seeing your child for all those years. That isn't down to OW that is his personality I'm afraid. They are many men like this that don't bother with their DC and there is no OW in the picture

BIossomtoes · 18/09/2023 19:18

your own husband was happy to put OW in that position literally.

She didn’t have any agency then?

Deathbyfluffy · 18/09/2023 19:21

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 12:14

What if the OW didn't know and only finds out when the wife does and the marriage ends? Is she still to blame?

Show quote history

Obvious not in that case, unless she’s a mind reader

LlynTegid · 18/09/2023 19:47

I don't think with predatory sleazy older men we can blame anyone else other than them.

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:48

@BIossomtoes wasn't you the same poster shouting doesn't OW see the married man's ring on his finger upthread? I read your post.... and whilst I've read many nieve posts I have to say yours was the best one yet. If that's your opinion, I can't engage with someone who lacks such imagination it's quite laughable.

Usedandhurt · 18/09/2023 19:51

SwiftieGrainger · 18/09/2023 18:56

This is a bit harsh on Zipps if you ask me. I get that crudity makes people cringe but that's sort of the point, especially when that is what the OW is doing. To read it in such a frank way sort of makes it abundantly clear how awful the intimacy between an OW and married man is. It isn't a nice thought but on a thread like this we can't all be thin skinned enough to be reporting people's views and banning their freedom of speech. I know of an ex friend who was an OW ( distanced myself because of this ) who truly did think what she was doing was okay because it was purely sex between her and the married man. In that instance she deserves to be thought of in such a way because that's what she's reduced herself to in my opinion.

The issue with the legs wide open comment and the crudity is that it’s directed at the affair partner and not the man who used his own appendage - the one he promised to keep for only one woman to have sex with someone else.

Some people cheat -some don’t. Cheating is the fault of the cheater. You might feel angry with the OW but your dh is the person who let you down- no one else.

BIossomtoes · 18/09/2023 19:52

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:48

@BIossomtoes wasn't you the same poster shouting doesn't OW see the married man's ring on his finger upthread? I read your post.... and whilst I've read many nieve posts I have to say yours was the best one yet. If that's your opinion, I can't engage with someone who lacks such imagination it's quite laughable.

No, it wasn’t me. Sorry.

Barbiesback · 18/09/2023 19:54

@BIossomtoes it was definitely you! It's embarrassing all round.

TheBerry · 18/09/2023 19:57

Depends.

Sometimes the OW is an unpleasant person.

Sometimes the OW is a normal person who maybe fell in love, maybe made a mistake and feels terrible, maybe was incredibly vulnerable and acted unethically.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/09/2023 20:00

Susieb2023 · 18/09/2023 17:21

I can’t think of one excuse/lie that could potentially come out of a man’s mouth to encourage the other woman into the affair that would be a justification for the OW to launch into helping this cheat take his wife’s right to informed sexual consent and her personal agency.

No sex, separate beds, not kind to the poor sausage, mental health issues, always busy with the children, doesn’t cook their favourite meal on a Tuesday whatever. None of these are ok.

OW choose to believe the lie, they’re not lied to.

I have followed many stories and other than the OW who did not know, I don’t know one OW who didn’t work tooth and nail to twist the knife in more.

Show quote history

He doesn't need to say any of that. He can simply not mention being married.

Susieb2023 · 18/09/2023 20:03

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia yep said that at the end…

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/09/2023 20:10

Kingofx · 18/09/2023 18:31

I think there are limited circumstances in 2023 where you might not realise someone is married or attached so I still do think that must be the minority.

Don't get me wrong, I tried OLD and met plenty of marrieds but I managed to deduce that inside of a week!

What's your secret for spotting the married ones?