Page 11 | To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

Coffeepot72 · 17/09/2023 18:10

the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

Yep. Obviously I blame my ex-DH for his behaviour, I’ll never know if he pursued the OW or vice versa, but the way she behaved was horrible. She wanted my house, my husband and my life. She would often phone our home (this was in the days of landlines) to mock me. Ironically, once DH and I split properly, their relationship broke up quite quickly. I think the ‘forbidden fruit’ angle was appealing to both of them.

But there’s no way I would ever want to play a part in the devastation she and ex-DH caused.

FlatTopBarberShop · 17/09/2023 18:42

Well, my SIL had an affair with a married man (she knew he was married and knew his wife socially too), and I've certainly had a very low opinion of her ever since. Who can trust her after that? Not just with husbands, but with anything?

Karma alert: he left his wife for her, married her, then cheated on her. Then both their lives went completely to shit. And they deserve nothing less IMO.

The original wife must be glad to have got rid of him.

continentallentil · 17/09/2023 18:50

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 14:42

@continentallentil your posts read like you're an OW! Or at very least have been one.

I don't need therapy because I think people who try and shag married people are arseholes. They are, in fact, arseholes.

I’m not and I haven’t ever been.

And the fact you think something I’ve says indicates that is rather the point.

In another of your posts you announced that you didn’t divorce because your husband didn’t have an affair but because the OW wouldn’t leave him in peace and then he got ill

Seriously, why would you for a second contemplate staying with a man who shagged another women for a protracted period of time.

It’s not normal to have such low self esteem or to obsess like these. Get some therapy.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:17

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 12:33

A lot of men don't wear the ring or remove it when out.

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Even more reason not to blame the OW!

daliesque · 17/09/2023 19:18

Yes. When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy

What bullshit. Have just asked my partner and his response was that his marriage had a good innings and they were pretty happy for a long time, but it's nothing like the relationship he has with me and so there's no vacant to fill.

But that narrative does suit the drama on threads like these, I guess.

Btw as a woman who has frequently been judged by other women for certain life choices, namely not wanting kids, I can testify that there is no such thing as the sisterhood.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:20

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 12:54

That's misogynistic, again, and making excuses for poor male behaviour. Poor menz who can't possibly resist being seduced by a woman

Nonsense. There's posts already here saying the OW is often vulnerable and told their wife doesn't understand them. Yawn.

It's pretty simple: chasing after, texting, flattering, pursuing or having sex with a married person is objectively shit behavior.

Cheating obviously also is.

And when he takes his ring off and claims to the OW that he is single?

Original poster

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 19:20

@continentallentil

Do you have a number for "I think people who try and shag other peoples spouses and harass their wife and kids are twats" therapy?

You've gone quite the distance to victim blame here.

Thinking the OW is an arsehole isn't a character flaw or dysfunction.

Neither is trying to work on your marriage after an affair.

One thread on mumsnet isn't "obsession".

It's very telling you've gone quite the distance with your mental gymnastics here :) OW around the world applaud you!

OP posts:

Orange67 · 17/09/2023 19:22

daliesque · 17/09/2023 19:18

Yes. When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy

What bullshit. Have just asked my partner and his response was that his marriage had a good innings and they were pretty happy for a long time, but it's nothing like the relationship he has with me and so there's no vacant to fill.

But that narrative does suit the drama on threads like these, I guess.

Btw as a woman who has frequently been judged by other women for certain life choices, namely not wanting kids, I can testify that there is no such thing as the sisterhood.

Of course he'd say that.

Original poster

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 19:22

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

Read the post.

It specifically talks about people who knowingly persue people who are married.

OP posts:

leatherboundbooks · 17/09/2023 19:25

If the OW didn't know, then no blame
If the OW had known the husband and wife as a family for 20 years and had been proactive in beginning the affair then for sure she is to blame. And CNN

TickyTimeBomb · 17/09/2023 19:26

*What bullshit. Have just asked my partner and his response was that his
marriage had a good innings and they were pretty happy for a long time,
but it's nothing like the relationship he has with me and so there's no
vacant to fill. *

Bit niave.

I should imagine as he was walking down the isle with his first wife he hardly told her there was still a vacancy to fill.

The mere fact that this man could not make his marriage work is a testimony to his innability to form a life long bond.

I woudn't put money on him.

continentallentil · 17/09/2023 19:28

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 19:20

@continentallentil

Do you have a number for "I think people who try and shag other peoples spouses and harass their wife and kids are twats" therapy?

You've gone quite the distance to victim blame here.

Thinking the OW is an arsehole isn't a character flaw or dysfunction.

Neither is trying to work on your marriage after an affair.

One thread on mumsnet isn't "obsession".

It's very telling you've gone quite the distance with your mental gymnastics here :) OW around the world applaud you!

15 years on from your divorce yes this is obsessive.

Get over it

Buildingthefuture · 17/09/2023 19:30

@daliesque, with kindness, if you were the OW, or if you know he was previously unfaithful to his wife, is he likely to say “yep, I like having a bit on the side and I feel entitled to it. In fact I have another one now/I will look for one soon, In fact I’m currently enjoying some sexy texts with Brenda from accounts and reckon I could shag her at the next works do”? He probably isn’t doing or thinking any of that, but if he was, he really wouldn’t tell you. Like he didn’t tell his wife?? And for what’s it’s worth, I never wanted kids either. I’ve never shagged some one else’s husband though…

SerenChocolateMuncher · 17/09/2023 19:33

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 19:20

@continentallentil

Do you have a number for "I think people who try and shag other peoples spouses and harass their wife and kids are twats" therapy?

You've gone quite the distance to victim blame here.

Thinking the OW is an arsehole isn't a character flaw or dysfunction.

Neither is trying to work on your marriage after an affair.

One thread on mumsnet isn't "obsession".

It's very telling you've gone quite the distance with your mental gymnastics here :) OW around the world applaud you!

I was about to post something similar. I absolutely agree with you Kingofx.

Continent's reply to you is nasty and wrong. It is perfectly normal for self-esteem to be shattered after a betrayal by the person you love.

However, I would suggest that Continent is the person who needs therapy to explore her spite and bitterness.

And women (and men) who pursue married or committed partners are arseholes.

BIossomtoes · 17/09/2023 19:36

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:20

And when he takes his ring off and claims to the OW that he is single?

Show quote history

The OW must be pretty unobservant - wedding rings leave traces.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 17/09/2023 19:36

Thing is, the OW's get their punishment: your faithless crappy husband!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:39

BIossomtoes · 17/09/2023 19:36

The OW must be pretty unobservant - wedding rings leave traces.

Show quote history

Depends on whether he works outdoors or not, and whether he removes it to sleep. I wear a fidget ring every day and take it off at night, it leaves no trace.

HamBone · 17/09/2023 19:39

I have a low opinion of people who pursue other people’s’ partners, regardless of the situation. It’s just a nasty thing to do, it shows a lack of empathy and tbh a lack of self-respect.

Someone who worked with my DH went after him. She’d met me and knew that we’d recently had a baby. I have pretty good instincts for people like that and I made it clear that she needed to back off. The huge irony is that she later got married and he cheated on her within a year…can’t say I was sorry.

paradoxically2 · 17/09/2023 19:40

Kettletoast · 17/09/2023 12:10

Often BOTH people - the cheater and the person they cheated with have personality disorders - so yes the OW is also to blame

Personality disorders are quite rare. You don't need hyperbole. People don't always behave well. That doesn't mean they have a personality disorder

SquirrelSoShiny · 17/09/2023 19:42

I agree both parties are to blame but the spouse moreso.

brightdayloomingdark · 17/09/2023 19:43

If a H has a long term affair then he is in a genuine relationship with someone else with all the emotions that entails. If the affair is suddenly discovered and the H gos NC, that is a sudden ending of what was an emotionally intense and intimate relationship. It’s not surprising a woman can’t accept that. Just as a wife who had no idea her H was unfaithful and thought their marriage was happy, intimate and close would not be able to accept it if her H suddenly walked out the door and refused to speak to her again, its the same for OW. You may have no sympathy for them, but their behaviours are based on their own traumatic response to a devastating end. Whether you are an OW or a wife, any human would be devastated and traumatized by such a sudden end to a close romantic relationship.
I do blame the H for pissing about with women’s feelings like this and then thinking they can just end it when it suits. I think they treat both parties cruelly and I have no sympathy with them. They are the ultimate cake eaters. If my H had had an affair I think I’d hate him for treating her cruelly as well as me.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:46

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 19:22

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

Read the post.

It specifically talks about people who knowingly persue people who are married.

I'm not coping with blocks of text this week, didn't clock that in paragraph two.

It doesn't matter if the would-be OW turns up to his office in nothing but a mac and heels and then drops the mac on the floor, he should say no to her and kick her out.

It's shit to go after a married person, but that's not the same as "to blame for the affair".

tiredofthenoise · 17/09/2023 19:50

Men or women who have emotional or physical affairs with people they know are in a supposedly committed relationship are disgusting and worthy of contempt. There's plenty of blame for both the cheater and the person who enables the cheating.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 19:53

brightdayloomingdark · 17/09/2023 19:43

If a H has a long term affair then he is in a genuine relationship with someone else with all the emotions that entails. If the affair is suddenly discovered and the H gos NC, that is a sudden ending of what was an emotionally intense and intimate relationship. It’s not surprising a woman can’t accept that. Just as a wife who had no idea her H was unfaithful and thought their marriage was happy, intimate and close would not be able to accept it if her H suddenly walked out the door and refused to speak to her again, its the same for OW. You may have no sympathy for them, but their behaviours are based on their own traumatic response to a devastating end. Whether you are an OW or a wife, any human would be devastated and traumatized by such a sudden end to a close romantic relationship.
I do blame the H for pissing about with women’s feelings like this and then thinking they can just end it when it suits. I think they treat both parties cruelly and I have no sympathy with them. They are the ultimate cake eaters. If my H had had an affair I think I’d hate him for treating her cruelly as well as me.

All of this.

Far from hating "my" OW, we dated for a while because we met for coffee and hit it off. She was devastated by how we treated us both too.

Mari9999 · 17/09/2023 20:09

Just what real benefit accrues from blaming anyone? It may provide a modicum of momentary relief for healthy people, and for unhealthy people it gives them someone to blame for years.

But it really changes nothing. The spouse or partner remains gone. In some cases the spouse or partner mat have changed partners 2 or 3times post affair and the ex is still ranting and blaming the OW or OM.

The best thing to do is to thank the fates or the statistical probabilities as the case may be and to move on with your life.