To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

that is….very sad for all involved. I haven’t seen many threads that say this, but I’m sure they exist. Blaming another person for “stealing” your DH/DW is an unhealthy form of denial, as is the thought that you can somehow keep them away from “dangerous” other people? No one should live like that 🥺
It is sad.
The "stealing" idea rests on a similar set of underlying principles, that if it weren't for the other man/woman then the spouse wouldn't have strayed. The implication that remains unsaid, because it's uncomfortable, is that the spouse is fundamentally decent and only did what they did because the other person flirted first, tempted them, chased them, stole them, etc.

You're right that nobody should live like that. I suspect that's why there's posters on threads l reminding hurt spouses that it's their partner/spouse that was unfaithful not the other woman/man. Unless the reality is confronted and addressed (that the cheating partner freely and willingly chose to be unfaithful) then the relationship has no milage and the betrayed spouse is going to be living on edge that another external influences will get their claws into cheating spouse.

Deleted part of my reply

The "stealing" idea rests on a similar set of underlying principles, that if it weren't for the other man/woman then the spouse wouldn't have strayed. The implication that remains unsaid, because it's uncomfortable to acknowledge the reality, is that the spouse is fundamentally decent and only did what they did because the other person flirted first, tempted them, chased them, stole them, etc.

You can take what's offered. And if you take the offered married man, you're a cunt.

End of.

If the married man wasn't offering anything, there would be nothing to take.

OW also leave traces too with that logic … you could say the wife was unobservant and to blame for not noticing the traces an OW leaves. Stop blaming the women! It’s a relationship not a training ground for entry into New Scotland Yard!

@boromu222

100% agree with your comment. (At 20.19...) Whilst married/attached men who have affairs, are absolute arseholes, the OW is just as responsible - It takes a special kind of evil to pursue a man who is already in a relationship. Karma will get them though (and often does.)

I am sick of this 'well the OW doesn't owe the wife anything' bollocks. You can see who the (scorned) mistresses are on here. And no I am NOT a scorned wife. DH has never had an affair. As far as I know! 😬

@daliesque · Today 19:18

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy?

What bullshit. Have just asked my partner and his response was that his marriage had a good innings and they were pretty happy for a long time, but it's nothing like the relationship he has with me and so there's no vacant to fill.

Oh dear. How frightfully naïve you sound.

Not really. My ex husband met someone else and he met her while we’re were still together (we weren’t right for each other but we were married and had kids) she’s lovely…. They’ve been married. 14 years and have three kids together. Just because you want it be something, doesn’t mean it is

I couldn't care less if it's perfectly fine or not, I blame anyone who knowingly has any sort of relationship with a married man. I think it's a really shitty thing to do.

In my DSis case, the OW wrote her a letter which said, in essence, that she'd had a hard life and deserved some happiness, so please would she let her husband go? So yes, she played a huge part.
There have also been women on here who didn't know the man was married. So not to blame at all.

Still think there are exceptions. I’ve seen plenty of young women taken advantage of by older men.

when you’re a school student, or in your first weeks at uni or a new job, and the handsome teacher or lecturer in his 40’s, or the authoritative boss, makes it clear they want a sexual relationship.

these women may know he’s married, but they’re young and naive with an obvious power imbalance at play.

I 100% blame the men in those situations. They take advantage.

@jays So your ex recognized that your marriage wasn’t working for either of you, but respected you enough to end your marriage and then begin a new relationship with his current wife?

That’s fair enough, relationships do run their course.

If he had an affair while still married to you, though, then he doesn’t respect either you nor his current wife, does he? It’s such sneaky and disrespectful behavior.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want your children to be treated like that by a partner.

@SerenChocolateMuncher

Continent's reply to you is nasty and wrong. It is perfectly normal for self-esteem to be shattered after a betrayal by the person you love

However, I would suggest that Continent is the person who needs therapy to explore her spite and bitterness

Couldn't agree more!

Ah yes - the OW told me I had failed my DH and it was her right and time to make him happy because I was neglecting him!!!

I was seriously ill, parent dying, stuggling to work, raise our DCS and have all the treatment I needed.She knew that shw ahd been a family friend/

EX cheated on me but this woman knew what was going on in my life and her actions were so vile - only she is responsibe for them.

My ex cheated on me. The OW knew he was with me, knew what pain it was causing me (I ended up inpatient for a month). She also cheated on her partner... two relationships and the trust and mental health of two people wrecked, all for one relationship that didn't last in the end anyway.
I hate the whole "she does not owe the wife/partner anything" shit. Since when has it been ok for women to shit on each other like that. If you fancy a guy, and find out he is taken, then fucking walk away.

Sure and I totally appreciate morally the "ow" actions aren't good.

But surely the man who made his marriage vows to you needs to be held at a higher standard to walk away and some random
women ?

Of course, but I still fucking hate the OW, and I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

@XenoBitch I'm not saying that.

What I'm saying is that your entire post is focus on the OW. And says very little about what your husband should have done and actually and frankly I hope the person you married should have a higher bar in terms of not wanting to wreck your life than some random women.

But hating her sadly won't solve the problem as most people seem to miss in hating OW, that it's very much a him problem and I personally hope you LTB.

As I said how often do women walk out and randomly slip and fall onto a dick.

These men have choices no matter how you slice it, and if you stay (your prerogative) her vanishing from your lives, hasn't actually rid you of the cause (the husband) and sadly it will likely occur.

Personally though I wouldn't do the pick me dance to a bloke that treated me as a option. And would have let her have him with a smile.

I didn't leave him. I found out about the OW when he announced he was leaving. He had been seeing her for months at that point, and I had no idea. She knew about me in all that time, yet was also happy to peruse and be in a relationship with him.
I was left very ill as a result, homeless, in absolute dire straights really. It took me many years to even trust anyone, even as a friend, again.

@XenoBitch I'm really sorry he left you down in such a drastic way

I do realise that leaving isn't always a option. I do I'm my fairly romantic notions hope that a spouse would care more about the impact. Sadly the men that do this rarely do

It's a them problem. It wasn't a you problem. I hope you know that 💐

@namechanging1212 regards your post to @XenoBitch

What I'm saying is that your entire post is focus on the OW

This is a thread ABOUT the OW

As a person who grew up in a family where my father had countless affairs, my mum threatening the ow that she will tell her DH unless she stops and receiving abuse from my father for exposing their affair, I can tell you this, I never can forgive my father for what he did to us. I don't even remember the ow's name but what I do remember is my father for bringing this to our family. He was more happy to entertain his dick than prioritise his children and his wife. No wonder me and my siblings have all received therapies at some point in our adult life. I blame my mother too for hoping he would change and come back to us which was mainly due to financial dependency but the hell we have endured as children has left deep scars.

I'm sorry for everyone who have been screwed over. I've had many married men come at me and funnily enough I have worked in the TV industry but not once have I ever reciprocated. A dignified decent person would walk away and not play with fire. I know the hell that it brings to families and would never ever willingly get involved in breaking up a family. It's wrong and immoral in so many levels and very very selfish whether you are the cheater or the ow.

That's very sad @namechanging1212 and I'm incredibly sorry your childhood was like that, but @XenoBitch didn't even know her spouse was having an affair.

The point of my thread wasn't that cheating husbands should be let off the hook ( I divorced mine), but that women should be free to feel however we want about the OW without being patronised or told they're bitter or wrong.

I agree with Xeno that she's got every right TO think OW was a cunt. I posted about this because I see on every adultery thread, people try and silence women from expressing this entirely justified anger.

To be honest, what I see on adultery threads is wives still trying to do the pick me dance, blaming the OW for leading her poor innocent DH astray, and hoping she can undo the affair and put her marriage back how it was, if only the evil OW stays away.

That’s why you get the “no, blame your DH” comments. I mean, you’ll always get the trolls trying to imply the wife has brought it on herself, but most of the people on those threads are trying to wake the wife up to the fact that her DH is clearly a little shit and she can’t trust him, not trying to exculpate the OW.

The OW may well be a harlot, but as the wife isn’t in a relationship with the OW, it doesn’t really affect her either way. What does affect her is what her turd of a husband is like, and 99% of the time, the OP still has her rose-tinted specs on while he hides assets and has more of a head start in screwing her over.

OP, I think this sums up what most people are saying. Yes the OW has behaved terribly and most likely a selfish and even spiteful individual who lacks empathy and morals , but still the husband is 100% to blame because he is the one who made the vows, and has the relationship with his wife. The fact he is betraying the person he shares a life, bed, home and maybe children with is utterly shameful and cruel.

He has the will and desire to cheat, and where there’s a will there’s a way, so even if it wasn’t this OW who knew about his marriage it would’ve been some other unsuspecting woman he’d have got with.

I used to be on match.com and I had a feeling a lot of the men were married. Of course I just blocked them if I had any doubt, but the fact is most married men cheat because they want to. Not because some woman who is aware of their marriage or not, is seducing them.

As pp have said I think it’s a bit different when the OW is a best friend /family member etc, I would indeed feel as if there’d been a double betrayal in that case, but not where it’s a stranger or acquaintance as most OW are.

The point of my thread wasn't that cheating husbands should be let off the hook ( I divorced mine), but that women should be free to feel however we want about the OW without being patronised or told they're bitter or wrong

I too would feel the OW is awful and would dislike them intensely and I’d hope never to be around them. I’m not sure many people would object to someone feeling like this?

That is separate from saying it’s still the husband to blame for breaking his marriage vows.