To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

@Kingofx

Yep I agree totally. My DH works at a place with around 15 women (and just 2 other men,) and they all do different shifts. They do clash sometimes though. One woman (I will call her Carol,) was always over familiar with my DH (who is friendly with all the women and men, and likes a laugh and a joke,) and she started buying him gifts from her day trips, and weeks away, and bought him gifts that related to his hobby etc...

She spent more on a Christmas present for him one year (around 2016,) than I did. I felt upstaged and angry and upset, and DH couldn't see the harm in it, said he has zero interest in her, and said I was over-reacting. He even started buying her gifts too as she was his 'friend...' Didn't buy any other colleagues anything though.

And on the few occasions she saw him out of work (with me) she would ignore me. And on facebook, (he had her as a friend, I did not,) if I posted 25 pics of a day out and tagged him in, 10 scenic, 5 of him, 5 of me, and 5 of the 2 of us, she would only 'like' the ones with just him on. Sent Christmas cards with only his name. (Not mine, and not our childrens names.) When we popped into his workplace on one of his days off, she would flirt and attempt banter, and playfully push him.

And she said one time 'they think there's something going on with us don't they?' DH said 'do they? who's they?' She punched him lightly on the arm and said 'oh you! I know I shouldn't speak while wifey is in earshot, wink wink.'

I was fuming back at the car, and said to DH 'why the fuck did you not tell her to stop trying to make out there's something between you?! So fucking disrespectful toward me!' He just looks like

It wasn't until our DAUGHTER who was in her early 20s, at the time, had a go at him (when 'Carol' got him a £75 gift for his birthday.) She said 'dad why the hell is this random single woman at work constantly buying you expensive shit all the time, and why are you taking it and not telling her to stop?!' She was angry too, and could see how upset I was by it all.

DH did nothing to encourage her (AFAIK) and nothing happened between them (AFAIK) but he did nothing to DIScourage her either. Until our DD spoke up, and told him to get a fucking grip and tell this woman to piss off. I don't know what he said to Carol, but she left the place not long after! Not seen her since. This was 2017.) She blocked him - and me - on facebook too LOL! Good riddance.

But yeah tl'dr, some OW are scum, and DO chase after married men. Most married men are flattered by it, and amused, and seem to enjoy the attention, and it's double bonus points of their wife is threatened, and jealous, and upset. Don't play with fire. If this had carried on, it would have finished our marriage. As I said, it was SO disrespectful to me. Shame it took our fucking young 20-something daughter calling it all into question, and telling DH to make it stop!

As has been said, of COURSE the man is to blame as well in any given affair, but the OW is 50% responsible, and is a piece of shit too IMO. Fed up of this 'OW doesn't owe you anything' shit that always trotted out on here, because some women DO make a beeline for other womens husbands. They act like he is some fucking prize to win, and she is better than the wife because she has made him stray. Very rarely leave the wives for these desperate OW though do they?

@ThingthatgoesFFSinthenight · Today 16:02

I agree OP. IHRTFT but I think that if there were no women in the world who were willing to have an affair with a married man, no women would get hurt by affairs. Regardless of gender and marital status, if you know someone is in a committed, monogamous relationship, you have a very dubious moral compass if you pursue an intimate relationship with them. Ultimately it is the main responsibility of the person in the relationship but both are accountable and responsible.

AGREE!

I had a friend who got together with a married man. He left his wife and children for her. They had a child together. He then cheated on her too and they separated. I wasn’t surprised.

LOL, some serious fucking karma in there. What did his affair partner expect? That the lying cheating piece of shit she was shagging, who left his wife and kids for her, would stay faithful for life?! Stupid naïve woman! Impossible to feel sorry for her. I do feel sorry for this man's EX-wife though, and all the children involved.

What a terrible world that would be. Where we had to rely on ‘every other woman in the world’ to keep a man faithful instead of the man we’re in a relationship with just not cheating on us . That’s so depressing.

I agree with this. I think when people try to save their relationship its easier to focus on the OW. Some people do stay with a cheater. But the fears and questions never ends. That's not a way to live

But surely Carol wasn't an other woman if nothing actually happened between them? She was just an over familiar work colleague. And, as in all other cases, it could have been stopped much much earlier if your husband had wanted it to. Because eventually he did put a stop to it. Why didn't he do it before? He was clearly more than capable.

If my husband had let you in the front door, I know who would be to blame ;)

@Buildingthefuture
I agree.
It's like - well you didn't promise me not to steel the car off the drive, the milk off the door step , not s* on the carpet (🤣)
But believe me, if DH watched you do it I'd blame you just as much as him.

Agree with this. He must have liked the attention. Imagine being so clueless that your daughter has to yell at you before you get it.

Both were inappropriate. He was lapping it up.

This.

No one, in a truly happy marriage, has an affair.

They happen for a variety of reasons.

The OW isn't the problem here - the marriage is.

I agree with this. I think when people try to save their relationship its easier to focus on the OW. Some people do stay with a cheater. But the fears and questions never ends. That's not a way to live

^^^
Once again focus is on both.
H is ti blame , but some one who knows he's married and didn't say come back when you're divorced , but instead said pick me , leave your wife and come live with me. I know it hurts lots of people but my happiness outweighs all of that -
I think the wife quite rightly can be cross with ow.

@Zebedee55 I disagree. A marriage isn’t a separate, inanimate object. It is two people, both supposedly trying to do the best they can, by each other. If one person chooses to stop thinking about what is best for the the other person ( and therefore the marriage) and decides to shag someone else, that is a person problem. Not a marriage problem. I think it’s fair to say that no marital problems ever, have been solved by shagging ow/om.

@Zebedee55 I was in a really happy marriage (no kids). We had a great life and he really was my best friend. I started a new job, fell totally in lust with a colleague and broke up the marriage for him. Huge mistake in hindsight obviously but was completely led by novelty, flattery and old fashioned physical urges. It's a fallacy to say good marriages aren't vulnerable.

@Orange67 so you can honestly say, if you walked into your own front room and found your DH and me taking a shit on your carpet, you wouldn’t say to DH….”what on earth are you doing? And who the fuck is she?” I believe you would, because most of us have capacity to deal with multiple emotions at once. Human relationships are not linear. It’s not all “his fault” or all “ her fault” but we have capacity to be angry with more than one person. Which, in an infidelity situation, most people are.

@EbonyRaven

So sorry, Carole is exactly the kind of twat I'm talking about.

As for this comment....

*No one, in a truly happy marriage, has an affair.

They happen for a variety of reasons.

The OW isn't the problem here - the marriage is*

You're a bit clueless here. Research shows most affairs happen due to opportunity. Lax boundaries. And personal weaknesses of the cheater. Very, very few actually happen because of problems in the marriage.

Your post above seeks to imply if a woman has a good marriage it's bomb proof. Ergo she has some control and responsibility. You couldn't really be more naive.

Totally agree with you, OP. There's no innocent party here, other than the one being cheated on!

It's not the same thing, I get where you're coming from, but it's one person breaking a vow and it's someone else just having loose morals. It's not the same thing and there are plenty of examples on this thread: I've just read that apparently someone "took" someone's husband "away", so apparently not the husband to blame there at all. That's exactly what happens when we blame the OW, it does take away the blame from the husband. The husband is 100% to blame in my opinion every time. This doesn't make the OW in the right BUT SHE DID NOT CHEAT ON ME.

I don't think anyone's saying you can't be cross with the ow but act she does against a stranger are not of equal value of a husband cheating to someone he knows, lives with and loves.

The other women has no information bar what he's told her about his family, she doesn't have to lie to anyone on a daily basis (well maybe herself). He is happy however to lie gaslight and smile at his wife, tell her he loves her before bed and when he leaves spend vast amount of family time, lying consistently knowing he's shagging around. These are not equal acts of deception.

It's easier to be unkind to a stranger and justify it than someone you know and love (some of the things people put on mn backs up this) the same is true for the OW shagging a married man, as it is for the wife being angry at the OW (rather than her husband)

It maybe easier to swallow that your husband was "stolen", persuaded but it's a cop out. Unless he had a gun to his head he had choices - he could have said no (even to the super model harassing him to have sex with her) I mean how many of you have been out for a walk and slipped and fallen on a dick ?
If he truly had no choice it was rape and he needs to go to the police.

I say this as someone who's ex did cheat. I was pissed off with her for a long while but I was more angry with him. That's my perspective but everyone handles things differently

If you chose to stay and your angry, I get it. I sympathise but your anger is imo at the wrong person and that's what your anger is trying to tell you. Heres the kicker you being angry at her won't stop him doing it again until you get to the actual reason he cheated. The Ow could be anybody. Eliminating one from your lives doesn't mean the problems that caused it goes away. People don't say this to be unkind but to usually help a op see the wood from the trees. A husband caught cheating has skin in the game to try to get you to focus on anyone else but him. People on mn not so much.

People cheat because there's something lacking in them, it's nothing to do with what their current partner lacks or what the OW can offer.

I know it's a unpopular opinion on here but I said what I said.

It always makes me laugh how ow state that an affair would not happen if the marriage was a happy one.

Does this mean if an ow does become the primary partner that if their partner has periods of unhappiness he is perfectly entitled to have an affair.

Are they willing to follow their own advice and not react when their partner looks outwardly for more cake.

Most ow who have gone on to be a primary partner and then been cheated on were utterly devasted, not one on here have shrugged their shoulders and said well he obviously wasn't happy with me.

It's a question of I'm alright Jack so long as it's not happening to me, but when it does Oh I'm going to be hypocritical about this and be upset.

@Kingofx

Surely there is no such thing as a bomb proof marriage. but there are marriages that a far less susceptible. If it is merely a matter of opportunity, there really is little reason to be angry at anything other than chance and probability. The likelihood of fidelity in a marriage is less based upon character and commitment than upon mathematical and statistical probability.

Better to seek a bookie than a priest or rabbi when thinking of marriage.

Totally agree.

Cheaters are arseholes but women who knowingly get involved with married men are also arseholes.

This is an age old misogynistic idea that evil women ‘tempt’ good honest innocent men. It’s fucked up but plenty of cultures insist their women cover up for this very reason so it’s very popular.

Rules of misogyny - ‘women are responsible for what men do’.

But lie to yourself it’s the OW’s fault if that comforts you. 🙄

@Orange67 no, she didn’t. But she DID shit on your living room carpet. And, for me at least, that would not be ok. I would absolutely 100% blame my DH, I do not in anyway buy into the “poor man, he couldn’t escape her evil clutches” bollocks. He made a choice, he could have said no (and honestly? Everyone knows this…for some people it’s just….easier to pretend, which is behind awful) But if she knew about me? Yes, I would absolutely judge her and be pissed off with her “loose morals” Would that reduce the blame for my DH. Absolutely not. But as I keep saying, most people have capacity to be pissed off with more than one person, it’s not an either or.

*beyond awful, not behind!!!