To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

I agree.

When they go out to eat do they insist on everyone eating dairy free? It sounds very precious.

Just a quick note - regular Elmlea contains milk. Elmlea Plant is dairy free and is the best cream alternative on the market, but it is temperamental (e.g. it won't whip as stiffly as dairy cream, and won't stay whipped for as long before it starts to flop). It doesn't taste identical either - though if you're adding in flavours it won't notice.

God no. I'm severely lactose intolerant (would be hospitalised!) and I'd NEVER expect the whole meal to be dairy free for me, or my child. They need to realise eating other foods to everyone else might well be the hand he's been dealt, and to get over it. They could bring their own options for him, or they could host this year! M&S is really bad for milk free stuff.

Cooking Christmas lunch is exhausting enough and you are very generous to do what you do. Remember whatever happens this year will be expected every year, so if you go all dairy free, that's it for the foreseeable.

Alternatively, if you want to calm the drama, could you say you're doing things differently and everyone has to bring certain elements. "Susan, you bring the pigs in blankets, brother, you bring the potatoes." Then it doesn't single out your brother as the only one bringing something special.
I certainly wouldn't bow to pressure from parents. Unless anyone else is offering to host, they really shouldn't get a say.

Ugh you are being MORE THAN accommodating. Don't back down. Let them sort themselves out for Christmas if that's what they choose. When they realise they have cut their noses off to spite their face they'll be back.

Your brother and SIL are being completely bizarre and unreasonable, why on earth would any meal especially Christmas dinner be modelled around a nine year old child? You have said you are catering to him separately and that is very nice of you, do they think his whole life everything will be set around him?

Do not cave, just keep repeating politely what your plan is.

Yeah but it’s not just the potatoes and cake is it? I thought it was when I first commented and said it’s fine, crack on. It’s the turkey too!

Look, I’m always grateful to anyone who caters to me. I never say anything except a genuine thank you. But I do feel left out when I get given completely separate food. I’m an adult, I can handle it, it’s just one meal. But he’s a kid and it’s Christmas. At the very least, the main - turkey - could be df! (And the roasties!)

YANBU - they however are

😂. I do Christmas dinner family style - so big serving dishes of the various potatoes and side all out on the table and people help themselves - some years the kids don’t even touch the roast potatoes - they never take vegetables!!! To be honest there is so much food on the go on Christmas Day for them that they aren’t particularly hungry corn Christmas dinner so it’s really for the adults. No one gets uptight about them taking a Brussels sprout.

I would.

Tonnes of dairy free options now.

Christmas dinner is about family, togetherness and sharing.

Adults can cope for one meal for the sake of that.

OP has made it very clear that she will provide equivalent dairy-free alternatives for the person who needs them, but why does everybody else have to have that as well?

For most people, Christmas dinner isn't just 'one meal' that they wish to 'cope with' - it isn't like grabbing a sandwich whilst working through your lunch break during a very busy Tuesday.

How come there's no problem with the adults drinking alcohol, when the nephew (and other children) presumably won't be? What about if somebody in the family had a small baby - would it be anti-family, togetherness and sharing if everybody else present ate anything apart from milk or mashed-up slop?

Tell your sister that you're not able to cater the new dietary situation and it's best that she cooks her own Christmas meal. Also, mention that don't want to deny your parents a treat so it's not fair to impose a lactose free meal on everyone.

SIL can jump off a cliff for all I would care.

"Hi SIL, I will make sure that nephew is fully catered for. Looking forward to seeing you on the day!"

Skirt round the issue. ;) When she sees the gateaux on the table on xmas day, what's she realistically going to do? Leave?

They’re being unreasonable. Serve him what everyone else has, but roast a few potatoes in sunflower oil and mash a few with dairy free butter for him.

Remind them that they are hosted by you, along with the whole family, every year. Remind them he’s still invited and going to be served a lovely Xmas dinner. Remind them that he won’t even notice it unless they cause a fuss. And remind them that it’s frighin September!

Yes I know there are alternatives for all of these dairy free thanks to the vegan trend - but they are often (sadly) much more expensive, don't taste as nice and are full of UHP foods.

Absolutely this! Some things might not taste that different (eg turkey basted in an alternative fat) but dairy-free mash just isn’t the same.

I do think your brother (and some posters here) are forgetting that the extra work involved is a problem too. If you have to switch pre-prepared turkey crowns for cooking your own turkey that’s a massive increase in workload (for example).

Your SIL is being ridiculous! I say this as a parent of a lactose intolerant child. I love your original idea and me and my child would be so grateful for the options provided.

Also there are lactose drops or chewable pills the child can take if ever there are no alternative options and he just can't resist eating something with dairy.

My child (a teen who is old enough to decide) often gives in to temptation and is willing to face the consequences (which are nausea, cramps and gas, maybe diarrhea if a mild cheese is involved) nothing life threatening.

If someone had a life threatening allergy I would definitely accommodate.

But for lactose intolerance nope I would offer the alternatives for that person alone... I'd maybe have a few small dairy free dessert options to choose from like a mini dessert platter, alongside your dessert of choice, there are many dairy free treats out there which taste amazing and some things that don't 😅

My DD is nut allergic. We have never expected anyone else to go without and always offer to being her own food if it’s inconvenient.
YANBU

the whole meal has to be dairy free.

Will they be operating like this permanently?! I think invites from friends and family may quickly dry up. Not to mention restaurant visits and kids parties!

If everyone with a food intolerance did this, they'd be nothing left on the table!

In our family whoever hosts does starters and turkey and literally nothing else - each family group brings two or three things hot (nobody lives too far away) and things get microwaved or cooked from fresh if absolutely necessary. Restricting everyone's diet based on everyone else's diet would result in an entirely vegan teetotal Christmas!

We still talk about The Christmas of Five Potatoes: good mash, dairy-free mash, good roasties, vegetarian roasties, and some garlic potato experiment that my Dad refused to have down his end of the table. I had them all 😀

With SIL demanding a dairy free meal, it’s clear they no longer see your hosting as a lovely and generous gesture.

They see it as your duty and that they are doing you a favour by gracing you with their presence.

It’s time to readjust their attitude.

What do they do for you? Do they ever host you?

just wow!
stand firm OP. Great that you are compromising with a 2nd turkey crown without butter, and I think doing his potatoes separately is absolutely fine too.

Don’t make your parents sacrifice their regular black forest, gateau either – it is part of your family, Christmas tradition!

You are being generous and thoughtful (love the no-cow flags idea 😊). Look at the voting % to see your support.

Make sure your mum is aware of the options you have given to your brother and SIL, and therefore knows it is him who is putting a dampener on Christmas.

Wow - brother and SIL arrive empty handed but expect oyu to change your already very accommodating plans for their D_F child? Bloody cheek!

Send a family email or whatsapp to everyone who's coming, detailing the menu and special dishes for your DN, and tell brother in that message what you expect him to bring eg 2 x champagne plus after dinner mints.

Remind him you happily host but guests have responsibilities too!

I have conceded on the turkey - one will be basted one won’t. I will also eat the non-basted and he won’t know the difference.

he has special school meals and my sister and brother in law still eat dairy - it isn’t banned in his house. If he goes to restaurants his bothers have dairy options he has the special meals. So he is used to having different things.

i am now thinking of I am being unreasonable then I can’t cater Christmas anymore.

I have everyone in my house for three days. It’s so much work. I am not sure I have the energy or the bandwidth to change everything.

I normally put a huge order in to M&S, and have a big Tesco order. Both are for Christmas Eve - I do no prep before this - a parent from hiring a deep cleaning company to prepare the house!

This just sounds like twice the work. I am already overwhelmed and it’s only September!! I don’t want to create family tension.

Most the pre prepared Christmas stuff from Cook is dairy free.

Tell your sil to cater for her own child. You're already doing extra work without this on top. Your nephew is 9. He's old enough to know that there will be food he can't eat and he'll have to get used to it. What happens if he's invited to a friend's birthday party?

And - I’d like to know the answer to this too?
Is their house now entirely dairy free OP? I mean do they as adults/other kids never have chocolate, ice cream, yoghurt, milk in their tea?

edit - just seen they don’t.
That tells us all we need to know. Do NOT feel guilty, and stand up to them