To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Plus lactose free stuff is ridiculously expensive, it would cost you a fortune to do the whole of Xmas dinner like that unnecessarily.

Turkey, potatoes and vegetables are all naturally lactose-free, dairy-free gravy isn’t any more expensive either. I’m not seeing the additional expense here?

Not the point but why do shop bought roast potatoes have dairy in them?

Id make my own roast pots and buy in the mash, and then a separate mash for nephew. Then it’s only the mash that’s different. But I would never buy ready made potatoes any way so……..

A family member is GF amongst other things and I buy GF alternatives when it makes no odds, sausages etc but I do now buy GF Yorkshire puddings as they just don’t work when I try to make them.

If I were your sil I would be grateful for any effort you made to accommodate your nephew.

Bar the Black Forest everything is readily available dairy free, so it will be easy enough to do the main, then do a DF pudding and a non-DF pudding.

Don’t know what you usually do for starters but soup or melon and Parma ham would be fine for everyone.

Whats the sad alternative?

YANBU
As a parent of kids with allergies he needs to learn that he can't have everything. My 3 year old is very good at saying dies this have dairy in it? ( most of the time). As long as he has enough of the food he likes it shouldn't matter what else is there. For example none of my kids including DSS who has no allergies can eat our Christmas cake as it is laced with brandy.

I also have celiac disease so amaware how annoying food restrictions are.

If she insists then persist with option for her to host or eat at home

I will take it onboard about the turkey and buy one that isn’t prepared in butter.

there will be chocolate in the house that he can’t eat. I haven’t even begun to think about that. We are a big chocolate orphanage family at Christmas. I do hot chocolate and marshmallows for the kids and that should be easy to do dairy free.

there will be lots of food he can eat. It will just be harder work this year. It annoys me that they don’t seem willing to help.

im not mean - I promise. I have taken the kids for days out and I always go somewhere to eat that has dairy free options. But they other kids always just got their normal food. Restaurants are actually easier!

I don't think you are BU about the cake but can you compromise with the potatoes. Tell your DB and SIL that if they can pre-prepare lactose-free ones you'll happily serve them.

I need to know... who are all these people that have MASH in a Christmas dinner?!

That's room on the plate that could be filled by more roasties?! Or honey roasted parsnips? Or pigs in blankets!

Cook does a dairy free pre prepared turkey and all the trimmings. Might be worth a look for an easy life!

Taking the stance that you either will cater all food as lactose free or you won’t is setting up a you against them scenario.

Is there a compromise? Something that shows willing, but doesn’t totally bow down to you doing everything they want at your expense only.

i.e. you have looked through the usual items you buy and say 5 contain lactose, you are happy to make 2 of these lactose free for everyone (will source lactose free pre made mash ect..) 1 will be an alternative (maybe the desserts will be different for kids and adults) and 1 you won’t manage to change and so they can either bring lactose free for all or source an alternative?

I would make sure the majority of things are suitable for him. So, rather than tossing carrots in sage butter for example, I would do a pot of the butter on the side. I'd do roasties in oil (would anyway) and baste turkey in oil too.

You can buy some Elmlea cream for puddings, but of course you can do an adult pudding he can't eat. Kids don't usually eat sherry trifle.

YANBU

I would have more sympathy with them if this was a severe anaphylactic allergy to milk which could be triggered by a little cross contamination - but a lactose intolerance isn't like that. Plenty of lactose intolerant people choose to eat dairy and suffer the digestive side effects later.

I'm veggie and if I was going to be hosted at someone else's house I'd offer to bring my own main which could be chucked in the oven, and ask if some roast veg could be done in veg oil not goose fat.

This has the energy of the family member I hosted for Christmas last year. They were the sole meat eater attending the Christmas dinner at my house.

I found a mini oven they could use solely for their meat - I needed the space in the main oven for everyone's veg and trimmings (mostly), and the veggie main (about a sixth of the oven space).

I heard no end of whining about how the mini oven wasn't big enough for a portion of meat for one person, how he'd told his butcher who thought it was outrageous, and how he should be given the main oven for his dish. In the end I told him he could come around mine and shut up about it, or spend Christmas alone with his own oven. He came.

I usually do different starters for the kids anyway because they don’t like seafood. They have cocktail sausages and mini pizzas. I can so dairy free mini pizzas easily enough and all the kids can just have dairy free for this.

I’ve switched my vote, sorry, OP. The best bits of the meal have added dairy - turkey, potatoes, pudding. Giving him separate food and making him feel different and left out is a bit unfair. Especially as turkey and potatoes don’t need dairy to make them taste good!!!

I don’t think everything has to be DF. But these should be because I can’t see how that’d be more expensive / more effort. I bet you can get them from M&S Christmas shop. Even if just the roasties and turkey crown dairy free, not the mash or Black Forest gateaux.

Guys... lactose and dairy are not the same thing! Lactose free milk is still normal cows milk!

To answer the OP, if he's getting the full meal than YANBU. It is shit to feel left out, but as long as he's having a proper Christmas dinner, he won't be.

If you are making cakes, just make them lactose free. Again, this doesn't mean vegan.

Is their house now entirely dairy free OP? I mean do they as adults/other kids never have chocolate, ice cream, yoghurt, milk in their tea?

Yes I know there are alternatives for all of these dairy free thanks to the vegan trend - but they are often (sadly) much more expensive, don't taste as nice and are full of UHP foods.

Your brother/SIL sound very cheeky already arriving empty handed with kids in tow for Christmas... to add all these extra demands and expense to the host is very poor.

I'd go ahead as you'd planned. I'm sure the nephew will be just fine and happy with his meal... if the SIL sulks then yes maybe she needs to host in future!

They are being outrageous.

I host Christmas for 10 plus people every year. We have a couple of vegetarians attend. They are happy with the vegetarian option I offer. If they demanded the entire meal was vegetarian, they would be welcome to eat elsewhere.

You’re amazing and I’m raging on your behalf that you’re being bullied into making everyone’s meal lactose free. It’s a lovely thing that you do for your family and even if you are ‘lazy’ there is a huge amount of preparation and expense. It sounds like you have thought it through and your nephew will have plenty to eat and enjoy, it’s madness, you are not remotely unreasonable.

My feelings too.

You must be some sort of saint OP to do all that work on your own and then get this entitled attitude on top.

Time to be assertive - and they can suck it up.

I have a lactose intolerant child - that doesn’t mean that our whole family has to eat the same lactose free foods! Utterly bonkers. Sometimes my son can’t eat what the others are having, but has his own different meal or treat. Yes sometimes that sucks, but he’s used to it and 99% of the time I can find him a dairy free alternative. If we are eating at someone else’s house, I always pay for and bring along the dairy free version for him, I would never ask a host to go out of their way for us.
I would be very firm with your family - this is what I will be cooking, there will be a lactose free version for the child. If that isn’t good enough for you, then you can either host in your house, or you can come to my house but do all the cooking for everyone. You have been more than accommodating and kind. They are being utter twats.

@15PiecesOfFlair You need bigger plates - plenty of room for potatoes three ways in our house at Christmas! And don’t forget the Yorkshire Puds!

How is it "sad" to have your own serving of potatos you know won't harm you?

My Christmas is always full of various dietary requirements and they always appreciate when I make them their own sides etc that are clearly for them and safe.

My son has a cow milk allergy and I wouldn't even expect you to cater to him for the main meal. I'd just bring food for him with us. Yanbu

YANBU. In fact you are teaching a great lesson in a family setting with plenty of adults to monitor this. Not every food he will encounter is suitable and it's good to reinforce that in a safe environment. I would hope his parents could see the benefit of that.

Having said that, I am also lactose intolerant and you can get lactose free milk, cream (single) and butter. So you could in theory to one mash for all if you wanted to do so.

OP, your entire family (except sis and BIL) are taking advantage of you.

Please don’t give in to these demands.

Tell them they are welcome to sit this Christmas out and have it on their own in their house.

And ask DB and SIL for a contribution from
now on.

The problem with being generous is you get taken for granted. These people are forgetting that you paying and doing the work.

Your DB has shown he is a CF so treat him like one.