To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

I am also lactose intolerant and quite badly so.
As long as it is not an allergy as well, different ball game, then why not take "lactaid" prior to eating? I did that for years until I could get lactose-free butter, cheese, milk and cream to cook with.
You said that you usually order full dinner. If taking dairy digestive enzyme is not an option, I can't imagine why, how about splitting cooking with your sil instead?
Honestly, lactose intolerance isn't the crisis it was when I was younger. 🤷‍♀️

You have offered a great alternative and are accommodating his needs - no one else has to have a different meal as long as he gets the same dairy free alternative I don’t see the issue.

My granddaughter is lactose intolerant and at family meals she loves having her own bowls just for her…. Sausage and mash we have big bowl of mash with butter and cream and she has her bowl to take from with her non dairy milk and vegan butter spread Same with pasta sauces or curry - just make her a little bowl with her milk or spread.

At 9 he is old enough to understand. If there is alcohol on the table they are saying he can’t have that, if there was a boozy desert we wouldn’t let the kids have that, but we’d make sure they had deserts they’d love and you are proposing to do that for his meal and pudding.

Veg with vegan spread instead of butter, chicken breast like you said, roasties in oil ….. I don’t see their issue.

There are loads of vegan ice creams and chocolates now - as long as he has that option he is old enough to understand.

There are also loads of biscuits that are non dairy- Jammie Dodgers and gingerbread men are our granddaughter’s favourites.

I think they are being unreasonable not you.

They have an easy ( and cheap) ride it sounds food wise !

Another option would be to say as you couldn’t get it all dairy free and can’t cater for that many people on your own, this year they all need to bring part of the meal ready to heat up. So the parents can do dairy free whatever they want that you buy dairy but enough portions for everyone. Get someone else to do dairy free puddings etc. I am sure when they need to do a load of the work instead of you doing it all your SOL may feel differently!

@Bellyblueboy You are bloody amazing! I am sad to see you getting a hard time by some given the time, effort and money you are investing. Your brother sounds like an utter shitgibbon and should actually bring suitable food for his kid.

I honestly can’t get over the batshit entitlement of your brother and sil, and I’m not too impressed by your DM either.

I understand you’re clearly too nice to do this, but please reconsider hosting this year and booking yourself a bloody amazing holiday for yourself. They don’t deserve so much as a chocolate gold coin from you let alone all the money, time and effort you spend.

Christmas 2024 is a long time for them to try to break your resolve, and I don’t doubt they will, please remember to reread this thread if you start to wobble.

Please make a new thread where we can help you plan you amazing Christmas next year. Would you go for snow or sun?

I am stunned your brother doesn't even get you a present. And your neices and nephews should as well (not paying and with help choosing). You are being treated as a cash cow!

Buy a serving for the nephew but the rest of the family can eat regular roast and mashed potatoes.

So everyone should have a lousy tasting meal because of one person? I expect the mother will be going to the school demanding the whole school go lactose free next.

If OP kowtows to them this meal, then it will be every meal. There will be plenty for the kid to eat, since the OP plans to make sure he has plenty and it's only one meal, so he can cope, since he'll need to learn to do that someday.

So, your B/SIL are just being "precious" by trying to demand you make a lactose-free Christmas. Just send then this thread or hope that the Daily Mail picks it up and they can read about their unreasonable demands and entitled behavior. Then give them a list of what they can bring for Christmas. It's generous and nice to host but when you are being taken advantage of by someone, it quickly becomes less fun.
What you have already decided to do is MORE (actually too much) than enough to satisfy your DN needs. Oh, and eat the basted turkey! Baste the other one in lactose free butter or chicken stock mixed with a bit of oil and spices.

It's not really about the dairy is it? It's db showing he has power. Sad bastard.

Reminds me of this thread; although that's a pet allergy.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjSgIPq0LOBAxUoQ0EAHagHARc4ChAWegQICxAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.mumsnet.com%2Ftalk%2Fam_i_being_unreasonable%2F4786430-what-will-school-actually-be-able-to-do-about-this&usg=AOvVaw2miicRF2V2x4yKbE3HNGxq&opi=89978449

Your brother doesn’t even get you a present? I’m not in the least bit materialistic, but given how much you do in terms of hosting and gift giving to the kids, I’m livid on your behalf. What does your mum say when she sees he has come empty handed?

Can you please be MY Aunty?!

Also, your Dad sounds hilarious

Christmas dinner is about family, togetherness and sharing.

I don't think DB and SIL are quite as into sharing as other family members !

I still can't quite reconcile how DB is demanding a completely dairy-free meal for everybody, yet is fully expecting the foodstuffs containing dairy that HE wants. It's like Schroedinger's meal.

I can't get my head around this, as the only other explanation I could think of would necessitate DB being a hypocritical, selfish idiot...

OP you’re being pounced on for nothing here! You are being more than reasonable and the message you sent on the WhatsApp is perfect! You obviously love your nephew very much.

surely it’s common sense to any parent that if you going for dinner elsewhere and you child has an allergy that 1) the host caters specifically for the child’s allergy (which OP has said she would do) or 2) the parents bring there own alternatives along if there not happy with the choice on offer.. or 3) they could cater for themselves at home and come along afterwards if there going to dictate what everyone else eats?

OP try your best to make as much dairy free as possible (veg etc is naturally dairy free).. but otherwise do what you do! Make him a dairy free option and let everyone else have normal! It all looks the same, so he won’t know.. maybe you could have a dessert for the adults and a dairy free dessert for the children?..

they can’t dictate the day, if they are willing to be that rude they are willing to bring along there own food or offer to help you cook on the day as it will be more cooking for you!

you sound like your dealing with it very well and sound like a very caring aunt! Take no notice of the mob on here!❤️

The Brother and SIL aren’t being precious. They’re being manipulative and downright nasty.

If they were precious about the child’s eating then they’d have been in making demands of the school - they haven’t.

If they were being precious they’d have complained about other events - they haven’t.

If they were being precious they have been super careful themselves - they haven’t.

It’s a manipulative move designed to make the Op - who sounds like the family scapegoat despite everything she does - look like the bad guy. A terrible person who won’t even put her poor nephew first on Christmas Day.

If the OP had said up front “oh btw I’m going to make everything DF for newphews sake” brother and Amy would have no doubt accused her of using nephew to gain points. I’d put money on that they’d have said she was accusing them of being bad parents because they don’t do that etc.

@Bellyblueboy Your brother is manipulative. Nothing you do will be good enough. Yet he’ll still be there eating your food and abusing your hospitality.

We are in same situation except that DSis has never made any requests. When DN was little I made it completely dairy free as he was severely allergic so I didn't want to take chances. Since then I have compromised by not using butter on the bird, gravy or potatoes and veg. I do make bread sauce traditionally as it is much nicer. We have smoked salmon without butter on the bread or other dairy free canapés.
Cheese and biscuits are offered . Puddings g wise there is Xmas pudding with dairy accompaniments , fruit salad , a dairy free pudding of some sort and dairy free ice cream. I don't think DN feels left out .

The more I read the more disgusted I am of your brothers behaviour

He is too lazy to cook lf for his son but expects you to

He contributes to nothing

And what's your fab pudding which his son doesn't eat anyway banned

I would be very blunt and I did like your wats app message

and just say if you do come then bring lf potatoes and pudding for your son

Can't beleive you spend £3k on food and presents every year

Def don't do it next year

Can I be cheeky and ask how old you are @Bellyblueboy

Then we'd be eating at DBs and he can do it however he likes!

I am early forties. I am the youngest. Brother in the middle. Sister is the oldest.

brother is mum’s favourite - she would make the girls do all the housework but he got off Scott free. For example I was expected to wash his rugby kit when we were at school. Apparently the washing machine was beyond him!!

Dad stays out of it. Apart from the occasional well timed emoji on the family WhatsApp group!

OP i think you should sack your brother off and adopt me and your kids into your family 😂.

I'm irrationally annoyed on your behalf. Shut down any further mention of how 'unfair' you're being from either enabling mum or ungrateful brother and make it clear that this extra stress has made you come to the decision taht this will be your last year hosting.

Flag system is perfect and shows just how much extra effort you are going to. I like the wee flag i get in my meal, it makes me feel more confident that it is not going to harm me.You are hosting so it is your decision how and what you serve. I'd also be tempted to dish out jobs. Brother you guys bring the DF puds and ill get...

Honestly can't believe how ungrateful your family sound.

£2,000 on presents
Glad to hear you're fucking it off for next year. Think of the wonderful holiday that £3,000 Christmas money will get you.

then its not too labourious for the parents of the kid to do that is it?

I would be Ragin at them asking me to make the whole meal dairy free as it's not "fair" but realistically your nephew won't care so i don't know why they think he would.

Not really much dairy in a Christmas dinner, bar the mash. I'm confused as to the milk products in roasties tho? Literally scratching my head thinking about it here 😂

Not really much dairy in a Christmas dinner, bar the mash. I'm confused as to the milk products in roasties tho? Literally scratching my head thinking about it here

Cooked in butter - as OP has stated.