To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

This is my view

Order the bits of the main meal you can ready made, make the potatoes from scratch - make it clear everyone is chipping in with this. Order the bits he won't eat as normal anyway.

Some of my family members are intolerant/allergic to various foods; they bring their own. This includes young children, who have been taught from an early age to be careful and that they get special food that no one else gets - it's a treat! One is 8 and is quite happy to have her own special food. yanbu.

They’re being really precious and unreasonable about it - he has to learn there will be things he can’t eat - what about when he goes to a party and can’t have the ice cream for example? Tell them to have their own lunch at home if they don’t want to come

I would also take no notice it if it was my DM saying she was upset. Your whole Christmas sounds like a lot of work.

Can't you find dairy free alternatives for spuds and a different dessert for him? Aunt Bessie's are dairy free.

My daughter is gf and I do most stuff gf but she can't eat bread sauce/stuffing and has a separate pudding.

As an aside OP, my DS was CMP and we always relied on Alpro chocolate desert for a pudding option and he used to call the Christmas pudding. Got a few odd looks when he used to get excited at 'Christmas Puds' when he saw them on the shelf

You cant make a legit dairy free bread sauce or cauliflower cheese anyway and like you say the puddings wont be dairy free

YABU about the potatoes. It's not exactly laborious to do your own dairy free ones or even find some suitable ready done ones and they are a pretty integral part of the meal for most people.
Everything else YANBU.

I am lactose intolerant. I go to my sisters and husband who cooks. There is no way I would insist it’s all lactose free. He just puts aside some veg and potatoes and does the rest as he does normally

just get some normal potatoes and veg in packets, he can have that, along with the turkey etc.

He has to learn there is stuff he can’t eat that other can and your brother and wife are making it much worse

I think it’s reasonable to expect you to cater for an invited guest, and he should be able to eat the main meal. So I think the potatoes, meat, gravy etc should be dairy free, which really isn’t a huge hassle. It’s ok to give him a separate dessert and to have some stuff he can’t eat, but YABU if you don’t make the main meal dairy free.

But can you get dairy free prepared? Maybe you can. I even buy two large turkey crown - they are butter basted. So I was going to do him a chicken breast separately (he wouldn’t notice the difference). Veg would be the same and gravy. He would have a good dairy free meal.

I don’t have a lot of time.

my brother’s house isn’t big enough to host seven adults and five children - I have a big kitchen and lots of space and a table that can take all the adults, with space for a second table for the kids.

Cheeky buggers

You've bent over backwards to host and accommodate this. Your sil is batshit.

Don't give in to her entitlement.

Counter message saying you have gone tee total and expect everyone else to or you will feel left out..

OP has already said that she is catering for him, she will do portions for him that are dairy free, shes not going to leave him without a pudding

This is about expecting that the whole meal is dairy free for the others

And trying to compare aunt bessie's roasties to Marks and Spencer????!!!!

He's 9, so perfectly capable of understanding what he can and can't eat, so you're doing exactly the right thing!

🤯 our DD is egg and milk free. We never ask anyone to go out of their way for her. If we are eating somewhere we always say we will bring something suitable for her. She is 3 and understands if she eats certain things it’ll make her poorly.

To allow her to feel included we bake birthday cakes suitable for her to eat for our immediate family, and now grandparents have started to ask for their cakes to be baked so she can eat them too. The extra work is all on me, as it should be as it’s my job to keep her safe!!

We will have Christmas dinner as just the 4 of us, DD’s allergies being part of the reason (also the overwhelm for 2 small kids!)

Just buy him this. Problem solved. Do the rest as normal including the cake. He will have his alternative. I would do this and not discuss it any further.

@Bornonsunday , @PatsWoggle and all the others who didn’t RTFR - the OP has already said, and clarified, that she is making DAIRY FREE POTATOES AND ROADT POTATOES AND DESSERT for her nephew.

OP you are an angel - and I say this as someone who always cooks Christmas dinner for the family. Calmly tell your SM what you are doing and see if she can talk to
your brother. Oh and your brother and SIL are CFs.

I am of course going to do dairy free potatoes etc for him - his meal will essentially be the same as everyone relates just bespoke. I was proposing everyone else can have butter and cream in their potatoes- his potatoes won’t.

this isn’t a question of not catering for him. I absolutely will. I just don’t want to have to make a dairy free meal for seven adults and four children who can eat dairy.

Aa others have said your DN will need to get used to it and if he has school dinners or even pecked lunch he will be used to eating different foods.
Your mum doesn't need to be upset with you. Your brother can host everyone or he can come round for coffee and presents so if your brother won't do that then your mum needs to talk to him
Your brother and SIL sound like a pair of entitled twats. I would consider saying you aren't hosting anymore and everyone else can take it in turns or they can stop being idiots and accept the world doesn't resolve around their son.

Well now you are being mean! It’s awful to invite someone for Christmas then pick a turkey they can’t share. Especially when meat is naturally dairy free and you can easily get a turkey that hasn’t been basted in butter. I agree with your inlaws now, you just don’t want to make any effort to include him.

Stick to your V reasonable plan OP, I think you’ll find the family will still attend.

M&S don't appear to do dairy free mash, which is odd as they have a big vegan range. Tesco and ASDA both do. Dairy free roasties again shouldn't be difficult to find.
M&S do look like they have great vegan puds, which will all be dairy free.
Your SiL is not only BVVUR but a bit nuts 😢

I think they’re being unreasonable - but I can see why they’d want him to be able to eat the mash and roasties. He’s a kid and most kids eat mainly that on Christmas don’t they?! But as you’ve already said, you were going to do some for him separately. Did you tell them that?

But I bet m&s’s Christmas shop has vegan mash and roasties that you could get for everyone to make your life easier! Bet they’ll be just as nice.

The other things - Black Forest gateaux etc - if that’s a thing you always do, keep doing it. He doesn’t like it anyway!

I would accommodate an airborne allergy like peanuts but your brother and his wife are being unreasonable. Your mother is unreasonable to be pissed off at you but I'm guessing that your brother is trickier to fall out with.