To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

You might be a genuine saint. Practice saying this for when your mother next says something about brother: mum the lazy tosser doesn’t even make sure his child eats dairy free when he takes him out, he’s too lazy and selfish to be a great dad and he’s a terrible brother who treats me like crap, take his behaviour over these Christmas plans for example. I’m going to more effort for his child than he ever has, and it’s still not enough so if you want to have a go at someone, call him and tell him to pull his head in and put a bit more effort into feeding ds dairy free himself since he’s the actual father. I don’t want to hear another word about it. He never brings anything for Christmas, not so much as a bottle of wine or a tub of olives and definitely no present for me and he really does deserve having to cook his own Christmas meal at his own house. I’m an amazing sister and daughter and you could try giving me some credit for that sometime you know.

in your shoes I’d pick some dish, like dessert, message my sister to NOT volunteer to bring it and on the whatsapp say you bring a dairy free dessert suitable for the kids thanks. That way it’s on them to at least bring something and if they don’t and their own child misses out They did effectively bring the huge neon lit sign saying ‘we are crappy lazy parents’

and enjoy your New York Christmas! It is magical then! Make sure you book it!!

Me too! I remember being single and buying presents for godchildren, nieces and nephews etc. I never understood why the parents of those children never thought about my birthday/Christmas, not because I needed a gift or any shit, but because I spent time and energy with their kids and money on gifts for their bdays and Xmas and it felt utterly unappreciated. To spend so much (time and £) and end up with so little appreciation does get wearing over time. But as with you, I would never consider not buying for the kids or not taking them out as an option - I loved them dearly - but it did stick in the craw that I looked after and remembered their kids all year and yet no one ever looked out for or remembered me.

I have never forgotten this as a smug married and always always over-appreciate any time and energy spent on my kids, which I return in time and appreciation for the giver of that time and energy.

Op, please update us. I’m massively over invested now and want to know how things pan out. Masses of luck and courage.

That is utterly shocking, sexist, misogynistic, and bordering on abusive. I would have refused flat out.

Exactly this. I was the first of my siblings to have DC and always tried to compensate by giving nice gifts, feeding them etc

My DC now have one single uncle who not only spoils them but he is invested in them and their lives. Every Christmas he joins us for a meal and to see the pantomime - this is absolutely our treat.

This has me reminiscing over an old boy, whose mum was the same... His sister has to do a lot and I was expected to when we moved in but he didn't have to lift a finger. Even her mum told me to make sure he did his share 😂 Oh I think I got away lucky there!!

Just say you want to take a break as done it for so long, you want time to yourself. Enjoy!!

@PatsWoggle - the OP is making dairy free roasties and mashed potato specially for her nephew. Isn't that enough?

Well, OP, plenty of good advice - what you're doing this year sounds perfect - but it's time to make a big announcement with the christmas toasts, and say it's been fun but it's someone's else's turn next year.

And stick to it!!

Do a pot-luck dinner this year: everyone can bring a dish (and everyone can get blamed if they "get it wrong)

Then spend January looking for tickets for Bali for Xmas '24.

Please do give us an update, OP - I’m invested too!

I do think that single & childless relatives can get taken for granted and their time & money treated as communal resources in some families. It’s not fair and you deserve proper appreciation for all you are adding to your nephews lives.

I bet by setting this (well overdue) boundary with your family, it will give them cause to reconsider exactly how much you do for them and how lucky they are to have you. I expect there will be a few tantrums thrown first (by the adults) but, once they’ve had a chance to reflect, I do hope the dynamics will change.

It sounds like you’ve got some exciting plans too - enjoy!

Bellyblueboy · Yesterday 21:23
Thanks for all the supportive message and suggestions. I have noted down the lactose free deserts and will ask him what he would like. My sister will also make sure she gets something nice for desert.

I went for drinks with some friends this afternoon and discussed this. I have decided I won’t host Christmas next year. This is my farewell tour😂. I will ask my sister to host my parents so I don’t feel guilty and my brother can take care of himself.

I totalled how much I spent on food and wine and champagne and cleaning companies and it is well over £1,000. The presents is another £2,000.

I will still give food presents - but the main present will be for me!

thank you to all - and sorry to the batshit people!! We just aren’t on the same wave length.

Perfect! Enjoy New York or wherever you go - with what you'll save on hosting Christmas for your ungrateful brother and demanding mother, you can have a super holiday. Can't believe golden child brother doesn't even bring you a token present or tin of Quality Street, what an entitled meanie!

I shocked by the little digs from Amy. You sound like an amazing Aunt and Sister. But suspect golden balls is hard work as a husband given he grew up with his sisters having to wait on him and do his laundry.

£3k could buy you an amazing holiday /cruise over Xmas next year

Just tell them you have been to the doctors and been diagnosed arsehole intollerant. You are not allowed to around arseholes anymore.

Just tell them all christmas at yours is the ways its always been or to let you know the alternative venue and time to attend.

Let arseholes deal with being arsehoes themselves. They will have had much more practice than you.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
I misinterpreted this from OP's second post due to the typo. I was going to make him his own little bowl of mash and roast potatoes. It would’ve too much work to do this for one person.

Just read all of your comments OP. Wow!!

From what i read you must be the single, successful, well off sister. Correct? Nothing to be ashamed about

Your parents are the ones who really have responsibility for this because with one simple conversation they could sort your brother and SIL attitude out.

Am i reading correctly you spend ££££ on food and ££££ more on presents? And you dont even get any decent presents in return. Your parents stay in their own little living quarters......OMG do you live in the house from Home Alone?

Is there a possibility that you need them all to fulfil your own empty huge trophy house at Christmas and maybe your brother has some ill feelings towards having it shoved down his throat? Possibly doesnt appreciate having his festive times micro managed?

I reckon there is lots more to this than them just being arseholes and you not wanting to change things.

@PatsWoggle (love the nickname, btw) - sorry if I was snippy.

Honestly, if I were you @Bellyblueboy, I'd be doing lots of research into holidays abroad (or even at home) where you can stay over for Christmas and NYE and not bother my arse about the rest of them this year. Can you imagine where you could stay for £2k??? It would be pretty amazing.

Apart from the occasional well timed emoji on the family WhatsApp group!

😂😂😂

Fabulous-you sound great Op!

I think if Op were cooking from scratch it might be easy enough to look at lactose free alternatives for everyone & as an adult I'd happily accept that if it was easier than doing two lots of certain stuff.

Tbh I'd happily forgo Black Forest Gateaux if it would upset my GS.

That's not the case here though!

All the best to you Op & good luck for Christmas 2024-love to hear what do do then!

I think I'd try and do the whole thing dairy free, substitute plant milks and vegan cream and marg etc for butter and milk/cream etc where you can and book a delivery with whichever supermarket does roast spuds and so on that are milk free. It's easier tbh doing one lot of food than separate stuff for one person and a great deal easier to serve. You don't know where this kid is in his journey to accept his dietary restrictions, he may still be hypersensitive to being singled out as different. A bit of forward planning required but not a lot more effort on the day. Supermarkets do give a list of what's in their products online while you're shopping. You have to consider making sure utensils don't get reused on the table and contaminating the carefully cooked food for someone's special diet and from experience I can tell you that isn't easy over a festive meal and cross contamination can happen very easily. I think if the family are all cooking to this dietary requirement maybe you can consider doing so as well. Things might not taste as nice without the dairy but at least you are all having the same experience. X

Practice saying this for when your mother next says something about brother: mum the lazy tosser doesn’t even make sure his child eats dairy free when he takes him out, he’s too lazy and selfish to be a great dad and he’s a terrible brother who treats me like crap...

Surely Op's Mum will just say that it's up to nephew's mum to make sure the house is dairy/lactose free & why shouldn't Op treat everyone as she can afford it?

Not sure that she'll ever see Op's pov when it's different to her brother's!

Does the MN App not allow users to see beyond the OP's opening post or something? I'm seeing so many more posts these days where someone's stuck on Page 1, Post #1.

@AutumnCrow I was thinking the same thing! so annoying!

@Bellyblueboy I would book your Xmas trip ahead of time. don't say anything to them yet. when Xmas planning time comes around next year, just casually drop it in that you won't be around so will give them their presents before you leave. no grand announcement I.e. sorry I am not doing Xmas anymore. just be very blasé about it. and leave it as late as possible so less time to throw crap at you or horror of all horrors them wanting to come along. Trust me I have a very similar mother. also tell them it's non refundable even if its not.

Good advice @therealcookiemonster. Tell them in time for them to get their M&S order in though!

What a tight git your brother is!

No gift for you as a host, no contribution to the Xmas vittles, no token gift afterwards as a thank you. Does he even get his sons to say thank you for their presents?

@Tessasanderson doesn’t appreciate having his festive time micromanaged? What? Whilst trying to micro manage OP cooking for everyone in her own home? He’s perfectly welcome to host himself. End of story.