To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Remember whatever happens this year will be expected every year, so if you go all dairy free, that's it for the foreseeable.

Yes, this - or it could get even more restrictive.

What if one of them, say, decides to go vegan next year. Will they expect you to cater suitably for them (not unreasonable), or will they expect everybody else to forego meat, as well as dairy?

I have mobility problems, but I don't yell at people running through the street or park for being 'selfish'.

I'm lactose intolerant.

At family meals I have been offered a large bowl of green salad when others were having lovely food and been told that that is my dairy free option and that they are bending over backwards accommodating me.

If this is new, your relatives may be worried about what your "accommodations" actually are going to be, they don't want to have to deal with an upset 9 year old who is still hungry after everyone else has eaten.

You can buy pre-prepared dairy free stuff. No problem.

Maybe worth talking to your relatives and stating explicitly what you are planning on providing?

I do think you need to have dairy free food. It's not your nephew's fault he can't eat bog standard prepared foods.

However he's going to have to get used to the idea that there will always be things and people eating things that he can't have.

To take the sting out of it try and find a nice pud for him? Free from foods are a lot better than they used to be so it's not much extra effort on your part

FYI roast potatoes are dairy free(spud, oil, salt) plus cheap and easy to make.
Mash doesn’t belong on Christmas dinner, turkey, gravy, stuffing, vegetables all dairy free too. You can get dairy free butter if you like to add butter to veg. Cranberry sauce is dairy free. A roast is probably one of the easiest dairy-free meals to make!

All those who say, basically, single out the child clearly have never had real life experience of dealing with allergies.
If the child likes the Christmas meal, then having a separate option will make him feel excluded. Surely the adults are the ones who can adapt?

Of course the child may hate Christmas dinner (my two do) in which case this could be the opportunity to make him feel special by discussing with him what he would like for each course. But ideally the aunt should provide this too, it is quite disheartening to be made to feel so much of a hassle that even your close family cannot be bothered to cook for you on a special day.

Btw, I say this from the point of view of a mother of two severely allergic children. We do have to cater for one of them separately all the time because he can react to cross-contamination and it takes a long time to understand the lengths one must go to, to keep him safe. But for the other one everyone in our family does their best to make sure he can be like his cousins and pick what he likes from shared dishes etc.

Giving him separate food and making him feel different and left out is a bit unfair.

Perhaps this woe is me mentality needs shifting.

“Auntie has put in lots of effort to make sure your Christmas dinner isn’t going to upset your tummy. You’ve got your own special bowl of potatoes, and your own special cake. Isn’t that lovely and inclusive and caring”.

As an adult you should know fair doesn’t mean equal. It would be unfair if op plopped down a plate of lactose free food that didn’t resemble anything like the others or just didn’t cater for him at all.

I don’t live in an area that cook delivers to unfortunately.

Oh please. I wanna eat what I wanna eat for Xmas dinner. And that means all the dairy. The exception would be if the dairy free family was hosting, then I'd eat what they were eating and not expect something different for me.

The OP is hosting, why should every other guest change what they're eating to accomodate just one guest so they don't feel 'left out'?

And yes, I'm aware the dairy free guest is a child, but all this is teaching him is he gets to dictate to everyone else.

They can cook the roast potatoes & mash for him and bring it over. No way should they be putting demands on someone who is cooking to change the entire meal for them. Especially if they are aware you don’t cook from scratch. As you say they can host or cook at yours, or bring over suitable food. I’m afraid the child is going to have to get used to not being able to eat everything, at parties / other peoples houses. He’s 9, not 4.

I think your brother and SIL are being very unreasonable and entitled. I would do what you normal do and then accommodate your nephew. I think it is important to set clear boundaries.

It’s only September, it’s not too late to change the goalposts!

You have lots of options.

It sounds like you don’t even want to host and I don’t blame you.

you could all go out for a meal.

You could all squeeze into someone else’s house.

You could have just your parents.

I believe the op is having some dairy free which is fair, a whole event does not have to cater to one person I would never in a million years ask for that for me or my child

You are not being unreasonable. I'm allergic to wheat, and have to trust my own judgement on food, based on my knowledge of what goes into what, and the character and dependability of the person / people preparing / cooking my food.

A nine year old needs to know that too. It's really important that he doesn't imagine that every attractive food he sees is safe for him to eat, and to know how to assess his safety - but also that he can trust you, his auntie, to look after him.

His mother's attitude has potential to endanger him.

I don't want to de-rail but feel it's worth saying. Not all vegan food is suitable for milk allergy sufferers. My bf has a severe milk allergy and has unfortunately been very ill after eating vegan food. Once because she chose a vegan burger, the burger and cheese were milk free but the bread roll it came in had milk in. She always checks now and it's been surprising how many vegan meals have actually been unsafe for her. I know lactose intolerance is different but just a warning when eating out.

Exactly. These people turn up empty handed every year.

Don’t even provide the dairy free options, that’s cheeky!

I’ve just seen that you tend to serve the dinner “family style”. Is their concern actually that there could be cross-contamination between dairy and non-dairy dishes (e.g. if people are less than careful about using the same utensils for different dishes)? If so, is there anything you or the rest of the family could do to reassure them on that point?

Omg no! How selfish of them, I think the idea of flags is a great idea however not so sure of the Coe being crossed out myself. Maybe they want it more discreet like different coloured serving bowls or something? I dunno really ! What a pain!!

This is ridiculous. You DN will need to learn throughout his life what he can and can’t eat and choose appropriately. He’s old enough to do that !
My DGD is dairy intolerant. Obviously I’m happy to cater for her separately and I use diary free products in my cooking for the rest of the family where it makes no difference but my DD doesn’t expect the whole family to go without the foods they enjoy .

If you’re not cooking from scratch this is going to be a pain as it won’t be easy to find ready prepared dairy free food .
I would stick to your guns and either provide him with a separate meal or tell your DB to bring your nephews dairy free meal and youll do everyone else’s .
At the end of the day , if you’re doing the hosting then it’s on your terms . Your DB and family can choose whether to come or not .

OP, have you always been mugged off by your family like this? Why are you doing all the cooking? Why can't everyone chip in by bringing a dish? Why are you doing it for two days in a row? Why are you doing it at all???

It strikes me there's something very wrong in your family dynamic if your sil and brother feel entitled to bully you like this and load extra work on you, and your parents allow them to do it. Are you the family scapegoat?

Just tell them they’re hosting this year as you don’t want to run the risk. So they do it to showcase how a dairy free Christmas dinner can be made. Sorted!

he has special school meals and my sister and brother in law still eat dairy - it isn’t banned in his house. If he goes to restaurants his bothers have dairy options he has the special meals. So he is used to having different things.

As Uncle Bryn would say, "What I call a hypocrite!"

I think a number of people on here haven't read the thread properly or at all. OP is going to give him dairy-free alternatives of the same foods; she isn't planning on plonking a small bowl of dry cornflakes in front of him whilst everybody else tucks into the full trimmings.

Yanbu - I make our Xmas dinner both gluten and dairy free but that's because a) I'm the one who's gluten and dairy free so I'm not cooking what I can't eat plus im not the only one who has one to more allergies, b) i cook everything from scratch anyhow and c) im a really good cook and no one is aware it's all gluten and dairy free!! And even then I quite often make a dish that I don't like but others do with dairy in it because it's easier to do. In your circumstances I would make sure he had options and thats it. Trying to buy dairy free for everything is both very difficult, you'll end up with a lower quality offering and - for the main reason! - it will cost you a fortune!! Free from stuff is expensive.
You're absolutely right to say this is how im dong it, if you don't like it, you cook.
Also IME with allergies kids, as long as you throw in a few of their treats that they can eat they really don't give a damn that they can't have the adult dishes that they would take one mouthful of anyhow. YANBU

As a mum to a child (now adult) with food intolerances I would agree with you. Your providing dn with a Christmas dinner but also catering for others. As long as dn will get some potatoes I'd say there's nothing wrong with this. My adult dc would also agree. It is difficult to have a balance (I had/have two dc with differing intolerances and 1 with none) it needed to be a happy balance and often that was/is an alternative to a pudding or a different element made for the main. I'd suggest you make a small portion of potatoes df (or your dB brings some) and you provide an equivalent pudding that's suitable. The other issue is obviously the cost of everything if its all dairy free is obviously more. When putting things out on the table we either plated dcs food up separately or had one end of the table which was suitable for them.

There is maybe a bigger issue here - you seem to be doing everything for Christmas and Boxing Day which you admit is stressful even before any allergy requirements. As you have done this previously, there seems to be the presumption you will continue to incorporate all requests without any thought to the issues it causes you. M&S purchased food or not, cooking and serving for multiple people is hard work.

The lactose allergy I would use as the time to change the plans - everyone who normally comes to you go out for Christmas Lunch, it will give you a chance to be less stressed, allergy or not. Everyone can return to your house for coffee/nibbles later but I would also suggest each family member brings canapes so once again all you need to do is coffee, opening fizz/wine.

If none of that is an option - I would not entertain any further conversation about the situation - keep repeating the mantra "I am producing a lactose free meal for nephew only".

Always difficult with family I know but the longer you allow the discussions to go on, the longer the pressure will continue to be applied.

It is not preparing him for restaurants, nursery, school or life