Why didn't they go to the police? (TW)

[CynicalUsee]

I am sick of hearing this being trotted out in relation to victims of sexual assault. The only person the victim is responsible for is themselves and their own recovery, that is it. No one else. They aren't responsible for potential future victims, they aren't responsible for the rapist. If they choose not to report the crime that is 100% ok if they choose to go to the police that is 100% ok.

What anyone chooses to do with their recovery is their choice. For a group of people who have suffered due to having choice removed from them why are people so hellbent on creating more trauma by laying on guilt and removing more choice away from them?

I was a victim. I never went to the police. It’s easier said that done. He made me feel like it was my fault. He said things in front of family he knew would make me feel uncomfortable. He was manipulative and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I spoke to someone for advice who told me it would ruin my family as that’s what happened to them.
eventually after counselling etc when I did tell family it caused a lot of fall outs and family members upset with me for not keeping my mouth shut.
they just didn’t know how to deal with it.
that alone put me off going to police.

I wouldn’t go to media either btw.

but maybe these victims didn’t go to media but more had the media going to them and eventually convincing them to break silence.
its scary because it seems however you break your silence and whoever you tell you are made to feel like you’ve done something wrong ie why you chose to tell that person, why you didn’t act differently etc.

I haven't formally reported my abusive ex yet, though I did meet with the police last month and have sent some evidence.

I told them I would be willing to give a statement if any future partners' report abuse.

In my case, I've been clear that I have mixed feelings. Trauma bonding, genuinely love(d) him and couldn't deal with the stress of an investigation or court case.

I already have episodes of depression and I'm in a job with no sick pay and I bought a house recently. I literally can't afford to become ill.

I don't understand these posts either! It's the same wide eyed questions over and over that don't make any logical sense @fitch568

So Channel 4 enabled and hosted him, therefore the preferable alternative is that they continue a cover up of his behaviour?!

We know that these cases happen because of systemic enabling of predators. Channel 4 highlighting someone they have featured displaying these behaviours is doing is a good thing, not bad. Of course they also need to face consequences for what they let happen, but by showcasing this they're only it more likely that they will (rather than all closing ranks).

I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted twice as an adult - once was nearly rape but he couldn’t penetrate
I did not report as was fearful of not being believed and how I would be treated

The victim not wanting to be retraumatised, possibly to the point of suicide, is not "desire".

Don't look now, but your complete and total lack of empathy is showing.

I was raped by my then BF when I was 17. Reported to a teacher and when police came, because I didn't want to name him at the time (was simultaneously threatening to kill himself and he would go to prison if I said anything) they accused me of lying and making the whole thing up.

Managed to get the courage 3 years later to go to the police following therapy and despite having texts from him admitting it, he was found not guilty. I do sometimes wonder if I would've recovered better having just done the therapy and moved on with my life. It was an additional 2 years of trauma, consistently rewatching my video interviews where I was breaking down.

I definitely think there needs to be more awareness of how difficult the reporting of rape is for women and how scrutinised they are through the process. And to have portrayed your story and get not guilty anyways, based on 12 random peoples views is horrific.

The police told me the jury had to watch his mam cry in the court room for the week of the trial (I did a video link) which is likely what swayed it.

Why didn't they go to the police?

This is why:

(Tw, csa)

Oh I see… it’s the victims fault if her rapist goes on to rape someone else. I suppose that beats “she was wearing a short skirt, what did she expect?”

Just to add, my abuser told the court a string of lies about me being into sadistic activities (at age 17!) which I had to then discuss in court. It was traumatic. There are no words for how difficult it is, and for people who don't report who then see these kinds of lived experience shared online I can fully empathise with why they don't come forwards.

THIS.

Frankly, why shouldn't the victims go to the media?

Brand has the media wrapped around his finger, he's been getting away with this for years, while pretending to be a kind, spiritual guy.

Why shouldn't the women get a chance to explain their experiences and say what he's really like?

Does anyone really believe that if the 16 year old girl had gone to the police and explained that Brand choked her with his penis and then spat in her mouth and forced her to swallow it that she would have got justice? Our system is just not set up to help victims of rape and abuse.

If one good thing comes out of this sorry mess I hope it's that people learn that our justice system needs a radical overhaul.

@Soontobe60 here here. a rape crisis charity told me once that you could be lying naked on a bed in a room and still the only person responsible for the rape is the rapist. Really resonated with me. Victims should never have to feel like they are responsible for what happens next, it just adds to the trauma

Going to the police and going to court would be extremely traumatic especially as the perpetrator will likely get away with it anyway. They've already been traumatised enough by the assault.
It doesn't mean they don't want to speak out and protect others though, so I can see why they go to the media.

How do we know victims haven't reported to the police?

How likely would the police be to take any action?

Unfortunately most people won't understand unless they've been through it themselves. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood by a family member. My Sister is 10 years older than me, and it happened to her too. She never told anyone, and the amount of times I hear "so it's her fault it happened to you then?" When I open up about what happened is awful. I could never blame her.

@CynicalUsee - YANBU. When I read the title of your thread, I nearly screamed as I thought you were going to agree with the 'why didn't they go to the police' narrative. I have just spent a good part of this morning explaining this to my early 20s DS and thankfully he is now appreciating just why women don't report SA and questioning some of what he originally thought.

I am also absolutely disgusted that his shows are still selling out - what does it take for some people to just not be completely and utterly vile. Shame on them.

For those concerned about where this general view on MN supporting perpertators and blaming sexual assault victims is coming from, there's a thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sitestuff/4897781-troll-registering-to-post-rape-denial-comments

Maybe this does represent what the majority of MN users now think, who knows. But I do think it's something that needs to be looked in to because there's been a massive influx of what can only be described as Andrew Tate conspiracy theory fans in the last couple of days.

I am sorry those who are sharing their stories and can only imagine how they are feeling These threads do not represent what the majority of women think.

EDIT: please share link on other threads that crop up, if relevant.

There is real value in the media exposing this. It gives an opportunity for other victims to come forward and for more evidence (although god knows there's already enough) to be brought to bear. None of these women who have come forward knew each other so the media has enabled them to come together as a group.

The justice system would most likely have ignored them/not progressed the case as individuals. That we know statistically.

Having supported a friend through the committal and trial of her rapist, I can entirely understand why some women don't report.

It was a long time ago (1980s), so hopefully things are different now, but she had to give evidence at both the committal and the trial. By the time the trial took place, the rapist had opted to represent himself, so she was cross-examined by the bastard that had put her through the worst experience of her life.

He got 7 years. She was utterly broken by the whole process, became an alcoholic and died 20 years later. She bitterly regretted reporting it, and found the legal proceedings more traumatic than the crime.

Because the victim is put on trial.

The tolerance for violent crimes against women in particularly high in Scotland.

Can't blame women for not wanting to put themselves through a trial where they have to sit in front of their rapist, being interrogated and every aspect of their private life pulled apart and dragged out in front of everyone in the courtroom. In some cases they are forced to refer to their attacker as 'she' because their attacker is now identifying as a woman. Then more than likely they will watch their rapist get a laughable sentence or walk out of court a free man grinning for the press pics. And that is if it even gets to court.

If I see the sentence "trial by media" one more time. Ill combust

Im so sorry to read what everyone on here has gone through. I wish I could say I'm shocked by the number of people it affects, but I'm not.

I am shocked at the number of people who reply solely to a title of a thread and not read an OP though

If we are talking about the recent news stories I think the water is muddied when there is consensual sex intermingled with non consensual sex, sexual coercion, pushing of boundaries and emotional abuse.

if you walked into the relationship willingly then the likelihood of a conviction is massively lowered. Also add in a celebrity and incredibly expensive lawyers and you don’t stand a cat in hells chance.

But the interviewees were anonymous, not being cross-examined in a court in front of other people.