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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why didn't they go to the police? (TW)

136 replies

CynicalUsee · 17/09/2023 09:37

I am sick of hearing this being trotted out in relation to victims of sexual assault. The only person the victim is responsible for is themselves and their own recovery, that is it. No one else. They aren't responsible for potential future victims, they aren't responsible for the rapist. If they choose not to report the crime that is 100% ok if they choose to go to the police that is 100% ok.

What anyone chooses to do with their recovery is their choice. For a group of people who have suffered due to having choice removed from them why are people so hellbent on creating more trauma by laying on guilt and removing more choice away from them?

OP posts:

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fitch568 · 17/09/2023 10:59

@donkra where have I dismissed the allegations in my posts? I have explicitly said the opposite. You're trotting out the usual lines without questioning THE MEDIA's motive in all this.. I feel if anything these women are being made victims of all over again by the media. I hope they have someone protecting & advising them. The legal system is not meant to be 'supportive of women' sadly.. it's meant to be impartial.. prob there of course is it's of course male-led. The media are not whiter than white though - they always have an agenda. But again, for the record you've misconstrued my line of debate. I am absolutely not dismissing the victims. I'm not gonna throw my story out there to back that up. We all have one though.

IHateLegDay · 17/09/2023 11:01

100% agree. I didn't bother reporting because I knew nothing would come of it except more trauma for me.
9 years on and a ton of therapy later, I'm healing and he's playing happy family with his wife and child.

fitch568 · 17/09/2023 11:08

Channel 4 literally made a programme alleging one of their most famous presenters was a rapist and backed up those claims with footage of him on their channel being horrifically misogynist to put it mildly. They are the ones that hid him in plain sight & gave him a platform to play out his sctickz. They gave him the celebrity that undoubtedly fuelled his sex addiction. The nineties were a mess.

supercatlady · 17/09/2023 11:09

I agree. Also sometimes you aren’t aware of just how bad it is at the time, but maturity and life experience make you realise it’s not something you have to put up with.

bombastix · 17/09/2023 11:11

The attitudes on here are in the juries that decide rape cases. Nobody can read this site and be surprised that conviction rates or reporting rape is low on that basis.

The criminal justice system because of a jury trial tells you exactly what the real attitude is. The attitude is she made it up. End.

Lots impassioned talk around it, but plenty of evidence that is what most think.

GoIdie · 17/09/2023 11:15

My perpetrator said this to me. If I didn't report, it must not have happened. Funnily enough, the police disagreed. He was arrested, bailed and charged after 7 years.

I find victim blaming so abhorrent. I'm luckily that I still have evidence but even then, people disbelieve and disbelieve.

Thewizardbinbag · 17/09/2023 11:21

I went to the police. I was pregnant at the time. Spoken to by 2 officers, one male and one female. The male officer didn’t believe me, as it was a friend who did it. All his questions were framed around did I start if, lead the guy on, why would a friend do this to me etc etc. Female officer stayed silent. After about an hour of defending myself, I said I wanted to leave and didn’t want to take it further. He then said they’d have to have a psychologist speak to me to see if I was fit to parent the child I was pregnant with, as making false reports about that sort of thing was a red flag. That’s when the female office spoke up and said enough and let me leave.

So I went to the police and he threatened to try and have my unborn child removed from my care.

fitch568 · 17/09/2023 11:21

The problem here is some are conflating the view that the media should not be a substitute criminal justice system with the view that the victims are not to be believed because they've chosen this route over the police. I for one am not saying that. I am trying hard not to judge either side in the actual allegations because that's not for me to do without actually being on a jury/ having full evidence. I am judging / questioning the process. And by the process, I mean the media led process. Not the women's decision to go that route...

Ponkyandthebrain · 17/09/2023 11:21

confusedmum2023 · 17/09/2023 10:57

This is my feeling too.

Show quote history

I’m a senior detective with RASSO as a specialism. As others have said the police experience is better than it has been though still far from perfect. But the criminal justice system is very hard on victims of sexual abuse. Cross examination is very re traumatising. It’s much worse than an anonymous interview with an understanding journalist. You can’t compare it at all. I can absolutely see why women go to the media. I have every sympathy with it.

We need specialist RASSO courts, we need to seriously reconsider the jury system for rape trials, until the criminal justice system changes substantially for sexual offences the prosecution rate will be on the floor. But the rights of men to commit rape with impunity still prevail and there’s no sign of that changing.

StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:30

Why didn't they go to the police?

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StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:31

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DinnaeFashYersel · 17/09/2023 11:34

Completely agree

StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:34

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StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:35

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StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:36

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StBrides · 17/09/2023 11:39

Why didn't they go to the police?

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Wheresthebeach · 17/09/2023 11:39

GCAcademic · 17/09/2023 09:41

Rape has been effectively decriminalised, given the virtually non-existent convictions for it. Anyone who is asking why victims aren’t going to the police is a gaslighter.

Absolutely this.

henlee · 17/09/2023 11:39

fitch568 · 17/09/2023 11:21

Thank you for making this distinction because a lot of the more awful posts are conflating the two @fitch568

There are many hideous cases that required investigative jounrnalism to bring them to light (e..g, Saville, Rotherham) because of the systemtic enabling and covering up that occurs.

I completely agree with the points about going through the criminal justice system being the best option, and the problems that not doing this can lead to. However, given a choice between no level of justice and continued risk from this person, or facing the consequences of this documentary being made, I'd choose the latter.

He is a privileged person, with the kind of resources and power most of us can only dream of. I'm therefore more comfortable in him having to deal with the fall out of such a documentary, than say a random man accused of similar who worked as a school caretaker. We know he's incredibly litigious, and has already "lawyered-up" several times to silence victims.

They have identified five victims. One of the main points of the documentary is to enpower unknown victims to also report their experiences - it would not be unlikely for this to follow the Saville trajectory.

sunshinesupermum · 17/09/2023 11:40

DD2 was subjected to a horrific sexual assault some years ago. She went to the police and was taken seriously as the perpetrator had committed other attacks. He was charged and found guilty.
There is currently a story line on Emmerdale (I know, don't shoot me) where a character has been assaulted by an old boyfriend and won't bring charges because she is protecting her family. I keep shouting at the TV telling her to report him!

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