Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why didn't they go to the police? (TW)

136 replies

CynicalUsee · 17/09/2023 09:37

I am sick of hearing this being trotted out in relation to victims of sexual assault. The only person the victim is responsible for is themselves and their own recovery, that is it. No one else. They aren't responsible for potential future victims, they aren't responsible for the rapist. If they choose not to report the crime that is 100% ok if they choose to go to the police that is 100% ok.

What anyone chooses to do with their recovery is their choice. For a group of people who have suffered due to having choice removed from them why are people so hellbent on creating more trauma by laying on guilt and removing more choice away from them?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
TheDaphne · 17/09/2023 09:39

Hear hear.

ChickaBlock · 17/09/2023 09:39

I totally agree with you - I hate this sort of attitude

heldinadream · 17/09/2023 09:39

Spot on OP. 👏

Giveituphq · 17/09/2023 09:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GCAcademic · 17/09/2023 09:41

Rape has been effectively decriminalised, given the virtually non-existent convictions for it. Anyone who is asking why victims aren’t going to the police is a gaslighter.

cushioncovers · 17/09/2023 09:41

Agree op

midgemadgemodge · 17/09/2023 09:42

Why not?

Well let's spell it out

Because they are in shock and denial and self blaming

Because they wants to wipe the thing from their heads

Because they don't want an examination ( physical or mental )

Because they know that it doesn't matter if they do - rape is rarely prosecuted and rarely convicted and the experiences of women who have gone through the process are horrific - I'll try and dig out sone reports of that

Princessandthepea0 · 17/09/2023 09:42

People who say that genuinely have no idea. They do realise that women have to give up their phones, their life, their history. Women have their whole histories analysed because they know that the defence barrister in a trial will bring anything up.

Texts showing you have a sex life, been unlucky enough to have been assaulted twice, what were you wearing, finances - doing to for money. The police will tell you themselves - they have to go through all of your background. If you have a troubled background chances of a conviction are minute.

lapsedbookworm · 17/09/2023 09:43

Agreed. 20 years on and I am still dealing with the trauma and it's consequences. I still don't feel strong enough to face questions or deal with it. I wrestled with the guilt for a while, but fundamentally I barely functioned for a long time (although on the surface no one would have known,.I kept achieving top marks and carried on all my hobbies -anything to block out thoughts of the trauma)

RicherThanYews · 17/09/2023 09:44

Agreed Op. My counsellor told me (at 19, very shortly after it happened) that as I hadn't reported the incident, the perpetrator was free to hurt someone else and it would be my fault. That is how victims of rape are treated.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 09:44

GCAcademic · 17/09/2023 09:41

Rape has been effectively decriminalised, given the virtually non-existent convictions for it. Anyone who is asking why victims aren’t going to the police is a gaslighter.

Sadly, this. I don't trust the police to do anything because I judge on past experience.

lapsedbookworm · 17/09/2023 09:45

It's the rapist who is responsible for future attacks, not the victims who were too traumatised and broken to report him

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 17/09/2023 09:47

I didn’t go to the police for lots of reasons. I didn’t have family support. They would have made it all about them and relished the attention. I didn’t want to relive the process over and over again. Most police (when I was 14) were male. I just wanted to pretend nothing had happened and get on with my life. The people who raped me were not famous celebrities and they wouldn’t have been able to afford the calibre of lawyers that RB can/could. The entire idea of the process of getting to court felt like being raped again and again. I didn’t want to have to prove that I was a victim over and over again, when I really wanted to survive.

LubaLuca · 17/09/2023 09:49

It's embarrassing how little thinking some people do before letting their mouths/keyboard rattle. So easily they give themselves up as idiotic arseholes, which is useful to the rest of the world who can mark their card.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 09:50

The entire idea of the process of getting to court felt like being raped again and again. I didn’t want to have to prove that I was a victim over and over again, when I really wanted to survive.

I can so relate. And I'm sorry someone harmed you.

Treacletartfart · 17/09/2023 09:52

I didn't report mine as 1) I didn't want my parents to know, and 2) confused at the time about consent. He was my boyfriend and I loved him. I told him I didn't want sex but he made a big argument out of it. He then took me from behind and I cried and cried and he said 'stop crying you are making me feel like I'm raping you'. I then tried to leave but he got on his knees and begged me to stay saying he was sorry.

I have no doubt I was raped. I said no, l and said no throughout.

Who would tell the police in this situation?

Oooooooooooo1 · 17/09/2023 09:53

100% agree @CynicalUsee

donkra · 17/09/2023 09:54

The reason why women won't go to the police is fucking obvious. Already only a tiny, tiny proportion of reported rapes even go to court much less get a conviction. Unless you have rock-solid physical evidence and a virtual confession, all he has to do is say you consented. And if you've just been raped by a popular celebrity? Fucking forget it. You can guarantee being torn apart in the press, and the court process, if it even happens, is often as traumatising or worse as the rape.

Comtesse · 17/09/2023 09:59

If there are further attacks then it’s the perpetrator who’s to blame, not the previous victim for not reporting them.

Devilsmommy · 17/09/2023 10:00

RicherThanYews · 17/09/2023 09:44

Agreed Op. My counsellor told me (at 19, very shortly after it happened) that as I hadn't reported the incident, the perpetrator was free to hurt someone else and it would be my fault. That is how victims of rape are treated.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your counsellor is a cunt. Any future crimes of your rapist would be his fault, not yours. And they wonder why women don't want to say anything 🙄

Dippydinosaurus · 17/09/2023 10:01

It's taken 3 years for The Times/Dispatches to get to this point to (hopefully) get a conviction. And this is one man. How would individual women reporting it to the police do anything. Instead of saying why didn't women report it, why aren't they actually looking at the reasons why women feel like they can't report it

thatsabigtree · 17/09/2023 10:01

I work in the criminal justice system and work closely in this area. I wouldn't go to the police. Don't get me wrong, now days the actual police officers who investigate rape are trained often skilled investigators and try their best, but the system is fucked. To get a charging decision they have to meet the cps threshold test, basically if the evidence to prove it happened isn't spelled out, which for most rape it isn't as it's usually one word against another, then it won't even get charged. It takes months to get to just this point. If it does get charged, at the current time you're looking at 2 years before it reaches a courtroom.
No way would I put myself through that.
And when it happened to me I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't because I just didn't want that circus.

fitch568 · 17/09/2023 10:02

I agree I really do but genuine question, why would you go the media instead? Surely opening yourself up to a whole load of abuse from the perpetrator's 'fanbase' is as/more daunting..? And what's the media's agenda in gathering this case now? Why didn't they gather it all 10/5 years ago? Why him..why not a whole host of comedians (if the rumours are true) & really make it a 'me too' for the comedy sector? The way this programme just dropped - wasn't pre-scheduled before- is unusual. I find the whole 'process' odd & unsettling for some reason I can't put my finger on because there's no doubt the allegations are horrific & in retrospect, even without them, his act should never have been given the platform it was, utterly misogynistic. The broadcasters enabled and celebrated this style of comedy in the 90s in the way they did racist comedy in the decades before.

CurlewKate · 17/09/2023 10:03

Why didn't all the male comedians who knew this was going on not report him to the police?

Tinkerbyebye · 17/09/2023 10:04

I agree with you, until they go to the media instead