That this is a reasonable request and I don’t deserve to be told to fuck off

[Berriesareexpensive]

I have 3 dc. 20, 16, 13 plus me and dp

I do 2 food shops a week and meal plan. Without fail twice a week the older 2 dc will see the shopping arrive and eat as much as they can, if I’ve got 3 of something one of them will have 2. Time and time again 13 y o ds goes without

I’ve come in today from work and older 2 have eaten all the strawberries that only arrived this morning (3 punnets). I’ve spoken to them both and been told to fuck off! Why do they insist on eating more of their share every time knowing that one person will then go without ?

I can’t just buy more as I’m trying to budget and this is really irritating me

Nobody who told me to fuck off would be getting fed in my house.

Gymnopedie
I think tbh it will be the conversation asking eldest to move out

I think tbh it will be the conversation telling eldest to move out - fixed it for you

@Berriesareexpensive
Yes you’re right

OP if I had dared to speak to my mother like that (and it wouldn't have occurred to me to) I would be on the other side of our front door very quickly indeed.

I hope the conversation about your children's behaviour and lack of respect both to you and your youngest child brings better future behaviour and your partner 100% supports you.🌹

The 20yr old can fuck off and buy their own food. Are they contributing in any way?

You allow your children to speak to you like that? You are the problem here OP. And your parenting.

I don’t think that’s fair Wsmi. They’re adults and you can’t always control older children like you can reprimand younger ones

How did your chat go op?

Christ, if I'd told my mum to fuck off at that age, I'd have been picking my teeth out of the carpet before I could even finish the sentence.

Wow OP.

Time for some tough love for your 20yo. Either they get a job, contribute financially and practically towards the household, and shape up behaviour wise with the next month, or they need to move out.

By allowing them to live with you, behave atrociously, and not contribute financially, you are enabling their behaviour.

The adults didn’t appear out of a vacuum. If your adult children think it’s ok to tell you to F off. You have gone very wrong somewhere in your parenting.

I wouldn't be feeding an adult who told me to fuck off.

If you're having trouble with COL, it's very poor that the 20 year old isn't paying their own way.

I'd make it clear that they are living by the grace of you, and anyone who is a disrespectful twat can find a flat share and buy their own strawberries.

You don’t think someone can behave terribly if they’ve had a good upbringing ?

i wouldn’t tell my eldest to move out because clearly she doesn’t have the resources or maturity to live on her own but I would remove all privileges and explain she needs to contribute to the household. If she’s been looking for a job but a long time and not getting any success- she needs to reevaluate her expectations! if she’s done well academically she may feel like working a blue collared job is below her but how embarrassing to be 20 living out home, eating her little brothers food and verbally abusing her mother. You need to her some perspective. I come from a very middle class family and got my first job when I was 16 (childcare, hospitality, retail). Really sounds like an honest days work is exactly what the doctor ordered.

They would probably respond to that speech by telling her again to fuck off.

I'd be getting a lock for the fridge, shutting off the WiFi and otherwise making home no-frills for the older two. Give them chores to do, and do well, in exchange for their room and meals.

How long has your 20 year old been out of work. She needs to be applying for unpaid work experience pretty quickly to get some experience and to have something to put on her cv. Even if it's a couple of days here and there. Help her to prepare a cv and to work out what she has to offer. Has she had part time jobs through school? Has she helped to support elderly relatives? Does she have any hobbies she can help out with to support younger students?
She will have a much better chance at interview if she is doing stuff and has something to talk about.

My children would only tell me to F off once.

ONCE.

This would be scortched earth territory.

Clearly their behaviour has been escalating.

This is not normal behaviour and it is not something to let go.

I couldn't and wouldn't be able to live with someone who was comfortable treating me like that.

This sort of behaviour is never in isolation and usually is preceeded by other awful behaviour.

At 20 she is old enough to move out, I did at that age.

In the interim, buy absolutely nothing in the shape of any treats for the house and look after your son only.

Her father and you need to be united in how you tackle this.

How did it go OP?

Is there an answer to the question "how did it go". Or has the whole thing been a fabrication OP?

Why are you letting them? You have zero control at this point. That's the problem. You have no boundaries and they don't respect you.

@Berriesareexpensive Having a hard time understanding why you're more upset about the food than how your children think they can speak to you, you only think it's not appropriate for what you're asking of them not that they shouldn't be speaking to you like that all!!! Get them in order with their respect for you then they may learn some gratitude to other things you do like the shopping!

Do they pay rent? If not start charging for it & although this will be a hassle stop shopping twice weekly go to shopping daily don’t buy snacks & treats they’ll soon learn to stop being greedy pigs; if you buy crisps & chocolate bars for youngest keep them hidden in your car out of their way c

If a 16 and a 20 year old told me to fuck off, they wouldn’t be living with me by the end of the following week. All their crap removed from the house, locks changed, other kids strictly told not to let them in under any circumstances, the full works. I just don’t understand what kind of upbringing they have had where they even think they can get away with it.

People get told to fuck off on here all the time.

For all the tiger parents who would totally make their income-less kids homeless after one incident because they're so freaking badass, an awful lot of people on here apparently weren't raised to find it unacceptable.